October Statistics

Spider solitaire
During work
Difficulty level = four suits

Week ending 10/1 - 53 losses
Week ending 10/7 - 24 losses - 2 wins
Week ending 10/15 - 22 losses - 1 win
Week ending 10/22 - 27 losses
Week ending 10/29 - 15 losses - 1 win

Total: 141 losses - 4 wins (2.8%)

Hazard County

You may remember a Dell press release back in early October - they issued a recall of some laptop AC adapters sold between September 1998 and February 2002. Funny story - they're a fire hazard.

Seeing as how I've been living with a fire hazard for the last four years, I applied for a replacement. Curious as to why I had not yet received said replacement, I shot an inquiry to Dell's customer service department. They responded today:

Dell is currently working with the supplier to provide a replacement adapter as soon as possible to everyone affected by the recall. At this time we do not have an estimated ship date; however you will be notified via e-mail when your adapter is shipped.

Pretty cool, Dell. Take your time. Oh, and could you maybe work with a DIFFERENT supplier? Like, one that doesn't make defective AC adapters that put me at risk for electrical shock and homelessness?

The Secret is Out

A few weeks before Labor Day I fielded an enthusiastic e-mail from Shawn (this was back when Shawn could afford internet access). He referred to a "groin-grabbingly good" album from The Secret Machines - "Now Here is Nowhere"

I was a bit apprehensive, seeing as how their guitarist gave this quote to Spin when asked about the band's move from Dallas to New York:

"We were our own best friends, just sitting on our beds, out of our minds on mushrooms together."

On the other hand, there was this exchange among Spin staff in the same issue, regarding performances at the 2004 South by Southwest Music Conference & Festival:

Caryn Ganz (asst. editor): I will plug The Secret Machines. They played Thursday night at some warehouse and they had this massive sound that seemed to hand in the air. It was really visceral.

Charles Aaron (music editor): I was standing in line to get into that show when Chuck comes up, saying, "Oh, my God, they're like Pink Floyd with Alex Van Halen on drums!"

Chuck Klosterman (senior writer): What I said was, "These guys are what would happen if Pink Floyd merged with Queens of the Stone Age, assuming they also added Alex Van Halen on drums." And I stand behind that statement. They're fucking awesome."

Aaron: I was like, "I don't know whether I should push my way in or run screaming in the other direction." But then I got in there, and they were pretty awesome.

As you know, you can't knock it until you rock it, so I bought the debut album. It rocked me.

And that brings us up to early last week, as I chewed a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran and cursed The Today Show, I clicked over to MTV. MTV had inexplicably ceased airing bullshit in exchange for The Secret Machine's first video.

So, long story short, it's time to go pick up that album. Get your TSM stock before it splits, before every asshole has it, early enough that you can claim superiority over the bastards that will buy it much later.

(Sorry - no free mp3s this time, but there is streaming audio at TSM's website and at Amazon.)

The Cave is Collapsing!

Sorry...I'm really showing great restraint here...I have 11 more of these pictures that I could post...

But doesn't this shot of my sigmoid remind you of that scene in Empire where the Millenium Falcon escapes from the belly of the asteroid worm?

"This ground sure feels strange. It doesn't feel like rock at all..."

There

Now you can't say that I never showed you my proximal transverse colon.

What a Colonoscopy is Like

First, there's the prep; you have to drink only clear liquids for at least 24 hours. That's not so bad. Then you have to take the phospho-soda to clear your bowels. The bad news about that stuff is the taste - it tastes like flavored nausea. The worse news is that it cleans your bowels very thoroughly, and that cuts into your sleeping time.

Once you've made it to the doctor's office, it's time for a few more preparatory steps. Your blood pressure is taken, as is your temperature. Look! It's time for the IV to go in your right hand, because you'll be laying on your left side soon. Of course, even though your veins are normally very responsive to needles, they're not today, as you're dehydrated from the oral saline laxative. After a few painful minutes attempting to stick one vein, another is chosen, and you've got saline coming into your body for a change.

Now all that's left is for you is remove your pants - done and done! Anything to hasten the arrival of the valium/demerol drug combo that's pumped into your system so as to make you forget all of your troubles...or at least that one trouble that's about to be threaded through your large intestine.

So that's the bright side of the procedure - you are so heavily sedated, you don't recall any of the actual colonoscopy (and because you won't remember it, the kindly doctor takes pictures of your innards for you) when you wake up at home a couple hours later. No, you don't remember the scope weaving through you, but you do recall a few moments in the recovery room when the doctor and your ride home show you the evidence of Crohn's Disease in the snapshots of your colon.

(If you're lucky, I'll post said photos in a few days.)

How to Despise Election Day

6:45 a.m. - Wake. Hurriedly consume 2 imitation Pop Tarts so you can get to the high school to vote.

7:15 a.m. - Stand in line for one hour. Darken ovals for candidates knowing that your vote might matter in one (or possibly two... TWO!!) races.

9:00 a.m. - Go to stupid work.

12:30 p.m. - Have 20 ounces of Sprite for lunch. The bottlecap says you win a rental at Blockbuster... BLOCKBUSTER!!!

5:00 p.m. - Finally leave stupid work.

6:00 p.m. - Take 1.5 ounces of oral saline laxative.

7:00 p.m. - Gilmore Girls makes you forget about your troubles for exactly one hour. Then the oral saline laxative brings said troubles back to the forefront.

9:00 p.m. - Another 1.5 ounces of oral saline laxative.

9:30 p.m. - Make lame joke connecting "taking it up the ass" at tomorrow's colonoscopy to election results.