Groundzero For Bad Deals

Sometimes Yelp users are so great that you follow their RSS feed for years and years and they just keep nailing it:

Getting Chippy

Man, IT'S BEEN nearly a month since I've last update the ol' blog. Here's some of that classic text that you yearn for:

CHIP UPDATE, OCTOBER 2013

One of the fun things I do to spice up my work lunches and distract myself from the unbearable lightness of being is purchase and consume different varieties of chips and crackers! Here's what's new!

Sun Chips Sweet BBQ

Sun Chips has a barbeque flavor! It's pretty terrible, especially when the Garden Salsa flavor is so good. And being Sun Chips, they are terribly more expensive than other chips. Plus their bag size keeps shrinking - it's down to SEVEN OUNCES now!!! People are going crazy on its corporate Facebook page, as if Sun Chips owes them for years of brand loyalty.

Lay's Pico de Gallo

Pico de Gallo flavored potato chips?! The folks at Lays have done it! Except it tastes more like spicy tomato potatoes, which is to say, not very good. And the after-lunch taste in your mouth is terrible, and must be washed away with a handful of altoids.

Doritos JACKED Stacked Enchilada

These Doritos are thicker than normal, and have extra flavoring on the chip, so you get even more of the Dorito dust on your fingers as you eat it. Have you ever craved a Dorito that was harder and thicker? Me neither. The taste is vaguely Mexican, and not nearly as good as

Doritos Salsa Verde

This is the premier Dorito chip in the world right now. Very delicious.

Wheat Thins Spicy Buffalo

Soak a box of Wheat Thins in Tabasco brand sauce and eat it. Eat the whole box, because you paid like two dollars for it and it's a waste not to. Bleh!

Wheat Thins Chili Cheese

Better, but not great. Wheat Thins just don't take to flavors very well.

Cheez-It Zingz Queso Fundido

"These bold crackers are made with corn masa flour for maximum crunchiness and seasoned perfectly to spice things up! That's why they're The Snacking Crunch with a Punch! Inspired by a popular Mexican cheese dish, Queso Fundido features 100% Real White Cheddar cheese, combined with a bold blend of peppers, herbs and spices for a zesty hit of flavor!"

I don't know about this maximum crunch claim, but the flavor is very good! Plus the name has all those Z's in it, which makes it really fun!

Bagel Bites

Did you know bagels are like, 300 calories? And that's before you cover them with cream cheese? That doesn't seem fair. That's practically cinnamon roll territory.

Speaking of cinnamon, I tried apple cinnamon Cheerios for the first time last week. (Last week was pretty huge for me, breakfast-wise.) They're pretty good!

Did you know Ben & Jerry originally planned to make bagels, but the startup costs were too big, so they switched to ice cream? It's a fact, Jack.

Bowl Of Cookies

We didn't have a lot of sugary cereals growing up, and when I arrived at college Cracklin' Oat Bran stole my heart before that garbage could.

And that's how a 33-year-old man came to purchase and eat Cookie Crisp for the first time this past Saturday.

It really does taste like chocolate chip cookies! The worst kind! Like, the brand below the generic store brand.

Liveblog Madness 14

Asheville is leading Syracuse at the half, and I'm told it's the 6th time a 16 has ever led a 1 seed at halftime. I should be excited but I have to assume it won't last. It's almost like I feel bad, because they have so much hope now, but they'll probably lose anyway?

I'm also not very excited about that summer sausage. I've tried a few brands and still haven't found a great one. Oh well. At least I've consumed 200% of my daily sodium requirement by 3:30.

Keith Hornsby plays for Asheville, and his famous dad Bruce is watching in the stands. No sign of The Range. I'm pretty sure Keith has more tattoos than Bruce.
 

Long Beach vs New Mexico is starting. Larry Anderson, a key Long Beach player, is going to start despite a bum knee. The coach was interviewed and said it's because if he didn't try to play, he'd regret it. Translation: Larry Anderson will probably have his leg amputated before the night is over. Lobos have to be huge favorites now.

Liveblog Madness 3

First commercial break. Colorado State looking good so far - up a few points. CBS has elected to put the giant scoreboard on top of the screen showing the scores of games that have not yet occurred - very cool.

