I had the idea to make the world's lamest Bucket List after I saw a commercial for Keno. I enlisted Shawn's help and here's what we've got so far:
1. Learn to play Keno
2. Learn to polka
3. Read the novelizations of the "Back to the Future" films
4. Write a comprehensive history of German comedy
5. Try every fountain drink offered at Quik Trip
6. Sail across Lake Huron
7. See the Blue Man Group
8. Pet a horse
9. Read a Danielle Steele novel
10. Learn to speak Welsh
11. Get a tramp stamp
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Love Buzz
Today Kim buzzed my hair, and I shaved my biopsy beard. We documented the whole thing, of course.
gif from picasion.com
My captions are as follows:
1. Let's do this!
2. I have too much hair.
3. I have too much beard.
4. When I'm not stealing meth, I'm wrenching with my dirtbike.
5. Where did I put the fourth graders' dodgeballs?
6. Last time I rocked this cut I played tee ball and drank Shasta.
gif from picasion.com
My captions are as follows:
1. Let's do this!
2. I have too much hair.
3. I have too much beard.
4. When I'm not stealing meth, I'm wrenching with my dirtbike.
5. Where did I put the fourth graders' dodgeballs?
6. Last time I rocked this cut I played tee ball and drank Shasta.
Back From The Honeymoon
I started writing again on Thursday, July 7, but I ran out of steam before anything was posted online:
Man, it's been a while. Been busy, dudes. Been pretty busy. Went to Ireland. And Northern Ireland. Annoying that you have to specify both, but that's imperfect post-WWI treaties with the British, I guess.
I've also been busy being sick. Sick? Injured. Pained. On May 10, I sat through a four-hour meeting at work. Afterward, my hindquarters felt sore. (HAHAHAHA GAY!) That's not an unusual feeling for me (HAHAHA COULD YOU BE ANY GAYER GAYWAD??), as my haunches are tiny and poorly padded -- I was never very comfortable when sitting for long periods, so some pain was not out of the ordinary.
That night, my back hurt badly enough that I skipped my weekly basketball game (WITH ALL DUDES, HANGING OUT WITH SWEATY DUDES AND BALLS YOU'RE A TOTAL GAY!). The pain subsided, then migrated down to some upper leg muscles, then felt better a few days, then the reset button was punched and more back pain was followed by more leg and tailbone pain. On Sunday I'll celebrate two months of chronic pain! (During this time there have been many visits to physical therapy, where I am consistently surprised and saddened to think about the vast number of people coping with constant pain in the world.)
(Can you do two consecutive parenthetical expressions? Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway! I actually played basketball the week after I'd bowed out, and we only had enough personnel for 2 on 2. My right leg hurt, particularly when I would bend my knees during the first motions of a jump shot, but the muscles warmed up enough for me to play normally. Normally? Spectacularly! I never lost a game, and in the final game I scored 18 of my team's 20 points. The final shot was a dn staple, driving right toward the top of the lane, then spinning clockwise on my left leg before rising, floating (in the sense that a white 31-year-old with limited physical prowess "floats"), and releasing a perfect mid-range jumper. The pessimist in me thinks of this as a decent end to my underwhelming but highly enjoyable basketball career.)
So. The grim specter (specters are ALWAYS grim) of nerve pain has seasoned my past few months, which happens to include my honeymoon journey. I will be writing about the fun and interesting aspects of the journey soon. For the moment, though, please let me show you my map of pain.
[stopped writing for the day]
* * *
On Friday, July 8, I had a CT scan first thing in the morning. Before I had made it home with my three Muncher's Bakery self-pity donuts, my doctor's office was calling to schedule another appointment. The nurse wanted me to come by in a few hours to discuss the scan results. Since my everything still hurt when I drove, Kim agreed to take me.
* * *
We started the puzzle that weekend, as a way to pass the time until Monday's biopsy. I activated my mp3 player to start the live recording of The Pod F. Tompkast.
"It's nighttime on the internet...
...a graffiti artist suspects an E-Harmony profile of deceit...
...a 2,000 year-old vampire views her Netflix queue with disgust...
...a raccoon Googles 'raccoons'."
Kim was above the puzzle at that moment, and I was walking to the sink to fetch a glass of water. "Raccoons" had barely emitted from the speakers when I began to well up. I'll never understand why. It just seemed like a perfect joke - maybe my mind raced ahead to consider how much additional perfect humor I could miss out on.
I calmed myself and took a drink.
