Things To Do In Dupont When You're Invited To A Wedding

FRIDAY

Woke up at 3:30 for 6 a.m. flight. Ate one two of my beloved Teaism ginger scones, while everyone else raved about the sausage. Led a tour of the national mall, including Union Station, the Supreme Court, and my beloved Library of Congress.


We added friends to the group as they arrived at the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. There was a whole lot of handsome in front of the White House.


Filled with french cuisine, we walked to Stoney's for the wedding eve festivities. When the night was still young, Jack Serpentine regaled us with a telling of the "Hot Hamburger" story, about his youngest brother Dimebag, as Dimebag himself nodded along.

(The sound is not great, but it's acceptable. The unrecorded beginning of the story is simple: their family was out to eat at The Carriage Crossing, deciding what to order...)



Later, while I was raconteuring, a bunch of shots were taken. Mistakes were made.


My lady and I stayed up past one despite our early start, but were not among the heroes who closed the bar.


SATURDAY

Not much going on Saturday.











Saturday. What a total bore.


SUNDAY

Museums. A Thai meal that resulted in Floyd's newest nickname, taken from the menu: Crying Tiger.


MONDAY

Brunch, return flight, Arthur Bryant's, home.


TUESDAY

Nostalgia

Real Talk

Overrated breakfast food: Eggs

Underrated breakfast food: Potatoes

Dreaming My Dreams

Last night in my dream:

*The Royals scored 36 runs and still lost.

*Gav and I were in Texas, eating biscuits and gravy at a nothing-but-biscuits-and-gravy place.

Not Awesome Show Bad Job

I have tried to get into "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!" a few times. It's loved by those I love, but it's not my cup of tea. Case in point, my favorite actor, John C Reilly, debuted his "Tim and Eric" spin-off show last night, "Check It Out!", and I only laughed once -- when his Dr. Steve Brule character discovered that "sushi meat is a big rip-off - it's just cat scraps".



Part of me is happy that programs as odd as "Tim and Eric" and "Check It Out!" are allowed on television (albeit cable television, Mondays at 12:30 a.m. Eastern, for only fifteen minutes at a time); yet, I can't help but wish my beloved JCR was spending his time on other projects.

Here are some other artists I'd like to control:

Adam Sandler

Sandler was nominated for a Golden Globe for his work in "Punch Drunk Love", and was critically well-received for his somewhat serious role in "Funny People". On the other hand, he won the Kids' Choice Award for his 2007 turd "Click". After fifteen years of making piles of cash from middling fart movies, it's time to move up to more challenging fare.

While we're on topic, how about his new movie, "Grown Ups"? "After their high school basketball coach passes away, five good friends and former teammates reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend."

Here are the heights listed for these five teammates -- if these dweebs won a single high school basketball game, their coach was certainly legendary enough for a mournful reunion:

Center - Chris Rock - 5'11"
Power Forward - Kevin James - 5'9"
Small Forward - Adam Sandler - 5'10"
Shooting Guard - David Spade - 5'7"
Point Guard - Rob Schneider - 5'6"


Bill Murray

Murray likes to claim he's retired, so no one will bother him with movie projects. When he does pick a role, Jim Jarmusch films him in black-and-white, smoking a cigarette and staring out a window for 90 minutes. Murray needs to unleash a Rushmore-esque (or even better, a Groundhog Day-esque) role every two years, or a Zombieland-esque cameo every year. That leaves plenty of off-time for a retiree.

Kristin Wiig

Wiig is either a smart comedian who chooses to recycle wacky characters so she can get screen time every week on SNL, or she's a one-trick pony. I'm guessing it's the former, which means my real complaint is with Lorne Michaels. Regardless, I'd like to see more variety from Wiig.

Dave Eggers

Stop helping others via your non-profits and start writing me fiction, Mr. Eggers, you altruistic bastard. Also, while "Away We Go" was okay and I hear "Where the Wild Things Are" was good, I need you to write novels and not screenplays.

She & Him

I would dissolve the musical partnership of M Ward and Zooey Deschanel, restricting Deschanel's output to films where she does not play a manic pixie dreamgirl. (And more cotton commercials -- I guess I have no problem with the cotton commercials.) Ward can keep his membership in the Monsters of Folk supergroup, but must produce two solo albums for every MOF collaboration.

