Tornado Slide

Television Roundup - Winter 2012

2012-02-16T21:32:00.000-06:00

Television shows I’m currently making time to view, in order from most consistently enjoyable to less so, bearing in mind that God don’t make no junk but TV networks do, but I don’t watch no junk unless it happens to be what Kim wants to watch while I occupy myself online:

Archer
This shouldn’t be a surprise, since it’s written by the same guy who created Sealab 2021, and I own all those DVDs.

Parks & Recreation
Aside from its general hilariousness, it’s got even more going for it. You can count on some physical comedy from Chris Pratt, and the show almost always puts you in a happy mood.

Happy Endings
Very snappy dialogue, an no shortage of puns, unique abbreviations, and fun phrases. I think of Damon Wayans saying, “Daddy likes a deep tuck” every time I don an undershirt.

Delocated
The most recent episode centered on potato skins. A full half-hour of television. Absurd without being aggressively absurd, a la Tim & Eric.

30 Rock
Still strong.

Chopped (via DVR)
You can fly through a recorded episode in 35 minutes, skipping over the inter-chef and judge chit-chat that makes it unwatchable live. If the producers would stop forcing the contestants to constantly mention their personal “hook” -- my mother died, I’m trying to win for her, etc etc -- I’d have no complaints. Well, except maybe the dessert round, give those guys 10 additional minutes so they can BAKE, yo! French toast ain’t no goddamned dessert!!

Top Chef
We should probably DVR this as well, but it’s a Wednesday night tradition.

An Idiot Abroad
Makes you feel good about your limited vacations.

SNL
At its worst, still funnier than 90% of television.

The Office
At its worst, still funnier than 89% of television.

The Soup
Inessential, but a breezy way to spend 30 minutes.

The Walking Dead
I suppose it’s a good sign that there’s only one show I watch to mock, and I suppose it’s higher quality trash than reality shows on Bravo or TLC. So, good for me?

Conan (via DVR)
Daily Show (first 10 or 20 minutes)
CBS This Morning
The usual schedule is record Conan, watch the Daily Show’s first segment or two before bed, then wake up and see what Charlie Rose is talking about. Charlie Motherfucking Rose is in the house! CBS is in serious danger of airing a news program in the morning, with no chuckling between annoying weathermen and softball-question-lobbing anchors. If I don’t care to hear the latest news, I watch Conan’s previous night’s monologue while eating cereal.

* * *

Television greivances, in no particular order:

Arby’s spokesman that sings “It’s Good Mood Fooooooood!”
Soaring higher on my list of Most Punchable Humans. Also, no it isn’t. There’s a reason why The Simpsons coined the phrase, “I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s.”

The Bud Light Platinum advertising campaign
Would someone inform the idiots at Anheiser-Busch that the people who drink Bud Light DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW THEIR BEER TASTES?! You won the light domestic beer battle. That’s not a compliment, but it seems to be a fact. Anyway, you can stop innovating. Just keep pumping out the same old swill and your loyal customers will drink it.

The low-rent cable ads, especially during Comedy Central programming
Dipped strawberries? Just the type product that is best ordered via telephone. Sexytime phone chat lines? In this digital age, I don’t understand how could those still be in business, let alone profitable. Catheters? Yikes. I’ll stick with the strawberries.

The guys Zooey shares an apartment with on “New Girl”
I find them all unlikeable.

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Resumes

2012-02-11T08:26:00.002-06:00

dn:

Seven episodes of season 2 have aired, and the final 6 begin this Sunday. Everybody spent all of season 2 looking for the missing little girl Sophia, and it turns out she was a zombie locked in barn on the farm they were staying at the whole time. That old trope. The Asian Dale and the farmer’s daughter are in love. Shane and Andrea are in LUST. Grime’s wife is pregnant. The farmer wants the group to leave. Grimes doesn’t want to leave. WHAT? WILL? HAPPEN? NEXT???

floyd:
Over/under on number of zombies we see this season? 10? How many Carl Faces? 10?

(via Videogum, home of the world's greatest Walking Dead commentary)

dn:

Hmm. I’ll guess they will kill one or two per episode until the finale, when 4 will be killed. I guess I’m taking the over.

What are you hoping will happen in these next 6? We have really only seen zombie problems for them. I’d like to see other apocalypse issues arise, like lack of food, supplies, and bad weather. I hope that winter will come and it will get all Valley Forge on them, even though they’re in a relatively warm Georgia climate. Wikipedia tells me that Atlanta experiences the low 30’s during winter months, so that would be bad enough to get the group out of stupid tents and into some real shelter.

floyd:
I think I'll split it into two categories: A. What I would like to see happen, and B. What I think will happen

A. I'd like for Sad, Useless Mom, Andrea, T-Dogg, Asian guy, Rick's wife and Carl to be immediately killed off by a rogue pack of zombies. This should take about five minutes or so. Then Hershel freaks out and tries to kill the survivors. Shane gets crazy-eyed and kills Hershel with a saw or something, then cries or something over dead Andrea and Rick's wife, then tries to rape Farm Girl, who blows his brains out or something. (Also, anybody not named died in the initial zombie attack.)

So now we're left with Rick, Old Guy, Farm Girl and I think that's it.

Then in the second episode, the farmhouse is swarmed by zombies and kill Rick, Old Guy and Farm Girl. Fade to black, roll credits.

B. The episode will start with some kind of stupid flashback that won't be referenced again. The first 40 minutes or so of the first episode will be people anguishing over Sophia and other dead zombies. Carl will ask where Sophia went, and Rick and wife will tell him she went to live on a different farm or something. The last ten minutes, Hershel will get angry and try to make everybody else leave the farm. Rick will say they have to find something somewhere else, probably another military base or something like that. Supplies are still abundant. There will no live zombies in this episode, except for maybe in the flashback.

dn:

Here’s what I think will happen in the 6 episodes:

1. Hershel will argue with Grimes and company for 40 minutes, then decide to let them stay. He will order the fattest calf to be slaughtered, open his cellar’s finest wines and canned vegetables, and host a huge feast. Everyone has a nice time at the special dinner. After Hershel finishes the post-meal prayer, red lights on the ceiling start to flash, and a robotic female voice comes over the house PA: “Self destruct sequence initiated. 3 minutes remaining.” For the next 15 minutes (because of how goddamn slow this show is) everyone will freak out. Shane will try to rape somebody so he can “go out in style”. Everyone except Hershel and his family, who he has chained to a radiator, will escape the house JUST RIGHT AS it blows up, and they’ll do that cool jump while it explodes at their backs.

2. Zombies have been attracted by the explosion setting off another one of the farm’s secrets: another secret barn filled with homemade fireworks. Old guy in the fisherman’s hat makes a joke to the Asian guy about fireworks. Two zombies are killed as the group makes a getaway. For the final 50 minutes, Asian guy ruminates on his lost love. Shane tries to rape him.

3. The first 10 minutes are a flashback of Shane’s high school conquests. CUT TO: Shane was just daydreaming. The next 50 minutes are Shane wandering the fields of rural Georgia scavenging for a deer to eat and/or rape.

4. We finally see T-Dogg in this episode. He’s getting a glass of water before going to sleep. Then he goes to sleep. The group continues to move in a certain direction, having lame conversations along the way.

5. The group arrives at somewhere and things don’t go smoothly! At the very end, there’s hope!

6. The hope evaporates. Grime’s wife has a very graphic miscarriage, but they are able to use the dead fetus to distract the zombies and escape from whatever bad situation they were in. They posthumously name the heroic baby “Shane”, for no good reason. Grimes talks about moving on to another location where there just MIGHT be safety for everyone. Shane says no. They argue for 45 minutes and the group decides to split in two. Each pile into two different vehicles, but when they turn the keys neither will start. Shane looks right at the camera and says “OH BROTHER!” and Grimes wryly smiles like “THAT’S MURPHY’S LAW FOR YA” and Carl throws up and cries.

2011 Recap - Music

2012-02-06T20:22:00.000-06:00

A NOTE TO ALL MY DEDICATED AND INTERESTED READERS:

I normally have a year-in-review regarding lyrics -- best rhyme, best simile and metaphor, other examples -- but all I only noted three measly songs in 2011. Yikes! So if you have some lyrics from 2011 you want to talk about, let me know! Then we can combine everyone's thoughts and talk about them!

* * *

Here are the 2011 albums I purchased, in order from most enjoyed to most I realize it's acclaimed and technically sound but it still pretty much puts me to sleep except for that super weird jazz freak out at the end of "The Shrine / An Argument" but I still like 'em okay.

Quite Good

Okkervil River - I am Very Far
Black Keys - El Camino

Pretty Good

Peter Bjorn & John - Gimme Some
Dodos - No Color
We Were Promised Jetpacks - In the Pit of the Stomach
Beastie Boys - Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

A Few Good Songs on There

Telekinesis - Twelve Desperate Straight Lines
Mates of State - Mountaintops
Eleanor Friedberger - Last Summer
Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues

Stuff I bought in 2011 that wasn't released in 2011, in no particular order because it was all quite good:

Frightened Rabbit - Winter of Mixed Drinks
Two Door Cinema Club - Tourist History
Kathryn Calder - Are You My Mother?
M Ward - End of Amnesia

2012 Recap - Printed Words

2012-01-24T19:40:00.001-06:00

I didn’t read a ton of books this year. I had cancer.

I was diagnosed in late July, and I didn’t crack a book until June. So for the first half of the year, I was simply lazy slash busy getting married slash I wasn’t really all that busy but that’s what grooms say even when brides do all the planning although there were various outings and meetings I did go to but not so many that it’s really an excuse not to read. I guess I was resting my eyes.

Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America

So I finally kicked off my 2011 reading adventure at the airport, waiting for our first flight of our honeymoon. Nothing says, “Let’s start off this union with an adventure,” like the details of America’s first serial killer and his spree surrounding the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago. You probably know this is a fine book, because normal people read it closer to its publication date in 2004, while some of us waited until they could borrow a coffee-stained copy from their friends’ bookshelf. If you’re unfamiliar, you should certainly read it. It’s a great example of what a nightmare life used to be, even moreso than the current nightmare in which we now reside. I mean, this guy faked his doctor credentials, failed to pay for most of his purchases - including work people did to build his huge house/business/murder castle, dispatched handfuls up fresh-faced young women, and it was pretty easy! You could do that sort of thing back then, just ride the rails from city to city and make shit up and be awful and it didn’t matter, because there was always another city that didn’t know you and policework was a joke. Yikes! The other half of the book, how the World’s Fair was organized and built, is understandingly less captivating than the guy who collected and murdered his prey, but it’s still pretty cool. And sad, considering the great buildings they describe didn’t survive (save for the Museum of Science and Industry), and I’m pretty sure much of the old fairgrounds are part of the scenery you experience on the world’s saddest bus ride from Hyde Park to Midway Airport.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Among the piles and piles of books I was given to occupy my cancer time, I only read one. New diagnosis, same laziness, I guess. I chose to read this one because two of my friends considered it among their favorite books EVER. Now, you may recall this idea I had a few years back, where I decide to poll my friends and read their favorite books - an idea that was permanently derailed after spending a few weeks with Adrienne’s pick, “The Brothers Karamazov”. It’s a prank that gets funnier and funnier with each passing year. Touche, Adrienne! You’ve made wormsmeat of me.

So in any case, here I was, nearing the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and reading a 9/11 novel. The film version of the book would be released soon, starring Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock.* A perfect storm of circumstances, right?

Again, I feel silly telling you about this book you read eight years ago, but this boy’s dad dies in 9/11, and then he finds a key in his dad’s closet that has a note attached to it - it says “Black”. The boy decides Black is the last name of the person who the key belongs to, and starts meet everyone in the phone book with that surname. And it turns out that it really was the last name of the person the key belonged to. I’m not sure if I groaned louder when the kid started his ill-conceived journey, or when his plan turned out to be precisely conceived. I may have actually started a groan that didn’t end until I completed the novel.

*Uh, and if you’re casting this movie, how do you pick out Hanks and Bullock as the parents? Nothing screams New York Jews like those two. Seesh. Who would you cast instead? Is Harvey Keitel too old? How about Ben Stiller? How about Adrien Brody? Julianna Margulies? Jennifer Connelly? I could maybe think of better actors but I don't want to do any work beyond googling "imdb jewish actors".

Film Fetish

2012-01-16T10:39:00.000-06:00

After enjoying "Another Earth", I took to the internet to find some interviews with the director/writer. Film School Rejects had one such interview. You know that thing where you scroll to the bottom of the screen and Adobe Air or whatever slides in with a recommendation for what article you should read next?

Uh, I'm no Roger Ebert, but I'm pretty sure I didn't misinterpret "Another Earth" that badly.

2011 Recap - Motion Pictures

2012-01-11T20:39:00.000-06:00

I didn’t see a ton of new movies this year. I had cancer.

Seriously, though, the cancer-related pain in my tailbone area made it hard to sit in theaters for a chunk of the year. Several movies I wanted to see are still not available for rent, so please settle for this incomplete list. As in years past, I have divided the films into appropriate genres, because there is no point in comparing “Thor” or “Win Win” to “The Muppets”. Just because they are all shown in theaters doesn’t mean they were made with the same goal in mind. So, within each genre, from most enjoyable to least enjoyable - an asterisk (*) denotes theater viewing, and the increased expectations that accompany those outings:

Action

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol*

As mentioned on a recent “Doug Loves Movies” podcast, this movie has far too many Apple product placements. It’s funny how Hollywood used to try to make certain characters’ cell phones futuristic - think about the slide-out Nokia 8110 phones in “The Matrix”, for example - and now they’ve given up. “You’d think our operatives would have a sophisticated satellite phone, but they have the same phone as your mom. We got them an unlimited data plan, though, and they aren’t weighed down by that at&t contract.” There is one scene where Jeremy Renner goes into his backstory, and for a second I was worried they were going to ruin this fun movie with emotional hubris. But they got back to jumping off things and fighting villains pretty quick. A nonstop thrill ride, I’d say.

Fast Five*

The most fun I had in a theater this year was at “Fast Five”. My wife (“Borat”, 2006) and I were laughing a lot more than the general viewing public, and I was a bit self conscious wondering if everyone else found it such a winning combination of absurdity and homo-eroticism. Another bonus of paying for this fantastic piece of trash was enjoying the podcasts dedicated to its ridiculousness. “How Did This Get Made” and “The B.S. Report” both covered it.

Thor

Much more enjoyable than I thought it would be, even a little better than

Captain America,

which was also pretty good for a popcorn movie.

Attack the Block

When aliens invade planets or buildings, and the SyFy network is not involved, it usually makes for good viewing. I expected more comedy, given the involvement Edgar Wright and Nick Frost, but was still pleased with this mostly straightforward thriller.

Super

This was an action/comedy/drama, according to IMDB, but according to me it wasn’t funny enough or dramatic enough to fit anywhere but here. Not bad, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you have a fetish for Ellen Page dressed as a superhero. And it’s fun to see Kevin Bacon as a villain who is not invisible for a change.

Drama

Another Earth

For the first 30 minutes, I was sure I’d love it. For the next 30, I was afraid I’d hate it. By the end, I was relieved. It very successfully mixes mumbling indie drama with science fiction. The ending is possibly ambiguous, but also immensely satisfying.

Win Win

My oncology nurse and I both thought this was a sweet movie. This Paul Giamatti guy can really act. I expect big things from him.

Terri

John C. Reilly as an assistant principal? Of course I’m going to watch it - that guy is the best! If you are interested in seeing him briefly yell at a few kids, or if you want to watch him mentor a troubled youth as he comes of age, see this movie.

Comedy

Cedar Rapids

John C. Reilly as an obnoxious insurance salesman? That guy is THE BEST! I’m not a huge Ed Helms guy, but he fit well with the cast. Low expectations, good execution.

Bridesmaids*

I need to see this again, but for the best-reviewed comedy of the year, weren’t there several scenes that fell very flat? Anything with Wendi McLendon-Covey (blonde from “Reno 911”) and Ellie Kemper (Erin from “The Office”), was underdeveloped and could have been cut, for example. Any scene involving diarrhea can be cut from every movie from now until the end of time, for example.

Paul*

I don’t remember a single joke from this movie, but I associate a general sense of happiness to it.

The Muppets*

The next time I see a Disney movie I’ll know not to take a seat in the theater until 30 minutes after the posted showtime. (I’ll hang out in the lobby and play Time Crisis, the arcade game that sits in every theater lobby and bowling alley game room.) If I want to see Buzz Lightyear making jokes I’ll invent a time machine or create a child. Or maybe rent a DVD. Just show me the muppets, please, and save your interminably long animated trailer about tiny beings that are discovered by regular-sized beings. But okay, the movie itself: this was the most meta movie since Wet Hot American Summer, right? Chris Cooper saying “Maniacal laugh” instead of laughing? Travel by map? Was this a movie for adults with stuff thrown in for the kids, or the other way around? I guess it tried to be both. I’d say it was 75% successful, but I’d have to ask a child if I’m correct.

Conan O'Brien Can't Stop

The documentary itself was good. I recommend watching all of the DVD extras and the director’s commentary (with Andy and Conan) to get your full quota of laughs. Lots of good stuff hidden in there.

30 Minutes or Less*

If you like seeing Danny McBride do his schtick, I recommend it. If you don’t love him or Aziz or Eisenberg, you will be disappointed. One side note: Nick Swardson is not terrible in this, regardless of how you feel about his sketch show or those “Bucky Larson” commercials (I say commercials because I know you didn’t watch the movie).

Horrible Bosses

This was fine, I guess. Charlie Day shouting lyrics to “That’s Not My Name” was the best.

Hall Pass

If I wasn’t on a plane, I wouldn’t have bothered. A little better than I feared. Go ahead leave it on while you dick around on your laptop when it's on TBS every Friday of November 2012.

Love Bites

2012-01-08T20:23:00.000-06:00

I see this poster every day.

And every day, I think, "There's NO WAY that ADORABLE LITTLE PUPPY lying on the floor would EVER bite me! He's SO PRECIOUS!!!"

2011 Recap - Bad Indie Rock Press Photos

2012-01-02T21:55:00.000-06:00

Another year gone by, and I'm still somewhat obsessed with the sometimes horrifying, sometimes puzzling, always too-precious photos that accompany indie rock band stories on music blogs. Below are the images I hated most in 2011, in no particular order, except for the last two, because that guy is really the worst.

Dream Love (via I Guess I'm Floating)

Sure, you can blame him for putting ink in your mug -- but you can only blame yourself for that shirt.

inc (via Music For Ants)

I mean, what kind of music do you think these people play? Is "Androgynous hip-hop" a genre? Maybe the one on the left raps about baseball, and the one on the right raps about basketball?

Noah and the Whale (via Music For Ants)

I like some of their songs. I don't like the suggestion that these men have battered the only female member of the band so severely she required bandages and casts.

Radical Face (via Music For Ants)

Again, this guy has some good songs! But from this photo, you'd never know he wasn't a psychopath.

Spokes (via Music For Ants)

Would you like to enjoy some soulful harmonies? Cool, we'll start our set right after grab our pitchforks and chase the monster out of our village.

Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs (via Stereogum)

God. Damn. It.

You Won't (via I Guess I'm Floating)

GOD! DAMN! IT!

Young Man (via I Guess I'm Floating)

I saved the first photo in February, and the second in September. I discovered it was the same dude while composing this list. So congratulations, Young Man, you're the band so nice I saved you twice. Maybe if you didn't rub Hawaiian Punch powder on your face you wouldn't have to shower with your eyes open so much.

2011 Soundtrack Honorable Mention

2011-12-17T17:32:00.002-06:00

The Black Keys - "Lonely Boy"

Had I waited another week or so before releasing my compilation for the new Black Keys album to be released, I would have included this badass opening track.

Smashing Pumpkins - "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

When I started to look like Billy Corgan, I figured it would be a good time to reacquaint myself with "Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness". A few weeks later, Ted and I had a chat over french fries -- we had both recently wondered why the production value of the album didn't stand the test of time. Also, I used the Photoshop Shawn made me to create this with MS Paint and slap it outside my office door:

Pearl Jam - "Animal"

I watched "Pearl Jam Twenty", the Cameron Crowe doc, and thought it was dull. But revisiting PJ is probably why, a few mornings later, I sang the first few minutes of "Animal" to our cat.

