Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana

Today someone cleaned their cubicle with a Corporate Express (Staples) aerosol cleaning spray. It initally smelled like oranges, and gradually the olfactory cloud spoiled.

What I'm trying to say is: it literally smelled like vomit at work today.

* * *

Worse guy in the adjacent bathroom stall: sighing loudly, or talking on his phone?

Holiday Embarrassments

Although participation has dwindled in recent attempts, I want to do this contest again.

The contest was inspired by an experience of Jack Serpentine. When watching Thanksgiving Day football, a future in-law called Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and Campbell's Chunky Soup enthusiast Donovan McNabb "a humble Negruh". Since that fateful holiday, I have solicited similar stories of holiday embarrassments.

Your relatives' comment could be casually racist, ignorant, or just plain sad. Enter the quote into the comments below, are you are eligible to win! But you'd better bring your A-game, because Shawn's grandpa is super, super, super-duper racist.

Coffee Talk

While brunching, I stated that my Kansas City Blend was the best cup of coffee I'd ever had.

Where did you enjoy the best coffee you've ever had?

The best song about coffee I've ever heard is this one.

My Scene, Man

Slashfilm talked about their favorite movie scenes this week, so let's talk about that. I love a lot of movie quotes, but a favorite scene should be more than just quotes.

One contender is Paul Rudd, acting like I do whenever I am asked to do anything.



Or maybe I should be thinking of scenes that are well-choreographed? Like the fight scene from Oldboy?



Or one of the great tracking shots in Children of Men?



Obviously, there are a lot of scenes to pick from. I invite you to share a scene in the comments.

Office Decor Cubed

I don't post these often, but here's another thing someone has hung in their cubicle, in plain sight for those walking by, for the last 6+ years:



Appropriate? Or Clive Clemons Inappropriate Response Channel? Would the gender of the responsible party influence your decision?

(My only regret about this recurring feature is that I was unable to photograph the cubicle full of elephant figurines before the weirdo was shitcanned.)

The Contest Is Over

I know I said the contest would run until Friday, but it won't. It's over. Shawn won, because his relative asked if he wanted a helping of dark meat because he supported Obama. That's the only offensive or ignorant comment I heard about. Good job, everybody. Wait, no, it was not a good job. It was a job that no one applied for. For which no one applied. And now that goddamn "I tried to do handstands for you" song is playing over the iPod Nano commercial. Fuck it all.

Relative Remarks

ATTENTION READERS!

The Thanksgiving holiday brings with it my fledgling, second annual contest. I'm altering the competition this season, so please reacquaint yourself:


OBJECTIVE

Document the most offensive or ignorant comment spoken by a relative during your holiday interactions.


CLARIFICATIONS AND EXAMPLES

The categories are wide open. While "Offensive" is generally meant to describe racist comments, it is open to interpretation, and may skew based on your politics. "Ignorant" is also purposefully ambiguous.

If your uncle calls the president-elect the N-word, the comment unequivocally qualifies as "Offensive".

If your uncle calls the president-elect a muslim, the comment is "Ignorant", but may qualify for "Offensive" bonus points.

If your mom asks "what's a 'Mad Men'?", the comment is unequivocally "Ignorant".


RULES

1.> The comment(s) must originate from a relative or family friend old enough to know better.

2.> Baiting your relatives is encouraged. Tornado Slide recommends breaching the topic of universal health care.

3.> To participate, please post the qualifying comment(s) in the comment section below, or email the comment to me. Please include a brief background (my grandfather fought in WWII, my family is from Oklahoma, etc.)

4.> Submissions will be accepted through Friday, December 5.

5.> Awards will be given for both the "Offensive" and "Ignorant" category.

6.> I am the boss.


GOOD LUCK, KIDS!

Questionable Lyrics

Here's another lyric game. Guess the artist/song that each question belongs to.

