dn: hi
floyd: just so you know, Aerosmith's Amazing is just wrapping up on my Spotify
floyd: so I expect big things here
dn: EAT THE RICH
dn: man, what an album
floyd: GET A GRIP
floyd: yeah, they were pretty prescient
dn: you gotta have stones if you're livin in the city
dn: you wanna hang loose you gotta GET A GRIP
dn: did I get that right?
floyd: dude looks like a lady!!!
floyd: I think
dn: that seems about right for not hearing the title track for a dozen years
dn: we're off to a great start
dn: !
dn: this won't take long, since nothing happened in this episode. again
dn: there was ONE zombie
floyd: speaking of dudes that look like ladies, Glen gets laid in this episode
dn: Glen is the Asian guy's name?
dn: I thought it was Shortround
floyd: not sure
floyd: haha
floyd: what was the Asian kid's name in Goonies?
floyd: I assume it's the same actor
dn: or Temple of Doom or something
dn: "The boy known as Short Round was born on February 8, 1926 as Wan Li. Orphaned during the Japanese bombing of Shanghai in 1932, Li picked up his alias as a pickpocket on the streets of his home town and attempted to rob the man he would later refer to as Dr. Jones. "
dn: http://indianajones.wikia.com/wiki/Short...
dn: wait...
dn: the street urchins of Shanghai gave him the name Short Round?
dn: speaka the english over there?
floyd: Short Round means something different in Mandarin
dn: Right. OK. So.
dn: the episode
dn: there is some talk from Hershel, the vet who runs the farmhouse, about not carrying guns on the property
dn: I didn't understand it AT ALL
floyd: it made NO sense
floyd: particularly since there were already obviously guns
floyd: I mean, the fat guy was hunting with a rifle
floyd: Rick had a gun the whole time until he needlessly gave it to the hunter
floyd: Andrea apparently carries a gun around with her, despite the rest of the group not letting her have a gun
dn: "Well, we've managed not to turn this ol' farmhouse into an armed garrison, so let's keep doing that, even though an armed garrison would be more preferable by 1000x"
floyd: "barb wire was good enough for my 'pa, and it's good enough now"
dn: i guess they're simply setting us up for something
dn: in the next episode I'll bet
floyd: you think?
dn: they need a gun and oops there aren't any handy
floyd: except I like how easily Hershel later goes back on his hard rule
floyd: "well, since you said a few sentences, I guess I'll think about breaking my ONE RULE"
floyd: also, what kind of farm is this?
floyd: the one rule is "Don't touch my daughter"
floyd: oops, too late Hershel
dn: it's a rich people's farm
dn: they just have horses, so they're just rich folk who live in the country
dn: that's my take
floyd: who are somehow undetectable by zombies
dn: so while you bring up his daughter let's get into that plotline
dn: the daughter is like "We're running low on drugs so I'm heading to the pharmacy"
dn: and Grimes is like, "Take Short Round with you, because he's good at those missions."
floyd: ha
floyd: didn't somebody say something about him being good at getting into tight spaces?
floyd: I swear I heard that line
dn: he's good at SURPRISE ATTACKS
dn: "Asians are great at tunnels."floyd: was the pharmacy run before or after the well?
dn: after
dn: so they are getting ready to hit the pharmacy, and Mrs Grimes tells Short Round he has to pick up something secret for her
dn: she writes him a secret note that he doesn't understand, and she says "look in the feminine hygiene section"
dn: cool note
floyd: haha
dn: he's gonna learn your secret in an hour - you sure you just don't want to tell him now?
floyd: and is she seriously asking for a brand name?
dn: i think so!
floyd: in a zombie apocalypse, generics still aren't good enough for bitchface Lori
dn: the power of advertising
dn: big pharma
floyd: what a cheap way to heighten suspense
floyd: just terrible
dn: yup! again.
dn: so fast forward, we're at the pharmacy
floyd: and the suspense could have been built even without Glen's confusion
floyd: she could have whispered something to him
dn: haha true!