U2 - "I Will Follow"

Several early U2 tracks were burned on the end of the Two Door Cinema Club album we brought to Ireland. Duh.

Neil Diamond - "I Thank the Lord for the Night Time"

My friend Dave selected this song to lead off a night of dancing at our wedding reception. Well, he actually played "America" first, but I think most people's shock at seeing a Neil Diamond tribute band wore off in time for "I Thank the Lord for the Night Time".

Ted Talk

2011-12-12T21:44:00.000-06:00

corinne: but John Muir is SO COOL

tornadoslide: "John Muir liked the out of doors. The End."

corinne: yah, yah

but, oh, the anecdotes!

he walked from madison, wi to california!

he climbed trees in thunderstorms so he could experience what the tree experiences in a storm

tornadoslide: he fucked a horse. GUARANTEED.

corinne: ted makes those jokes all the time!

ted also pretended to be the ghost of john muir when we were hiking in the muir woods

he pretended that Teddy Roosevelt had killed him

and I needed to avenge his death

tornadoslide: haha

2011 Soundtrack

2011-12-04T15:26:00.001-06:00

I do this every year. These songs are what I loved this year, or what reminds me of this year, and are arranged in my preferred listening order. The playlist fits on an 80-minute CD, but I wanted to try making it downloadable this year instead of mailing out discs through the broke-ass postal service.

Download the zipped folder here. If the songs get lost in your media library, just search for the ones with the genre labeled "Dan".

1. Frightened Rabbit - "Footshooter"

I used some iTunes gifts from last Christmas to delve deeper into the world of Scot Rock. This is my favorite song from this very enjoyable album, "The Winter of Mixed Drinks".

2. Two Door Cinema Club - "What You Know"

This band is from Northern Ireland, so we burned this album along with some filler classic U2 for our rental car journeys around the island. I heard their music wafting out of a shop in Dublin, so I felt reassured that my finger was on the pulse of the Irish youth. Thank God we had that CD, too, because there were moments of awfulness over the radiowaves. You know that "I need a dolla, dolla, dolla is what I need" song that is on a commercial or two? I heard that on the radio over there. During a top ten countdown. Yikes. Kim and I heard Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" for the first time over there, and laughed about how awful it was. Then a few weeks later I learned that song tied her with "Thriller" for the most #1 hits from a single album.

3. James Mercer - "Journey Through the Past" (Neil Young cover)

I know almost nothing about Neil Young, but I do know that I love his songs as interpreted by The Shins' James Mercer. His cover of "Harvest" is also excellent.

4. Okkervil River - "Piratess"

I suppose this was my favorite album I bought this year, although I dislike a few of the yelling songs. This track and "Your Past Life as a Blast" are my faves.

5. Beastie Boys - "Ok"

I have nothing to say about this. It's simply a solid jam.

6. Kathryn Calder - "Slip Away"

She is the keyboardist for The New Pornographers. I enjoy both her face and her first solo album.

7. Fountains of Wayne - "Radiation Vibe"

I was explaining to a younger co-worker that this band had been around for some time, and that "Radiation Vibe" remains one of my all-time favorites. I was about to play it for her when I realized it was not in my possession. Horrified, I bought it that night and relived the magic for the rest of the year.

8. Simon & Garfunkel - "Overs"

For a few weeks when my sleep schedule was messed up, I would listen to my mp3 player with headphones while my wife slept. Two nights in a row, this song came up on the shuffle. I wasn't familiar with it before. It was kind of a perfect match for the quiet nights.

9. Telekinesis - "You Turn Clear in the Sun"

This album and the new Dodos album were both solid but not great. Still, I listened to them a lot in the car's CD player when I was too lazy to queue up a podcast.

10. Wild Flag - "Romance"

Former members of Sleater-Kinney. Hand claps. Awesome. I also recommend "Something Came Over Me" from the same album.

11. Ximena Sarinana - "Different"

You might recognize this song from a Pop Tarts commercial. I first heard it one morning on VH1. "Why wasn't this attractive young woman forced to wear a bikini for this video shoot?" I wondered.It turns out she is an established talent from south of the border - this is her first English-language album. Catchy. I'm a sucker for those brass horns.

12. Foster the People - "Pumped Up Kicks"

This video, on the other hand, is really boring. Still, I'd call this the song of 2011. Total summer jam.

13. Noah and the Whale - "5 Years Time"

This is the third and final song within the whistling suite of the 2011 mix. I saw a lot of commercials for their new album while watching TV in Ireland, and remembered how quaint it was to advertise music on television. Oh, Europe!

14. Belle & Sebastian - "Your Cover's Blown"

If you want to get technical, I believe my love affair with this song started in 2010, on long drives to Illinois. Since then, it's become a go to song for a burst of energy. It's so good I wonder why it took me so long to hear about it.

15. Mates of State - "Maracas"

If you're like me, you'll get this song's final repeated lyrics in your head for an extended time, and you'll think it's totally annoying. But if you give it some time you'll come back with open arms. The pull of the funky synth is too great.

16. Eleanor Friedberger - "My Mistakes"

The Fiery Furnaces and their solo output continues its annoying pattern of two or three amazing songs on an album filled with the weirdest, hardest to like stuff.

17. Peter Bjorn & John - "IKYDLM"

I'd guess this is my favorite bassline of the year.

18. Andrew Bird - "Tables and Chairs"

This song really tugs at my heartstrings until he says "There will be snacks" and I'm just like, "Huh?".

19. The Jayhawks - "Smile"

As previously mentioned, this prompted some cry urges one Sunday morning.

20. The New Pornographers - "Go Places"

First dance at the wedding. Stuck in my head for a week afterward.

Squanto Speak

2011-11-23T21:05:00.000-06:00

In fifth grade or so, I had to do an oral report after reading a book about Squanto, a famous Native American who helped the Plymouth pilgrims through their first winter and taught them the ways of maize cultivation. I wore a vest or put some feathers around my head or something, and stood in front of the class with an index card. I spoke in a racially insensitive, stereotypical, "How! Me Squanto!" type accent, explaining the story of the brave and benevolent Squanto. And I got overly confident and tossed my index card to the floor, and later had to pick it up. I remember saying, "Indian look cue card." It's okay, guys, it was a different time. We knew not what we did.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 6

2011-11-23T20:41:00.001-06:00

floyd: hi

dn: hello

dn: how are you?

floyd: not bad

floyd: yourself?

dn: I'm glad we have a holiday tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving!

dn: you hate Thanksgiving food though

floyd: I don't hate it

floyd: just kind of meh

floyd: to most of it

floyd: turkey is no McRib

dn: the McRib could be made of turkey for all we know

floyd: there's probably some in there

floyd: somewhere

dn: you know what else if full of turkeys? THIS SHOW!

floyd: I'm trying really hard to think of a Thanksgiving joke

dn: John Wayne would say, "It's tough to do, Pilgrim."

dn: Pilgrim? Thanksgiving?

floyd: um ... eating turkey makes me feel like a zombie?

floyd: you know

floyd: because it makes you drowsy?

dn: i get it

floyd: I have 11 condoms left?

dn: I get jokes

dn: So episode 6

dn: last season was only 6 episodes long

dn: so such luck this year

dn: the episode begins with one of the farm ladies feeding the barn zombies

floyd: right

dn: fuck man

dn: can you believe I wrote that sentence?

dn: and that sentence refers to a show I watch every week?

floyd: and she breaks the leg of the one chicken, needlessly graphic, so that the zombies are attracted to the movement or something

floyd: I guess?

floyd: is that what happened?

dn: I assume it's so the zombies can catch it

dn: instead of the chicken running circles around them

floyd: well, chickens are notoriously more agile than woodchucks

floyd: or cows, I guess?

floyd: wouldn't the chicken eventually just get tired, though?

floyd: the zombies wouldn't swarm the chicken?

floyd: it just seemed needlessly cruel

floyd: I cared about 200 times more about that chicken than I do about Sophia, for example

floyd: Sophia is the missing girl

floyd: that's a bad sign

dn: I think they have probably tried NOT breaking the chickens' legs before

dn: trial and error has resulted in this method

floyd: ha

floyd: the zombies just eventually gave up

floyd: because zombies do that

floyd: they get bored and just give up sometimes

dn: who knows?

dn: maybe a healthy chicken pecked one of their eyes out

floyd: who cares?

dn: so at the end of this episode, we see a herd of cattle in the background

dn: and like you just pointed out

dn: zombies eat chickens and woodchucks

floyd: your catching that really made me laugh

dn: I guess barbed wire is doing the job for those cows

floyd: zombies are Hindu?

floyd: IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE

dn: haha

floyd: this show is just an Imperial British racist drama

floyd: it's all just an allegory

floyd: now I kind of want to write that screenplay

dn: it writes itself, really

floyd: "Everybody knows that the British brutally oppressed the Indians"

floyd: "What my show presupposes is ... maybe the Indians deserved it?"

floyd: -- pitch of The Walking Dead

dn: haha

dn: so this episode starts, and little Carl gets in trouble for stealing a handgun

floyd: haha

floyd: oh, Carl

floyd: what a Freudian mess that kid is

floyd: he gets shot, and then he wants to get closer to the gun

dn: and Grimes and Mrs Grimes argue about if they should teach the kid to shoot

dn: which should NOT EVEN BE AN ARGUMENT

floyd: actually, aren't they arguing over whether their small child should be able to carry a loaded gun around?

floyd: and Rick's totally for it

floyd: because Rick is somehow a worse parent than Lori

dn: I thought it was just teaching him how to shoot and whatnot

dn: since no one is supposed to be carrying guns

dn: per Hershel's orders

floyd: man, that rule just went by the wayside

floyd: Hershel is kind of a pushover

dn: so is Lori, because Rick wins and lil' Carl immediately starts shooting at empty bottles

dn: as do like 6 other people in this little gun class they start

dn: lots of bullets shot in this episode

floyd: bullets are virtually unlimited in the zombie apocalypse

floyd: contrary to popular belief, they do NOT become currency

floyd: or maybe that comes later

floyd: since the worst group of survivors ever is just wasting them left and right

floyd: shooting them at each other, even!

dn: next plot point: Short Round spills the beans about the barn zombies to old man Dale, so Dale confronts Hershel about it

dn: and Hershel explains that the barn zombies are his wife, etc, and he wants to keep them around

dn: in case a cure is found

dn: and feed them limping chickens

floyd: a cure for rotting corpses

dn: even though zombies don't need nourishment, I'm pretty sure

floyd: who knows what they need in this world

floyd: it hasn't been addressed much

floyd: if they do need nourishment, it doesn't seem to keep them from rotting

dn: yeah what's up with that?

dn: and I was thinking today about their clothes

dn: seems like zombies lose weight over time

dn: I'd like to see them shuffling around with pants around their ankles

floyd: haha

floyd: I'm sure you would, pervert

dn: it's a very specific fetish

dn: and I REFUSE to be silent or ashamed about it

floyd: this isn't an erotic zombie drama

floyd: God, is it not erotic

floyd: speaking of a total lack of eroticism, Shane and Andrea do it in a car

floyd: poll: More or less disgusting than when Shane banged Lori?

floyd: I say less

dn: probably less, because there is less camera time on the actual event

dn: post-apocalyptic sex in a Hyundai

dn: that's livin!

floyd: Hyundai? More like Fun-day!

floyd: I hate myself

dn: Finally for this episode, Lori asks Short Round to make another pharmacy run, and he brings back MORNING AFTER PILLS for the pregnancy she is weeks into

dn: to her credit, she does say she doesn't know if they will still work

floyd: only because she thinks they expire

floyd: like vodka

dn: and I guess she couldn't tell Glen to pick her up some Pennyroyal Tea or RU486

dn: or U571

floyd: or a coat hanger

dn: wait - was that my joke?

floyd: it was

dn: God, I'm the best

floyd: here's the thing

floyd: if Lori really wanted an abortion

floyd: which, by the way, is a terribly irresponsible thing to do in a zombie apocalypse, given that the human race has been almost completely wiped out

floyd: there's an animal doctor right inside that could probably help somehow

floyd: I mean, I get that she doesn't trust Hershel

floyd: but you know, taking abortion pills weeks after they're supposed to work seems like a pretty poor idea, too

dn: so glad she has this plotline

dn: love to see more camera time for Lori

dn: she's the best, and not at all a horrible skeleton bitch

floyd: yep, it's why I tune in

floyd: for normal life dramas set in a fantastic apocalyptic world

dn: anyway, she takes the pills then IMMEDIATELY vomits them back up

dn: instead of just taking ONE extra minute to make a decision

floyd: a real blow to the pro-choice movement

floyd: so does Rick catch her?

dn: and then Grimes finds out and they have a boring talk about it

floyd: right

floyd: well, it's pretty exciting, for this show

dn: and he's like, "Anything else?"

dn: "Well, I boned Shane."

floyd: and then he doesn't even really care that much

dn: "Oh. That's fine."
floyd: see, that should have been the breaking point

floyd: Jesus, they have a chance for some real drama and they just defuse it by making Rick understanding

floyd: I mean, we'll see what happens, I guess

floyd: I guess ...

dn: we have to see what happens

dn: we're pretty committed to this bullshit

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 5

2011-11-21T20:04:00.003-06:00

[After a week delay, we are still doing this. Hopefully we'll be caught up with the current episode (#6) by tomorrow night.]

floyd: hi

dn: heeeey

dn: it's the Tyler Palko era!

floyd: this is the worst chat room ever

dn: why?

floyd: it causes Chrome to crash

floyd: Chrome!

floyd: it keeps having connection errors

floyd: ok, maybe it's settled in now?

dn: so how about opening it with Explorer or Firefox

dn: or Netscape?

floyd: Explorer?

floyd: good one

floyd: ok, I think it's good to go

dn: like your mom

dn: Episode 5

dn: starts with a flashback

dn: people watch as Atlanta gets napalm dropped on it

floyd: which explains all the burned-out buildings we saw in the first season

dn: does napalm kill zombies?

dn: it would, right?

floyd: well, I imagine it would melt their brains

floyd: but that's the only way it would work

floyd: also, it seemed to have done a really shitty job

dn: haha. yeah

floyd: considering Atlanta was still crawling with zombies

floyd: sorry, WALKERS

dn: have they ever used the word "zombie" on this show?

floyd: not that I can remember

dn: huh

floyd: this show inhabits a world where the word zombie never existed

floyd: for some reason

dn: so this show is big on flashbacks

dn: but the one flashback I'd like to see

dn: is one involving Grimes and his wife

dn: i'd like to see why they got married

floyd: haha

dn: because she is always such a whiny sourpuss

floyd: I was just going to joke about that

floyd: yeah, she's not pleasant to be around

floyd: ever

floyd: has she even smiled yet in the entire show?

dn: maybe a flashback to them at a roller rink or something

dn: or seeing Gallagher smash a watermelon

dn: she'd laugh then!

floyd: doing blow off of a Duran Duran vinyl

floyd: Lori desperately scrambling around the house to flush the drugs

floyd: when the cops are arresting Ray Liot- I mean, Rick

dn: haha i get it

dn: so this episode focuses on the redneck

dn: he takes a horse and goes looking for the little girl

dn: and WHOOPS the redneck falls down a ravine

dn: the redneck is hurt badly. will he survive? will he make it back to the farmhouse?

dn: will we have to watch him nurse his injury for the next 4 weeks?

floyd: yeah, Daryl takes a horse without asking

floyd: Hershel's not pleased, but we've realized by now that Hershel is all bark and no bite

dn: Southern gentleman

floyd: and we find out that the horse was the nervous one

floyd: scared by a rattlesnake

floyd: this is one of the things that really bothered me

floyd: this is a show about zombies

dn: WALKERS

floyd: allegedly

floyd: why is there a rattlesnake scaring anything?

floyd: it really easily could have been a zombie

floyd: come on

dn: haha. yeah. or a skeleton

dn: or a snake squirming out of a zombie's skull

dn: but nope, just a snake chillin' on the ground

floyd: ANYTHING

floyd: other than what happened

floyd: what a bunch of crap

floyd: "well, we need Daryl to fall down for some reason. Any ideas, guys?"

floyd: ".... I got it!!"

floyd: "I bet you're going to say a zom-- "

floyd: "A rattlesnake could scare the horse!"

floyd: "right, that could work, good job Hugh"

floyd: because one of the writers is named Hugh

floyd: he went to Harvard

dn: haha

floyd: his father got him the job

dn: "The boys at the Lampoon will get a kick out of this!"

dn: finishing the storyline-

dn: he hallucinates from the pain of having an arrow in his side

dn: a WALKER wakes him up by ALMOST biting him

dn: so he shoots one with an arrow

floyd: ha, it was gnawing on his shoe

floyd: nothing's more terrifying than monsters so stupid that they go for your shoe rather than your neck when you're unconscious

dn: and kills another

dn: and then just kind of heals himself?

dn: through the power of "gettin' mean"?

floyd: adrenaline

dn: always a pet peeve of mine

dn: this guy fell down a cliff

dn: TWICE

dn: and has lost blood

dn: but he just cuts open a squirrel he shot earlier

dn: and eats some raw squirrel guts

dn: for a boost of energy

dn: PROBLEM SOLVED

floyd: he's a redneck Popeye

dn: haha exactly

dn: it's like when football coaches say their team isn't being tough enough

dn: "We just need to get tougher!"

floyd: it's like when football coaches get really racist for no good reason

floyd: "You know who wins if you die? The n*****s, that's who!"

dn: so he trudges back to the farmhouse

dn: and Andrea, the horrible blonde, is on WALKER watch

floyd: for some reason

dn: she spots him and a bunch of guys goes to see what's up

floyd: somebody finally let her get her hands on a gun

floyd: a sniper rifle, no less

floyd: and the guys are like "don't shoot, we got this"

dn: and she's like, "GIRL POWER!"

floyd: god she's terrible

dn: she tries to shoot the "Walker"

dn: with her first ever shot from a sniper rifle, and possibly any gun

floyd: but it's Daryl!

floyd: from like 100 yards, too

floyd: in direct disobedience of the armed men that were going to kill the single zombie

floyd: also, given the way this show has gone so far, and given what little Carl had surgery for, what, two days ago?

floyd: she goes ahead and takes the shot that easily could have hit one of the confirmed humans

floyd: this all makes sense, because this is something a person would do in this crazy situation, right?

dn: i noticed when I saw part of a rerun

dn: that she was also shooting into the sun

dn: which is partially why she didn't recognize it as the redneck

dn: and adds another degree of difficulty to the sniper shot

floyd: it's why she only nicked him

dn: still a hell of a shot, really

floyd: an incredible shot

floyd: an unnecessary, extremely dangerous and careless, incredible shot

floyd: really, doing something like this would get a person exiled among responsible humans

floyd: but with Andrea, they're just like "shake it off, we all make mistakes"

dn: if she left, there would only be 2 or 3 people left to constantly nag

dn: the other part of this episode worth mentioning

dn: so Short Round is on the porch when the farmer's daughter, Maggie, comes by

dn: and he says, "I still have 11 condoms left."

dn: pick up line of the decade?

floyd: haha

floyd: Glen sucks

floyd: worst comeback ever? "I don't even know if I like you yet"

floyd: "I'm sorry, did you hear I had 11 wedding rings? Because that's not what I said. I said I had 11 condoms. You know, for fucking."

dn: the worst part of that pick up line

dn: is that it worked, because she later slipped him a note

dn: asking where they should meet that night

dn: she chose to pass the note during dinner

dn: when everyone was in the same room

dn: rather than any other time, when it's easy to communicate secretly

floyd: these are decisions that rational people would make

floyd: not characters that exist solely as plot drivers

dn: as if to make your point, she waits until much later to read his written response

dn: "ever done it in a hayloft?"

floyd: just to recap

floyd: she passed him a note

floyd: during dinner

floyd: so important it couldn't wait

floyd: asking where he wanted to have secret, taboo sex again

floyd: that night!

