Harris

Goddamnit, Harris Wittels died today.

If you want to understand my heartbreak, and I don't think you should, but if you want to, listen to his heroin confessional on Pete Holmes' podcast, which was one of my favorite few hours of 2014.

I'll be spending some time pouring over his old appearances - Analyze Phish killed a lot of time for me while I waited for PET scans in 2011. Goddamnit.

Let's Go Crazy With Copyright Claims

Hey does anybody remember that time in New Orleans when we saw that great cover band? It's probably pretty hazy, but maybe you remember reading about it on this blog? Maybe it inspired you to visit that very same bar and experience it for yourself?

Well, if it was up to Prince, you never would have enjoyed that and you would have no memory of it.

This is to notify you that, as a result of a third-party notification by Prince claiming that the material is infringing, we have removed or disabled access to the material that appeared at http://www.vimeo.com/10049679.

If you believe that your material has been removed or disabled by mistake or misidentification, please provide VIMEO's Copyright Agent with a written counter-notification containing at least the following information (please confirm these requirements with your legal counsel or see Section 512(g)(3) of the U.S. Copyright Act, 17 U.S.C. 512(g)(3), for more information):

Hey Prince, 7 is a good song and you've made a few other good ones and you can play the guitar real fast but you're pretty much an overrated psychopath.

The Rest Of The Story

So we all watched this Super Bowl ad with Paul Harvey and pictures of farmers and farms and TRUCKS



It's garbage. I mean, in the sense that it's playing to our sense of an America that no longer exists in an attempt to sell HARDWORKING TRUCKS, it's garbage, but it's also garbage because have you ever met a farmer? There are plenty of farmers who are assholes, you know? If Paul Harvey never met a farmer he didn't like, then Paul Harvey didn't meet too many farmers.

The YouTube comments are superior, as usual:

Sadly, this ad was a slap in our face. These men are gone and the devil has taken over. I grew up on a tractor in Kansas in the 80's and I will tell you the farmer is gone and the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is gone. It is just a matter of time before the Communists win. They beat Russia in 1917 and the Beat the USA in 2008. Americans will be slaughtered just like the Russians were and there is nothing we can do about it. The Jews win!

FORD = JUNK ford will sacrifice your life in the name of a better ride using low air pressure in a tire because ford refuses to test tires like DODGE and GM

God made breasts on women to feed those fine kids that grow up to be farmers. Respect the breasts !

"He'll stay up all night with a baby colt, and watch it die, and dry his eyes and say 'maybe next year'"- The story of the Ravens in the playoffs. Today is tomorrow.

i dont see why people love this commercial soo much....HIS SPEECH HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH AUTOMOBILES!..commercial was awful...now if the commercial had something to do with farming..then it would be a different story

Last Week In Texts

The following were sent and received Friday, January 28.

* * *

[Note - Matt traveled to Egypt last year.]

dn: I guess you picked the right time to go to Egypt.
Matt: It seems the seeds I planted are starting to grow.
dn: The seeds of discontent? Or your semen?
Matt: Yes.

* * *

Shawn: At Arby's, I just listened to a dad explain to his three children that he is going to jail for a year, and that he wanted this to be a great day to remember while he's away. Touching.

Wheel Watcher

If you want to see my friend Charles on television, tune in tomorrow, December 9, to the game show featuring hangman, a giant disc, and a useless old lady.

If you have any questions about his episode or the show in general, leave them in the comments and I will try to get him properly interviewed.

Giant Mistakes

Sometimes we would head over to my grandparent's place on Sundays. We'd usually hang out in the basement with everyone, the cousins playing Nintendo while the adults watched a football game.

One day, my grandma cheered, "Go! Go! Go!" at a New York Giant trying to break free for a long run. I informed her that she was looking at a replay of the previous down, but she didn't mind. Her sentiment remained.

On November 10, that New York Giant was sentenced to 30 years in prison for criminal sexual conduct. And burglary.

