Cause For New Alarm

I bought my alarm clock in 1997 before I went off to college. On the first day of class, the alarm went off early. I turned it off and went back to sleep. Shawn, my roommate, never heard it, and therefore overslept and missed his first collegiate class.

A few weeks ago, the power blinked, and ol' Clocky went haywire.

I think it was turning into a Predator?

RIP, Clocky the clock. Your alarm may not have been used in years, but your nightlight was still a pretty neat feature, and knowing the time in the middle of the night remains a very important role of Clockies everywhere.

Foot Wear And Tear

This is going to look like I'm grasping at blogging straws, but bear with me for a moment.

This is a pair of shoes I bought from American Eagle (I didn't even know they sold shoes! My girlfriend thought we should check it out.) in a Minnesota mall in 2002:

Kinda gross, right? The inner lining is falling apart. There is a small stain on the top of the left one due to some rogue raw egg that spilled out of a trash bag. Both heels have cuts, and small bits of gravel often find there way inside there, causing my shoe to sound like a rattle until I pry them out. The left one has an additional huge hole busted out, and some tar or something hardened in the treads. Both soles are heavily worn.

I still wear this pair of shoes to work once or twice a week.

I have nicer brown shoes, but these are more comfortable. Remember my toe spasms? They are gone, but I still have some issues with that leg. For one thing, my right calf muscle twitches more or less constantly. But the more relevant part of the nerve damage makes my right foot is a bit numb, and it doesn't like being confined in a tight sock or shoe.

My American Eagle faux Doc Marten shoes are kinda wide, so my foot tolerates them a little better.

And you thought this post wasn't going to be interesting. Heh heh, you idiot.

So I don't love any of my shoes right now, from a comfort standpoint. And I haven't purchased any new shoes since cancer, because it feels pretty unsatisfying to drop $50 on footwear that feels bad.

The Rest Of The Story

So we all watched this Super Bowl ad with Paul Harvey and pictures of farmers and farms and TRUCKS



It's garbage. I mean, in the sense that it's playing to our sense of an America that no longer exists in an attempt to sell HARDWORKING TRUCKS, it's garbage, but it's also garbage because have you ever met a farmer? There are plenty of farmers who are assholes, you know? If Paul Harvey never met a farmer he didn't like, then Paul Harvey didn't meet too many farmers.

The YouTube comments are superior, as usual:

Sadly, this ad was a slap in our face. These men are gone and the devil has taken over. I grew up on a tractor in Kansas in the 80's and I will tell you the farmer is gone and the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is gone. It is just a matter of time before the Communists win. They beat Russia in 1917 and the Beat the USA in 2008. Americans will be slaughtered just like the Russians were and there is nothing we can do about it. The Jews win!

FORD = JUNK ford will sacrifice your life in the name of a better ride using low air pressure in a tire because ford refuses to test tires like DODGE and GM

God made breasts on women to feed those fine kids that grow up to be farmers. Respect the breasts !

"He'll stay up all night with a baby colt, and watch it die, and dry his eyes and say 'maybe next year'"- The story of the Ravens in the playoffs. Today is tomorrow.

i dont see why people love this commercial soo much....HIS SPEECH HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH AUTOMOBILES!..commercial was awful...now if the commercial had something to do with farming..then it would be a different story

Cube Lube

One fun thing about being near the HIV prevention staff is hearing one of them say, "Oh good, we got more condoms and lube" upon peeking into a nearby cubicle.

And then you have an 8:00 a.m. debate about the sensual lubricant marketers' need to describe their product is "Super long-lasting" -- as if "super" can really describe time.

Liveblog Madness 23

iPhone Siri commercial just aired for the four billionth time. You know, the one where the couple drive from New York City (get a rope) to California? And they ask Siri so many things, including, "What does Orion look like?"

ORION? The constellation that EVERYONE knows? I would argue it is even easier to find than the other constellation even children can pinpoint, the Big Dipper.