floyd: he could have looked at her, kind of a "really?" or even a "wow" or "I understand"
dn: well, that took you two seconds to improve the script
floyd: and the audience would have still had the reveal when he picked it up in the feminine hygiene section
floyd: that was RIGHT NEXT to the hardware section
floyd: stole that from videogum, but too good not to bring up here
dn: it was a small mom & pop pharmacy - I'll allow it
floyd: Georgia is weird
dn: so FAST FORWARD
dn: no zombies so far, they begin to search for what they can bring back and use on the farm
floyd: all the zombies are still at the high school
floyd: just milling around
dn: instead of saying, "you take a look, I'll be on watch for the undead."
dn: "That mercilessly roam this countryside looking to murder us"
dn: and while farmer's daughter is looking around, he scrambles around the female section
dn: and discovers Mrs Grimes wanted A PREGNANCY TEST
floyd: the reveal!
dn: "whoa!" --nobody who's been paying attention to this show
dn: "wow!" --nobody who has a brain
dn: "brains!" --zombies
floyd: I'll be honest, I wasn't completely sure what it would be
floyd: mostly because I figured Glen would know what a pregnancy test was, and where to find it
floyd: I never thought that Lori would ask for a brand name
dn: I wish her note would have said "Noose. For hanging myself."
floyd: hahafloyd: cyanide
floyd: look in the feminine hygiene section
dn: haha
dn: maybe she needed the brand name because she's too dumb to interpret the generic brands
dn: "I need something that shows a picture of a baby after I pee on it"
floyd: after I audibly pee on it
floyd: nice scene, Walking Dead
dn: I wish it was an HBO show so they could have got REALLY GRAPHIC with it
floyd: I was thinking that about the sexy scene
dn: Also, the test was positive. for those of you who read this solely to catch up on what they missed
floyd: farmer's daughter is kind of cute, in a "well, it's the end of the world, I guess I'll fuck you" kind of way
dn: she is legitimately cute
floyd: "We can't be picky anymore"
floyd: Self esteem skyrocketing!
floyd: stop it, you're making me hot!
floyd: "This zombie apocalypse is making me horny!" -- Glen
dn: farmer's daughter sees Short Round messing around in the hygiene section
dn: he panics, trying to keep the secret
dn: and grabs a box of condoms
dn: there's some wacky condom laffs
dn: and then she's like, "Let's do this."
floyd: btw, that move doesn't really work
floyd: I try it in CVS now and then
dn: well, not in a world where the dead stay dead
floyd: yeah, that's why it's not working
floyd: women be picky
dn: let me ask you this
dn: how well do you think you'd perform in a unlocked, unguarded pharmacy in zombie territory?floyd: some people can only be turned on by imminent death
floyd: I'm not one of them
floyd: so, poorly
floyd: or quickly?
floyd: is there a difference?
dn: I concur
dn: I'm gonna at least need a lock on that doorfloyd: you're a romantic
dn: so they boned, but after she's like, "that was a one time thing"
dn: someone horny enough to fuck in a dangerous pharmacy says it's not happening again
floyd: ah, the afterglow
floyd: and Glen just puffs on his cigarette and is like, "Whatever"
dn: the only other plotline was the well
dn: the group is like, "Can we get some water?"
dn: and they're like, "Sure."
dn: and they find a zombie fell into one of the five farm wells
floyd: No. 2
floyd: it was the second well
floyd: they didn't even bother checking the other three
dn: I don't have a problem with that
dn: it's poor form to leave a zombie goofin around on your farm
dn: even if he's at the bottom of your well
dn: what I DO have a problem with
dn: is deciding not to shoot it
dn: so they don't "contaminate the water"
floyd: yeah, that made no sense whatsoever
dn: water that has been steeped in zombie for weeks
floyd: the zombie is bloated and rotting
floyd: I'm pretty sure that water is dirty
floyd: but these people are REALLY stupid
dn: the zombie looked like the monster from Goonies, actually
floyd: Sloth?dn: right
floyd: Zombie Sloth?