James Mercer

The Shins are fired, or at least on haitus, while Mercer experiments with his sound. Uh oh. His Danger Mouse collaboration, Broken Bells, didn't do it for me, so I'd push him back toward his Shins sound.

Baby Bella

Knowing my authority on baby names, alipete made sure I saw the Times' story on America's most popular baby names. You've probably heard by now that 2009's wise parents most often chose two "Twilight"-related names, Isabella and Jacob.

Well, whatever. You can't really be mad about Jacob. Jacob's always been a popular name, despite all odds. I mean, I could never name my boy Jacob, because I'd be constantly reminded of the Esau/Jacob bible story. What a ridiculous story! Jacob had to wear goatskins to simulate the hairiness of his brother -- gross!

When refreshing my memory of this epic and absurd tale, I read this:

Onlookers named the first עשו, Esau (`Esav or `Esaw, meaning "hairy" or "rough", from Hebrew: עשה‎, `asah, "do" or "make"; or "completely developed", from Hebrew: עשוי‎, `assui).

The second is named יעקב, Jacob (Ya`aqob or Ya`aqov, meaning "heel-catcher", "supplanter", "leg-puller", "he who follows upon the heels of one", from Hebrew: עקב‎, `aqab or `aqav, "seize by the heel", "circumvent", "restrain", a wordplay upon Hebrew: עקבה‎, `iqqebah or `iqqbah, "heel").

Onlookers named these kids? They named them Hairy and Heel-Catcher? And those names were so perfect, they stuck forever? As badly as I'd like to mock mothers for naming a girl Isabella because of their love for a fictional undead metaphor for sexual anxiety, they've got nothing on those old Hebrews.

Chile Dogs

Is it too soon?

I've been saving Matt's Chilean-earthquake-related text in my phone for months now, waiting for time to sufficiently dilute the tragedy. Now, with oil spreading throughout the Gulf of Mexico and Nashville flooded and Boston without water and a car bomb in Times Square, surely it's time to laugh.

"I wonder how many cats got killed -- I bet the dog death toll is catastrophic. They all hang out under stuff that could fall on them."

(For further reading: Matt and I on Chile's coast.)


* * *


We saw "Kick-Ass" two weeks ago, and the trailer for this upcoming Ashton Kutcher / Katherine Heigl vehicle. At the trailer's conclusion, I said, "Ugh! Put it in your mouth!"

Not So Hotlanta

Sunday, April 18

1100, Driving to airport

Man, just when you were confident the Train era had ended.


1140, At the gate

A group of TSA subcontractors (or something) are loudly discussing the means celebrities like John Cleese and Whitney Houston have employed to travel despite the Icelandic volcano. I am thirsty, but don't know how to address that and still avoid the airplane restroom - I'm going to be in a window seat. The eternal struggle.


1200, At the gate

A young woman to my right is wearing an Elon University tee and blue hospital scrub pants. I know medical personnel who swear by their comfort, but if those are your best option for flight pants then your wardrobe is in rough shape.


1230, In the plane

I am in seat 17E. My carry-on is above row 31. Is this as bad as it will ever be for storage capacity, or will it get even worse?


1250, In the air

The first page of Bantam Books' "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" reads "Carson McCullers was only twenty-two when she wrote "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" and became the youngest American writer ever to join the company of immortals." Huh?


1310, In the air

"Blount just sat with his hand over his mouth and shook his head...Biff noted this. He was thinking in that nearly every person there was some special physical part kept always guarded. With the mute his hands. The kid Mick picked at the front of her blouse to keep the cloth from rubbing the new, tender nipples beginning to come out on her breast. With Alice it was her hair..."

Immortals make me feel pervy.


1600, Atlanta airport

Saw former KU (and former Cleveland Cavalier) forward Darnell Jackson walk by the luggage carousel. He's still tall.