I switched away from Iowa State/UConn to see why Colorado was leading UNLV, and now I see UConn is only down 6 with 7 minutes left. Hubris, Cyclones! You should have watched Moby Dick or Jaws last night to get in the right mindset instead of Rudy or Chariots of Fire or whatever.

Sometimes I look at Colorado and think, "Hey, it's that hippie college from the Big XII North that's pretty harmless! Go those guys!" before remembering they are in another conference now, still suck, and still pick fights with cops.

Television Roundup - Winter 2012

Television shows I’m currently making time to view, in order from most consistently enjoyable to less so, bearing in mind that God don’t make no junk but TV networks do, but I don’t watch no junk unless it happens to be what Kim wants to watch while I occupy myself online:


Archer
This shouldn’t be a surprise, since it’s written by the same guy who created Sealab 2021, and I own all those DVDs.


Parks & Recreation
Aside from its general hilariousness, it’s got even more going for it. You can count on some physical comedy from Chris Pratt, and the show almost always puts you in a happy mood.


Happy Endings
Very snappy dialogue, an no shortage of puns, unique abbreviations, and fun phrases. I think of Damon Wayans saying, “Daddy likes a deep tuck” every time I don an undershirt.


Delocated
The most recent episode centered on potato skins. A full half-hour of television. Absurd without being aggressively absurd, a la Tim & Eric.


30 Rock
Still strong.


Chopped (via DVR)
You can fly through a recorded episode in 35 minutes, skipping over the inter-chef and judge chit-chat that makes it unwatchable live. If the producers would stop forcing the contestants to constantly mention their personal “hook” -- my mother died, I’m trying to win for her, etc etc -- I’d have no complaints. Well, except maybe the dessert round, give those guys 10 additional minutes so they can BAKE, yo! French toast ain’t no goddamned dessert!!


Top Chef
We should probably DVR this as well, but it’s a Wednesday night tradition.


An Idiot Abroad
Makes you feel good about your limited vacations.


SNL
At its worst, still funnier than 90% of television.


The Office
At its worst, still funnier than 89% of television.


The Soup
Inessential, but a breezy way to spend 30 minutes.


The Walking Dead
I suppose it’s a good sign that there’s only one show I watch to mock, and I suppose it’s higher quality trash than reality shows on Bravo or TLC. So, good for me?


Conan (via DVR)
Daily Show (first 10 or 20 minutes)
CBS This Morning 
The usual schedule is record Conan, watch the Daily Show’s first segment or two before bed, then wake up and see what Charlie Rose is talking about. Charlie Motherfucking Rose is in the house! CBS is in serious danger of airing a news program in the morning, with no chuckling between annoying weathermen and softball-question-lobbing anchors. If I don’t care to hear the latest news, I watch Conan’s previous night’s monologue while eating cereal.



*  *  *

Television greivances, in no particular order:


Arby’s spokesman that sings “It’s Good Mood Fooooooood!”
Soaring higher on my list of Most Punchable Humans. Also, no it isn’t. There’s a reason why The Simpsons coined the phrase, “I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s.”


The Bud Light Platinum advertising campaign
Would someone inform the idiots at Anheiser-Busch that the people who drink Bud Light DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW THEIR BEER TASTES?! You won the light domestic beer battle. That’s not a compliment, but it seems to be a fact. Anyway, you can stop innovating. Just keep pumping out the same old swill and your loyal customers will drink it.


The low-rent cable ads, especially during Comedy Central programming
Dipped strawberries? Just the type product that is best ordered via telephone. Sexytime phone chat lines? In this digital age, I don’t understand how could those still be in business, let alone profitable. Catheters? Yikes. I’ll stick with the strawberries.


The guys Zooey shares an apartment with on “New Girl”
I find them all unlikeable.

Phoney

Old phone, purchased 2006:

We had some good times, old friend. You were tiny, and that was nice. But other than having a small impact on my pocket, you're kind of junk now. Still, stand proud, buddy. Your battery is still quite good, and there isn't a scratch on you! You've earned your retirement. Have fun polluting some river in China.