So long, Dave Meggett. I'm sure Grandma would take it back if she could.

Tea Party Time

Matt: Is Kentucky serious? Rand Paul?

dn: Hard to believe Kentucky would make a bad decision.

Matt: I guess I didn't take the Tea Party seriously. I kinda thought they were joking.

Gee, Mail!

As you're aware, the internet continues to grow exponentially, and will soon collapse under its own weight.

Case in point: Google Mail. I hastily adapted my university email prefix into my current Yahoo! address back when things were different (before 9/11) (literally). Lately, I've been thinking about upgrading to GMail, but wasn't sure what username to adopt.

So I began to explore my options. My name? Taken. Common variations on my name? Taken. Current Yahoo! username? Taken.

Hmm. This is a very popular electronic mail system!


What if I picked a username that early-adopter types would disagree with?

NPRsucks@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about an outdated phrase -- one so unused that I can't remember how to spell it?

pantyraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!
pantieraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about an intentionally misspelled outdated phrase?

pantryraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a nonsense lyric from disc 2 of "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness"?

zipperblues@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a nonsense lyric from Extreme's 1991 album "Pornograffitti", NOT taken from the radio hits "More Than Words" or "Hole Hearted"?

getthefunkout@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about random two-word phrases?

epichorse@gmail.com? TAKEN!
hugelife@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about random sounds?

whoaohoh@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about the tagline from a somewhat forgotten film released just weeks ago?

whoissalt@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about gmail.com backwards?

moc.liamg@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a sentence no one could possibly agree with?

ihatetrees@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a difficult-to-spell animated character from Paula Abdul's 1989 "Opposites Attract" music video?

MCSkatKat@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a religious slant?

saintsebastian@gmail.com? TAKEN!
thepope@gmail.com? TAKEN!


What about a random two-word phrase that really sucks?

bellyfresh@gmail.com? AVAILABLE!!!


Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a new gmail account! (Not really.)

Happy Birthday, Antonio Banderas!!!

True story: today, sitting at my workstation, I thought to myself, "Wait, what time is it? Is it 3:00 yet?" Then I remembered that I hadn't had lunch yet. Because it was 10:00 a.m. It was disconcerting.

I don't know how you spent your workday, but we were a Nasonex bee away from hitting the cycle...



From: Gav
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 9:23 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANTONIO BANDERAS!!!


From: dn
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 9:31 AM




From: BAG
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 10:44 AM

NOOOOOO! TOO SEXY! TOO SEXY!



From: Floyd
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 10:48 AM



From: Alipete
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 1:09 PM

This was the best I could do. I apologize that I am not tech-savvy.




From: Lindsey
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 1:11 PM

I have no idea what's going on. But I'd like it to continue.




From: Floyd
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 12:19 PM



From: BAG
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 12:32 PM

And, of course, no tribute to the Antonio Banderas is complete without a guitar case rocket launcher:




From: dn
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 2:06 PM

10 Fascinating Facts About Birthday Boy Antonio Banderas


From: Gav
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 3:38 PM

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to say Thanks! for a wonderful day of celebration.

It’s not very often that we get to come together to celebrate the life and work of one of the Greatest Spanish, Soccer-Loving Actors of Our Generation.

If anything, I hope today served as a reminder for each of us to:

Slow Down, You move to fast.
You’ve got to make the morning last.
Just… kickin’ down the cobblestones.
Looking’ for fun and Feelin’ Groovy.


From: Floyd
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 3:41 PM

Back at ya, Gav.

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being Climate Controlled

During these dog days, I experience a sort of white guilt regarding my comfort. It's 100 degrees outside, but the only time I experience the heat is on brief walk from my office to my car. I should be begging for the sun to set, but I barely even notice.

* * *

What percent of Facebook's activity is birthday-related?

What would be the most "like"d Facebook status of all time? It has to incorporate a few key subjects. Here's a guess:

"Little Kaden James' surgery was a success, and today the adoption is official! Praise God for shipping my hubby back from Afghanistan in time for this blessed event!"