* * *
The biopsy results took a long time, and we were finally told the lymphoma was malignant, as we'd expected. It was several more days before we could meet with an oncologist, who assured us the scenario was far from worst-case, and that chemotherapy should treat it sufficiently. There was a heart test, a PET scan, blood tests, a bone marrow biopsy - every time we walked into the hospital they found another reason to perform another test. The final summary:
Large (~10 cm) mass in right presacral space, pushing against muscle and the sciatic nerve.
Smaller masses nearby, all below the diaphragm, all of which can be managed simultaneously without extra treatment.
Up to 6 rounds of chemotherapy, starting Monday, July 25.
* * *
When I was a kid, I would fantasize about having cancer. It wasn't because I needed an in with the Make-a-Wish racket - I wanted to be an inspiring, famous person that courageously beat the odds. It was weird, especially considering that person already existed. His name was Sterling, he overcame brain cancer, and he was in the class above me. We played summer baseball together.
I never liked the analogy of cancer management as a "battle". Fighting is reserved for an odd assortment of diseases, and if you've got diabetes or malaria you're somehow not a soldier, just a participant. I don't feel like I'm in a battle with cancer, which is great, because I've always considered myself too much of a realist to fill the shoes of a brave soldier. Fight or flight? If given an option, I'd apologize to cancer, sign a treaty, and retreat back to safe territory. I am intimidated.
But there is no option. A month ago Kim and I were exploring Ireland. Monday they try to shrink my tumor. Life is overwhelming and impressive even when it's threatening.
Man, it's been a while. Been busy, dudes. Been pretty busy. Went to Ireland. And Northern Ireland. Annoying that you have to specify both, but that's imperfect post-WWI treaties with the British, I guess.
I've also been busy being sick. Sick? Injured. Pained. On May 10, I sat through a four-hour meeting at work. Afterward, my hindquarters felt sore. (HAHAHAHA GAY!) That's not an unusual feeling for me (HAHAHA COULD YOU BE ANY GAYER GAYWAD??), as my haunches are tiny and poorly padded -- I was never very comfortable when sitting for long periods, so some pain was not out of the ordinary.
That night, my back hurt badly enough that I skipped my weekly basketball game (WITH ALL DUDES, HANGING OUT WITH SWEATY DUDES AND BALLS YOU'RE A TOTAL GAY!). The pain subsided, then migrated down to some upper leg muscles, then felt better a few days, then the reset button was punched and more back pain was followed by more leg and tailbone pain. On Sunday I'll celebrate two months of chronic pain! (During this time there have been many visits to physical therapy, where I am consistently surprised and saddened to think about the vast number of people coping with constant pain in the world.)
(Can you do two consecutive parenthetical expressions? Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway! I actually played basketball the week after I'd bowed out, and we only had enough personnel for 2 on 2. My right leg hurt, particularly when I would bend my knees during the first motions of a jump shot, but the muscles warmed up enough for me to play normally. Normally? Spectacularly! I never lost a game, and in the final game I scored 18 of my team's 20 points. The final shot was a dn staple, driving right toward the top of the lane, then spinning clockwise on my left leg before rising, floating (in the sense that a white 31-year-old with limited physical prowess "floats"), and releasing a perfect mid-range jumper. The pessimist in me thinks of this as a decent end to my underwhelming but highly enjoyable basketball career.)
So. The grim specter (specters are ALWAYS grim) of nerve pain has seasoned my past few months, which happens to include my honeymoon journey. I will be writing about the fun and interesting aspects of the journey soon. For the moment, though, please let me show you my map of pain.
[stopped writing for the day]
* * *
On Friday, July 8, I had a CT scan first thing in the morning. Before I had made it home with my three Muncher's Bakery self-pity donuts, my doctor's office was calling to schedule another appointment. The nurse wanted me to come by in a few hours to discuss the scan results. Since my everything still hurt when I drove, Kim agreed to take me.
* * *
We started the puzzle that weekend, as a way to pass the time until Monday's biopsy. I activated my mp3 player to start the live recording of The Pod F. Tompkast.
"It's nighttime on the internet...
...a graffiti artist suspects an E-Harmony profile of deceit...
...a 2,000 year-old vampire views her Netflix queue with disgust...
...a raccoon Googles 'raccoons'."
Kim was above the puzzle at that moment, and I was walking to the sink to fetch a glass of water. "Raccoons" had barely emitted from the speakers when I began to well up. I'll never understand why. It just seemed like a perfect joke - maybe my mind raced ahead to consider how much additional perfect humor I could miss out on.