I'm part of a Sprint family now. New phone, received for birthday 2011:

Time To Dry

Electric hand dryers used to have different instructions printed on them. Nowadays, they just have little pictures next to numbered steps. In olden times, step one said "Push Button", and the second step probably said "Rub Hands Together".

I'm only certain about the first step's text, because every one I ever used had been vandalized to read "Pus Butt".

Bleh Market

I saw these bull/bear cufflinks at Nordstrom yesterday:


They're perfect for the asshole on your Christmas shopping list. Only $150! Buy them now! 47 shopping days left!

Nuts And Gum, Together At Last

Bloomington, Illinois roundup:


No sale. (This stuff looked like chocolate milk, by the way.)


You wouldn't think so from looking at the outside, right? Well, my time inside the "limousine" confirmed that suspicion. Paul F. Tompkins knows about these business naming blunders:

Jokes.com
Paul F. Tompkins - Balloon Shopping
comedians.comedycentral.com
Funny Jokes Funny Videos Daniel Tosh Stand-Up

Tray Not Cool

I don't care how many customer ratings say otherwise - this is a stupid way to make nachos.

Gee, Mail!

As you're aware, the internet continues to grow exponentially, and will soon collapse under its own weight.

Case in point: Google Mail. I hastily adapted my university email prefix into my current Yahoo! address back when things were different (before 9/11) (literally). Lately, I've been thinking about upgrading to GMail, but wasn't sure what username to adopt.

So I began to explore my options. My name? Taken. Common variations on my name? Taken. Current Yahoo! username? Taken.

Hmm. This is a very popular electronic mail system!


What if I picked a username that early-adopter types would disagree with?

NPRsucks@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about an outdated phrase -- one so unused that I can't remember how to spell it?

pantyraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!
pantieraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about an intentionally misspelled outdated phrase?

pantryraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a nonsense lyric from disc 2 of "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness"?

zipperblues@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a nonsense lyric from Extreme's 1991 album "Pornograffitti", NOT taken from the radio hits "More Than Words" or "Hole Hearted"?

getthefunkout@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about random two-word phrases?

epichorse@gmail.com? TAKEN!
hugelife@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about random sounds?

whoaohoh@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about the tagline from a somewhat forgotten film released just weeks ago?

whoissalt@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about gmail.com backwards?

moc.liamg@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a sentence no one could possibly agree with?

ihatetrees@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a difficult-to-spell animated character from Paula Abdul's 1989 "Opposites Attract" music video?

MCSkatKat@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a religious slant?

saintsebastian@gmail.com? TAKEN!
thepope@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a random two-word phrase that really sucks?

bellyfresh@gmail.com? AVAILABLE!!!


Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a new gmail account! (Not really.)

Kiss Me I'm Marshmallow

You've done it again, America:



$1 at your local Super Target. While disgusting supplies last. Do you think some poor kid is going to have his first kiss taste like purple horseshoes?

Speaking of disgusting, I went to Borders after taking this photo. My lady was showing me her book selections when I saw a man in the corner of my eye. She said she was ready to leave, and I responded, "We can't leave until I figure out what magazine that guy just kissed."

He was a late 20s - early 30s man in very casual clothes, sweats and sneakers, holding an issue of "M" magazine. I can't be sure which page he kissed, but I don't think I saw him flip the page away from the Miley Cyrus article/photo. Also, he smelled bad. Also, shut it down. Shut all of it down.

Have a good St. Patty's Day this week. Pour some out for our fallen leprechaun.

Cisco & Transco

A few weeks ago I was in a post-asleep, pre-awake purgatory where all I could think about was the Cisco commercial starring Ellen Page and two group of schoolchildren shouting "hello" in Chinese to each other. An endless cycle of NI HAO!!!!! It was unpleasant.