1. Am I wrong? Have I run too far to get home?

2. Does anybody know a way that a body could get away?

3. Did I miss out on you?

4. How do you do it - make me feel like I do?

5. Has anybody wasted tears on loneliness that everyone becomes when they're not alright?

6. You don't know which page to turn to, do you?

7. Do they just mean to be mean?

8. Hows' your boy been?

9. Oh can you feel it? Do you believe it?

10. Is there another reason for your stain?

11. How dare you?! How old are you now, anyway?

12. Will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past?

13. What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me?

14. Where'd you get your information from, huh? D'ya think that you can front when revelation comes?

15. Do you take plight on my tongue like lead? Do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?

16. Don't you think that you need somebody? Don't you think that you need someone?

17. Have you seen your mother, girl? Has she gone away?

18. Who was I to come between a whore and her money?

19. Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

20. If you could make everybody poor so that you could be rich, would you do it?

21. Could we leave before it gets bad?

22. You really think you're in control?

23. Where do I go to fall from grace?

24. Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?

25. Where have all my friends gone?

Did Jesus Leave The Oven On?

This caught my eye when Kim and I were in the antique mall last weekend (yes, really). I like to call this painting "Confused Jesus".


I like to imagine why Jesus looks so confused.

"Thomas wants to put his hands WHERE?!"

"Did you say five loaves and two fish, or two loaves and five fish?"

And so on. I invite you to post your own ideas in the comments. But remember, you're never going to beat my favorite:

"Why do I let bad things happen to good people?"

Let It Read

I'm soliciting suggestions for my summer reading list.

Please leave a comment including the title of a favorite book and a short (or long) note explaining why I would also love it.

Bonus points if it's readily available free (via loan or library) or used.

It's this or borrow Kim's Jane Austen collection. Help.

Tune That Name

(UPDATE: Artist names have been added to aid your guessing.)

I used to post these things on Facebook, but Facebook notes are awkward. So here we are.

This is a list of proper names taken from the lyrics of my music library. If you can identify the which song the name(s) belong to, leave a note in the comments.

HISTORICAL FIGURES
1. Anastasia screamed in vain
2. Martin Van Buren, a former president and an abolitionist; James Buchanan, a moderate; Lewis Cass, a general and expansionist. (They Might Be Giants)
3. Chairman Mao
4. son of Tricky Dicky (John Lennon)

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
5. we can live like Jack and Sally if we want (Blink 182)
6. Billy Shears
7. Kitty Pryde
8. Superman or Green Lantern ain't got nothing on me

POP CULTURE ICONS
9. Yo, plug me in just like I was Eddie Harris
10. the night Sinatra died and the night Jeff Buckley died and the night Kurt Kobain died and the night John Lennon died
11. John Coltrane and the Love Supreme (U2)
12. march down the street like the Duracell Bunny
13. Yoko brought her walrus (Ricky Nelson)
14. I'm Steve McQueen, I'm Jimmy Dean (REM)

GODS
15. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama

WOMEN
16. me and Suzie had so much fun
17. Suzanne, the plans they made put and end to you
18. a bitch named Mandy May (Dr. Dre)

MEN
19. a roadie named Bart
20. I don't know you from Adam
21. I'm done with Sergio
22. Little Joe was blowing on the slide trombone (Elvis Presley)
23. sarcastic Mister Know-It-All (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
24. Mister Beer Belly (Paul Simon)
25. Sir Hand, or was it ma'am? (They Might Be Giants)

Halftime Heartbreakers

[This email discussion is several weeks old. It will become more relevant as we near Super Bowl Sunday. Also, prepare yourself for an onslaught of "Tom Petty's face in high definition" jokes.]

* * *

I'm listening to some Petty today in anticipation of his Super Bowl Halftime performance. Normally, artists perform about 3 songs during the break, and I'm trying to determine which 3 he (and the Heartbreakers) will
select.

Right now I'm leaning toward the upbeat numbers:

1. American Girl (obvious, and the only real lock)
2. Running Down a Dream (fits in well with the dream of winning the Lombardi trophy)
3. You Wreck Me (shows America more recent Petty, doesn't mention anything about "the gates of hell" or "mary jane", so it's safe for the TV audience.)

Give me your 3 choices.