I calmed myself and took a drink.
* * *
The biopsy results took a long time, and we were finally told the lymphoma was malignant, as we'd expected. It was several more days before we could meet with an oncologist, who assured us the scenario was far from worst-case, and that chemotherapy should treat it sufficiently. There was a heart test, a PET scan, blood tests, a bone marrow biopsy - every time we walked into the hospital they found another reason to perform another test. The final summary:
Large (~10 cm) mass in right presacral space, pushing against muscle and the sciatic nerve.
Smaller masses nearby, all below the diaphragm, all of which can be managed simultaneously without extra treatment.
Up to 6 rounds of chemotherapy, starting Monday, July 25.
* * *
When I was a kid, I would fantasize about having cancer. It wasn't because I needed an in with the Make-a-Wish racket - I wanted to be an inspiring, famous person that courageously beat the odds. It was weird, especially considering that person already existed. His name was Sterling, he overcame brain cancer, and he was in the class above me. We played summer baseball together.
I never liked the analogy of cancer management as a "battle". Fighting is reserved for an odd assortment of diseases, and if you've got diabetes or malaria you're somehow not a soldier, just a participant. I don't feel like I'm in a battle with cancer, which is great, because I've always considered myself too much of a realist to fill the shoes of a brave soldier. Fight or flight? If given an option, I'd apologize to cancer, sign a treaty, and retreat back to safe territory. I am intimidated.
But there is no option. A month ago Kim and I were exploring Ireland. Monday they try to shrink my tumor. Life is overwhelming and impressive even when it's threatening.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Phoney
Old phone, purchased 2006:
We had some good times, old friend. You were tiny, and that was nice. But other than having a small impact on my pocket, you're kind of junk now. Still, stand proud, buddy. Your battery is still quite good, and there isn't a scratch on you! You've earned your retirement. Have fun polluting some river in China.
I'm part of a Sprint family now. New phone, received for birthday 2011:
We had some good times, old friend. You were tiny, and that was nice. But other than having a small impact on my pocket, you're kind of junk now. Still, stand proud, buddy. Your battery is still quite good, and there isn't a scratch on you! You've earned your retirement. Have fun polluting some river in China.
I'm part of a Sprint family now. New phone, received for birthday 2011:
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
You Stay Classy
We were at a rural Illinois winery this weekend for a wedding. This photograph hung above the urinals. (Click to enlarge.)
Prints are only $20? That's great news, because I have a lot of empty wall space in my VOMITORIUM.
The only thing more gross than this "art" is my imagining of the "artist".
Prints are only $20? That's great news, because I have a lot of empty wall space in my VOMITORIUM.
The only thing more gross than this "art" is my imagining of the "artist".
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
2010-2011 Winter Recap - Netflix
You guys, I have not read a single book since the calendar turned. But at least I've watched a bunch of shit on my TV and through my Netflix account! Here are those items, in reverse chronological order, not including movies covered in my 2010 motion picture recaps (1) (2).
Quick Change
Bill Murray robs a bank while dressed as a clown? How did this exist beyond my awareness? Funny throughout, with supporting roles by then-famous Geena Davis then-sane Randy Quaid. Small roles filled by greats like Tony Shaloub, Phil Hartman, and Kurtwood Smith.
The Kid Stays in the Picture
If you hear Patton Oswalt's impression of 1970's movie producer extraordinaire Robert Evans, you're kind of obligated to watch this. It's okay. Evans' narration is most certainly the selling point.
Cool Hand Luke
Finally, nearly 20 years after first enjoying Guns 'N Roses "Civil War", I watched the origin of its sampled dialogue! This was one of those movie experiences where lots of other things make more sense, from the GNR song (well, not really) to the great Stella episode where the guys call their farm supervisors "Boss", just like Paul Newman and company.
It's Kind of a Funny Story
Pretty much what you'd think it is. Fine.
The Night of the Hunter
I rented this because it's the movie that originated the much repeated idea of a convict labeling his knuckles with "LOVE" and "HATE". Not bad, not great. I guess you could say I didn't LOVE or HATE it. Get it?
Inside Job
Won the Oscar for Best Documentary, although Exit Through The Gift Shop was clearly better. This kept economics interesting, I suppose, but I can't forgive it for playing Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" in its entirety over the opening credits. God I hate that song.