Monday, April 19


0930, At the conference

Everyone is in the big ballroom for the opening session. The newly passed national health care law is being discussed. The woman sitting in front of me is making a show of herself, shaking her head "no" again and again and again as she stares down the speaker. She's wearing sunglasses on top of her head. In a darkened hotel ballroom.

I always hated sitting in a classroom and seeing another student nod their head up and down in response to something the professor said. Sort of a, "Hey, yes, I already knew that fact, and I should inform, Teach, and everyone else who can see me, that I knew that. I knew that." But at least those were always affirmative responses, and usually died out after one or two nods. This lady -- a Virginian according to her nametag -- seems to think her disapproval will change the opinion of the Department of Health and Human Services.


1115, At the conference

The phrase, "Ugh. Kill me," pops in my head for the first time since arriving in Atlanta nineteen hours ago. A personal best! The people who chose to sit in the back of this very large, very accommodating room are complaining about not being able to hear the speaker.


1140, At the conference

The third powerpoint presentation of this session is standard white text on a blue background. One slide has a chart with blue trendline on this blue background -- that's a powerpoint dealbreaker, ladies. Pathetic.


1210, Lunch

Turner Broadcasting owns TNT, TBS, CNN, Headline News, the Cartoon Network, and maybe more -- yet this is face they've chosen to force upon the citizenry.



TBS has promised "the biggest promotional campaign in television history" for Conan's new show. So why can I buy a "The Closer" baby tee and a "Morning Express with Robin Meade" bathrobe at the CNN Center gift shop, but no Coco merchandise?


1410, At the conference

Powerpoint #1 - the "Nashville region" label points to New York state.
Powerpoint #2 - the chart's x-axis starts at September '09 and goes through March '09?
Powerpoint #3 - the speaker moves the cursor along each bullet point as she reads it


1520, In the restroom

The Hyatt claims that each of its waterless urinals saves up to 40,000 gallons of water each year. That calculates to about 110 gallons per day. Per fixture! No way are they flushing that much per day -- not even if they host a enlarged prostate sufferers' convention for 52 consecutive weeks.


2000, At dinner

While enjoying some chicken at South City Kitchen, we noticed a couple dining next to us. One was a young, slight blond; across from her was a black-haired man with an injured right arm. The arm was in traction (or something), like the treatment you'd see for a broken neck. The man and woman spent the entire meal looking at their iPhones. I don't mean that they constantly checked their phones, or constantly spoke on their phones. They looked at their iPhone screens instead of each other or their food.

I didn't noticed them get up to leave, but I did see them walking down the sidewalk outside. That's when I realized how tall the man was, and when I remembered the Milwaukee Bucks were in town to play the Hawks in the NBA playoffs, and when I remembered that Bucks center Andrew Bogut severely injured his arm a few weeks earlier. ITEM: Andrew Bogut loves iPhones, fried chicken, and speaking to attractive blonds, in that order.


Tuesday, April 20

0830, In my hotel room

I'm willing to forgive the quirks of this IKEA tower the Hyatt has built, but there is no USA Today outside my door. Is this even a real hotel?


1112, At the conference

"cervical intraepithelial neoplasia"


1117, At the conference

"vulvar"


1125, At the conference

"anal intraepithelial neoplasia"


1240, At the conference

It's no longer cute or funny when middle-aged individuals cannot connect a laptop to a projector, or in this case, cannot make a DVD play on a laptop. Not in a post-autorun world, lady. Wise up.


1900, Before dinner

Man, I love watching the local tourism channels they air in hotels. Meet my very modest friend, Dante.

"Bride Wars" is on HBO. Kate Hudson plays a cutthroat Manhattan attorney? Makes sense. What a good, well-thought-out film.


2100, After dinner

The NBA game is a blowout, so a coworker and I flip over to HBO and start watching the documentary about media/life suppression in Burma. Just drinking some Bud Lights in silence, watching monks get beaten up.


Wednesday, April 21


0915, At the conference

I just had the "What would I do if gun-toting terrorists busted into this hotel ballroom right now?" daydream. Kudos to this insultingly elementary presentation for dusting off that old nugget.


2030, At the ballgame

The organist knows two songs: Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London", and the theme to NBC's "The Office". Cool baseball atmosphere, Turner Field.