I guess Cisco advertises because no one knows what they do. Routers? What does that even mean? I always think of the Simpsons episode that shows an email transmission -- it travels through Patty and Selma's fiber optic cable, makes a brief stop at a Cisco router, and continues on to Artie Ziff's computer.


Anyway, no one knows what Cisco does, so it only makes sense that they recruit the world's most famous actress, Hard Candy star Ellen Page, to portray herself. She visits various settings in a small Canadian town, and is wowed by how Cisco connects them to the world. She visits this classroom, and sees a video conference set up between the Canadian kids and a school in China.

The Canadian kids are super excited to see their Chinese counterparts. Being the polite maple leafers they are, they greet the Chinese with a hearty "NI HAO!!!!!"

The kids in China respond by shouting "NI HAO!!!!!".

Uh, China? Pretty fucking rude, guys. According to the zero fact checking I've done, you don't own Canada like you own the U.S., and you haven't defeated Canada in a great war. Show some respect and greet them in English! Or even better, in Canadian: "Howdy, eh?".

And now, even though I've explained it all in perfect detail, I will embed the commercial in question below. Ellen and Cisco went through all that work to get this out to the people, and I'm honored to be the first website ever to social media the shit out of it:

Antiques!

Whew! I've really dropped the blogging ball around here, huh? You know, they should call the blogging ball the blogosphere! Right? Am I right, folks?

The sun was out today, so my lady and I celebrated by hitting the library, the grocery store, and the antique mall. I didn't find any unorthodox paintings of Christ this time, but there were a few other notable items:


This framed print of a doggie wearing human clothes was $27, but it came with a similar framed print of non-bespectacled doggies wearing human clothes.


Less reasonably priced? These cassettes. Just because The Spin Doctor's tape is a quarter cheaper than the Steve Winwood one does not mean you're getting a bargain. These were next to a bunch of $2 VHS tapes. Get these things out of the antique mall and into the junk mall, right? Am I right, folks?


It's the only gynecology I like.

The 2nd edition is a good antique, sure, but the real hard-to-find text is the first edition of Impractical Gynecology.

2009 Recap - Albums

Purchased or heard 2009 albums, from most enjoyable to least:

Franz Ferdinand - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand
M Ward - Hold Time
Neko Case - Middle Cyclone
An Horse - Rearrange Beds
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Tegan and Sara - Sainthood
U2 - No Line on the Horizon
Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster
Samantha Crain & the Midnight Shivers - Songs in the Night

//--** Line of Met Expectations **--\\

Monsters of Folk - s/t
Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away


* * *

Prior to 2009, I had bought very little music online. Throughout the year, I spent $69.27 on mp3 files via Amazon and Lala - four single tracks and the following albums:

Franz Ferdinand - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand
U2 - Joshua Tree (Remastered)*
U2 - No Line on the Horizon*
Samantha Crain & the Midnight Shivers - Songs in the Night
John Fogerty - The Ultimate John Fogerty / Creedence Collection (Remastered)*
Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away*
Monsters of Folk - s/t*
Zombies - Odessey & Oracle*
Tegan and Sara - Sainthood
Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster
Spoon - Kill the Moonlight*
Spoon - Girls Can Tell*

*denotes sale price - from $2.99 to $5.99, but usually right at $3.99

I bought An Horse's "Rearrange Beds" for $10 at their concert.

Very early in the year, I visited a local independent record shoppe to purchase Neko Case's "Middle Cyclone". I chose to purchase the physical CD because I knew I could get 10% off through a sort-of advertised sale. I paid about $14.

Prior to 2009, I wouldn't have thought much of paying $14 for a new (and very good) CD like this, but the transaction left a bad taste in my mouth. Amazon had Neko's digital album on sale for $5 during most of the year. I like records stores as much as the next person, but I can't justify spending more than double to keep them in business.