* * *

Other offensive things about two blocks away from Groundzero, according to Google Maps:

Men's Wearhouse
Party Poopers ("NYC's premier kids'party planning service since 1991 (and that's kids' 0-120)")
Cosi
McDonalds
Starbucks
GNC
Bed Bath and Beyond
Chevy's Fresh Mex
Manhattan Bankruptcy Lawyer Daniel Gershburg
University of Phoenix

Mr Jean Dreams

(click to enlarge)

You're a weird guy, Bill.



* * *


dn: I dreamed I went to your funeral and everyone was wearing jeans. I thought that was pretty disrespectful.

Matt: What the fuck are you talking about?

dn: I am just saying, if you died I would wear a suit out of love and respect for you. Unlike those jeans-wearing yokels in my dream.

Matt: Fuck them. I would wear a panda suit to your funeral.

Matt, standing before the curiously named "Chigger Choker" firework on Independence Day.

Baby Bella

Knowing my authority on baby names, alipete made sure I saw the Times' story on America's most popular baby names. You've probably heard by now that 2009's wise parents most often chose two "Twilight"-related names, Isabella and Jacob.

Well, whatever. You can't really be mad about Jacob. Jacob's always been a popular name, despite all odds. I mean, I could never name my boy Jacob, because I'd be constantly reminded of the Esau/Jacob bible story. What a ridiculous story! Jacob had to wear goatskins to simulate the hairiness of his brother -- gross!

When refreshing my memory of this epic and absurd tale, I read this:

Onlookers named the first עשו, Esau (`Esav or `Esaw, meaning "hairy" or "rough", from Hebrew: עשה‎, `asah, "do" or "make"; or "completely developed", from Hebrew: עשוי‎, `assui).

The second is named יעקב, Jacob (Ya`aqob or Ya`aqov, meaning "heel-catcher", "supplanter", "leg-puller", "he who follows upon the heels of one", from Hebrew: עקב‎, `aqab or `aqav, "seize by the heel", "circumvent", "restrain", a wordplay upon Hebrew: עקבה‎, `iqqebah or `iqqbah, "heel").

Onlookers named these kids? They named them Hairy and Heel-Catcher? And those names were so perfect, they stuck forever? As badly as I'd like to mock mothers for naming a girl Isabella because of their love for a fictional undead metaphor for sexual anxiety, they've got nothing on those old Hebrews.

Chile Dogs

Is it too soon?

I've been saving Matt's Chilean-earthquake-related text in my phone for months now, waiting for time to sufficiently dilute the tragedy. Now, with oil spreading throughout the Gulf of Mexico and Nashville flooded and Boston without water and a car bomb in Times Square, surely it's time to laugh.

"I wonder how many cats got killed -- I bet the dog death toll is catastrophic. They all hang out under stuff that could fall on them."

(For further reading: Matt and I on Chile's coast.)


* * *


We saw "Kick-Ass" two weeks ago, and the trailer for this upcoming Ashton Kutcher / Katherine Heigl vehicle. At the trailer's conclusion, I said, "Ugh! Put it in your mouth!"

Kiss Me I'm Marshmallow

You've done it again, America:



$1 at your local Super Target. While disgusting supplies last. Do you think some poor kid is going to have his first kiss taste like purple horseshoes?

Speaking of disgusting, I went to Borders after taking this photo. My lady was showing me her book selections when I saw a man in the corner of my eye. She said she was ready to leave, and I responded, "We can't leave until I figure out what magazine that guy just kissed."

He was a late 20s - early 30s man in very casual clothes, sweats and sneakers, holding an issue of "M" magazine. I can't be sure which page he kissed, but I don't think I saw him flip the page away from the Miley Cyrus article/photo. Also, he smelled bad. Also, shut it down. Shut all of it down.