floyd: and then she waits what appears to have been at least an hour to two to read the response

floyd: MAKES PERFECT SENSE

dn: so she RUNS to the barn

dn: only to see she's too late

dn: Glen has already discovered that WALKERS are kept in the barn

floyd: I realize we're almost done, but this part really, really bugged me

floyd: even though it wasn't surprising at all

floyd: I mean, we knew there was something going on at this weird farm, and it was pretty much directly alluded to when Hershel talked about how he thought he could cure the disease

floyd: but how the fuck are there like 20 zombies being kept in a barn that nobody can detect?

floyd: they don't smell?

dn: maybe the pile manure around the barn to mask the scent of undead flesh

floyd: they don't make noises, or start banging on the doors when they hear people running around shooting each other outside, or dragging zombies out of wells

floyd: I mean, crap, Lori alone has shrieked enough to get those zombies all riled up to start banging on the doors

floyd: like they do at the end of the episode

floyd: and where is this goddam little girl?

floyd: ugh, can they just find Sophia already???

dn: apparently not

dn: they're going to sit and tread water all season

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 4

2011-11-10T21:49:00.002-06:00

floyd: hello

dn: hi

floyd: just so you know, Aerosmith's Amazing is just wrapping up on my Spotify

floyd: so I expect big things here

dn: EAT THE RICH

dn: man, what an album

floyd: GET A GRIP

floyd: yeah, they were pretty prescient

dn: you gotta have stones if you're livin in the city

dn: you wanna hang loose you gotta GET A GRIP

dn: did I get that right?

floyd: dude looks like a lady!!!

floyd: I think

dn: that seems about right for not hearing the title track for a dozen years

dn: we're off to a great start

dn: !

dn: this won't take long, since nothing happened in this episode. again

dn: there was ONE zombie

floyd: speaking of dudes that look like ladies, Glen gets laid in this episode

dn: Glen is the Asian guy's name?

dn: I thought it was Shortround

floyd: not sure

floyd: haha

floyd: what was the Asian kid's name in Goonies?

floyd: I assume it's the same actor

dn: or Temple of Doom or something

dn: "The boy known as Short Round was born on February 8, 1926 as Wan Li. Orphaned during the Japanese bombing of Shanghai in 1932, Li picked up his alias as a pickpocket on the streets of his home town and attempted to rob the man he would later refer to as Dr. Jones. "

dn: http://indianajones.wikia.com/wiki/Short...

dn: wait...

dn: the street urchins of Shanghai gave him the name Short Round?

dn: speaka the english over there?

floyd: Short Round means something different in Mandarin

dn: Right. OK. So.

dn: the episode

dn: there is some talk from Hershel, the vet who runs the farmhouse, about not carrying guns on the property

dn: I didn't understand it AT ALL

floyd: it made NO sense

floyd: particularly since there were already obviously guns

floyd: I mean, the fat guy was hunting with a rifle

floyd: Rick had a gun the whole time until he needlessly gave it to the hunter

floyd: Andrea apparently carries a gun around with her, despite the rest of the group not letting her have a gun

dn: "Well, we've managed not to turn this ol' farmhouse into an armed garrison, so let's keep doing that, even though an armed garrison would be more preferable by 1000x"

floyd: "barb wire was good enough for my 'pa, and it's good enough now"

dn: i guess they're simply setting us up for something

dn: in the next episode I'll bet

floyd: you think?

dn: they need a gun and oops there aren't any handy

floyd: except I like how easily Hershel later goes back on his hard rule

floyd: "well, since you said a few sentences, I guess I'll think about breaking my ONE RULE"

floyd: also, what kind of farm is this?

floyd: the one rule is "Don't touch my daughter"

floyd: oops, too late Hershel

dn: it's a rich people's farm

dn: they just have horses, so they're just rich folk who live in the country

dn: that's my take

floyd: who are somehow undetectable by zombies

dn: so while you bring up his daughter let's get into that plotline

dn: the daughter is like "We're running low on drugs so I'm heading to the pharmacy"

dn: and Grimes is like, "Take Short Round with you, because he's good at those missions."

floyd: ha

floyd: didn't somebody say something about him being good at getting into tight spaces?

floyd: I swear I heard that line

dn: he's good at SURPRISE ATTACKS

dn: "Asians are great at tunnels."

floyd: was the pharmacy run before or after the well?

dn: after

dn: so they are getting ready to hit the pharmacy, and Mrs Grimes tells Short Round he has to pick up something secret for her

dn: she writes him a secret note that he doesn't understand, and she says "look in the feminine hygiene section"

dn: cool note

floyd: haha

dn: he's gonna learn your secret in an hour - you sure you just don't want to tell him now?

floyd: and is she seriously asking for a brand name?

dn: i think so!

floyd: in a zombie apocalypse, generics still aren't good enough for bitchface Lori

dn: the power of advertising

dn: big pharma

floyd: what a cheap way to heighten suspense

floyd: just terrible

dn: yup! again.

dn: so fast forward, we're at the pharmacy

floyd: and the suspense could have been built even without Glen's confusion

floyd: she could have whispered something to him

dn: haha true!

floyd: he could have looked at her, kind of a "really?" or even a "wow" or "I understand"

dn: well, that took you two seconds to improve the script

floyd: and the audience would have still had the reveal when he picked it up in the feminine hygiene section

floyd: that was RIGHT NEXT to the hardware section

floyd: stole that from videogum, but too good not to bring up here

dn: it was a small mom & pop pharmacy - I'll allow it

floyd: Georgia is weird

dn: so FAST FORWARD

dn: no zombies so far, they begin to search for what they can bring back and use on the farm

floyd: all the zombies are still at the high school

floyd: just milling around

dn: instead of saying, "you take a look, I'll be on watch for the undead."

dn: "That mercilessly roam this countryside looking to murder us"

dn: and while farmer's daughter is looking around, he scrambles around the female section

dn: and discovers Mrs Grimes wanted A PREGNANCY TEST

floyd: the reveal!

dn: "whoa!" --nobody who's been paying attention to this show

dn: "wow!" --nobody who has a brain

dn: "brains!" --zombies

floyd: I'll be honest, I wasn't completely sure what it would be

floyd: mostly because I figured Glen would know what a pregnancy test was, and where to find it

floyd: I never thought that Lori would ask for a brand name

dn: I wish her note would have said "Noose. For hanging myself."

floyd: haha

floyd: cyanide

floyd: look in the feminine hygiene section

dn: haha

dn: maybe she needed the brand name because she's too dumb to interpret the generic brands

dn: "I need something that shows a picture of a baby after I pee on it"

floyd: after I audibly pee on it

floyd: nice scene, Walking Dead

dn: I wish it was an HBO show so they could have got REALLY GRAPHIC with it

floyd: I was thinking that about the sexy scene

dn: Also, the test was positive. for those of you who read this solely to catch up on what they missed

floyd: farmer's daughter is kind of cute, in a "well, it's the end of the world, I guess I'll fuck you" kind of way

dn: she is legitimately cute

floyd: "We can't be picky anymore"

floyd: Self esteem skyrocketing!

floyd: stop it, you're making me hot!

floyd: "This zombie apocalypse is making me horny!" -- Glen

dn: farmer's daughter sees Short Round messing around in the hygiene section

dn: he panics, trying to keep the secret

dn: and grabs a box of condoms

dn: there's some wacky condom laffs

dn: and then she's like, "Let's do this."

floyd: btw, that move doesn't really work

floyd: I try it in CVS now and then

dn: well, not in a world where the dead stay dead

floyd: yeah, that's why it's not working

floyd: women be picky

dn: let me ask you this

dn: how well do you think you'd perform in a unlocked, unguarded pharmacy in zombie territory?

floyd: some people can only be turned on by imminent death

floyd: I'm not one of them

floyd: so, poorly

floyd: or quickly?

floyd: is there a difference?

dn: I concur

dn: I'm gonna at least need a lock on that door

floyd: you're a romantic

dn: so they boned, but after she's like, "that was a one time thing"

dn: someone horny enough to fuck in a dangerous pharmacy says it's not happening again

floyd: ah, the afterglow

floyd: and Glen just puffs on his cigarette and is like, "Whatever"

dn: the only other plotline was the well

dn: the group is like, "Can we get some water?"

dn: and they're like, "Sure."

dn: and they find a zombie fell into one of the five farm wells

floyd: No. 2

floyd: it was the second well

floyd: they didn't even bother checking the other three

dn: I don't have a problem with that

dn: it's poor form to leave a zombie goofin around on your farm

dn: even if he's at the bottom of your well

dn: what I DO have a problem with

dn: is deciding not to shoot it

dn: so they don't "contaminate the water"

floyd: yeah, that made no sense whatsoever

dn: water that has been steeped in zombie for weeks

floyd: the zombie is bloated and rotting

floyd: I'm pretty sure that water is dirty

floyd: but these people are REALLY stupid

dn: the zombie looked like the monster from Goonies, actually

floyd: Sloth?

dn: right

floyd: Zombie Sloth?

dn: hey you guys, brains!

dn: he also kinda looked like the old lady in the gang from Goonies

dn: she was an unfortunate looking woman

floyd: she lived a hard life

dn: haha

floyd: the crime, the idiot sons, the giant halfwit

dn: was Sloth her son?

dn: do I need to find a Goonies wiki now?

floyd: yes

floyd: Sloth was her child

floyd: he abused him

floyd: which is why he turned against her at the end

floyd: have you even seen Goonies?

floyd: how does someone with your pop culture knowledge forget the plot of Goonies?

dn: many times, but it's been a while

dn: I guess that explains why they looked alike

floyd: ha

floyd: I guess not everybody watched that movie every day for years

dn: I watched it a lot as a kid

dn: sorry I forgot who was related to who

dn: or that it was Josh Brolin's first big role

dn: does it make it any better knowing I've been to Astoria, where The Goonies was filmed?

dn: and saw their home with my own eyes?

dn: and saw the beach where they filmed the pirate ship scene at the end?

floyd: that was in Astoria?

dn: the beach is down the road a ways, but the house is in Astoria

floyd: Astoria, Queens, right?

dn: wow

dn: Astoria, OREGON

floyd: I thought Queens was a strange place to film Goonies

dn: I think you've lost your claim to the "King of The Goonies" title

floyd: hey man, there's some weird parts of Queens

floyd: anyway

floyd: the well

dn: so they tried to get the zombie out of the well by lowering Short Round down, asking him to tie a rope around it so they can pull it up

dn: classic well science

floyd: well, first they tried to entice the zombie with a ham, which was somehow going to make it easier to loop a rope around its neck

floyd: seriously

floyd: that was their first idea

floyd: THEN they decided to send a human down there

dn: yeah, they used the WHOLE canned ham

dn: they attached fish hooks to it or something

dn: it's like a plan a first grader would have had

dn: a first grader with no knowledge of rationing

floyd: or water contamination

dn: anyway, there were some shenanigans, but eventually they pull the zombie up

dn: except the zombie tears in half

dn: because it's rotten

dn: so its lower torso falls back in the well

dn: "contaminating" it

dn: even moreso

floyd: keep in mind, the weight of the body didn't tear the head off during its ascent

dn: and now the farm only has four other wells

floyd: yep

floyd: only four more freshwater wells to keep this small group of humans alive

floyd: including the one that supplies the house, that's apparently so ample that Shane can just leave the fucking hot water running while he symbolically shaves his head

dn: haha

dn: yup, lots of water

dn: one less ham, though

floyd: yep, just wasting that canned ham

dn: two other things in this episode, which probably took 20 minutes of our time but can be summed up in one:

dn: 1. Grimes asks Herschel to let the group stay there for as long as they want, not just until his kid is healed

dn: 2. the redneck walks around looking for the lost girl, and of course doesn't find her

floyd: 3. Carl wears a hat

dn: oh right! Looks like grimes will finally not be wearing his sheriff's outfit anymore

floyd: things are changing!

floyd: also, Carl is pretty much totally recovered

floyd: in what might be three days since being shot in the chest?

dn: that rascal will be out catching fireflies next episode

floyd: out petting wild animals

dn: great kid

floyd: and the freaking girl is STILL not found

floyd: they're really going to keep dragging that along

floyd: can they kill the mom at least?

floyd: she might be the worst character in television

dn: I guess we'll see what happens. SUNDAY NIGHT!!!

dn: by the way I saw the season 1 DVD for sale in Best Buy today

dn: you'll recall season 1 was 6 episodes

dn: retail price: $40

floyd: how many copies did you buy?

dn: zero copies

floyd: stocking stuffer!

floyd: it's on Amazon for like $13

dn: and I complained to the manager

dn: and God

floyd: haha

dn: talk to you Monday

floyd: later

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 3

2011-11-08T19:46:00.003-06:00

[Floyd and I are still watching AMC's "The Walking Dead", even though I think it's not scary nor thrilling, and even though Floyd read the first series of the graphic novel it's based on and didn't want to read the rest.]

dn: The show starts with a scene where Shane shaves his head

floyd: ok

dn: you told me you thought this was a flashback at first

floyd: I did

floyd: because of the running shower

floyd: and the electricity

dn: did you wonder why they would flash back to such a boring time in everyone's life?

floyd: couldn't be much more boring than the zombie apocalypse lives they're leading

dn: how long until you figured out it was a flash forward?

floyd: I didn't realize until they finally came back to it later in the episode

floyd: seriously

dn: ok. we'll get into that later

floyd: I thought they were just showing a time in the past that Shane shaved his head for some reason

floyd: figured it made as much sense as anything else they show us

dn: for now, we've got Shane and fat hunter trapped in the school, standing on bleachers, planning to get away from the zombie horde

dn: they come up with a "plan" in 20 seconds, decide it's foolproof, and begin its execution

floyd: how did the fat guy get up on top of the bleachers?

floyd: never mind

dn: they both immediately sprain their ankles escaping the zombies

floyd: the plan being to use human bait

floyd: becoming a common theme

dn: I never thought about it before

dn: but it seems like jumping from high places

dn: is an important survival skill

dn: when the undead are involved

floyd: yeah, it's important to know how to do

floyd: there's lots of climbing and jumping when zombies are chasing you

dn: i wish there was a parkour guy in this group of characters

dn: that would liven things up

floyd: parkour?

dn: where you jump around on common objects?

dn: like the opening scene in Casino Royale

dn: www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaeXVnhw7iU

floyd: ah

floyd: right

floyd: I was thinking of Super Mario Brothers

dn: huge green pipes are not common objects

floyd: giant mushrooms, however ...

dn: meanwhile at the farmhouse, Grimes' wife Lori is considering letting her child die

dn: rather than risk an operation

dn: or something?

floyd: which is a nice thought to have after you've already sent two people on a suicide mission to bring back surgical equipment

dn: haha

floyd: also the same woman that gave the doctor a bitch fit after finding out he wasn't a people doctor

dn: she says "This isn't a world for children anymore."

floyd: haha, FORESHADOWING

dn: good parental instinct? or THE BEST parental instinct?

floyd: Darwin in action

floyd: maybe Lori realizes that she and Rick/Shane aren't fit for survival

dn: then we're back at the school clusterfuck

dn: Shane is up against a chain link fence

dn: lots of chain link in this episode

dn: and zombies are advancing.

floyd: it's a school

floyd: all I remember about high school is the chain link fences

floyd: also, I went to school at a prison

dn: Shane gives a look like, "Time to activate BEAST MODE!"

dn: but then it's like, whoops, this is too many zombies to kill

floyd: "BEAST MODE" meaning letting three zombies get dangerously close before shooting them

dn: when all the sudden a zombie head explodes, and we see the fat hunter shot him from behind

dn: in fact, it seems that the hunter, the zombie head, and Shane were all lined up

floyd: which struck me as awfully dangerous, considering the fat hunter already shot one person by shooting through his intended target

dn: this guy needs a basic hunter's safety course

floyd: it would have been great, though, if he shot Shane the same way he shot Carl

floyd: and then that kind of became his catch phrase

dn: uh oh, Spaghetti-Os!

floyd: especially if, after shooting another person by shooting through something, he shrugged his shoulders and asked the camera, "Did I do that???"

dn: well, he does have suspenders like Urkel

floyd: this show could use some Urkel

dn: did you watch Family Matters growing up?

floyd: I think

floyd: I don't remember any plots, I just remember Urkel

dn: I did. I remember kind of wondering if it would be more funny to me if I was black

floyd: haha

floyd: I felt the same way about Friends

dn: and Urkel really liked the neighbor girl, right?

dn: but I wasn't really sure how hot she was

dn: because I had no exposure to hot black people

dn: other than The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

dn: so it's like, "Why is Urkel so obsessed? Is this the hottest black girl in the world or what?"

dn: ...maybe I should have kept this to myself

floyd: what about Lisa Turtle?

floyd: I mean, Screech was just a white Urkel

floyd: I think that's the title of his biography: "Screech: White Urkel"

dn: but he was the original

dn: the first nerd ever on TV

dn: or film

dn: don't research it - just trust me

dn: I feel like maybe I got us off track?

dn: now seems like the time to say that the farmhouse vet guy is named "Hershel"

dn: just a classic backwoods Georgia name

dn: one time I asked my dad if Hershel Walker was Jewish

dn: and he kinda laughed and said "maybe"

floyd: what did he say?

floyd: and why would you ask that?

dn: uh, I guess because he was the only Hershel I knew

dn: but then there was an SNL skit that made it kind of obvious that Hershel was a classic Jew name

dn: but explained there weren't a lot of Jewish blacks out there

floyd: did you know any Jews?

dn: of course not

floyd: oh

dn: I feel like maybe I got us off track again

floyd: well, there's a lot going on

floyd: and it's really easy to get back on track

floyd: because maybe 4 things happen in an episode

dn: thing #3: the redneck and the bitchy chick decide to walk around in the pitch black woods searching for the lost girl

dn: must've been a full moon or something

dn: plenty of light for them

floyd: I thought they were going to hump, maybe

dn: me too

floyd: but no, that would have been intriguing

floyd: or at least something

floyd: instead, they talk about her wanting a gun some more

floyd: ugh

dn: they find a guy that hung himself, then turned zombie afterward

floyd: "Got Bit. Got Lit. Ended It. Sayonora"

floyd: isn't that what his note said?

dn: Got Bit. World went to shit. Might as well quit.

dn: why do I know that?

floyd: haha

dn: I might like yours better

dn: shows he was a party dude

floyd: it's more Southern

dn: got bit, y'all. Go Dawgs!

dn: the redneck asks that bitch if she still has a will to live, and she's like, "Shoot that thing with one of your precious arrows and I'll tell you."

dn: and he does, and she says, "Kinda"

floyd: haha

floyd: right

floyd: he should have made her go get the arrow

floyd: for giving such a crappy answer

floyd: here's the question about that scene

floyd: what if she'd said "no"

floyd: what would redneck have done?

dn: maybe then they would have boned

floyd: I think he would have killed her

floyd: wait, that's me

floyd: and then they found the girl

floyd: no they didn't

floyd: why do they all care so much if Andrea kills herself?

floyd: man, let her finish it

floyd: THIS ISN'T A WORLD FOR CHILDREN

dn: OR BITCHES

floyd: "For the last time, you can't have your gun!"

dn: this show has the worst way of bringing up deep conversations

dn: the next one was the vet's daughter and the asian dude

dn: the vet's daughter was like "Do you believe in God"

dn: just jumped right into it on the farmhouse porch

dn: but anyway

dn: then something EXCITING actually happened

floyd: well, are we skipping past where he asked her if she believed in God?

floyd: to which she responds, "I always just took it on faith"

floyd: to which God facepalmed himself

dn: haha

floyd: that somebody is getting paid to write this stuff

floyd: ok

floyd: so Shane and fat hunter are kind of jogging away from the zombies

floyd: and you can tell they're getting tired, because they keep looking at each other like they're really tired

floyd: and they only have one bullet left -- "I only have one bullet left" -- because they wasted a bunch of bullets shooting zombies from the top of the bleachers

floyd: although Shane still has a bullet

floyd: which, after saying "Sorry" and TOTALLY not meaning it, shoots it into the hunter's leg

floyd: with his gun

dn: yes, with his bullet gun

floyd: for some reason he didn't just kill the hunger, or really wound him badly enough not to fight

dn: the hunter says, "Uh oh! Spaghetti Os!"

floyd: because then he has to wrestle this disgusting, bleeding fat man to get the surgical supplies

floyd: which thankfully weren't crushed by the hundreds of pounds writhing around on top of htem

floyd: "Did I do that?"