Similarly, I can't figure out what these businesses are doing with their stock of used CDs. The CD is still alive, its death is near. In a world where only a small minority want a new CD, very few people are interested in used CDs. Used CDs are junk. Consumers, myself included, are happy to part with discs in exchange for less clutter around the home and cents on the dollar -- we're not really giving up anything anyway, as we've archived the songs on a hard drive.

So if you're a junk salesman, selling junk that you paid $1 for, why does your physical junk cost $8 to $10, the same as iTunes' digital property? Yes, going to a cool record shop and flipping through jewel cases is kind of fun, but it's only fun IF I can find something I want, and IF I'm getting a bargain. Used CDs need to be priced at 5 bucks or less if you expect me to get off the couch to MAYBE find something I want.

Ugh. Anyway, despite these problems, nostalgia coerced me into three used CD purchases in '09:

Liz Phair - Exile in Guyville (Remastered)
Smashing Pumpkins - Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
U2 - Achtung Baby

Thus ends another recap of interest to no one but myself buy hey what do you expect it's my blog yo.

MS Office Sweet

I was MS Powerpointing and found myself in need of an Uncle Sam "I Want You" image. You know, as people do. Taking the chance of a lifetime, I opened the clip art gallery and searched for "Uncle Sam". Success! The iconic old man with the pointing finger popped right up, and was pasted into my very interesting yet informative slide presentation. I was ready for my webinar! And my subsequent suicide!

I stole a moment from my busy workday to research what other search terms resulted in clip art hits:

Uncle Sam = YES
Condom = YES
Monet = YES
Reagan = NO
Jefferson = YES
Gremlin = NO
Omaha = YES
Shank = YES
Gat = NO
Slut = NO
Prostitute = NO
Sexy = KINDA - .wav file of "Sexy Thing"
Time = YES
Sexy Time = NO

Flight Test

I haven't shaved since I fell ill. This toy has been resting next to the TV for some time, taunting me, so:

Air Wolf from chester reboulet on Vimeo.

The RC car I mentioned? It was okay. It could go forward in any direction, but you couldn't turn when moving in reverse. I always thought that was strange.



[Inspiration credit to Annie, whose rare videos are more entertaining and well edited. To wit: this one.]

Work Week - The Office

Here's where make a living:

(Click to enlarge its 5 megapixel glory.)

Who cares if I can't see outside? See all the space I have? There's room for me to sit, and room for a visitor to sit. That's all I need. And all my visitors need. (I have no visitors.)

Let's start with my workstation. See the plastic cup adorned with the Royals logo? I brought that in to hold my drinking water. I like to have a full cup with my lunch, and one more cup during the afternoon shift. People that happen by sometimes see it and talk Royals with me. Strangely, these people know very little about the Royals, but I guess it's better than talking about the weather.

To the right of the cup you can see my eyeglasses. Remember when I polled you to see which ones I should buy? They're only for reading my computer screen all goddamned day, so when I get up from my chair I like to take them off and give my ol' schnoz a break.

Did you notice my computer's mouse is on the left side of the keyboard? Well, I'm actually right-handed, but I use the mouse with my left hand. That tradition started when my right hand turned claw-ish due to the Playstation+mouse combo. Now I can play all the video games I want, pain free! Thanks, left hand.

On the other side of the keyboard are my Grado SR60 headphones. I bought them via Amazon for about $70 -- it was money well spent. If you're like me, and spend so much time listening to music at work that you don't bust out your nice home stereo system too much, I recommend some nice headphones like these instead of that junk you stick into your ear canal.

Next to those sweet cans is my phone. It's new, but it looks like it was manufactured in 1988. Our voice mail system is a total pain in the ass. Sometimes, when callers hang up at a certain point in the leave-a-message process, a message is recorded anyway -- it is just a lot of white noise and clicks, and you can hear other people's voices, and you can hear the voice mail lady robot voice. It can go on for 10 seconds or 10 minutes. Every time I hear it, I think of TRON.