Have a good St. Patty's Day this week. Pour some out for our fallen leprechaun.

Ratings

I've been watching since I was able. I planned my first trip to New York City around when I could attend a Late Night taping. It will not surprise you to learn I've been pretty bummed this past week.

Conan signed the agreement to move to The Tonight Show right around the time I started being a professional scientist. 2009 seemed like a long time to wait until I could watch him live without being exhausted the next day. The transition finally came, and it was glorious -- and now all this.

Growing up, my house always watched channel 3, the NBC affiliate's local news. I do not know why. But if the clock struck 9:59 and we were tuned elsewhere, we made a point to get up, MANUALLY turn the channel to NBC, and watch their news. So this current situation with Conan makes no sense to me.

I can't fathom is how this disaster is related to lead-in audiences. The television principal of a lead-in audience states that you need to keep your viewers engaged so that they won't turn the channel, even after their program is over. Ratings go down during Leno's prime time show, so ratings go down for local affiliates' late news broadcasts.

What?!

As usual, I'm left to wonder who the fuck I'm sharing these United States with. When I watched "The Office" and "30 Rock" in the past, I NEVER ONCE stuck around to see what John Stamos was doing on "ER", no matter how many "ER" ads NBC snuck into my programs of interest. This is because digital cable tells you exactly what is on every channel, and because every television manufactured since 1990 comes with a remote control, and because I come with A FUCKING BRAIN IN MY HEAD.

Do I share an America with people that have no interest in finding the show that most matches their interest? Does everyone really just leave the TV set on and hope something good shows up? "Well, I've never seen it before, and I'm not really one for crime procedurals, but I'm gonna give 'The Mentalist' a shot. I'd hate to spend 30 seconds to find something better by using this remote control in my hand."

And let me ask you this, local affiliates? How good are your newscasts? Are you cool?

How LAME IS YOUR SHIT that you have to count on the lead-in show for anyone to tune in? Your broadcasts are the weakest, most stale wastes of broadcast airtime in existence. You never break important stories. YOU SPEND TEN MINUTES DISCUSSING THE WEATHER WHEN YOU COULD DO IT IN TWO MINUTES. Your sports beat has been rendered useless by ESPN. Your EVERYTHING has been rendered useless by the internet.

Listen: I am not a journalist. I could be way off base. But maybe, instead of complaining about the low numbers Leno pulls in, you could THINK OF INNOVATIVE IDEAS TO ATTRACT A DEDICATED AUDIENCE.

Ugh. You are all the worst. Everyone is the worst.

Conan, I miss you already and I hope I see you soon.

Jacko's Backo

Michael Jackson First Artist to Sell Over 1 Million Downloads in a Single Week

Fans flocked to the late popstar’s greatest hits, purchasing a record-breaking 2.6 million Jackson solo recordings and Jackson Five songs, according to Nielsen SoundScan data for the week ending June 28. Jackson also dominated Billboard’s “Comprehensive Album Chart,” which tracks both new albums and older catalog albums — the first time a catalog album has ever scanned more sales than any new album.

The “massively talented boy-man,” as his former collaborator Paul McCartney described the eccentric star, posthumously claimed the top three spots with two greatest hits collections and the legendary Thriller album:

1. Michael Jackson - Number Ones (108K album sales scanned)

2. Michael Jackson - The Essential Michael Jackson (102K)

3. Michael Jackson - Thriller (101K)

4. The Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D. (88K)

You know, Black Eyed Peas, four simple bullets could flip the charts back in your favor.

Think about it. My wallet and Matt's Beretta are here if you need us.

Erie Headlines

A woman at yesterday's meeting was sitting at the table in front of me, paying no attention to the speakers, loudly reading the Buffalo paper. I saw two terrifying headlines:

Why are So Many Women Being Killed in NW New York?
(This was the approximate title on the printed version - the web story is different.)


When Moms Blog, Retailers Listen



Anyway, that's just a glimpse of the experience thus far. Head to Floyd's blog for our lenthy discussion of the Star Trek reboot.