GasLand
Recommended if you want to get depressed about the process of fracturing underground shale to produce natural gas. But you only need to watch the first hour - it starts to repeat itself, and the ending isn't current anymore. You can read the latest fracturing news from Pennsylvania with the time you save.
TiMER
An Instant Watch movie recommended by some friends. Low budget, but not embarrassingly so. It's breezy with a sci-fi twist. Not a lot of breezy sci-fi out there, yeah? Recommended for the ladies. Caution, gentlemen: romance ahead!
Never Let Me Go
Based on the book I read, the book Time Magazine called the finest of its decade. Kim had not read the book, and the movie made her cry. Would she recommend it? She would. She just said so just now, after I prompted her. I would too. It's got Keira Knightly, Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, AND it's directed by the same guy who gave us the music video for Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" - you remember, the one with the crucified monkey and the hog's head rotating on a spike?
Animal Kingdom
Meh. It was Australian, I guess? I'm having a hard time remembering the plot, which is a bad sign for a movie I saw a few months ago.
Ken Burns' America: Thomas Hart Benton
Benton's my favorite muralist. His old home is now a museum in Kansas City and I keep meaning to go someday. This show taught me pretty much everything I'd learn at the museum, though, right? I should probably just stay home and look at junk on my laptop instead.
The Amish: People of Preservation
I had to spend some time among the Amish a few months ago - did I tell you that? No? I spent a lot of time thinking about their hats. Of all the hats in the world to choose from, this group picked a real stinker! An especially bad decision, since they're stuck with it and can't go out and buy a cowboy hat or a floppy beach hat instead. Right. So this was available on Instant Watch and I had it on while I did some work around the house. It focused on the Pennsylvania Amish, and maybe isn't as recommended as the occasional Amish-related docs you can find on the National Geographic Channel (which I also watched around this time).
Cyrus
I can't recommend this beyond those who worship with me at John C Reilly's altar.
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
A documentary about one comedian. I was curious to know where the hell she came from, how she got popular enough to be a serious candidate for "The Tonight Show". This pretty much answered those questions. Solid.
I Am Comic
A documentary about comedians, a very broad topic covered broadly here. Very interesting in parts and tedious in others.
The Other Guys
Should have been better? Right?
The Ricky Gervais Show: Season 1
Podcasts on TV! A dumb idea that works fine in this instance but probably shouldn't start a trend.
Watchmen
Who watches the watchmen a year and a half after it's released? Me! From the perspective of a male who doesn't read graphic novels, I liked it. Rorshach's character was kind of silly to me, but the film looked amazing and Malin Akerman didn't look too bad either if you know what I mean of course you do I just wrote it explicitly.
Bored to Death: Season 1
I love noir detective stuff so much, but I was prepared to be disappointed by this HBO series. Thankfully (and in hindsight, obviously), Ted Danson + Zack Galafanakis + Jason Schwartzman = great. Not so great that I finally order HBO, but great enough to make me wish I wasn't so cheap about ordering HBO.
The Third Man
I think so highly of this masterpiece I introduced it to the lady of my life. But don't take my word for it. Take John Hodgman's podcast words for it.
The Wrong Guy
Newsradio's Dave Foley wrote and starred in this spoof of Hitchcock-style "wrongly accused man" stories. Plenty of hilarious dialogue more than makes up for the presence of Jennifer Tilly. Highly recommended.
Laura
If you type "IMDB Laura" into Google, this is the first result, because it's a top-rate noir mystery! The second result is "That 70's Show" alum Laura Prepon, beating out Laura Linney in a stunning upset. Laura Dern is predictably an also-ran. Anyway, check out this movie and see how ordinary Vincent Price looked before he entered the creepy mustache phase of his career.
The Conversation
Gene Hackman and Fredo are hired to spy on a CONVERSATION. Intrigue ensues. Very slowly. The ending is worth the wait.
Quick Change
Bill Murray robs a bank while dressed as a clown? How did this exist beyond my awareness? Funny throughout, with supporting roles by then-famous Geena Davis then-sane Randy Quaid. Small roles filled by greats like Tony Shaloub, Phil Hartman, and Kurtwood Smith.
The Kid Stays in the Picture
If you hear Patton Oswalt's impression of 1970's movie producer extraordinaire Robert Evans, you're kind of obligated to watch this. It's okay. Evans' narration is most certainly the selling point.
Cool Hand Luke
Finally, nearly 20 years after first enjoying Guns 'N Roses "Civil War", I watched the origin of its sampled dialogue! This was one of those movie experiences where lots of other things make more sense, from the GNR song (well, not really) to the great Stella episode where the guys call their farm supervisors "Boss", just like Paul Newman and company.