dn: and the hunter feebly fights back by grabbing at Shane's hair

floyd: and then the hunter gets torn to shreds by zombies after Shane miraculously gets away just in time, missing only a tuft of hair, which I guess is why he shaved his head, also because of SYMBOLISM or something

dn: he makes it back to the farmhouse JUST IN TIME

dn: with the supplies, and the kid gets his surgery

floyd: after Carl has his hilarious seizure

floyd: that kid is just begging for the Emmy

floyd: and he's not going to get it

floyd: because he's a terrible actor

floyd: even for a kid

floyd: I think my quote was earlier, "Carl makes Jake Lloyd look like Marlon Brando"

dn: which is performed under bright lights because somehow this rural Georgia farmhouse has electricity

floyd: they have generators, Dan

floyd: a bunch of generatoers

dn: they have a bunch of generators

dn: but the CDC's generators ran out of fuel like a week or two ago

floyd: the CDC was huge, though

dn: whatever.

dn: and Shane claims the hunter sacrificed himself

dn: instead of saying "I'm a monster and shot that fatty."

floyd: "Natural Selection, bitches"

floyd: "now go save that useless child"

dn: so they're like, "Nice work, Shane."

dn: "you're definitely a hero and not a monster"

dn: "go hit the shower"

floyd: and then five minutes later, the doc comes out and says Carl is going to be fine

floyd: "We were all worried about nothing!" is what he said

floyd: "The X-Rays show that all the bullet fragments are removed!"

dn: "Carl will be fine. He'll walk again. But his acting will still be terrible."

dn: "and he'll still have dumb urges to pet large wildlife"

floyd: "we can't tell if he suffered brain damage or not"

floyd: and Lori's like, "I'm so happy?"

floyd: because she still doesn't think that this is a world for children

floyd: then she nags somebody about something

floyd: and that this farmhouse has an abundance of fuel and water

floyd: pretty convenient

floyd: and white bread

dn: and then we close the episode with Shane's head shaving scene, and we all realize it was a flash FORWARD

dn: here's what I wrote about that head shaving scene on Videogum, which does a magnificent job of recapping this piece of crap:

dn: The cold open/flash forward both took away the suspense of “will Shane escape the high school” AND the suspense of “what’s Shane looking for as he crazily rummages through the bathroom”.

dn: I figured out the flash forward right away

dn: probably because I've seen Breaking Bad and you haven't

dn: and it's clear the writers think they have to imitate Breaking Bad to a tee

dn: and BB really likes those flash forward cold opens

floyd: well, the week before they tried what I guess we'll call a Lost homage

floyd: with the flashback cold open

floyd: then never flashed back again

dn: yep, it was time well spent

floyd: because the flashback was completely useless

floyd: "We need to remind people that Rick was shot"

dn: and that his wife is horrible

floyd: "and that he and Lori's marriage is kind of limp and flaccid"

floyd: "and that Carl is sad that Rick is shot"

floyd: Good use of five minutes, guys!

dn: good series!

dn: can't wait for season 3!

floyd: do you think thye'll have found the girl by then?

floyd: or is the girl like the Russian from the Sopranos?

floyd: just disappears into the woods, never to be heard of again?

dn: it's like the briefcase from Pulp Fiction

floyd: also, if you've never seen Sopranos, apologies for the spoiler

floyd: it's a really good episode

floyd: ROSEBUD

dn: Soylent Green

floyd: the spinning top from Inception

dn: so we'll talk episode 4 tomorrow?

floyd: yes

floyd: tomorrow

Bottle Serviced

2011-11-07T17:05:00.000-06:00

I rode in a limo for the very first time on Saturday! I celebrated with the finest reasonably priced champagne!

Now that Floyd and I are not on the road, we will resume Walking Dead chats soon. Very soon.

Dan-A-Carve-y

2011-10-26T21:22:00.004-05:00

Carved pumpkins on Saturday. It was my first time! Very cool! Also very cool, my wife dedicating her jack-o-lantern to me. Hers is on the left, and even says "#1" on the back.

Several days of 80-degree weather have these things looking horribly limp now.

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 2

2011-10-24T19:51:00.002-05:00

[Floyd and I continue to discuss AMC's "The Walking Dead", a hugely popular cable series about zombies that is terrible and makes little sense.]

dn: do you want to go through the show bit by bit

dn: or just discuss a few things

floyd: I mean, with this episode, it could be recapped in about three sentences

floyd: what with all the action and plot movement and all

dn: right. so let's discuss the dying boy plotline first

dn: The boy gets shot by a bullet that goes through a deer and into his stomach

dn: turns out this fat hunter was the guy who fired

dn: so he directs Grimes and Shane to a farmhouse, where he says a doctor can help the boy

floyd: it was a hell of a shot

dn: yes, through dense woods

floyd: and a convenient time to know a doctor nearby

floyd: without that doctor within running distance, that plotline would have really fizzled

dn: lots of stuff was near this area, it turns out

dn: i mean, the traffic jam on the highway

dn: the church in the woods

dn: and now a gorgeous turn-of-the-century farmhouse/ranch

floyd: that the zombie hordes have completely left alone

dn: maybe they should call this show "The Walking Deux Ex Machina"

floyd: I will if you will

dn: so they get to the farmhouse, and the boy is in bad shape but maybe the doctor can fix him

dn: he's got to pull some bullet fragments out of his flank

floyd: the doctor also immediately knew how many fragments the bullet split into

floyd: it was 6

floyd: six fragments

dn: yeah, he could see all 6 somehow

floyd: there's more to this doctor than we see at first glance perhaps?

dn: you're suggesting he has magical powers?

floyd: I mean, why not?

floyd: in a world where zombies can use tools and climb ladders, anything is possible

dn: he had more of a Wilfred Brimley vibe, in my opinion

dn: I just figured he'd fix some oatmeal and check his diabetes and let the kid die

floyd: which would have possibly been more exciting than what actually happened

dn: right

floyd: I mean, I'd watch that show

floyd: "Kid's a goner. Now if you'll excuse me, I got some 'meal to much on"

dn: he'd be such a loveable curmudgeon!

dn: "In my day, we beat zombies to death with whole grain oats."

floyd: I would kind of like to see Brimley fight a zombie invasion, though

dn: I would like to see the whole cast of "Cocoon" fight them

floyd: you wouldn't be able to tell who the zombies were

dn: But anyway, the doctor and his lovely daughters go into medical mode, and transfuse the dad's blood into the kid. The kid wakes up as the doc is pulling out a bullet fragment, so he's screaming in pain

dn: this causes the dad to freak out and yell, "STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM!!!"

floyd: haha

floyd: still hilarious

dn: the best! I laughed for the next five minutes, no joke.

floyd: way to be tough, Rick

dn: i mean, the kid had no idea where he was!

dn: all he knew is he woke up

floyd: and some old man is cutting him open

dn: someone was digging in his chest

dn: and holding him down

floyd: and his dad is screaming like a lunatic

dn: great parenting. very cool under pressure.

floyd: he's been through a lot!

floyd: as they constantly remind us

floyd: over and over

floyd: I'd like "STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM" to become a meme

dn: i'd love to hear that every week

floyd: also, what are the odds of the phrase "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME" occurring in the next episode?

dn: the show moves so slow I'd like to have something to look forward to

dn: well, let's talk about the planned surgery

dn: Shane and fat hunter decide to go to the high school to get supplies for the bullet fragment surgery

dn: because the hospital burned to the ground about "one month" ago

floyd: convenient again

dn: which helps us with the timeline we discussed last week

dn: these people have been in zombieland for more than a month

dn: I'd say two months easy, right?

floyd: I have no idea

floyd: how long was Rick under?

dn: who knows? not the writers, that's for sure

floyd: I figured he woke up about a week after shit went down, right?

dn: i guess it doesn't matter, except to say that everyone should be more used to zombie life by now

floyd: and then he found his family pretty quickly

floyd: the point is that it took his whore wife less than a month to start a relationship with his best friend

dn: haha

dn: get busy fuckin or get busy dyin

floyd: man, remember how disgusting that sex scene was in the first season? between Whore and Shane?

floyd: ugh

floyd: gives me shivers

dn: yeah, backwoods fuckin

floyd: and then later Shane tries to rape her

floyd: good pick there, lady

dn: plus, not that it would improve things much, but neither are very attractive?

floyd: has either smiled yet?

floyd: in the entire series?

dn: really strange that AMC decided not to cast any attractive people in this show

floyd: she might be more attractive if she ever, ever smiled

floyd: and maybe ate a cheeseburger once in awhile

dn: most horror flicks ONLY cast attractive people to make up for the shit writing

dn: she might be more attractive if she wasn't a wet blanket

floyd: on EVERYTHING

dn: and if this show didn't have, like, 7 wet blanket characters that would help too

floyd: like when she finds out the doctor

floyd: the doctor that miraculously was close by in the woods

floyd: was only a veterinarian

floyd: I mean, Jesus, lady, this old man is trying to save your boring son

floyd: give him a break

dn: yeah she's the worst

dn: everybody is the worst

floyd: btw, that kid makes Jake Lloyd seem like Marlon Brando

dn: ahahaha

dn: all he's asked to do is frown, so...

floyd: and smile when he sees deer

floyd: he's decent at playing dead, I guess

floyd: perhaps he's got a future in crime serials

dn: ok ok. so to sum up this plotline, the 2 guys go to get medical supplies, but as they try to escape the zombies they end up locking themselves in the high school

dn: will they make it back to the house with the supplies in time to save the shitty acting kid?

floyd: real quick on that

floyd: so they use flares to distract the zombies

floyd: to get into the surgery trailer

floyd: they didn't have an exit plan?

dn: yeah, they could have brought an extra flare with them

floyd: or, I don't know, anything other than what they did

floyd: crap, have the guy mow through the zombies in the truck or something

dn: pretty terrible work

floyd: I would have gotten some gasoline and set the zombies on fire

floyd: or maybe set the truck on fire, with a corpse in it, so it'll smell tasty to the zombies, and then rolled it past them so they'd chase and kill themselves trying to get in

floyd: see?

floyd: it's not that fucking hard, Shane

dn: and now they're trapped inside the school, so maybe some chemistry lab stuff will happen next week to kill all those zombies

dn: but probably not, because that would be exciting

floyd: I'm actually kind of interested to see how stupid the way they escape is

floyd: what deus ex machina they'll use this time

dn: i bet they won't cover themselves in zombie entrails

floyd: does one-armed redneck brother make a reappearance?

dn: because that already worked once

floyd: right, they won't do that again

floyd: I was kind of hoping that they'd just start blasting zombies through the grate

floyd: with enough bullets, that could work

dn: with infinite bullets, yes

floyd: and the fat guy is already good at hitting two targets with one bullet

dn: haha

dn: you know, what's stopping them from just stabbing each zombie in the eye through the grate?

dn: it would take a lot of time, but isn't it foolproof?

floyd: well, I think the grate is going to break before they could finish that

floyd: but otherwise, yeah, that would work

floyd: the zombies are just going to line up for it

floyd: patience is the key when dealing with zombie hordes

floyd: also, having an exit plan

floyd: that's important

dn: should we mention the other plotlines? they are barely worth mentioning

floyd: you know who would do really well in a zombie apocalypse?

floyd: you guessed it, John Olerud

dn: he's protected, and he's precise

dn: my hero

floyd: well, the only other real plotline is that the others are getting ready to leave them behind, right?

dn: yeah

dn: the group is split up and maybe they should move on down the road?

floyd: where were they going again?

floyd: another army base or something?

dn: although they haven't been attacked on the highway for days and it seems kinda fine at the moment.

dn: Yeah, I guess an army base

floyd: right, the zombies are kind of thinning out

floyd: and apparently are content to just swarm around FEMA trailers

floyd: is that a metaphor?

floyd: is that a RACIST metaphor?

dn: I assume so

floyd: also note that the only black guy still alive would die without the help of the Southern white man

floyd: this show is suspect

dn: right, the black guy has an infection and needs antibiotics

dn: which he gets from the redneck

dn: and i'm sure there is no problem with dosing or antibiotic resistance

floyd: are those things?

dn: I'm sure you can just grab some from the bag and fix your problems, no sweat

floyd: I'm not in the medical field

floyd: I would just grab some from a bag and fix my problems, I think

dn: yeah it's fine

dn: any pill will fix you, basically

floyd: you sound like my grandma

floyd: rest in peace

dn: lol?

dn: lol!

floyd: STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM

dn: so that's it? that was the whole goddamn hour of television? we've summed it all up?

floyd: that took an entire hour

floyd: there was one interesting part

floyd: just one

floyd: when Rick and the doctor are having the conversation on the porch

floyd: you know, just wasting away the afternoon while the little boy with the gunshot wound lays dying

dn: they had to get some air

dn: the whole house smelled like boy death

floyd: and the doctor talks about how this is just a correction

floyd: and Rick disagrees

floyd: see, that's the glimmer of a deeper story that I enjoy

floyd: I doubt they'll get back to it

floyd: but they almost had something interesting there

floyd: then we got back to angst

floyd: and Shane and Rick's awkward, forced bromance

dn: didn't he compare the zombie outbreak to AIDS?

floyd: ha, yeah, he did

floyd: AIDS was just like a zombie outbreak

floyd: all those homosexuals running around, biting people

floyd: man, the 80s were crazy

dn: Crystal Pepsi. Ghostbusters. Gay sex. The '80s!

floyd: so I was reading another message board about the show

floyd: and spoiler alert: apparently there's more to this farmhouse than it first appears

floyd: what are the odds that this "doctor" is performing unorthodox, perhaps unethical experiments in an attempt to find a cure?

dn: nah

dn: I bet there's just a cellar with some root vegetables in it

floyd: haha

floyd: they're just Mormons

floyd: they politely ask Rick and his wife if they've heard of Mormonism

floyd: Rick and wife decline, and they leave it alone

floyd: and that's episode 3

floyd: that conversation takes 45 minutes

dn: it takes the next 4 episodes

floyd: at the end a single zombie is seen walking toward the house

floyd: that's it

floyd: thanks for tuning into another awesome episode of The Walking Dead

dn: they try to get Rick and his wife to sign up for Amway

floyd: hahaha

floyd: Shane's totally into it

floyd: "I've always wanted to own my business"

dn: haha

dn: "This could be the sign I've been waiting for"

floyd: if this show is a metaphor for Amway ... ok, I could accept that

dn: so we're done? just waiting to see if this kid dies I guess?

floyd: and if the little girl shows up again, maybe

floyd: and to see how Shane and the fat guy survive the zombie horde

floyd: I mean, those are the only plotlines they really left us with at this point

dn: well, if the kids and a few adults die, we could maybe get this show down to a manageable number of horrible people I don't care about

floyd: they need to kill Jamie Lee Curtis already

floyd: and the blonde

floyd: really most of the other group besides the redneck

floyd: weirdly

dn: let's hope.

dn: until next time?

floyd: have a good evening

dn: love you

floyd: real quick:

floyd: costume idea

floyd: Amy Winehouse zombie

floyd: too soon?

floyd: or too late?

dn: uh, too late?

dn: I think you'd just look like a zombie

floyd: but man, what a voice

dn: you'd just look like a gross dead woman

floyd: "She died as she lived"

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 1

2011-10-17T20:43:00.004-05:00

[As promised, Floyd and I are going to chat online every Monday to complain about AMC's "The Walking Dead", a free television show we watch of our own free will.]

dn: Season 2 of The Walking Dead starts, and our heroes are driving a caravan down the Georgia interstate. We learn they're short on gasoline. Why are they short on gasoline? Granted, they have several cars and a huge RV, but it seems there are plenty of cars around to siphon gas from in this post-zombie world.

floyd: yeah, I felt that a lack of fuel was a weak excuse to not turn around and avoid the blocked highway

floyd: also, why did they think the highway wouldn't be blocked?

floyd: it's like Post-Apocalyptic Living 101

floyd: avoid the highway, because it's going to be crammed full of abandoned cars

floyd: or some reason

dn: it is strange there there would be sudden congestion on one short stretch of interstate. do you think there was some kind of Oceans 11-esque pulse bomb the zombies set off to disable everyone's cars?

floyd: without knowing the exact geography it's impossible to tell

floyd: I guess it was because of that overturned trailer

floyd: but why did that overturn?

floyd: that's the thing that's never really explained in zombie lore

dn: I'm dubious. Anyway,

floyd: was the traffic jam swarmed by slow-moving zombies?

floyd: which somehow made a trucker jackknife and overturn?

dn: the group decides to use this opportunity to siphon gas and search for supplies

floyd: sure

floyd: turns out there's plenty of fuel, as you pointed out

floyd: and supplies

dn: Mrs. Grimes has a problem taking things from the cars, saying, "This place is a graveyard."

floyd: but it's a graveyard!

dn: how long after the inital zombie invasion do you think this is?

dn: several months, right?

floyd: two weeks?

floyd: three?

floyd: how long did it take Grimes to find the others?

floyd: you think several months?

floyd: they're still freaking out too much for it to be that quick

dn: I guess we don't exactly know, but wouldn't you say it's time she start thinking in Post-Apocalypic terms by now?

floyd: well, sure, but I mean, for me that switch would have turned on really quickly

floyd: probably right around the first time zombies tried to kill me

floyd: and the abandoned cities and all

floyd: and the legions of corpses

dn: She should have a tougher attitude. Tough enough to do something CRAZY like TAKE FOOD FROM DEAD PEOPLE'S CARS

floyd: right

floyd: she's showing total pre-apocalypse morality

floyd: although to be fair, I don't see the problem with stealing from the dead now, so I can't really relate at all why that would be a problem

dn: yeah, that is kinda your thing

dn: with the necrophilia and all

floyd: Bring back the estate tax! Occupy Zombie Atlanta!

dn: So next...

dn: The lookout does an excellent job of looking out for zombies, because he sees one. It's next to the other hundred that he failed to see.

floyd: that are 50 yards away

floyd: all of a sudden

floyd: he was using binoculars

dn: yes. and Grimes directs everyone to get under the cars

floyd: which seems, at the time, like a terrible idea

floyd: but it almost works

floyd: because zombies can't smell people this season or something

dn: let me talk about some plot holes a moment

dn: in season one, they successfully camouflaged themselves by wearing zombie flesh.

dn: so the zombies couldn't smell their aliveness

dn: now, they can hide their smell by hiding under cars?

floyd: sounds like an Axe commercial

dn: and

dn: two of the group had to act fast because they couldn't get under cars, so they threw corpses over themselves for shields

dn: and that worked? So the zombies can smell you if they can see you, but not if you're hiding under a van?

dn: am I missing something?

floyd: I mean, I guess

dn: shall I move on?

floyd: i mean, I don't know any better

floyd: it's almost as if the zombies behavior is predicated on what will create the most suspenseful scene

dn: it's almost like this WHOLE THING is FAKE!!!

floyd: these zombies are real drama queens

floyd: did you ever consider that maybe it was a trick?

floyd: that the zombies were just pretending not to sense them as they shuffled by

floyd: and then, when the humans were lulled into a false sense of security, the zombies would turn around and slowly shuffle back and eat them?

dn: well, that would be interesting. setting them up for a later ambush

floyd: it would be more interesting than what happened, anyway

dn: so next...

dn: the little girl in the group runs off in the woods to escape some zombies, and the rest of the episode is the group trying to find that girl

dn: and it's terribly dull

floyd: well, let's go back for a second

floyd: the one zombie decides to check out the RV, which must have just reeked of manflesh

floyd: just the one

floyd: the others shuffle past

floyd: but this one is a little more canny

floyd: he smells it, the whiny panicking woman

floyd: so he checks it out

dn: she's hiding in the bathroom, so he decides to open the door, like a zombie does

floyd: but only after she decided to continue trying to reassemble the gun

floyd: and drops a piece on the floor like someone that deserves to die would do

floyd: the zombie hears this

floyd: puts it all together

floyd: "RRRaaaarrrghghg, there's people in there"

floyd: THEN tries to open the flimsy door

floyd: None of the other zombies notice this commotion

dn: no, even with all the screaming

floyd: for some reason

floyd: and, as you pointed out, she proceeds to stab the zombie in the eye socket with her mouth wide open

dn: WIDE OPEN

floyd: despite the spurting, highly contagious zombie blood

floyd: which miraculously misses her mouth and eyes

dn: like she's desperately trying to infect herself with some zombie blood in her orifice

floyd: well, she was suicidal ...