Domino's commercial just ran about parmesan bread bites. "We have test kitchens at corporate headquarters, but some store owner in Ohio was the one who came up with this!" A true genius. Easy to see how cheese sticks cut into smaller pieces was beyond even the genius chefs in Domino's main kitchen.

Colorado State hits a 3 to go up 10-3.

No Bologna? No.

I had to search the archives to make sure I hadn't told you this before. Sure enough, I only have one solid bologna-related story in the written past.

I've mostly converted to peanut butter and jelly for a packed lunch, but every one or two years I crave bologna. I've come to enjoy them as such: soft wheat bread (not the better-for-you fiber-filled stuff), a small amount of Miracle Whip, one or two slices of light bologna (which seems to be healthier than turkey bologna). American cheese optional. Then, insert a white corn tortilla chip into the sandwich prior to taking the corresponding bite. Salty! Crunchy! Bologna!

In other sandwich news, the 'Book indicates Jack Serpentine ate this today.

Are You Cereal?

Since I never shut up about it, I'm sure you all know that I love Cracklin' Oat Bran more than any other cereal. Many weeks ago, HyVee slashed the cost of this pricey yet delicious breakfast; a box could be had for TWO DOLLARS! Since I never shut up about it, I'm sure you know that represents more than half the usual retail price.

I purchased six boxes. As I'm sure you all know, I have breezed through that stockpile; I'll finish the final box on Friday or Monday. Then it's back to the eternal struggle: buy more COB at the top shelf price, or slum it with store-brand mini-wheats or honey-oat-bunches? Since I never shut up about it, I'm sure you all know that I hate to spend more than two dollars on a box of cereal.

I eat a bowl of cereal almost every single weekday morning.

Nuts And Gum, Together At Last

Bloomington, Illinois roundup:


No sale. (This stuff looked like chocolate milk, by the way.)


You wouldn't think so from looking at the outside, right? Well, my time inside the "limousine" confirmed that suspicion. Paul F. Tompkins knows about these business naming blunders:

Jokes.com
Paul F. Tompkins - Balloon Shopping
comedians.comedycentral.com
Funny Jokes Funny Videos Daniel Tosh Stand-Up

Tray Not Cool

I don't care how many customer ratings say otherwise - this is a stupid way to make nachos.

Real Talk

Overrated breakfast food: Eggs

Underrated breakfast food: Potatoes

Dreaming My Dreams

Last night in my dream:

*The Royals scored 36 runs and still lost.

*Gav and I were in Texas, eating biscuits and gravy at a nothing-but-biscuits-and-gravy place.

Kiss Me I'm Marshmallow

You've done it again, America:



$1 at your local Super Target. While disgusting supplies last. Do you think some poor kid is going to have his first kiss taste like purple horseshoes?

Speaking of disgusting, I went to Borders after taking this photo. My lady was showing me her book selections when I saw a man in the corner of my eye. She said she was ready to leave, and I responded, "We can't leave until I figure out what magazine that guy just kissed."

He was a late 20s - early 30s man in very casual clothes, sweats and sneakers, holding an issue of "M" magazine. I can't be sure which page he kissed, but I don't think I saw him flip the page away from the Miley Cyrus article/photo. Also, he smelled bad. Also, shut it down. Shut all of it down.

Have a good St. Patty's Day this week. Pour some out for our fallen leprechaun.

Feelin' Saucy

Exciting footage from my trip to New Orleans coming soon, but in the meantime, may I ask what is up with all this duck sauce? Why are you giving me all this duck sauce, Chinese restaurants? I don't want your soy sauce packet, and I especially don't want your duck sauce. WAKE UP.

Last Friday Night

Our new restaurant of choice is the recently opened 715. I've still not heard if its proper name is seven-fifteen or seven-one-five; I've opted for the most literal: seven-hundred-and-fifteen. We arrived early Friday night, around 6:30, to beat the crowd, and were promptly seated near the door. A half-liter of the cheap white house wine. For the lady, a simple green salad featuring goat cheese and five thin radish slices, followed by potato tortelli with local bison ragu. I enjoyed the special -- a pan-seared, wild-caught striped bass over broccoli and calabrian chiles -- more than any fish I've ever eaten outside of Oregon.