dn: hey you guys, brains!
dn: he also kinda looked like the old lady in the gang from Goonies
dn: she was an unfortunate looking woman
floyd: she lived a hard life
dn: haha
floyd: the crime, the idiot sons, the giant halfwit
dn: was Sloth her son?
dn: do I need to find a Goonies wiki now?
floyd: yes
floyd: Sloth was her child
floyd: he abused him
floyd: which is why he turned against her at the end
floyd: have you even seen Goonies?
floyd: how does someone with your pop culture knowledge forget the plot of Goonies?
dn: many times, but it's been a while
dn: I guess that explains why they looked alike
floyd: ha
floyd: I guess not everybody watched that movie every day for years
dn: I watched it a lot as a kid
dn: sorry I forgot who was related to who
dn: or that it was Josh Brolin's first big role
dn: does it make it any better knowing I've been to Astoria, where The Goonies was filmed?
dn: and saw their home with my own eyes?
dn: and saw the beach where they filmed the pirate ship scene at the end?
floyd: that was in Astoria?
dn: the beach is down the road a ways, but the house is in Astoria
floyd: Astoria, Queens, right?
dn: wow
dn: Astoria, OREGON
floyd: I thought Queens was a strange place to film Goonies
dn: I think you've lost your claim to the "King of The Goonies" title
floyd: hey man, there's some weird parts of Queens
floyd: anyway
floyd: the well
dn: so they tried to get the zombie out of the well by lowering Short Round down, asking him to tie a rope around it so they can pull it up
dn: classic well science
floyd: well, first they tried to entice the zombie with a ham, which was somehow going to make it easier to loop a rope around its neck
floyd: seriously
floyd: that was their first idea
floyd: THEN they decided to send a human down there
dn: yeah, they used the WHOLE canned ham
dn: they attached fish hooks to it or something
dn: it's like a plan a first grader would have had
dn: a first grader with no knowledge of rationing
floyd: or water contamination
dn: anyway, there were some shenanigans, but eventually they pull the zombie up
dn: except the zombie tears in half
dn: because it's rotten
dn: so its lower torso falls back in the well
dn: "contaminating" it
dn: even moreso
floyd: keep in mind, the weight of the body didn't tear the head off during its ascent
dn: and now the farm only has four other wells
floyd: yep
floyd: only four more freshwater wells to keep this small group of humans alive
floyd: including the one that supplies the house, that's apparently so ample that Shane can just leave the fucking hot water running while he symbolically shaves his head
dn: haha
dn: yup, lots of water
dn: one less ham, though
floyd: yep, just wasting that canned ham
dn: two other things in this episode, which probably took 20 minutes of our time but can be summed up in one:
dn: 1. Grimes asks Herschel to let the group stay there for as long as they want, not just until his kid is healed
dn: 2. the redneck walks around looking for the lost girl, and of course doesn't find her
floyd: 3. Carl wears a hat
dn: oh right! Looks like grimes will finally not be wearing his sheriff's outfit anymore
floyd: things are changing!
floyd: also, Carl is pretty much totally recovered
floyd: in what might be three days since being shot in the chest?
dn: that rascal will be out catching fireflies next episode
floyd: out petting wild animals
dn: great kid
floyd: and the freaking girl is STILL not found
floyd: they're really going to keep dragging that along
floyd: can they kill the mom at least?
floyd: she might be the worst character in television
dn: I guess we'll see what happens. SUNDAY NIGHT!!!
dn: by the way I saw the season 1 DVD for sale in Best Buy today
dn: you'll recall season 1 was 6 episodes
dn: retail price: $40
floyd: how many copies did you buy?
dn: zero copiesfloyd: stocking stuffer!
floyd: it's on Amazon for like $13
dn: and I complained to the manager
dn: and Godfloyd: haha
dn: talk to you Monday
floyd: later
1 comment:
My Astoria trip is at http://tornadoslide.blogspot.com/2007/08/portland-sunday-june-3.html
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