floyd: maybe she ... wanted to be infected?

floyd: TWIST

dn: going back a second, do you think a zombie can easily set up and get in that RV?

floyd: was the door even open?

dn: yes, but I always thought they took the path of least resistance

floyd: God

floyd: ok, let's follow this really quick

floyd: man stands on top of 14 foot RV with binoculars

floyd: doesn't see zombies until they're right fucking on top of everybody

floyd: not even enough time to warn the woman IN THE RV DIRECTLY BELOW HIM

floyd: that there's zombies on the way

floyd: she's caught by surprise

floyd: by these fucking zombies

floyd: ugh

floyd: ok, Christ, moving on

floyd: it's just, would it be that hard to set up the zombie shuffle-by better?

dn: yeah, seems like she could have closed the RV door

floyd: it's just so goddam lazy

dn: the writers just try to think of ways to get close human/zombie proximitiy on camera

floyd: so all the zombies go by except for the two stragglers

floyd: despite the rrrhaarrrging, and the screaming

floyd: remember Dan, it's not about the zombies, it's how these regular people cope with living in a zombie world

dn: bleh

dn: anyway, the girl goes missing, so Grimes and Co. have to search for her

floyd: can we talk about that for just a second?

dn: yup

floyd: this girl gets noticed by zombies

floyd: the mom doesn't make a fucking peep

dn: you think she should have made noise to draw the zombies toward her?

floyd: well, she should have done something if she was going to play guilt trip for the rest of the episode

floyd: on Grimes, the only one with enough balls to actually try to save the child

dn: right, so mistakes were made, and she gets lost in the woods.

floyd: after the least exciting chase scene since ...

dn: Grimes and redneck guy go searching for her, and come across a new zombie, which is shot in the face with a crossbow

dn: they realize he's eaten recently, and decide to cut him open to see if he has little girl in his stomach

dn: they find the remains of a woodchuck. like, the whole skull of a woodchuck. in the zombie stomach.

floyd: is that what it was?

floyd: I didn't see that, I was eating

dn: pretty sure they pulled out bones, a skull specifically, because how else would you know what rodent it was?

floyd: I just took their word for it

dn: this raises a billion questions about zombie digestion, and the zombie's quest for flesh in general

floyd: exactly

dn: if they NEED flesh to eat and survive, why are there so many half-eaten humans lying around?

floyd: and how did that zombie catch a freaking woodchuck?

floyd: I mean, woodchucks aren't as agile as many other rodents

floyd: but they're still hard to catch

floyd: for a living human

dn: Yeah! I don't think zombies can even bend over far enough to pick a dead woodchuck off the ground!

floyd: much less the slow-moving, creaking undead

floyd: those zombies chasing that girl were almost running, though

dn: yeah. not 28 Days Later speed, but ambling kinda fast

floyd: they probably had the agility to bend over

floyd: if the woodchuck was actually dead

floyd: the zombies did eat that horse in the first season

floyd: maybe the woodchuck was injured?

dn: and climbed up the zombie and went to sleep on his shoulder?

floyd: haha

floyd: I just pictured a zombie woodchuck sitting on a zombie shoulder

floyd: the woodchuck was basically the puppet from Caddyshack

floyd: now that's what they should have pulled out of the stomach

dn: haha

floyd: "It's ... it's a hand puppet ..."

floyd: "

floyd: and then the Caddyshack song plays

floyd: "It's alright .... nobody's looking at me"

dn: this show needs more Kenny Loggins

floyd: and then zombie Rodney Dangerfield appears

floyd: STILL GETS NO RESPECT

dn: can we talk about the church?

floyd: haha

floyd: yes

dn: so they hear bells ringing, and find a church in a clearing

dn: your typical rural Georgia church in the clearing of some dense woods

dn: the doors are closed, so they open them and see...

dn: 3 zombies in pews, facing Jesus at the altar

dn: those zombies aren't hungry? Don't wanna get out of that room and explore?

floyd: I think it was a metaphor

dn: for a shitty tv show?

floyd: something like that

floyd: it was meant to make the audience ask the question: Was Jesus the first zombie?

floyd: the answer is no, no he wasn't

floyd: Lazarus was the first zombie

floyd: it's in the Bible

floyd: anyway

dn: the doors weren't barricaded or locked, you know. and those bells were ringing every 10 minutes or so - they should have been drawn to the sound

floyd: it made absolutely no sense

floyd: these zombies follow no code

floyd: question:

floyd: because I can't remember

floyd: have they explained how zombie-ism is spread?

dn: not really, but biting seems like the cause. you'd assume any zombie blood would also infect you

floyd: I mean, would would assume, but we'd also assume that zombies wouldn't just sit in an unlocked church, or eat woodchucks, or shuffle down the highway for no reason

floyd: I'm just saying, we haven't seen anyone turn yet

floyd: and there are corpses just laying around that aren't zombies

floyd: with no apparent head trauma

dn: right. did it not say anything about it in the comic?

floyd: the comic was worse than the show

floyd: and I can't really remember if it did

floyd: I mean, I think it's just going on those assumptions

floyd: but these people don't appear terribly careful around zombie blood

floyd: bashing brains in with rocks with their eyes open, stabbing while screaming, etc.

dn: wearing zombie flesh on their person. anyway, let's move on to the final sequence, where the group splits up and heads back toward their cars

floyd: God this episode was long

floyd: and they split up after TWO desperate pleas to Jesus

dn: Well, when you have a Jesus statue handy, you gotta use it

dn: the guy's not omnipresent, you know

floyd: haha

floyd: how predictable was it that Grimes wasn't religious?

dn: "I'm a Sheriff. I believe in the law."

floyd: tough as nails, that one

dn: "I'm still wearing a badge for some reason."

floyd: a cuckold, but tough as nails

dn: so Grimes, the redneck, and Grimes Jr are walking in the woods and come across a deer.

floyd: so they split up

floyd: smartly taking the child with them

dn: Redneck goes to shoot the deer with his bow

dn: probably because it's bow season and not rifle.

dn: once you down a buck with a bow, Floyd, you never go back to a gun

floyd: they don't want to fire the guns, because it would attract zombies

dn: Grimes stops him from firing

dn: the bow

floyd: because the kid wants to get close to the fully grown deer with a full rack

floyd: terrible parenting

floyd: wait

dn: and because he doesn't want to collect meat for the group from which to live off of

floyd: it's not the redneck

floyd: it's Shane

floyd: with a shotgun

dn: oh sorry

floyd: the redneck went back with the others, for some reason

dn: so they let Grimes Jr walk up to the deer

floyd: so to be fair, shooting a deer with a shotgun is pretty stupid

dn: I don't know why

floyd: because they're both terrible parents

dn: was he going to pet a deer? try to ride it like a horse?

dn: break its neck?

floyd: get gutted by antlers?

floyd: that's what I thought was going to happen

dn: yeah man, When Animals Attack

floyd: wipe that shit-eating grin right off of that dumb kid

floyd: "and that's why you always leave a note"

dn: instead, we hear a rifle shot, and the bullet is fired from somewhere in the distance, goes through the deer and hits Grimes Jr in the stomach

floyd: that is one high-powered rifle and a lucky shot

floyd: or unlucky, I guess, if you didn't want the kid to die

dn: so the end of this episode

dn: I'm not happy with it

floyd: be honest, though: would you have expected the episode to end with anything other than a shameless deus ex machina?

dn: It's going to focus them on healing this kid now

dn: when I want to see them going somewhere cool and doing something cool

floyd: man, are you looking forward to an hour of people acting anguished over a dying child?

floyd: a child with a high-powered rifle bullet in his freaking gut?

dn: it's a disappointing turn

dn: another disappointing turn

floyd: Tony Soprano barely survived a gut shot from a Midnight Special

floyd: this kid, in a sane world, wouldn't stand a chance

floyd: but this isn't a sane world, is it Dan?

dn: it sure isn't

floyd: in a world where 1% of the population controls 50% of its wealth?

dn: until next week?

floyd: sure

dn: see you then

floyd: I'll work on more ways to push Occupy propaganda

floyd: later

dn: good times. bye.

Walking and Talking

2011-10-13T20:57:00.004-05:00

Today I read about a proposed advertising tie-in that Bing proposed to the AMC zombie apocalypse series "The Walking Dead":

“We pitched them last year where maybe the characters could find a library with a generator and do a Bing search,” said Sean Carver, a marketing director at Bing, who acknowledged the scene was a stretch.

I'm surprised they didn't go through with the ad integration, because it couldn't have been any more ridiculous than what they decided to put on TV. The show doesn't make any sense!

Former blogger and friend of Tornado Slide Floyd Masterson agrees. We'll be chatting about the upcoming season 2. We plan to, anyway. It'll probably go a lot like the following email conversation we had at the end of season one, when the band of human survivors sought help from the CDC, only to find the CDC was occupied by one crazy, suicidal scientist. The CDC blew up just before the closing credits. If this isn't making any sense, then I'm correctly describing it.

Floyd, I assume with no cable, you’re not following along with The Walking Dead on AMC? The zombie apocalypse scenario is so absurd, we could chat about it for days.

I actually have cable again since I moved. HBO, too. And yes, I've been watching The Walking Dead. Certainly not a flawless show, and at times a bit annoying, but overall I enjoyed it, and found the finale oddly satisfying. I'll tune in for the next season, at least.

I've actually participated in some discussions of the show on the Phog.net message board, where we all take turns pointing out plot holes and inconsistencies. My biggest problem so far -- why can some zombies climb things? And how did these people know that zombies can smell you? I'd request some empirical evidence before covering myself in zombie innards.

Phog.net: America’s premier source for The Walking Dead plotholes.

This is definitely the worst show that I continue to watch. I guess it’s 6-episode season really worked in its favor, because any more of this nonsense and I’d probably quit, Lost-style.

It’s easy to say “Yeah, there are a few plotholes, but there are zombies and guns, so…” But these plotholes are really big! Like, if you and I decided to write a show I’d expect these sort of script problems, but this is made by professionals! And they even had graphic novels to read first, and discover potential problems, and correct them!

Building on the point you make about how zombies detect non-zombies – this was a fact that the survivors seemed to agree on, as if this became common knowledge in the days since the outbreak began. So it would seem that the zombie takeover was not instantaneous, a fact supported by all the military chesspieces we see moved around the greater Atlanta area. Then, in the finale episode, the survivors seem SHOCKED by Dr. Jenner’s admission that zombies are on every continent, and that they are causing real problems everywhere, and there may be little hope.

Remember the guy they handcuffed to the roof in the hot Atlanta sun? (On the day before someone at the campsite was complaining about the cold night, and wanted to build a bigger fire? UGH!) They chained the stairwell shut so he wouldn’t get eaten. So after he manages to escape the handcuffs, he’s still trapped on the roof, right? No. He walks 20 yards to some other roof access door thing. That the zombies never discovered? UGH!

I actually read the first graphic novel a few months ago, just to see if it lived up to the hype. I was underwhelmed by the writing and dialogue, which seemed like a zombie story written by somebody who wasn't at all familiar with the genre. It was so derivative and yet not at all a Tarantino-esque homage that I found myself a bit confused by its existence. It make elementary mistakes, like some of the stuff you've noticed. In fact, perhaps it's because I've actually found the show to be an improvement from the graphic novel that I'm not more disappointed with the plot holes and irrational behavior of some of the characters.

Have you read World War Z? That's some quality, well-thought-out zombie fiction.

I still think my biggest problem with the show so far was when the zombie was hitting the window with a rock, and then when the one was able to climb over the fence. And the show needs a goddam anti-hero, someone to cut through all the emotional BS and make some real, rational decisions on how to proceed. Wannabe rapist Shane isn't cutting it.

Don't compare the show to Lost yet. Let's let Walking Dead fans start treating it like the most clever thing ever and a freaking religion before we compare it to the cultish atrocity that was Lost.

Videogum just posted its finale recap, and I remembered a few more horrible points:

1.> Jenner decided to get drunk after his experiment was ruining, and kill himself the next day. Then the gang showed up, so we think, “Oh now he has new hope, he won’t kill himself.” Then we learn that he knew they were going to run out of power in 24 hours anyway, causing the building to explode. He was going to kill himself, like, a half-day before being incinerated?

2.> Blood tests! As Gabe puts it: “someone asked him what the point was since anyone who was infected would be running a fever anyway, and he said that he’d already “broken every rule in the book just letting you in here.” Haha. Relax. Pretty sure that book is OUT OF DATE and that no one will be printing an updated, more relevant edition.”

The Lymphoma We Come Across, The Mo Problems We See

2011-09-27T20:48:00.002-05:00

I thought I would be writing more. I spend a lot of time on the computer but it hasn't been happening. So I'll abandon any dreams of well-crafted essays and cheat with word vignettes.

* * *

I get chemo on Mondays and take the rest of the week off. I don't have to.

I feel okay for the most part during that week. On Tuesday, I'm pretty tired. I feel like I worked out a lot the previous day - muscles are a bit slow and achy. The rest of the week, I'm less tired, but might take a short nap in the afternoon. So I could definitely work some hours. But there is a staunch anti work from home policy, it seems, so I'd have to drive over there. And it doesn't feel great to drive. And then there's the matter of not caring enough. Am I going to look back on this cancer experience and think, "I wish I'd have worked more?" A hero might, but I won't.

The Monday I return to work, I probably feel worse than I did the previous five days. I stop taking high doses of Prednisone, a steroid, on Saturday, and they say you go through a Red-Bull-like "crash" when you go off the steriods. So I usually work until three or so that Monday and Tuesday, drive home, hit the couch and don't get up for the rest of the night.

Then I'm kinda back to kinda normal until the next chemo treatment.

* * *

I have large diffuse B-cell lymphoma. I don't really worry about my lymphoma that much. I donated forty bucks at Anastasia's Leukemia and Lymphoma Society fundraiser at the Granfaloon six years ago, so I should be all set.

* * *

Chemo has been fine. I show up to the hospital, sit in a recliner, and watch TV and DVDs for the five hours or so it takes to drip the drugs through my IV.

I have not had any nausea. I have not vomited a single time. But, probably because of the largest tumor's proximity to the sciatic nerve that runs down my right leg, I've been having pain in my tailbone and that leg.

Sunday I was on the couch watching football, and I was mad because the game was boring and that score/commercial/kickoff & touchback/commercial combo is real shitstorm, and I was uncomfortable sitting, and uncomfortable laying down, and earlier in the day it hurt walking around the grocery store. My toes had been spasming - as you saw in the previous post - and now it's my calf muscles spasming, and somehow it's making the ball of my foot very tender and I shuffle around like I have a sprained ankle.

So it's hurt to sit, stand, walk, and lay down. Sleeping is complicated.

And in the scheme of cancer symptoms, that is next to nothing. But I am frustrated, even if the doctors think it will work itself out.

* * *

I was prescribed valium for the muscle spasms but they didn't work. Speaking of drugs that didn't work and that you could purchase from me for a very reasonable price...

Before treatment, I had some rough insomnia. Looking back, I can't believe those nights. How can you not get to sleep, and then it's the afternoon, and you still couldn't sleep if you wanted to? What IS THAT?!

I would be on the couch, with the TV on. That served two purposes: entertainment and time measurement. If I did happen to pass out for a bit, the TV could tell me how long I was out.

There is very poor programming on late at night. One night I watched a "CSI" where models were being killed by paint cans. Or something? And I fell asleep for about 15 minutes at the end. So I don't know who the Paint Can Prowler was.

I watched an entire episode of "The Dukes of Hazzard". I'm told it was my favorite show as a kid. I'll say this: the actors playing Boss Hogg and Sheriff Rosco were fucking COMMITTED. The effort they put into a scene involving a malfunctioning popcorn machine was nothing short of heroic. The episode was about mail fraud. Boss Hogg put an ad in a paper promising lots of land in a nonexistent part of Hazzard County. People mailed him a check. A sexy female postal inspector came to investigate, and the Duke boys wanted to bone her. She found evidence of the fraud that pointed to the elderly lady that ran the post office - she delivered the mail around the county on a fast motorcycle. Motorcylin' Granny! Comical. But the evidence was planted by Rosco, and the Dukes had to hide Granny while they convinced sexy inspector that Hogg was to blame. Granny really wanted to bone down on Uncle Jesse, much to his dismay. There were about three car chases.

I was really disappointed in the History Channel during my insomnia. I feel like they should be airing stock footage of blenders being manufactured during the wee hours, so some other Modern Marvel.

I was prescribed Ambien. I was told by those who had taken it before to get completely ready for bed, swallow the pill, and immediately jump in bed before I'm rendered unconscious. I did. I lay perfectly still, and started to feel the drug go to work. I felt like it was dragging my brain down. Down down down. Down toward sleepyland. Still moving down. Still have the feeling of my brain being pulled into the sleep abyss. Still trying not to move. still waiting to be unconscious. How long have I been being pulled down? I don't feel that pulled anymore. If I open my eyes it means the drug won't work and I'm screwed. But I have to move my body now it's been like this forever. Whoops, it's been an hour. I feel normal again. Very awake. Goddamnit.

The doctor said we could try Lunesta - it worked a little differently so maybe it would do the trick. The same thing happened. Bonus: it's not a generic drug yet, so Kim got to pay $100 or so at the pharmacy.

I've been asking around and I haven't found anyone else who has defeated Ambien and/or Lunesta.

* * *

Aside from one really good cry, not many tears. I did have several start-to-tear-up moments that did not materialize to full crying. Those episodes were triggered by:

The Jayhawks - "Smile"
Frightened Rabbit - "Foot Shooter"
The New Pornographers - "Go Places"
Benji Hughes - "Country Love"
The Antlers - "Putting the Dog to Sleep"
The opening minute of the Pod F. Tompkast (as previously documented)
The performances of Christian Bale and Mark Wahlberg in "The Fighter"
Johnny Giavotella's family's reaction to his first major league home run
The "How I Met Your Mother" episode where they attend Marshall's dad's funeral

* * *

Chemo can cause peripheral neuropathy, or numbness in fingers and toes. Currently I have slight numbness in my fingers. I don't notice it much, but two days ago I was opening a bottle of medicine and got the lid off no prob but I couldn't pull the paper safety film thingy off. "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be one hundred years old," I thought.

* * *

I was mailed approximately forty cards in the few weeks the word got out about the cancer. My coworkers cooked me food and delivered it to my house, and some of them pooled some money and bought me an iPad. They bought me an iPad for my cancer. This gift was roughly four times as expensive as what the same group contributed for my wedding present. I took it back and used the cash to purchase most of my new Panasonic Viera plasma HD television.

People have been super nice to me, and looking back I try to remember when I did similar nice things, but I think I've just been the guy that calls people and talks to them.

* * *

When I'm crashing from the steroids, sometimes I notice I can't speak as quickly as usual. I'll be thinking of a word, and find it, and the process to move it from brain to mouth takes twice as long as usual. There's something called "chemo brain" that people talk about and maybe this is what it feels like. I hate it. I always thought that I would hate living somewhere I had to speak a foreign language, because even if I learned to speak that language I fear I wouldn't learn to be quick and witty in that tongue.

* * *

You would think that losing your hair would make it easier to pull the glasses off your head, but no. The bare scalp has more friction than hair. Lame.

* * *

For the past four weeks or so the only way to sleep well is on my couch, on my right side so there is pressure on my right leg and foot to keep them from tingling or spasming too much. I like my couch - sometimes I'd sleep on it for funsizies back in my single years - but it is a big official bummer to say goodnight to my wife and walk away from our bed and down the stairs to the couch.

And while I'm no longer having insomnia, I'm not getting great sleep. I get a solid seven hours, I think. I can't remember the last time I slept in. I'm really looking forward to staying unconscious for an obscene amount of hours someday soon.

* * *

I was looking forward to this "50/50" movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets cancer and pals around with Seth Rogen, but then I got cancer and now I don't have hair and now I don't want to be the cancer guy watching the cancer movie. "Hey look this subject matter speaks to that hairless man," theatergoers would think and probably say out loud during the entire running time of the feature film.