--dn

* * *


great question...

unfortunately for the purposes of discussion, i think you nailed it. and it's not like i'm rusty on my petty...i just took in the 4-hr documentary over the weekend. although, You Wreck Me is now something like 13 years old, so if he's gonna throw a new one in i'm guessing it would be Saving Grace or Big Weekend (which i think may easily be the weakest TP song ever, but he likes it and it's thematically appropriate).

other possibilities:
You Got Lucky (badass)
I Need To Know (a rocker)
Honey Bee (a badass rocker)
I Won't Back Down (gates of hell notwithstanding, this has to be a frontrunner)
Free Fallin (his biggest hit and essentially the verses are a slice of americana on par with the coug)

i will definitely ponder this one...

~jeff

* * *


As a tangent, I think the most unlikely three (popular) songs are:

1.> Last Dance with Mary Jane
2.> You Don't Know How it Feels
3.> Stop Draggin' My Heart Around (with Stevie Nicks)

--dn

* * *


i'll throw out It's Good To Be King as a least likely choice...i'm sure the NFL wants no mention of dogs (even if it's about them getting wings...as opposed to mercilessly ripping each other to shreds)...

~jeff

* * *


This is a tough question, but here's my best guess of how the sequence will go:

1) Running Down a Dream = Even though the baseball playoffs from a few years ago killed this song, he's still opening with it.

2) Learning to Fly = This is my sleeper pick. Even though this song can be interpreted in a way that NBC would probably not approve of, I think Tom will still want to bring it down a notch before he gets to.....

3) American Girl = Obvious ending. Although, I think they should be required to show the scene from "Silence of the Lambs" where this song was used on the Jumbotron while it's being played. Nothing says "America's greatest sporting event" like images of Buffalo Bill on a Jumbotron.

--paul

* * *


You both have pretty much hammered out the three most likely possibilities (I think: American Girl, Saving Grace, Free Fallin'); therefore I will throw out my three Least Expected Tunes.

1.) Crawling Back to You -The un-PC Indian shooting out the lights would cause an uproar in the Southwest.
2.) Don't Come Around Here No More -A good song, yes. But to let this 5:00 song drag out for half of halftime would be half foolish.
3.) Girl on LSD -no comment necessary

--gav

The Amazing Racists

For the second consecutive Thanksgiving season, Tornado slide will be the premier a destinaton for holiday-weary souls to relate embarrassing, awful situations involving their racist relatives.

My readers are few, but the competition should prove tremendous. I believe three -- THREE! -- readers will be spending part of their holiday in Oklahoma, the home of casual racism. (That should be on the OK license plate: "The Home of Casual Racism".) A previous winning story originated in Oklahoma: years back, before the blog, Jack Serpentine heard an Oklahoman's describe Donovan McNabb as "a humble Negro"... and the Oklahoman MEANT IT AS A COMPLIMENT.

Post your horrific tales in the comments. Prizes will be awarded for both direct and latent racism.

Early Favorites

[NOTE: Shawn would be higher, but I'm not sure if he will be visiting his racist grandpa.]

Jack Serpentine / V (Oklahoma) - 3:2

My Cousin Brian (Oklahoma) - 1:2

Bag / Sarah (Oklahoma) - 1:3

Shawn (Grandpa) - 1:5

Corinne (Bumper-sticker-conservative father) - 1:20

Barbara (German father) - 1:25


Heavy Underdogs

Matt (in Spain, alone) - 1:1000

Dougal (in Britain, being British) - 1:5000

Inside The Blogger's Studio: Part Four

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

If talent is not an issue, I would most like to write for Conan or Letterman. I wouldn't mind interviewing the guests, too, but the monologue and the rest of it doesn't appeal to me as much.

What profession would you not like to do?

Any job in a nursing home, especially if it has an Alzheimer's unit.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Nothing. I just want Him to shrug His shoulders.

Inside The Blogger's Studio: Part Three

What sound or noise do you love?

When a crowd cheers in anticipation, e.g. the top of the ninth inning of a home game.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Generally speaking, anything that I'm not able to turn off or turn down, especially if it repeats at irregular intervals. Snoring is a specific example.

Inside The Blogger's Studio: Part Two

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

I like meeting and interacting with people, especially people who put effort into entertaining me, from friends to comedians to musicians.