Despite the allure of the after-dinner drink menu's hot apple cider Tuaca, I convinced Kim to join me for a vanilla vodka and Coke at Henry's Upstairs. Walking along Massachusetts Street, already discussing her dad via an unrelated thing, I told her what he said on the day after Thanksgiving, when I asked his permission to propose.

"Sure."

Her father shared one additional, deceptively simple sentence: "Just make her happy." I apologized for my lack of plans or timeline, and returned to silently chopping vegetables for the turkey soup.

I told Kim all this -- by now we'd trekked to our nearly empty destination, climbed the stairs, accepted our drinks, and sat at the same table where I'd first held her hand -- and I told her how happy she made me, and I asked her to marry me. It took a few moments to convince her to open the box in my left hand instead of looking at it, and me, and smiling.

Coffee Talk

While brunching, I stated that my Kansas City Blend was the best cup of coffee I'd ever had.

Where did you enjoy the best coffee you've ever had?

The best song about coffee I've ever heard is this one.

More Bread Than A Prison Meatloaf

Here is how you don't win the order -- get a large brick of apple bread pudding (which is apparently "famous") and two sausages.

(Kim's hand shown for scale.)

Kim chose a safe eggs benedict plate, so Gav won with a spicy sausage + garlic cheese grits + eggs combo. The best grits he's ever had, he says.

Calvinist Peeology

First, let me stress this is not the BIG EVENT I previously advertised. This is just a cell phone picture I snapped Wednesday morning in the parking lot.


This decal was not slapped on the back windshield of a 1983 Chevy Silverado. This was on the back of a small truck of recent vintage. Some human being loves Pepsi or hates Coca Cola so much that he/she was compelled to purchase and display an outdated meme.

Have you ever heard of Lieutenant Hiroo Onoda?

He had been stationed on Lubang Island in the Philippines when it was overrun by U.S. forces in February 1945. Most of the Japanese troops were slain or captured, but Onoda and several other men holed up in the jungle. The others were eventually killed, but Onoda held out for 29 years, dismissing every attempt to coax him out as a ruse. Finally the Japanese government located his commanding officer, who went to Lubang in 1974 to order Onoda to give up. The lieutenant stepped out of the jungle to accept the order of surrender in his dress uniform and sword, with his rifle still in operating condition.

This decal asshole is like that Japanese soldier, but instead of WWII, he refuses to believe the Cola Wars ended.

Miner Details

I love the new Coors beer ad. Sam Elliott narrates,

"In 1873, Coors Banquet was shipped by stage to places like Durango, Leadville, and Cripple Creek. Thirsty miners demanded a beer made with the best high country barley, and only Rocky Mountain water. Today, our beer is shipped by rail, to places like Memphis, Buffalo, and Sacramento. But one thing hasn't changed: folks still demand a Banquet. Coors: The Banquet Beer"

Ha ha. Hey Coors, I fixed your copy for you:

"In 1873, Coors Banquet was shipped by stage to places like Durango, Leadville, and Cripple Creek. Thirsty miners demanded a beer made with the best high country barley, and only Rocky Mountain water that would get them so drunk they would forget the tedium of their work, the ache in their backs, and the overwhelming sadness in their hearts. Today, our beer is shipped by rail, to places like Memphis, Buffalo, and Sacramento. But one thing hasn't changed: folks still demand a Banquet cheap way to get fucked up. Coors: The Banquet Beer"

A Snack Strong Production

I realize that, as a 61 year-old man with a creaky knee and a pension, I'm not in their target demographic. I'm just on their mailing list because I twenty years ago I telephoned Ticketmaster so I could my second daughter could go to the New Kids On The Block "Hangin' Tough" tour with her buddy Jamie.

But golly, what in tarnation is going on here?



I need a world wide web camera, corn chips, and my AOL CD? And then the Big Boy and Blinks 182 will come play at the county fair?

It reminds me of a Simpsons episode from 1995 -- one I watched with my oldest son when he was home from Penn State for the summer:

[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]

Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.