Toe Talk

2011-08-28T18:27:00.004-05:00

Try to wiggle your fourth toe and ONLY your fourth toe. Can't do it?

I think I can pinpoint the problem - your right calf muscles haven't been twitching for the last several days, and the involuntary spasms aren't somehow causing your fourth toe to curl.

It hurts, but not a lot. Very annoying, though, especially around bedtime. Typical lymphoma stuff. I guess?

(Incidentally, if anyone CAN wiggle their fourth toe by itself, I am VERY impressed.)

Hair Ye Hair Ye

2011-08-19T12:24:00.002-05:00

Almost everyone loses their hair due to chemotherapy. Uh, of those people who receive chemotherapy. Good first sentence. Great start. All-Star form right off the bat.

So, duh. You've seen a movie before, and you know that people lose their hair when they are given drugs that disrupt rapidly growing cells. You might be surprised about what order your hair disappears - why is my ear hair holding on strong, but my nose hair not so much? Why do I even have ear hair? Is that the grossest hair I have, or is it the little strands the grow up through the two moles on my right shoulder? Do you love reading my blog?

When the lady at the hospital went over our "Welcome to Cancer" booklet or whatever, the subject of hair came up and she asked if I was concerned about losing every bit of hair on my body. It was an easy "No". I've got bigger things to worry about, yeah? But I'll admit some disappointment when it started to leave my scalp, primarily because of the WAY it fell off. It lost its will to stay anchored. When watch yourself in the mirror, easily removing chunks of your hair from your head, you feel pretty strange, because that's not what hair is supposed to do. I wondered if it was a Samson-type thing, a virility thing, but I think I figured out why it makes you feel so weak. It's because you look like Steve Guttenberg's character in "The Day After"

(Watch the scene - filmed in Allen Fieldhouse!)

Of course you're going to feel discouraged if you remind yourself of Steve Guttenberg! I mean, the man is a star and a legend, but his Icarus-like journey can be too much to contemplate. You've got to re-frame the situation. The Mom approach is to show you've been here before.

After a brief flirtation with Captain Jean Luc Picard, I decided to adopt a more modern and real role model for this hair phase. With thanks to Shawn's photoshop skills, I fear that I am ordinary, JUST LIKE EVERYONE:

Very Chairy

2011-08-09T20:40:00.005-05:00

Remember how new and classy my new office looked?

Well, when you need a very cushioned surface before you can comfortable sit in a typing posture, your room looks a bit less classy.

The chair of unknown age and origin is on loan from my next-door coworker. "Please take it so people will stop hanging out in my office," she said. She's fun. (She really is.) I brought the beige pillow in from home, and yes, I was daring anyone I passed on the way to the second floor to make fun of the guy carrying the large cushion to his office.

This isn't really new to me, but now that I have such an excellent excuse to walk slowly in the hallway or take use the elevator to move one floor, I'm on edge about possible challenges from strangers.

"Feelin' lazy today, huh?"
"Yeah, I took the stairs earlier today but the chemotherapy makes me tired."

You know. My mind is cluttered with possible retorts. Let's hope I get to use a few.

Worst Bucket List

2011-07-27T07:44:00.002-05:00

I had the idea to make the world's lamest Bucket List after I saw a commercial for Keno. I enlisted Shawn's help and here's what we've got so far:

1. Learn to play Keno
2. Learn to polka
3. Read the novelizations of the "Back to the Future" films
4. Write a comprehensive history of German comedy
5. Try every fountain drink offered at Quik Trip
6. Sail across Lake Huron
7. See the Blue Man Group
8. Pet a horse
9. Read a Danielle Steele novel
10. Learn to speak Welsh
11. Get a tramp stamp

Love Buzz

2011-07-24T23:16:00.002-05:00

Today Kim buzzed my hair, and I shaved my biopsy beard. We documented the whole thing, of course.

gif from picasion.com

My captions are as follows:

1. Let's do this!
2. I have too much hair.
3. I have too much beard.
4. When I'm not stealing meth, I'm wrenching with my dirtbike.
5. Where did I put the fourth graders' dodgeballs?
6. Last time I rocked this cut I played tee ball and drank Shasta.

Back From The Honeymoon

2011-07-24T13:00:00.003-05:00

I started writing again on Thursday, July 7, but I ran out of steam before anything was posted online:

Man, it's been a while. Been busy, dudes. Been pretty busy. Went to Ireland. And Northern Ireland. Annoying that you have to specify both, but that's imperfect post-WWI treaties with the British, I guess.

I've also been busy being sick. Sick? Injured. Pained. On May 10, I sat through a four-hour meeting at work. Afterward, my hindquarters felt sore. (HAHAHAHA GAY!) That's not an unusual feeling for me (HAHAHA COULD YOU BE ANY GAYER GAYWAD??), as my haunches are tiny and poorly padded -- I was never very comfortable when sitting for long periods, so some pain was not out of the ordinary.

That night, my back hurt badly enough that I skipped my weekly basketball game (WITH ALL DUDES, HANGING OUT WITH SWEATY DUDES AND BALLS YOU'RE A TOTAL GAY!). The pain subsided, then migrated down to some upper leg muscles, then felt better a few days, then the reset button was punched and more back pain was followed by more leg and tailbone pain. On Sunday I'll celebrate two months of chronic pain! (During this time there have been many visits to physical therapy, where I am consistently surprised and saddened to think about the vast number of people coping with constant pain in the world.)

(Can you do two consecutive parenthetical expressions? Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway! I actually played basketball the week after I'd bowed out, and we only had enough personnel for 2 on 2. My right leg hurt, particularly when I would bend my knees during the first motions of a jump shot, but the muscles warmed up enough for me to play normally. Normally? Spectacularly! I never lost a game, and in the final game I scored 18 of my team's 20 points. The final shot was a dn staple, driving right toward the top of the lane, then spinning clockwise on my left leg before rising, floating (in the sense that a white 31-year-old with limited physical prowess "floats"), and releasing a perfect mid-range jumper. The pessimist in me thinks of this as a decent end to my underwhelming but highly enjoyable basketball career.)

So. The grim specter (specters are ALWAYS grim) of nerve pain has seasoned my past few months, which happens to include my honeymoon journey. I will be writing about the fun and interesting aspects of the journey soon. For the moment, though, please let me show you my map of pain.

[stopped writing for the day]

* * *

On Friday, July 8, I had a CT scan first thing in the morning. Before I had made it home with my three Muncher's Bakery self-pity donuts, my doctor's office was calling to schedule another appointment. The nurse wanted me to come by in a few hours to discuss the scan results. Since my everything still hurt when I drove, Kim agreed to take me.

* * *

We started the puzzle that weekend, as a way to pass the time until Monday's biopsy. I activated my mp3 player to start the live recording of The Pod F. Tompkast.

"It's nighttime on the internet...
...a graffiti artist suspects an E-Harmony profile of deceit...
...a 2,000 year-old vampire views her Netflix queue with disgust...
...a raccoon Googles 'raccoons'."

Kim was above the puzzle at that moment, and I was walking to the sink to fetch a glass of water. "Raccoons" had barely emitted from the speakers when I began to well up. I'll never understand why. It just seemed like a perfect joke - maybe my mind raced ahead to consider how much additional perfect humor I could miss out on.

I calmed myself and took a drink.

* * *

The biopsy results took a long time, and we were finally told the lymphoma was malignant, as we'd expected. It was several more days before we could meet with an oncologist, who assured us the scenario was far from worst-case, and that chemotherapy should treat it sufficiently. There was a heart test, a PET scan, blood tests, a bone marrow biopsy - every time we walked into the hospital they found another reason to perform another test. The final summary:

Large (~10 cm) mass in right presacral space, pushing against muscle and the sciatic nerve.

Smaller masses nearby, all below the diaphragm, all of which can be managed simultaneously without extra treatment.

Up to 6 rounds of chemotherapy, starting Monday, July 25.

* * *

When I was a kid, I would fantasize about having cancer. It wasn't because I needed an in with the Make-a-Wish racket - I wanted to be an inspiring, famous person that courageously beat the odds. It was weird, especially considering that person already existed. His name was Sterling, he overcame brain cancer, and he was in the class above me. We played summer baseball together.

I never liked the analogy of cancer management as a "battle". Fighting is reserved for an odd assortment of diseases, and if you've got diabetes or malaria you're somehow not a soldier, just a participant. I don't feel like I'm in a battle with cancer, which is great, because I've always considered myself too much of a realist to fill the shoes of a brave soldier. Fight or flight? If given an option, I'd apologize to cancer, sign a treaty, and retreat back to safe territory. I am intimidated.

But there is no option. A month ago Kim and I were exploring Ireland. Monday they try to shrink my tumor. Life is overwhelming and impressive even when it's threatening.

Phoney

2011-06-09T20:57:00.003-05:00

Old phone, purchased 2006:

We had some good times, old friend. You were tiny, and that was nice. But other than having a small impact on my pocket, you're kind of junk now. Still, stand proud, buddy. Your battery is still quite good, and there isn't a scratch on you! You've earned your retirement. Have fun polluting some river in China.

I'm part of a Sprint family now. New phone, received for birthday 2011:

You Stayed Classy

2011-06-05T20:41:00.002-05:00

In contrast, here's what adorns the walls of a classy restroom.

(As photographed at my barber shop.)

You Stay Classy

2011-05-31T19:55:00.004-05:00

We were at a rural Illinois winery this weekend for a wedding. This photograph hung above the urinals. (Click to enlarge.)

Prints are only $20? That's great news, because I have a lot of empty wall space in my VOMITORIUM.

The only thing more gross than this "art" is my imagining of the "artist".

2010-2011 Winter Recap - Netflix

2011-05-25T21:11:00.003-05:00

You guys, I have not read a single book since the calendar turned. But at least I've watched a bunch of shit on my TV and through my Netflix account! Here are those items, in reverse chronological order, not including movies covered in my 2010 motion picture recaps (1) (2).

Quick Change

Bill Murray robs a bank while dressed as a clown? How did this exist beyond my awareness? Funny throughout, with supporting roles by then-famous Geena Davis then-sane Randy Quaid. Small roles filled by greats like Tony Shaloub, Phil Hartman, and Kurtwood Smith.

The Kid Stays in the Picture

If you hear Patton Oswalt's impression of 1970's movie producer extraordinaire Robert Evans, you're kind of obligated to watch this. It's okay. Evans' narration is most certainly the selling point.

Cool Hand Luke

Finally, nearly 20 years after first enjoying Guns 'N Roses "Civil War", I watched the origin of its sampled dialogue! This was one of those movie experiences where lots of other things make more sense, from the GNR song (well, not really) to the great Stella episode where the guys call their farm supervisors "Boss", just like Paul Newman and company.

It's Kind of a Funny Story

Pretty much what you'd think it is. Fine.

The Night of the Hunter

I rented this because it's the movie that originated the much repeated idea of a convict labeling his knuckles with "LOVE" and "HATE". Not bad, not great. I guess you could say I didn't LOVE or HATE it. Get it?

Inside Job

Won the Oscar for Best Documentary, although Exit Through The Gift Shop was clearly better. This kept economics interesting, I suppose, but I can't forgive it for playing Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" in its entirety over the opening credits. God I hate that song.

GasLand

Recommended if you want to get depressed about the process of fracturing underground shale to produce natural gas. But you only need to watch the first hour - it starts to repeat itself, and the ending isn't current anymore. You can read the latest fracturing news from Pennsylvania with the time you save.

TiMER

An Instant Watch movie recommended by some friends. Low budget, but not embarrassingly so. It's breezy with a sci-fi twist. Not a lot of breezy sci-fi out there, yeah? Recommended for the ladies. Caution, gentlemen: romance ahead!

Never Let Me Go

Based on the book I read, the book Time Magazine called the finest of its decade. Kim had not read the book, and the movie made her cry. Would she recommend it? She would. She just said so just now, after I prompted her. I would too. It's got Keira Knightly, Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, AND it's directed by the same guy who gave us the music video for Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" - you remember, the one with the crucified monkey and the hog's head rotating on a spike?

Animal Kingdom

Meh. It was Australian, I guess? I'm having a hard time remembering the plot, which is a bad sign for a movie I saw a few months ago.

Ken Burns' America: Thomas Hart Benton

Benton's my favorite muralist. His old home is now a museum in Kansas City and I keep meaning to go someday. This show taught me pretty much everything I'd learn at the museum, though, right? I should probably just stay home and look at junk on my laptop instead.

The Amish: People of Preservation

I had to spend some time among the Amish a few months ago - did I tell you that? No? I spent a lot of time thinking about their hats. Of all the hats in the world to choose from, this group picked a real stinker! An especially bad decision, since they're stuck with it and can't go out and buy a cowboy hat or a floppy beach hat instead. Right. So this was available on Instant Watch and I had it on while I did some work around the house. It focused on the Pennsylvania Amish, and maybe isn't as recommended as the occasional Amish-related docs you can find on the National Geographic Channel (which I also watched around this time).

Cyrus

I can't recommend this beyond those who worship with me at John C Reilly's altar.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work

A documentary about one comedian. I was curious to know where the hell she came from, how she got popular enough to be a serious candidate for "The Tonight Show". This pretty much answered those questions. Solid.

I Am Comic

A documentary about comedians, a very broad topic covered broadly here. Very interesting in parts and tedious in others.

The Other Guys

Should have been better? Right?

The Ricky Gervais Show: Season 1

Podcasts on TV! A dumb idea that works fine in this instance but probably shouldn't start a trend.

Watchmen

Who watches the watchmen a year and a half after it's released? Me! From the perspective of a male who doesn't read graphic novels, I liked it. Rorshach's character was kind of silly to me, but the film looked amazing and Malin Akerman didn't look too bad either if you know what I mean of course you do I just wrote it explicitly.

Bored to Death: Season 1

I love noir detective stuff so much, but I was prepared to be disappointed by this HBO series. Thankfully (and in hindsight, obviously), Ted Danson + Zack Galafanakis + Jason Schwartzman = great. Not so great that I finally order HBO, but great enough to make me wish I wasn't so cheap about ordering HBO.

The Third Man

I think so highly of this masterpiece I introduced it to the lady of my life. But don't take my word for it. Take John Hodgman's podcast words for it.

The Wrong Guy

Newsradio's Dave Foley wrote and starred in this spoof of Hitchcock-style "wrongly accused man" stories. Plenty of hilarious dialogue more than makes up for the presence of Jennifer Tilly. Highly recommended.

Laura

If you type "IMDB Laura" into Google, this is the first result, because it's a top-rate noir mystery! The second result is "That 70's Show" alum Laura Prepon, beating out Laura Linney in a stunning upset. Laura Dern is predictably an also-ran. Anyway, check out this movie and see how ordinary Vincent Price looked before he entered the creepy mustache phase of his career.

The Conversation

Gene Hackman and Fredo are hired to spy on a CONVERSATION. Intrigue ensues. Very slowly. The ending is worth the wait.

Goin' Phrasey

2011-05-17T23:22:00.003-05:00

A long time ago I typed a pun into my phone, and saved it there. I hoped the idea would incubate into something hilarious, but it's been years now and the yield is nothing.

I find it curious that Google showed ZERO results for the phrase, so I am at least pleased to claim it as my original idea for perpetuity:

"Write what ewe know."

Baa baa people confuse me with goats and shear my wool for textiles. One of us was a clone. Mutton.

See? There's nowhere to go with this. But it's mine!

An Office And A Gentleman And Another Gentleman

2011-05-10T23:31:00.003-05:00

I failed to mention one amazing/terrible thing about my new digs.

Some mornings I don't hear a bird's peaceful chirping. Instead, I hear the shouting of The Downtown Dancer, who must live across the street from my building. His antics also inspire honking from passing vehicles.

Here's the link you just didn't click on:

Q&A With The Downtown Dancer

Topekan dances to shed light on Jesus, troops

You probably have seen him in downtown Topeka, on S.W. Wanamaker Road and at S.W. 29th Street dancing with one of his many lamps. Sometimes he gets funny glances, and at other times, he chats with passers-by.

On Thursday, The Topeka Capital-Journal caught up with this dancer at S.E. 6th and Quincy. Dressed in blue-jean shorts, a red shirt, bright-white tennis shoes, black gloves and with a fanny pack around his waist, he danced and held a small light. He waved and smiled as people drove by and honked. But he never lost his rhythm.

His name is Rickie Hite. The 50-year-old said he dances to raise awareness.

So, Rickie, where do you live?

"I stay here in Topeka. I'm from Merriam, Kansas. The Lord led me here."

I've seen you out here rain and shine, hot and cold. What are you doing with the lamp?

"Holding up the light for Jesus. We can all love one another. I'm holding up the light for our troops, for our judicial system, too."

And why do you dance?

"I go on the spur of the moment with the Lord. I've been doing this for three years. The spirit of the Lord moves me."

How many lamps do you have?

"I own 12 of them. I get some from the thrift stores. I buy them, or they let me borrow them. My favorite is the one with the American flag. I dance for the soldiers. To me, there is no greater dance than what they are doing for us."

What type of music do you usually listen to while you're dancing?

"I listen to country a lot. Right now, I'm listening to 'I Love a Rainy Night.' I listen to a little bit of everything."

Do you just dance downtown?

"No I dance all over the city. I dance here. I dance at other places downtown. I dance over on 29th."

How long do you usually dance?

"Sometimes I dance for five hours. I really don't need a gym. It's a great workout."

You've became somewhat of an icon in Topeka. You're on several YouTube videos and are mentioned on the Internet?

"That's what people have told me. I don't have a computer, so I've never looked. I'm just out here dancing."

At the end of the interview, he shook our hands, placed his headphones back on his ears, plugged into his hand-held CD player and began dancing again. He mouthed the words to one of the songs playing in his ears and thrust his lamp into the air. A car passed and honked.

He smiled, waved in acknowledgement and kept on dancing.

An Office And A Gentleman

2011-05-08T20:39:00.006-05:00

It's been just over two years since Cara's favorite post. Let's update!

You know how you read about workspaces at leading tech companies, and it's all nap-pods and ping-pong facilities? I don't work at a place like that.

The whole building looks like this, with sepia-tinted cubicle walls bordered by offices. The cubicles you see in this picture have been empty for the past four months or so, due to a hiring freeze. Which is good for me, because that open door in the background is my office, surrounded by the quiet.

As I mentioned earlier, I chose the furniture. And I chose that cork board, which was ordered from a different supplier, but matches the cherry finish pretty closely! I didn't use a mousepad in my cubicle, but now that I have a new veneer finish to look after, the mouse rests on a thin book. See also: coasters under the mug. The window means I never, ever turn the fluorescent overhead lights on, even when a storm blocks all the sunlight. The window blind is broken, and won't stay raised on its own. I stuck a 3M adhesive hook upside down so I could secure the cord. I also tied a lanyard to the blind cord to make it longer, so I could actually reach it when the blinds are down without standing on a chair. Speaking of chairs, that office chair used to have arms, which would hit the desk when I wheeled up close to type. I brought an Allan wrench from home and removed them - now they're in a box behind my door.

Those are some guest chairs, also without arms, this time by design. Now that I work in a box with real walls and no workers nearby beyond those walls, I listen to music through computer speakers instead of my beloved Grado headphones. I can't believe how loud I'm allowed to play music. I keep asking coworkers if I need to turn down the mp3s but they say they don't hear it. I should bring in a subwoofer.

Guys, having a window is so much better than having no window, even if your window hasn't been cleaned since the building was assembled, and even if your view is just low-income housing. ENHANCE:

That guy in the overalls is out there most of the time. He loves the outdoors, and he loves to smoke. And eat, I'd guess. The view does include a few trees, at least. Some mornings, when I'm enjoying the quiet that only a horrible economy and late-running coworkers can provide, I can hear birds singing in those trees below my window! The other week there was a cardinal down there, chirpin' away.

Dream Baby

2011-04-29T22:26:00.004-05:00

Last night I experienced a vivid dream wherein I held my tiny child and felt a very real, very strong emotional bond with him or her.

Looking back, I definitely should not have been transporting the infant in a plastic orange jack-o-lantern.

Text Rodeo

2011-04-26T22:51:00.003-05:00

Catching up on text messages in the past few weeks:

April 13, 8:36 p.m.