Let's Talk About Sexting

You may have been out of the country. You may be blissfully unaware of current events (like Alipete). Otherwise, you're aware that Americans have only spoken three words in the past month: "Pirate", "Twitter", and "Sexting". This concerns the latter.

1.

You should already be listening Uhh Yeah Dude. Relax about the show's name. Hear me out. Aside from "30 Rock", Uhh Yeah Dude is the weekly program that I most look forward to experiencing. Matt loves it. Camille loves it. Gavin loves it. Join the winning team.

The most recent Uhh Yeah Dude episode discusses the recent study stating 44% of teenage boys have seen a naked cellphone photo of a classmate. (That specific exchange begins at 20:30 in the show, if you'd like to dive in. I recommend AT LEAST dipping your toe with the energy drink discussion at 12:35.)

2.

The most recent Savage Love article expounds on the topic and makes many good points:

America’s current teen-sex panic—it’s always something—is about “sexting,” teenagers sending each other pictures of their sometimes-underage junk, their frequently underage racks, or their young and dimpled/pimpled rear ends. (Oh, if only we could return to the comparatively innocent and entirely fictional days of “rainbow parties”!) Shortly after the kids went crazy for sexting, the authorities went crazy for prosecuting kids for sexting. Take Phillip Alpert, an 18-year-old in Florida who got mad at his girlfriend and forwarded a digital photo of her naked to dozens of her friends and family members.

This Alpert kid (he had only just turned 18) pulled an asshole move—the gaping asshole of moves—and he owes his girlfriend, her friends, and her family an apology, restitution, and a pound of flesh. (And I mean that pound.) A just, proportionate punishment might involve, say, nude pictures of Alpert being displayed on a billboard in Times Square. For a year. Instead, Alpert was convicted of distributing child porn and “sentenced to five years probation and required by Florida law to register as a sex offender,” CNN reports. “You will find me on the registered sex offender list next to people who have raped children, molested kids, things like that,” Alpert told CNN.

A message for concerned parents, outraged school officials, and teen-sex-obsessed prosecutors: We’re gonna have to either make it illegal for teenagers to own camsphonescomputers, or we’re gonna have to give them drugs to delay the onset of puberty until after they’re 18. If we’re unable or unwilling to do those things—technology is hard to contain, and delaying puberty could have unwelcome health consequences (although it would have spared Levi Johnston’s DNA from the ignominy of mixing with the Palins’)—then the intersection of horny teens and newer technologies is going to require us to rethink the simplistic application of laws that criminalize the possession and distribution of sexty (ugh) pictures, particularly in cases where they were created by teenagers, for teenagers.

Yes, Alpert was a douchebag; yes, it was wrong for him to forward that picture to embarrass and humiliate his girlfriend. But if Alpert is a child pornographer and a sex offender, so are millions of today’s teenagers. They’re all e-mailing each other pictures of their junk. Making an example of one unlucky asshole who got caught isn’t going to stop teenagers from sexting each other any more than making an example of hundreds of thousands of unlucky pot smokers stopped people from smoking pot.

3.

I'd normally just link to this stuff at my Google Shared Items page (see also the sidebar at the right under the "Browsing" heading), but I'm pretty sure no one reads that except Nick.

I think I've mentioned every single friend I have now, so it's time to this bird to fly.

King Of Pop (Culture) (And Also, The News)

TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE RECENTLY: This song makes me think of clear Pepsi!

ME: You mean Crystal Pepsi?

TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE RECENTLY: Clear Pepsi.

ME: It was called Crystal Pepsi. And this isn't the song. The song used in the Crystal Pepsi ads was Van Halen's "Right Now".

TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE RECENTLY: Clear Pepsi?

* * *

PAIGE LAST WEEKEND: (Something whimsical about pirates.)

ME: Pirates aren't cool anymore. They're a serious problem.