It's Kind of a Funny Story
Pretty much what you'd think it is. Fine.
The Night of the Hunter
I rented this because it's the movie that originated the much repeated idea of a convict labeling his knuckles with "LOVE" and "HATE". Not bad, not great. I guess you could say I didn't LOVE or HATE it. Get it?
Inside Job
Won the Oscar for Best Documentary, although Exit Through The Gift Shop was clearly better. This kept economics interesting, I suppose, but I can't forgive it for playing Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" in its entirety over the opening credits. God I hate that song.
GasLand
Recommended if you want to get depressed about the process of fracturing underground shale to produce natural gas. But you only need to watch the first hour - it starts to repeat itself, and the ending isn't current anymore. You can read the latest fracturing news from Pennsylvania with the time you save.
TiMER
An Instant Watch movie recommended by some friends. Low budget, but not embarrassingly so. It's breezy with a sci-fi twist. Not a lot of breezy sci-fi out there, yeah? Recommended for the ladies. Caution, gentlemen: romance ahead!
Never Let Me Go
Based on the book I read, the book Time Magazine called the finest of its decade. Kim had not read the book, and the movie made her cry. Would she recommend it? She would. She just said so just now, after I prompted her. I would too. It's got Keira Knightly, Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, AND it's directed by the same guy who gave us the music video for Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" - you remember, the one with the crucified monkey and the hog's head rotating on a spike?
Animal Kingdom
Meh. It was Australian, I guess? I'm having a hard time remembering the plot, which is a bad sign for a movie I saw a few months ago.
Ken Burns' America: Thomas Hart Benton
Benton's my favorite muralist. His old home is now a museum in Kansas City and I keep meaning to go someday. This show taught me pretty much everything I'd learn at the museum, though, right? I should probably just stay home and look at junk on my laptop instead.
The Amish: People of Preservation
I had to spend some time among the Amish a few months ago - did I tell you that? No? I spent a lot of time thinking about their hats. Of all the hats in the world to choose from, this group picked a real stinker! An especially bad decision, since they're stuck with it and can't go out and buy a cowboy hat or a floppy beach hat instead. Right. So this was available on Instant Watch and I had it on while I did some work around the house. It focused on the Pennsylvania Amish, and maybe isn't as recommended as the occasional Amish-related docs you can find on the National Geographic Channel (which I also watched around this time).
Cyrus
I can't recommend this beyond those who worship with me at John C Reilly's altar.
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
A documentary about one comedian. I was curious to know where the hell she came from, how she got popular enough to be a serious candidate for "The Tonight Show". This pretty much answered those questions. Solid.
I Am Comic
A documentary about comedians, a very broad topic covered broadly here. Very interesting in parts and tedious in others.
The Other Guys
Should have been better? Right?
The Ricky Gervais Show: Season 1
Podcasts on TV! A dumb idea that works fine in this instance but probably shouldn't start a trend.
Watchmen
Who watches the watchmen a year and a half after it's released? Me! From the perspective of a male who doesn't read graphic novels, I liked it. Rorshach's character was kind of silly to me, but the film looked amazing and Malin Akerman didn't look too bad either if you know what I mean of course you do I just wrote it explicitly.
Bored to Death: Season 1
I love noir detective stuff so much, but I was prepared to be disappointed by this HBO series. Thankfully (and in hindsight, obviously), Ted Danson + Zack Galafanakis + Jason Schwartzman = great. Not so great that I finally order HBO, but great enough to make me wish I wasn't so cheap about ordering HBO.
The Third Man
I think so highly of this masterpiece I introduced it to the lady of my life. But don't take my word for it. Take John Hodgman's podcast words for it.
The Wrong Guy
Newsradio's Dave Foley wrote and starred in this spoof of Hitchcock-style "wrongly accused man" stories. Plenty of hilarious dialogue more than makes up for the presence of Jennifer Tilly. Highly recommended.
Laura
If you type "IMDB Laura" into Google, this is the first result, because it's a top-rate noir mystery! The second result is "That 70's Show" alum Laura Prepon, beating out Laura Linney in a stunning upset. Laura Dern is predictably an also-ran. Anyway, check out this movie and see how ordinary Vincent Price looked before he entered the creepy mustache phase of his career.
The Conversation
Gene Hackman and Fredo are hired to spy on a CONVERSATION. Intrigue ensues. Very slowly. The ending is worth the wait.
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