MATT: Do you like being married or is it pretty gay?

ME: It's fun in kind of a gay way

March 31, 7:59 p.m.

ME: How bad is the rioting after the Shockers NIT Championship?

PAT: The worst in Wichita history. I'll be right in front throwing cinder blocks at cars and lighting trash cans on fire. We know how to celebrate a big win.

ME: Burn down a Spangles for me.

PAT: I'd burn a Spangles even if they didn't win.

No Bologna? No.

2011-04-24T17:17:00.002-05:00

I had to search the archives to make sure I hadn't told you this before. Sure enough, I only have one solid bologna-related story in the written past.

I've mostly converted to peanut butter and jelly for a packed lunch, but every one or two years I crave bologna. I've come to enjoy them as such: soft wheat bread (not the better-for-you fiber-filled stuff), a small amount of Miracle Whip, one or two slices of light bologna (which seems to be healthier than turkey bologna). American cheese optional. Then, insert a white corn tortilla chip into the sandwich prior to taking the corresponding bite. Salty! Crunchy! Bologna!

In other sandwich news, the 'Book indicates Jack Serpentine ate this today.

It's A Nice Day For A Nice Wedding - Part Two

2011-04-17T16:45:00.004-05:00

After the ceremony a checklist appeared in my brain. Family photos. Trolley ride to next location. Wedding Party photos. Ride to next location. Entrance to reception. Dinner. Cake cutting. First dancing. Until we made it to dinner, I felt more stressed than I should have. I was riding around on a trolley full of great friends and alcohol, and yet I had a worry in the world? Gav started a "USA! USA!" chant while we were piloted through the Plaza, and I was up in my head? Not a great job by me.

Dinner was good. I wasn't too hungry but I was anxious to shove as much food as I could into my gullet so I could start drinking in earnest - I'd only had water and a shot of Tuaca on the trolley. It was more than an hour after dinner before I had a real drink, and my total for the night was one mere Jack and Coke followed by a few cans of Miller Lite.

Is this boring? Probably. All this text is just an excuse to get to this part:

When my lady and I were trying to decide what song to use for our first dance, I had one or two in mind. During the second New Pornographers concert we attended together, I waited until "Go Places" was played, suggested we use it, and she agreed. Knowing it was a 3/4 waltz beat, we assumed we could learn a waltz step for it, which we eventually did, five days before performing it, by looking at two YouTube videos and practicing for 30 minutes in our living room.

When we began to dance, Kim asked if I'd looked at my ring yet. Of course I'd had no time or mental capacity to do that, as she assumed, so it was during our first dance that she let me know she'd had it engraved with lyrics from the song: "Stay with me, go places ... Kim".

(Thanks to Bag's fancy camera and time for the photo.)

It was a great surprise, and well worth having that song stuck in my head for the following four days.

Then other reception stuff happened, then the reception was over, then we had a nice late breakfast the following morning, then we open some presents, then we drove home and that's where we live, together.

It's A Nice Day For A Nice Wedding - Part One

2011-04-11T21:31:00.008-05:00

If I document my time in downtown Buffalo, I should probably write down some thoughts on my wedding weekend.

I waited until Rams and Alipete arrived at our Lawrence home before heading off to the big city to meet my dad - a decision I immediately regretted when Rams entered the house singing "Going to the Chapel". I shushed her, said my goodbyes, and left.

MEAL #1

This was the first of many difficult food and drink decisions made during the weekend. In all cases, I needed to choose a food with very low risk for causing indigestion, sluggishness, or other maladies. In this case, I also needed just enough food to last me until the huge rehearsal dinner. Two blueberry pancakes at First Watch in Corporate Woods, Overland Park. Pops had the same.

We then drove around a bit, stopping at Liberty Memorial to spend an hour looking at very old cannons, rifles, and sidearms. After dropping him at his hotel, I checked in at the Aladdin and schlepped all the luggage to the 15th floor. Floyd was given the suite room key while the groomsmen drove to the church to rehearse; he ordered a turkey sandwich from room service.

Nothing interesting happened at the rehearsal.

First Fridays complicated the parking situation at Lydia's, but eventually everyone made it to the upstairs loft for dinner, and eventually the staff figured out they needed a few extra chairs to seat us all. I gave an unplanned welcome speech - something about it being "Suspiciously easy" to integrate into Kim's family and "You all mean a lot to us" and "Please accept this pasta and fish as thanks".

MEAL #2

Ceasar Salad
Fettucine with Broccoli in Garlic Olive Oil
Grilled Salmon
Bracialone (rolled pork shoulder stuffed with golden raisins, prosciutto, and Montasio cheese, braised in tomato sauce)
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Green Beans
Tiramisu

I had a glass of wine with dinner, and an unexpected drink of Tuaca after the meal, but was too concerned about ramifications to drink more, even as friends began to stop by the loft.

I got to bed around 12:30. I slept until 4:30, when I noticed my phone was chirping a text message notification. I had a hard time determining if I was really awake or if I was dreaming, and I asked myself that question at least three times before getting back to sleep.

MEAL #3

Serpentine, Nathan, Matt, Camille and I walked to the nearby Hotel Phillips for breakfast. Service was slow, but eventually my safe, non-buffet choice arrived - an omelette with bacon, onions, and peppers alongside fried potatoes.

Then came the annoyingly prolonged gap between breakfast and leaving for the church - about two and a half hours to sit in my room and wonder if I should put on my pants now? Or wait a couple more minutes? Save the tie for later I guess? I passed out the world least thrilling, most John Olerud-esque groomsmen gifts of all time. For the tornado alley dwellers: weather radios! For the coastal residents: solar/crank-powered radios! I don't know. The idea began as a survival kit for the coming end of days, but quickly deteriorated when I noticed many kit items (knives, fire starters) would be frowned upon by the TSA. This time was also used to present me with a trophy. The tradition of buying the groom a small, pathetic trophy cup with "Congratulations on your first marriage" engraved on the name plate began with Nathan's wedding. I cannot explain why. And similarly, who knows what possesses us to continue. Fun, I guess? It's pretty fun.

At the church, we sat around in a spare room with a TV, catching the end of the Royals win and a bit of "Timecop", greeting a few family and friends as they wandered by. I knotted my tie at an acceptable length on the first try, and dared not to improve upon it.

My anxiety was fine until I stood next to the pastor, preparing to make our entrance. Although I did pay close attention during the rehearsal, I had to specifically ask him if I was walking up there NOW, or if he was going in to do something first.

So, there I stood at the front of the church.

I get anxious before most anything. A few weeks ago, I prepared for a fantasy draft in a cold sweat. My heart races before scholar's bowl matches, pickup basketball games, unintimidating public speaking events...

So, at the front of the church, my breathing was good, my heart hate was up, and my face was twitching. That was a new and unwelcome symptom of anxiety for me. The muscle spasms stopped after the bride was next to me.

Hey - is it just me, or when you're standing in front of a crowd do you not really look at any faces, just the blur of humanity?

During the ceremony: very conscious of my posture and hand placement. Very hot under those lights. I listened closely throughout, but can't really repeat anything that was said aside from the "that's what she said" moments.

END PART ONE

Still A Thing

2011-04-06T19:33:00.002-05:00

I swear to the great spirit that this is still a thing. Stay tuned.

Time To Dry

2011-03-07T20:56:00.005-06:00

Electric hand dryers used to have different instructions printed on them. Nowadays, they just have little pictures next to numbered steps. In olden times, step one said "Push Button", and the second step probably said "Rub Hands Together".

I'm only certain about the first step's text, because every one I ever used had been vandalized to read "Pus Butt".

The World Is... Not Enough?

2011-03-01T23:46:00.002-06:00

Remember this thing? It's still on my desk. I've been hoping its supports would slowly bend and fail, and I could witness its end "The World Without Us" style, but it seems my engineering skills are too strong. And today, this happened:

GUY FROM DOWN THE HALL: (stands in cubicle entryway, pauses) "I see you made the world."

ME: "........y-yes?"

GUY FROM DOWN THE HALL: "It's a house of cards." (walks away)

I don't chat with him much.

I'm moving from the cubicle to this thing with four walls and a door and a window, and on Friday I got this catalog and looked at my furniture options. It was much less fun than I thought it would be -- it was like choosing my coffin, except I'll never have to look at my coffin, much less see it every day for the foreseeable future.

2010 Recap - Music And Lyrics

2011-02-15T23:31:00.004-06:00

I know you're on pins and needles, not having written this recap for soooooo long post-2010...

Here's what I bought in 2010 that was released in 2010, from most enjoyed to still enjoyed but kinda wanted more from:

Spoon - Transference
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
The New Pornographers - Together
Menomena - Mines
Broken Bells - s/t

Here's what else I bought - some 2009 catch-up purchases and some older material - which is all pretty much great:

We Were Promised Jetpacks - These Four Walls
Telekinesis - s/t
The Xx - s/t
M Ward - pretty much everything he's recorded
The Stone Roses - s/t
Neil Diamond - various hits

I also bought a few singles here and there, maybe a used CD. In total, I spent about $100. Good story? Good story.

Last year I did a real bang-up job on my lyric awards, and I fear the 2010 recap is less stunning. Case in point, I don't have a selection for "Best Metaphor". Pathetic! That's a great category! Please enlighten me in the comments. Moving on...

Best Simile

Arcade Fire - "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)"

Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains

Soul Asylum Funeral/Urinal Memorial Award: Best Half-Rhyming Couplet

Menomena - "Queen Black Acid"

You're 5-foot-5, not a hundred pounds
I'm scared to death of every single ounce

Stars - "We Don't Want Your Body"

Your soul is searching ecstasy
So you can have some sex with me

Most Unlikely Adjective

The New Pornographers - "Sweet Talk, Sweet Talk"

That would feel byzantine

Most Nonsensical Lyric

Quasi - "Repulsion"

Wee Willy Winky run to the town
They can't keep it up he just lays it down
The moon took a piss behind a tree
I still made it back by a quarter to three

Most Nonsensical Lyric, But You Can Kinda See Where He's Going With This

The Long Winters - "Not Moving to Portland"

All your bicycles are dreaming of their brakes

Worst Flow

Snoop Dogg, as featured in Katy Perry's "California Gurls"

Bikinis, zucchini, martinis, no weenies, just the kingie and Queenie

Most Overwrought

Arcade Fire - "We Used to Wait"

It seems strange
How we used to wait for letters to arrive
But what's stranger still
Is how something so small can keep you alive

You know, I don't mean to shit on Arcade Fire too much, but this song irks me. As someone who used to take a pen and take lined paper and sit down and write overwrought letters to girls about issues that probably did not deserve such a time commitment, I feel quite qualified to say that waiting for a response did not make me feel alive. It made me feel like the mail is a stupid slow goddamned asshole WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG WHY DID I WRITE A LETTER GOD SHE'LL HAVE TO GO BUY A STAMP AND SHIT ARRRRGH. I mean, sure, hand-writing letters was sort of neat, but I promise you I switched to writing overwrought emails as soon as that option was possible, and I've been grateful for that migration ever since. Anywayyyyyy, I know this song isn't just about writing versus typing, but those few lines really got my goat. The keyboard riff ain't all that great, either.

Now, to ease us into the comments, here's Alipete and I exchanging more lyric thoughts (Alipete's text is in pink):

So, I did not do a good job of tracking lyrics this year. I'll try to think of others, but as of now, this is all I have to offer:

Arcade Fire, "Rococo"

Let's go downtown and watch the modern kids
Let's go downtown and talk to the modern kids
They will eat right out of your hand
Using great big words that they don't understand

I enthusiastically second your "Sprawl II" choice. My favorite lyrics from one of my favorite songs of the year. So, so good. Two from Stars (and agreed on the "We Don't Want Your Body" pick):

"Dead Hearts"

They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew
Now they're all dead hearts to you
Now they're all dead hearts to you

-- I've tried to figure out what this song means, but in the end, do I really care? The answer is no.

"How Much More"

My hands are tied
Because I won't say goodbye
I tried
I told you I was brave but I lied

-- It looks kind of lame on paper, but the way she sings it makes it fantastic. So probably just listen. Over and over.

Also, since you played the Katy Perry card, I'd be remiss if I didn't include this incredible nonsensical rhyming "Family Matters" reference from that great bard Kanye West on "Dark Fantasy":

The plan was to drink until the pain over
But what’s worse, the pain or the hangover?
Fresh air, rolling down the window
Too many Urkels on your team, that’s why your wins low

-- Brilliant

I also like AF’s “Ready to Start”: if the businessman drinks my blood / like the kids in art school said they would. Kinda weird how Arcade Fire is going to have my most favorite (Sprawl II) and least favorite (We Used to Wait). I want to meet Win Butler and ask him to calm down. I think he needs to take a long weekend – hang out on a beach with Beck and hope some of his nonsense rubs off.

When you meet Win Butler, please ask him to do something about his hair. I enjoy his music so, but he is real hard to look at sometimes. There I said it.

What do you think? A buzz cut? He might be too skinny for that. Maybe he could get it styled like the My Chemical Romance guy.

No, I do not wish that upon Win Butler. He might be beyond help, honestly. He should just go to a barber and ask for "something normal."

An Idiot Asleep

2011-02-12T17:37:00.004-06:00

Last night I dreamed I met Karl Pilkington out at a bar, where he was playing in a 3-piece band. He played the keyboard. The band claimed one song was the theme to "The Dukes of Hazzard", but it sounded nothing like the Waylon Jennings classic.

We've seen season one of HBO's "The Ricky Gervais Show", but what's really put Karl on my mind is "An Idiot Abroad", which is currently airing on The Science Channel for some reason. (And, thank God, it's also available on demand.)

"An Idiot Abroad" is the best travel show ever because it's the most honest. We are not all Anthony Bourdain or the Bizzare Foods guy - some of us don't need to see a lion in the wild if it means being exposed to malaria, and some of us don't want to see the Taj Mahal if it means squatting in sub-outhouse quality restrooms. Karl's show doesn't make you feel guilty for your lack of interest or your middling sense of adventure.

Last Week In Texts

2011-02-01T22:01:00.003-06:00

The following were sent and received Friday, January 28.

* * *

[Note - Matt traveled to Egypt last year.]

dn: I guess you picked the right time to go to Egypt.
Matt: It seems the seeds I planted are starting to grow.
dn: The seeds of discontent? Or your semen?
Matt: Yes.

* * *

Shawn: At Arby's, I just listened to a dad explain to his three children that he is going to jail for a year, and that he wanted this to be a great day to remember while he's away. Touching.

2010 Recap - Motion Pictures - Non-Prestige Films

2011-01-23T23:05:00.002-06:00

2010 films not designed to win Oscars, from best to worst:

Scott Pilgrim vs The World*
The first movie since, uh... Good Will Hunting?... that I saw twice in the theater. I've watched it again on DVD, and listened to two of the feature commentaries. Not only am I not sick of it yet, I still get all tingly watching The Clash At Demonhead scene, the Amp vs Amp battle, and the ending. My favorite movie of the year.

Memorable Quote: "I gotta pee on her!... I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time."

MacGruber*
If you didn't enjoy yourself while watching MacGruber, you're watching movies wrong. The scene where MacGruber explains the origin of his rivalry with Dieter Von Cunth was the hardest I laughed all year.

Memorable Quote: "The only record I'm gonna break is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record."

Youth in Revolt
Pretty good! Just a nice little coming-of-age romp. Excellent use of The Fruit Bats "When U Love Somebody" weaved into the final act.

Memorable Quote: "I do all of my hiking free form. Like John Muir, I enter the wilderness with nothing more than my journal and a child-like sense of wonder."

Hot Tub Time Machine
I found this highly enjoyable, but I will grant that the lowered expectations that accompany DVD viewings may play a factor. If you paid full price to see Crispin Glover lose a hand, you might rank it differently. Or maybe you just have to be a fan of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" to dig it.

Memorable Quote: "Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a fuck?"

Kick-Ass*
Finally, a movie Nicolas Cage didn't ruin. Not the best superhero movie, but Hit Girl pushed it to an acceptable level.

Memorable Quote: I guess it was memorable when Hit Girl used the "C" word, but not really because I'd forgotten until I just looked up the IMDB quotes.

Date Night
Good enough for a date movie targeted to parents.

Memorable Quote: nah

The Town
Kind of dumb? But this movie proves that if you throw at least three heists into an otherwise cliched plot (with a strange romantic angle in there, too), you can still get a passing grade from the audience.

Memorable Quote: all the ones with those thick Boston accents. They talk different from you and me!

Get Him to the Greek
This was a comedy that made me smile several times, but no big laughs.

Memorable Quote: probably something Nick Kroll said to Diddy

Dinner for Schmucks*
I'm not a big Flight of the Conchords fan, but Jemaine Clement was easily the funniest part of this movie. Unfortunately, he's only in a few scenes.

Memorable Quote: nope

Predators
This movie definitely featured humans shooting at predators with huge guns (and in the Yakuza's case, stylish but comically useless small guns). In my book, that counts for something.

Memorable Quote: (bang bang bang bang pew pew bang bang bang)

Iron Man 2
Snore. Big time.

Memorable Quote: the one where Robert Downey Jr said something wry instead of flying around and punching stuff.

*Denotes theater viewing. Expectations that come with a full-price, pound-me-in-the-ass ticket prices almost certainly influence the rankings assigned.

2010 Recap - Motion Pictures - Prestige Films

2011-01-17T22:18:00.003-06:00

The Hollywood Foreign Press and I agree that it doesn't make sense to compare heavy dramas to silly comedies, so I've divided my usual review of the year in film into two parts. Today I'll discuss the 2010 "prestige" films I've seen, from best to worst:

Inception*
After the event, it's easy to poke holes in the plot and joke about the dialogue. And sure, hearing your coworkers discuss the ambiguous ending with misguided conviction subtracted from its impact. But when the van was slowly falling backwards toward the river, my attention was undivided and my mouth was agape.

Exit Through The Gift Shop
The coolest documentary ever? Far more mind-boggling than "Inception".

True Grit*
Perfectly cast, acted, and directed. Yet somehow #3 on this list.

The Social Network*
Before "Fargo" begins, a note pops up that reads "This is a true story". It's not. The Coen brothers felt that adding that note would make the plot more believable for viewers - everyone could suspend their disbelief and marvel at how the story unfolded. "The Social Network" is a good movie, but it's fiction, and my appreciation of it waned as I learned more about its inaccuracies. Great use of The Beatles in the final scene, though.

Winter's Bone
I am probably overrating this, but it was original and should be rewarded accordingly in my prestigious rankings.

Black Swan*
I spent the first twenty minutes thinking about how gross ballet can be. The tops of your toes are not meant for that, girls! Yuck. Anyway, this was okay. A bit heavy on the horror side for my liking. When that ballet director made a toast "To Beauty!" I chortled, and resolved to make all my future toasts that pretentious.

The King's Speech*
Good, but good in the same respect that last week's PBS special on Ulysses S. Grant was good. After this weekend's pre-Oscar awards, it seems Colin Firth is bound to win Best Actor, which renews the need for separate acting awards - those impersonating real people (especially mentally handicapped people) should compete amongst each other, and those playing fictional characters should be grouped together.

Shutter Island
God, this movie is so old. Who cares? If you care, read the two sentences I wrote about it in October.

The Kids Are All Right*
I've previously mentioned how much I hate this movie.

Put it this way. In "The King's Speech", there isn't a lot of dramatic tension because we know everything will end up fine for the king. But pretending the film could fall into an alternate plane of history, what would be at stake? "Oh no! I hope that Duke of the royal family will manage to get by in life with his speech impediment! Hopefully he'll manage to keep his kids fed and his horses fed and his castle estate well-kept!"

"The Kids Are All Right" has an equal amount of dramatic tension as this skewed version of "The King's Speech". Strip away the "unique" plot aspects - a sperm donor, a lesbian partnership - and what you have is an unlikeable rich white couple with near-adult children who might get divorced. The horror! Stay together, split up - who gives a fuck?

*Denotes theater viewing. Expectations that come with a full-price, pound-me-in-the-ass ticket prices almost certainly influence the rankings assigned.

That's Phrasey!

2011-01-12T00:06:00.002-06:00

Every time I hear the word "Jamaican", I think: "Jamaican me horny!".