PAIGE LAST WEEKEND: I don't know what you're talking about.

ME: Modern day pirates wreak havoc off the coast of Somalia.

PAIGE LAST WEEKEND: Huh? Pirates are fun!

* * *

ME: Speaking of reality television shows, such as this not-very-good "High School Reunion" and this advertisement for "The Cougar" and that portion of "18 Kids and Counting" we viewed online, I heard the Octomom was getting her own dating show.

ALIPETE LAST NIGHT: The Octomom?

ME: The Octomom. Nadya Suleman?

ALIPETE LAST NIGHT: Who?

ME: The California woman who had six kids already, and then gave birth to octuplets, and then went on every TV morning and afternoon show?

ALIPETE LAST NIGHT: I sleep until 12:30. I don't watch "Tyra".

ME: You work at the Times! The Octomom!

ALIPETE LAST NIGHT: I don't know who that is.

Sussualamo

dn wrote:

This reads like an Onion article:

Singer Phil Collins finds new passion in the Alamo

SAN ANTONIO - Singer Phil Collins says his new "main thing" is the Alamo.

Collins, who said he has "hundreds" of cannonballs, documents and other artifacts from the Alamo, is in San Antonio this week in conjunction with the anniversary of the March 1836 battle of the Alamo.

The collector and history buff's most prized item is a receipt signed by Alamo commander William Barret Travis for 32 head of cattle used to feed the Alamo defenders.

"Basically, now I've stopped being Phil Collins the singer. This has become what I do," he said in an online story Tuesday for the San Antonio Express-News.

His interest began in his youth when he saw actor Fess Parker portray Davy Crockett.

The 58-year-old singer, whose hits include "In the Air Tonight" and "One More Night," said he has passed on his appreciation for the Alamo lore to his five children, especially his youngest sons, ages 4 and 7.

"My youngest two, they can identify Travis, Crockett and Santa Anna when they see their pictures," he said.

Collins narrated the introduction of a 13-minute "Alamo diorama light and sound show" at the History Shop by the Alamo.

He is scheduled to speak to the Alamo Defenders Descendants Association on Saturday.

Paul wrote:

if he does have hundreds of cannonballs, etc., do you think he keeps them all in one room or building? how weird would it be to be hanging out at phil collins' house, get lost looking for the bathroom, and walk into a room filled with cannonballs from the Alamo?


dn wrote:

I’d really like to know how you can authenticate hundreds of 1836 cannonballs. (Hundreds? What the hell? You grab a handful, okay, cool – but hundreds? Is he trying to get the complete set or something? Somebody should tell him these aren’t 1989 Upper Deck cards.) I think there’s a blacksmith out there who’s made a killing off Collins. “Uh, yeah! I located another mysterious collector, and he’s got 30 more cannonballs to sell you, Phil!”

If you had one or two cannonballs, you could put them in a little glass box, like a signed baseball, and display them in a room with the rest of your Alamo crap. Hundreds, though? And you’re probably keeping them inside, not in a pile on the lawn next to your vintage cannon? Man, I don’t know what you do with them. They must be stacked in little pyramids all over his complex.


Paul wrote:

To be honest, what I would really like to see happen is someone create a theatrical production of the Alamo battle set to the music of Phil Collins/Genesis. You can't tell me that "In the Air Tonight" wouldn't fit perfectly as everyone prepares for the battle the night before. That song killed on the pilot episode of Miami Vice, and would do so here as well.




[end email string]


I have buried the joyous leads here. First, when boiled down to their essence, Genesis (and Phil Collins) will be remembered for three things: a scene from Miami Vice, the Land of Confusion video, and stealing Aimee Mann's Oscar by writing the monkey love theme from Disney's animated Tarzan.

Second, I fully support his obsession with the Alamo, because it means PHIL COLLINS HAS STOPPED SINGING! He said it himself! Awesome. This almost makes up for hearing Another Day in Paradise a billion times.