If you really zoom in you can see a robot-shaped pencil sharpener, a gift from my sweet lady, between the phone and my electric stapler. You put the pencil into his chest, and as you twist and sharpen it, the robot winds up. As the robot unwinds, he marches. I like to keep his arms pointing straight up in the air, to remind me of the robot on Conan that would raise its arms as it sat on the toilet and made robot poops.

Above the phone, you can see that I have a habit of pulling the overhead cabinet door out as far as possible. It's to block the light from some overhead bulbs that would otherwise shine in my eyes as I'm looking at my screen. Are you loving my cubicle yet? Do you love it?

On the back shelf, you can see that I keep a lot of mugs around. I like to drink 2 cups of tea in the morning -- usually green tea, using the same tea bag for each cup, but sometimes black tea.

I also keep some Cherry Coke Zero back there. It's pretty solid. I like to drink mine cold. Also in view are a bag of pretzels and a cylinder of raisins. I bring the big bags into the office instead of rationing each day's portion in a plastic baggie. You're welcome, Earth.

You can see my keys and my phone to the right of the pantry. I keep my phone on vibrate. As far as I can tell, I am definitely the only person in the office who does this. Sometimes, I might go TWO HOURS without glancing at my phone, callous acts which sometimes result in the world ending.

This concludes my cubicle tour. Later this week - a photo of another part of my workplace!

WWJD? JKL? OMG! LOL! ROTFL!

I peeked at Anastasia's blog the other night and read the entries, which are (almost?) exclusively funny and/or embarrassing anecdotes. I thought about my little website here, and wondered why it's been so long since I've written my own true yet funny story. Was I in a happenstance drought?

Well friends, the very next day something amazing happened. I drove east on 9th street in unusually dense traffic; after some lane shuffling, a vanity license plate was revealed: JKLIVIN.

Indecipherable to many fortunate souls, I knew its true meaning. A few years back, for reasons unknown, I watched Oprah interview Matthew McConaughey. Matthew related a tale about insomnia. He couldn't get to sleep in his master bedroom, so he decided to go into one of his mansions many other bedrooms and give sleep a shot there. Oprah reacted as if he were transcendental. Sleeping in a different room! She'd never thought of that!

She was similarly impressed by his mantra, "JKL", "Just Keep Livin'", because she's retarded, and didn't know it was simply a line given to McConaughey's character Wooderson in 1993's "Dazed and Confused":

"Let me tell you this, the older you do get, the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You gotta just keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N."

Mr. McC parlayed the success of the film and his rockin' upper bod into riches, and used those riches to start a "lifestyle" website, which we commoners refer to as a "clothing" store. If you have some time (you're on the internet reading a blog -- you've got the time), you should check out their wares. There's a visor ("j.k. livin visors are for those who need a little shade on their face but want a little sun on their hairline. It's camo colored for the troops."), a thermal onesie ("'Cause it's never too soon for kids to start livin."), and even places to share what J.K. Livin' means to you:

The beauty of j.k. livin is that it’s more than just a saying or a slogan. It’s a way of being…a positive outlook on life that extends across all cultures…it has no boundaries. Each individual, no matter where you’re coming from or where you’re going, has an opportunity to own the j.k. livin mantra.
-Leslie Gialamas

or stories of how you swapped J.K. Livin' gear:


Australian outback 2007 - Swapped an aboriginal my jkl t-shirt for taking the time to tell me a story about his ancestry.
-Matthew McConaughey

So it turns out that funny things do still happen to me, because I saw the JKLIVIN tag on the car driven by a chick delivering Domino's pizza. Just keep livin', baby! For the troops! Keep up that positive outlook, citizen, and pretty soon you'll find yourself in the Australian outback, swapping sweat shop products for history lessons. Or maybe just delivering slightly better pizza at Papa John's Pizza Hut Little Caesar's literally any other pizza chain.


(P.S. folks - you could have been aware of JKLIVIN.com back in October if you regularly checked my Shared Items site. Bookmark it.)