Urine: "Urine luck!"

2010 Recap - Printed Words

2011-01-05T19:43:00.005-06:00

Chuck Klosterman - Eating the Dinosaur
I really loved the essay comparing Nirvana's Kurt Cobain and Branch Davidian David Koresh, even if you could make a solid argument for why it should not exist. All of Klosterman's big ideas may be incorrect (or impossible to prove), but I'll forego accuracy so long as they're fun to read.

Nick Hornby - Juliet, Naked
Parts of this book delve into interactions on internet message boards for rock bands, assuring us of how lame a modern-day reboot of "High Fidelity" would be. Not an important or groundworking novel, I'm sure, but Hornby is so easy for me to digest I wonder if I'll ever dislike his work.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky - The Brothers Karamozov
I had this idea. I would ask my friends what their "most important" book was, and I'd read them, and we'd talk about how it affected each of us. Adrienne ruined the whole thing, because sweet lord is Russian literature long and... long. Really long. If I wanted to finish my experiment, I would have needed to renew the library loan roughly a billion times, and taken a week off work. Instead, I decided to shut it down. I'd read one-fourth of the mammoth text.

Carson McCullers - The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
I bought this paperback for a song (the title of the song was "One American Dollar") at the semi-annual book sale at the local library. The book reminded me of "Winesburg, Ohio", even though I read that book eight years ago and only remember some scene about a man in a church looking across the street at a woman (?). If I were to describe the theme of each book, it would be: Life's a bitch and then you die. (I am not a professional literary critic.)

Saul Bellow - The Adventures of Augie March
Another book bought cheap at the book sale. Another book with no discernible story arc. Another abandoned book.

Max Brooks - World War Z
I am growing weary of the zombie craze, and I had read a bit of Brook's tedious Zombie Survival Guide, so it took a strong recommendation from friends for me to read this. It is well done -- for one thing, it establishes clear rules of what zombies can (live underwater) and cannot (climb) do -- and hopefully the movie in development will also be well done.

Chuck Klosterman - Fargo Rock City
I'm just a few years young for the sweet spot of readership, but old enough to understand and appreciate most of the context. The only bad thing about this heavy metal retrospective is you occasionally get songs like Skid Row's "Remember Yesterday" in your head for 24 hours.

Bryan Lee O'Malley - the Scott Pilgrim series

I never got into comics. Reading this series, I realized that the subject material was never a problem - I just can't enjoy the style of reading comics. Do I read the dialogue first, or look at the drawing? How carefully do I need to look a the drawing? Where do I put my eye next? I looked at the author's blog, and he'd posted examples from his work that show how it can be a confusing process for the reader.

If Edgar Wright directs every comic adaptation going forward, I see no reason to read this stuff.

Kazuo Ishiguro - Never Let Me Go
I think this is a good book? Seeing the movie might help me decide. I can't figure out if I knew the novel's "secrets" because of what I'd read in book/film reviews (the NY Times review plainly reveals the "mystery"), or because the secret isn't well-kept. Certainly, readers should avoid the Library of Congress page. God forbid I check to see what year it was written, only to see the spoiler-laden labels the LOC applied to the novel.

Mournful Movie Moments

2011-01-02T16:00:00.003-06:00

Again, this list is limited to movie theater experiences, and relationship issues to do not factor into the rankings.

Hackers (1995)
Bless the Child (2000)
Joe Dirt (2001)
These can all be lumped together. Each are awful movies, plus the experience was made worse because I convinced others to spend money on them. "Hackers" was the first time I led a group into a shitty movie ambush - there may have been 8 or 10 of us in total, and I promise you every one of them hated it. I guess I expected something akin to "Sneakers", which I'd seen over and over on VHS. "Sneakers" is still awesome, and while "Hackers" now has a cult following that I pray is ironic, it still sucks big time.

"Bless the Child" starred Kim Basinger and Jimmy Smits, and somehow that didn't set off red flags. The commercial was kinda spooky and cool, with the little girl actress saying something about the end of the world or -- I don't know, it was a total misfire on my part, and I convinced a friend to tag along, and maybe that's why he doesn't return my calls nowadays.

Do I need to say anything about "Joe Dirt"? I will anyway. I laughed every time the commercial aired, when David Spade put up his fists and said, "Why don't you say it into the microphone?" Sure, we knew Dennis Miller was involved, but this was before everyone was positive he turned crazy. Christopher Walken was billed, but he ended up with a very small part. After my 2 or 3 friends and I got out of the movie, we drove to Applebee's. ("Applebee's Eases The Pain" was the chain's slogan at the time, if memory serves.) I swear to God this happened: our waitress came back with our drink orders and asked why we looked so dazed. Joe Dirt literally put us in a stupor! We explained how bad the movie was, and I told her that I recognized her from not one but TWO places - she sangs sometimes at the church I attended, and I'd just seen her do some musical theater for the Music Listening Lab class I was taking for some art credit requirement. I quoted some of the song she sang in her musical scene, to add super stalker bonus points. As we were driving away, I realized I was responsible for our party's tip, and I hadn't left her anything -- again, Joe Dirt had scrambled our brains -- so I executed an erratic U-turn in the old Honda, ran inside, found her, and apologized and left some money. So yeah, I had a pretty good-sized crush on her.

Snake Eyes (1998)
Just after "The Rock" and "Con Air", my friend and I made a ridiculous pact to always watch Nic Cage movies together, so we got together to see this piece of crap. In modern times, it would be obvious that Cage would star in a piece of crap; back then, it was a huge disappointment. One of those suspense movies where you think, "Gee, that guy would be a really obvious villan, surely it will end with some other twist," only it doesn't.

The Thin Red Line (1998)
This movie came up the other day when Adrienne said she was excited for "Tree of Life", the new Terrence Malick movie to be released soon. I mentioned it was the first and only movie I ever walked out of - let me set the scene. 1998. "Saving Private Ryan" came out earlier in the year, which stoked everyone's interest in war-related films. My girlfriend and I decide to double date with Phil and his girlfriend, and we gentlemen choose this movie. We arrive late to a crowded theater (I told you everyone's interest was stoked!) and sit in the front row. The movie starts. Adrien Brody swims around on an island for a while. The army finally shows up. They walk around on Guadalcanal. Lots of shots of tall grass blowing in the wind. In what passes for an action scene, Woody Harrelson's ass is injured by a grenade. I remember being bored, and uncomfortable because the decision to subject the women to this movie was partially mine. We all look at each other, and decide our time can be better spent elsewhere. As we leave, we hear a girl wishing she was leaving, too.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Hadn't read the book, theater full of little children, popcorn EVERYWHERE, too long...

The Punisher (2004)
I didn't care to see this, but my friends wanted to. I sat down in a row with available seats for all of us, but they kept walking up the steps, and sat in a row that only had enough seats for them. It was real bullshit.

Magical Movie Moments

2010-12-29T19:47:00.003-06:00

I want to see one or two more new flix before I review the year in film, so meanwhile, here are my most memorable theater experiences of all time. DVD, VHS, laserdisc, and filmstrips do not qualify. Also, I did not count movies that were memorable because of girls who sat beside me.

Comedy

Dirty Work (1998)
Shawn, Phil and I went to see this at the now defunct Cinema's West theater in Wichita, home from college for the summer. The hardest I have ever laughed in a theater.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
The second hardest I've ever laughed in a theater.

There's Something About Mary (1998)
I got sneak preview tickets, for a reason or skill I can no longer recall. I went with my pal Julie, who thankfully could appreciate jokes about kids named Mongo.

Rushmore (1998)
As a surprise gift, I given the new Sheryl Crow cassette, and was driven two towns over to the closest theater showing Rushmore. I still like both of those things, but one much more than the other. A few weeks later, we watched it again with my friend Chris, who said, "I'm pretty sure that used the word 'handjob' more than any movie I've ever seen."

Zoolander (2001)
This the first movie I saw with Jeff, who is probably the best person to watch a comedy with, because he'll laugh loudly at almost any decent joke.

Drama

A Time to Kill (1996)
After returning home from this movie, I told my mom that it was "probably the best movie I've ever seen". To my dismay, she brings this up a lot. (Not to be mean, just because she's got a good memory, and sometimes assumes things I said twenty years ago still apply to my current preferences. I know you're reading this, Mom! I like sweet potatoes now! Get over it!) Anyway, it was 1996. I had not lived a lot of life by then, or seen a lot of great dramas.

The People vs Larry Flynt (1996)
Memorable only because Nathan asked the box office attendant for "Two tickets to the porn."

Action

The Dark Knight (2008)
The most anticipated movie of my lifetime, I think. Action from start to finish. Seeing it in a sold-out IMAX theater took it up a notch. Plus, I'm always proud when I make it through a long movie without the nagging urge to urinate. That's always the cherry on top.

From Dusk Til Dawn (1996)
My high school friends and I got in the car to head home, and someone said, "Ha! They were all vampires!" and we all started giggling, and we laughed and laughed about how crazy and stupid it was. I went to see it again the following night, and then a third time the night after that. So dumb. So fun.

Pulp Fiction (1994)
I think we headed over to the east side of town to see this after a half-day of high school. We got there a few minutes into the movie, but that was corrected easily enough by seeing it again after a few days. Surely the first movie I saw where the soundtrack and action and dialogue all came together in such a cool way.

2010 Soundtrack

2010-12-19T20:21:00.004-06:00

[CDs are being mailed this week. Should you have any doubt that you will receive one, please leave a message in the comments or text me your address.]

Here are the songs I enjoyed most this year. This playlist conveniently fits on an 80-minute CD, and more thought than you would expect has gone into their order. It's a tradition.

1. Broken Bells - "The Mall & Misery"
Portlander

I've mentioned that I prefer James Mercer's output with The Shins, but this album had its moments. I mistakenly burned the final track to the beginning of a CD, and it took me a while to figure out why the first song I'd hear in my car sounded so much like the last song I'd hear at work via the mp3 album. Good story, right? Anyway, that's why Broken Bells bats leadoff in 2010.

2. Menomena - "Taos"
Portlanders

This is probably my favorite song of 2010. At the very least, it's my favorite song to play LOUD. I was pleased to see these gentlemen perform at The Bottleneck -- Nick and I walked in and took a seat just as they took the stage. The joy of seeing a great Tuesday night performance without sitting through two opening bands cannot be overstated.

3. The xx - "VCR"
Brits

I'd been intentionally avoiding this band, partly due to their name, partly because I knew it was a minimalist boy/girl thingamajig. Then one day, I watched a video of a Shiba Inu dog slowly falling asleep as this song played, and the boycott was over.

4. The Stone Roses - "Bye Bye Badman"
Brits

In "Shaun of the Dead", when our heroes are rummaging through Shaun's record collection to separate the keepers from the projectile weapons, they keep both The Stone Roses' self-titled debut and their largely dismissed follow-up. "I liked it!" Shaun says. I always understood the reference, though I'd never heard either full album. This song comes from their acclaimed debut, and is about halfway between Echo & The Bunnymen and Oasis in both timeline and feel.

5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Y Control"
New Yorkers
6. Spoon - "The Mystery Zone"
Portlander, Austinites

This was the first song I noticed playing at Henry's after I proposed to my girlfriend in a bar, while I ordered two more vanilla vodka and Coke's. It sounded good.

715 Restaurant played Spoon's "Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga" from start to finish as we enjoyed our pre-engagement dinner, and "Transference" was in my car as we drove home that night, fielding calls and texts from well-wishers. Picture yourself / set up for good in a whole other life / In the mystery zone.

7. Sleigh Bells - "Rill Rill"
New Yorkers

It's always hard to gauge the latest big thing to emerge from Brooklyn, and harder still when said Next Big Thing intentionally compresses and distorts its music. While some of their songs are literally difficult to endure (i.e. "Crown on the Ground"), "Rill Rill" is a pleasure throughout, similar to Broken Social Scene's "Anthems for a 17-Year-Old Girl" in both tone and what-the-fuck-are-they-singing-aboutness.

8. The Talking Heads - "I'm Not in Love"
New Yorkers

It is surprising and disturbing that 31 years passed before I became aware of this very good song by this famous band. Up yours, classic rock radio stations!

9. Camera Obscura - "French Navy"
Scots

Most likely, the song I heard most frequently during the year, due to its placement on several mix CDs.

10. Built to Spill - "The Weather"
Boiseans

I ate at the Built to Grill food truck, but it had nothing to do with this very nice song that I discovered when some lady put it in a weather-related blog post. I am trying to convince Alipete to use it in her wedding, should she choose to be married someday.

11. Elvis Costello - "You Belong to Me"
Brit

I like having some of Costello's old stuff remain unknown to me. It's like a bookshelf I can occassionally visit when I need to find something decent to read for an upcoming flight.

12. We Were Promised Jetpacks - "Roll Up Your Sleeves"
Scots

I had a hard time choosing which song to include from "These Four Walls", the album I listened to most frequently this year. This band is Scottish, isn't afraid to rock, and repeats a lot of their lyrics. So, I chose the very representative "Roll Up Your Sleeves". It features a Scottish pronunciation of "Queue", an aggressive guitar riff, and the words "Stay calm" repeated nine consecutive times before "Keep warm" is repeated twice. As far as repeated phrases go, you could do much worse.

13. Beck - "Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye" (Leonard Cohen cover)
Californian/Space Alien (Cohen is Canadian.)

I looked this up after reading an interview with A.C. Newman of The New Pornographers:

"I always remember being 22 and going through a terrible breakup when I was completely despairing, and I remember hearing that song and I kind of turned on a dime. Somehow, that song seemed too wise. I thought, "Yeah, it's true. That is no way to say goodbye." I just remember I went from being completely in despair to like, "Yeah, this is no big deal. Let's put it in perspective." Just based on that, it has to win as my all time favorite song."

I like this Beck version best of those I found, despite its poor audio quality.

14. The New Pornographers - "We End Up Together"
Canadians, mostly

Songwriter A.C. Newman explains:

"One of the upstairs bathrooms at Seaside Lounge is a closet-sized little thing, and on the inside of the door is written the graffiti: "We End Up Togther." You read this many times before you realize that there is a missing "e" in "together." It struck me as a really great line, and as far as I knew it hadn't been used in a song yet. I just went from there. When I started laying down the vocals for this song, the guys who worked at the studio slowly began to notice something familiar about that line. They would usually figure it out upon returning from the bathroom.

Even though the line doesn't show up until the very end, it is still the subtext that pushes along all of the other lyrics. It's a song about all of the times in the past that I had met my wife, or been in the same room as my wife, and had been completely unaware that, well, we end up together."

It's a nice sentiment, but both Alipete and I have been unsuccessful trying to twist the lyrics to fall in with his claim.

15. Telekinesis - "Tokyo"
Seattleite

An awesome song. Until it's in your head for a few consecutive days. Then try to take a break, listen to some vintage Metallica or something. You'll get past it, and the song will sound great again.

16. The Clash - "Koka Kola"
Brits

Again, a huge band but you only hear the same four songs of theirs on the radio. All the shitty lists that populate the internet, yet it took me until this year to find one list that recommended this song.

17. Plumtree - "Scott Pilgrim"
Canadians

This song inspired the comic, and therefore the film. I experienced both in 2010, ten years after this band ceased to exist. Too bad - 2010 could use a fun girl band like this. One that murdered K$sha, preferably.

18. Gillian Welch - "Black Star" (live Radiohead cover)
Nashvillian?

I don't know - the metadata claims this was recorded live in Minneapolis on September 24, 2004. The original version was background music for making out in high school. I suppose if I bothered to interpret the lyrics to this song or that album, those sessions would have been more morose. EVEN MORESO. To date, I have not made out to this cover version, and do not plan to.

19. Nirvana - "Paper Cuts"
Seattleites

I planned ahead, and passed most of my time during the '09 Christmastime snowstorm with my Playstation. When I finally ventured out of my mom's house to meet other beer drinkers downtown, my new present -- the deluxe remaster of "Bleach" -- played in the car stereo. "Paper Cuts" was a perfect soundtrack for the dark, snowy, foreboding Wichita streets.

20. The Futureheads - "Struck Dumb"
Brits

I just like this song.

House Of Cards Update

2010-12-15T20:25:00.004-06:00

You'd be surprised how quickly certain people lose interest in two or three solidly built floors of a structure made of old business cards. "When are you going to put another level on top?" they say, as if they've ever done anything with their own old business cards / current lives. Then you GO TO WORK to SHUT THEM UP.

This baby has held steady for over a week now. Except some still say, "When are you going to finish it?", not realizing this thing is finished, because they don't understand architectural engineering like the rest of us.

* * *

In other news, the most famous friend of a friend of a friend I've ever shared a brunch table with (and said six words to once in Chicago) was on Conan the other night. The Conan website pointed me to this audition stunt he did to get his "Yogi Bear" role:

Wheel Watcher

2010-12-08T20:42:00.005-06:00

If you want to see my friend Charles on television, tune in tomorrow, December 9, to the game show featuring hangman, a giant disc, and a useless old lady.

If you have any questions about his episode or the show in general, leave them in the comments and I will try to get him properly interviewed.

2010 Recap - Bad Indie Rock Press Photos

2010-12-05T23:14:00.002-06:00

It's become a tradition for me to gather the terrible images that indie rock bands chose to promote themselves with.

Mickey Mickey Rourke (via Musicforants)

"We will rock you. 'We' meaning me and this purple polyester blanket, and 'rock' meaning 'haunt'."

Martha (via I Guess I'm Floating)

"Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"

Magic Kids (via I Guess I'm Floating)

"If you spent all your money on colored chalk, saxophones, and skateboards, you'd be dressed in tatters, too!

Club 8 (via Musicforants)

"Bongos here is like, Meg. And I'm Jack, 'cause I shred this guitar. Once we get out of this Sears portrait studio, we'll show you what our sound is all about."

Brite Futures (via Indiemuse)

"I look like the best friend from "Boy Meets World". And also, a kitty cat."

Giant Mistakes

2010-12-01T01:23:00.004-06:00

Sometimes we would head over to my grandparent's place on Sundays. We'd usually hang out in the basement with everyone, the cousins playing Nintendo while the adults watched a football game.

One day, my grandma cheered, "Go! Go! Go!" at a New York Giant trying to break free for a long run. I informed her that she was looking at a replay of the previous down, but she didn't mind. Her sentiment remained.

On November 10, that New York Giant was sentenced to 30 years in prison for criminal sexual conduct. And burglary.

So long, Dave Meggett. I'm sure Grandma would take it back if she could.

Holiday Embarrassments 2010

2010-11-28T23:08:00.002-06:00

Did your aunt heap praise on "Sarah Palin's Alaska"? Did you see a Goldline pamphlet next to your father's recliner? Did New England running back Benjarvus Green-Ellis' name and/or race inspire lamentable comments from Gramps?

Communicate your "favorite" holiday moments in the comments.

Card Me

2010-11-21T14:37:00.003-06:00

I don't know anyone who has ever run out of their initial supply of business cards. I assume it takes a special kind of douche to force them upon strangers so frequently that you'd need to reload.

One inconsequential line of my signature block changed a few weeks ago, so new business cards were printed for everyone in the area. I looked at the box of my old cards, and considered the staggering amount of similar paper waste that goes on every day in businesses across the globe, and I wondered how these old cards could be meaningfully re-purposed.

As a youth, I'd build multi-story complexes from playing cards, and then shoot rubber bands at them until they crumbled. (It's hard to say why I chose to do this; either we didn't have Nintendo yet, or my sibling was playing a marathon Dragon Warrior session.)

I knew just one well-placed rubber band would collapse this structure, so I instead chose to see how long it would survive on my desk.

A few hours later, a young woman walked into the cube and intentionally fanned her notebook toward the pyramid.

HER: "I didn't think it would fall down!"
ME: "It's a HOUSE of CARDS!"
HER: "I thought you taped them together."

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana

2010-11-16T19:28:00.005-06:00

Today someone cleaned their cubicle with a Corporate Express (Staples) aerosol cleaning spray. It initally smelled like oranges, and gradually the olfactory cloud spoiled.

What I'm trying to say is: it literally smelled like vomit at work today.

* * *

Worse guy in the adjacent bathroom stall: sighing loudly, or talking on his phone?