Also, lots and lots of attention.

What turns you off?

Interpersonal conflict.

What is your favorite curse word?

When I'm watching a favorite sports team screw up, I like to say "FUCKINGSONOFABITCHBASTARD!"

I like "assbag", but I couldn't say why.

I use "fuck" the most.

Inside The Blogger's Studio: Part One

What is your favorite word?

Intercalary (adj.)

1.

1. Inserted in the calendar to make the calendar year correspond to the solar year. Used of a day or month.
2. Having such a day or month inserted. Used of a year.

2. Inserted between other elements or parts; interpolated.

I fell in love with it during Organismic Biology -- grasses have intercalary meristems.

What is your least favorite word?

I think a lot of people interpret this question incorrectly -- men in particular. Men tend to respond with words they hate to hear women say. "Random." "Shady." "Whatever."

There are definitely words that I can't stand to hear certain people say; there's a coworker that uses the word "sammich" instead of "sandwich", and boy do I hate that. But "sammich" isn't really a word, so I don't think that counts, either.

And I hate the way that some words are used. If I'm reading the sports page, for example, and a story notes that "the Cleveland defense was raped for over 600 yards", I cringe.

But I think what the question is REALLY getting at isn't a word's meaning or how it's used or who's saying it. Just the word itself.

In that case, I choose "pleat", a word with no appeal whatsoever.

The Other Archives - Craigslist Follies

Back in 2005, Heather forwarded me a funny Craiglist post:

LA GUY SEEKS MN GIRL - 28

HI I NEED A WIFE. I WANT BABIES SOON. ANY LADIES INTERESTED IN A MN BOY WHO
MOVED TO LA?

I'm 6/2 190 blond blue, etc. No fatties. Good genes please.

Two years later, Heather's follow-up question remains unanswered: What does this guy mean by "etc."?

Any Other Name

This week, at work, I met someone in person for the first time, and I was surprised to see a wedding ring on her hand. Why? Because her first name matches her surname so perfectly, I assumed it was crafted.

There are a few possible explanations for the discrepancy:

1. She chose not to take her husband's name.

2. Her husband's last name was the single deciding factor in her decision to marry.

3. She hired pharmaceutical executives -- the guys that turn "terbinafine hydrochloride" into "Lamisil" and brand "herpes cream" as "Abreva" -- to create an identity, and changed her name accordingly.

As a result of this experience, I'm thinking about names, and the huge impact they have. What if L.L. Bean had been named Paul Ulysses Bean? Would Britain have rallied behind Gary Churchill? Who had history's most perfect name? Besides Max Power and Lois Lane, what are the most perfect fictional names?

Hey Glasses! Continued

First, let me say that I know this is terribly exciting, and a totally worthwhile use of your time, and not at all stupid or boring.

Now. Between the comments left on the blog and the notes emailed to me, BCBG whole is the front-runner, followed closely by Columbia. I am not certain which I will choose. But that's okay, because I'm also uncertain as to when the shop is open, and when I can go to buy these motherfuckers.

Corinne took a few wide shots of the leading candidates before we decided to zoom in. Here's a final look at the leading candidates, accompanied by my imagined life wearing each pair:

BCBG WHOLE

--"Hey brah!"

--"Hey."

--"Nice Vans."

--"Thanks. Skate or die, dude."

--"What kind of deck are you rockin'?"

--"Oh, no -- I actually don't skate. I just wear Vans. Running shoes make my feet hurt."

--"Ah, that's cool, brah. So what's the name of your band?"

--"Oh, yeah -- sorry again, but I'm not actually in a band. I can't even play an instrument."

--"Ah, that's cool, brah. So what level of art history do you teach?"

--"I don't teach. I mean, I get art and everything, but I'm actually not a grad student or a post-doc fellow or anything. Sorry."

--"Mah. Buh. Wha. But. You are headed to the Bourgeois Pig, though, right?"

--"No. I'm actually on my way to the car wash."

--"You have a car?!"

COLUMBIA

--"Hi. My name is Dan."



--"Dan, your pick-up lines are as boring as your taste in eyewear. You will never see my awesome nude body."



--"My name is Dan."