A Great Big Convoy

I know a lot about The Simpsons. If you were paying attention, you already knew that. The lady of the house is less obsessive about decades-old cartoons, which can lead to confusion. When I say "Abortions for some" while making breakfast, she can't place the reference. And when I'm excited about a 1978 Sam Peckinpah film on cable, I just say, "Simpsons" instead of explaining that the song on which the film is based is briefly mentioned in a television commercial inside the "Radio Bart" episode.

So, last Thursday, I shared my excitement with Jack Serpentine instead.

dn: Convoy is on Reelz channel. CONVOY!
js: Holy shit! I know what I'm doing the rest of the night. Oh man, it's starting. I love that it's based on a song.



dn: Kim is not happy about this.

js: She'll be even less happy about that redneck sheriff. Now Vanessa is bitching. Ladies don't understand cinema.

dn: I am fighting pretty hard. We just switched from The Office. It's my biggest triumph.

js: The casting is pretty much perfection.


(There is a huge barfight (okay, diner-fight) between the truckers and the redneck sheriff trying to extract bribes. The truckers win, and decide they'd better haul ass across the state line.)

dn: I feel the state line is underused in modern plotlines.

js: Agreed. Totally agreed. I demand a frame-by-frame remake of this classic. I just can't think of a lead. Certainly Don Cheadle for the black guy.

dn: Jeff Bridges. Duh.

js: Nailed it. V wants Dylan McDermott. Borgnine should reprise his role.

dn: Well, obviously. Or Tom Arnold if he passes. Tarantino directs.

js: Either Tarantino or Rodriguez. Or Michael Mann. Female lead is Zooey Deschanel, right?


dn: I vote Portman. She has a track record with short hair, and she can play "tough" way better.

js: I can buy that. Zooey is more pouty than tough. P.S. I think Al is now sucked in.

dn: Jack Black is the slob trucker, Pigpen.

js: Soundtrack remixed by RZA. Although there's not much soundtrack. Mostly police sirens and truck engine revving.

js: From Al: "Eating ramen, watching Convoy, living life."

(Kris Kristofferson, AKA Rubber Duck, AKA "The Duck", leaves the convoy. The crowd asks if he's coming back.)

dn: Whew. I was worried that The Duck wouldn't be a Christ metaphor.

js: Why's it always got to be the duck?

(The convoy arrives at a small Texas town, where they rev their engines a lot, then proceed to destroy every small building in the village as they retrieve the black trucker from his jail cell.)

dn: Movie trivia: filming many takes of this scene caused the hole in the ozone layer.

js: This movie melted four glaciers.

(The convoy has to stop, because kids buying treats from an ice cream truck are clogging the road.)

js: Goddamn kids stopped the convoy? You think The Duck is going to get out of this sticky situation?

dn: Are the kids a metaphor? I need to get the Criterion DVD to confirm.

(There is an absurd climax I will not spoil for you, because I know this has really piqued your interest. Ah, hell, I know you're not going to watch it. You probably didn't even watch the embedded video earlier, even though it's AMAZING, especially considering it's a film trailer that is ostensibly trying to explain the plot to a potential audience, yet it's just a mess! Shot after shot of trucks crashing into things, usually from a helicopter's point of view! Crazy!)

js: The Duck and the sheriff are really two sides of the same coin.

(There is an absurd resolution.)

js: Now I'm just confused.

dn: Convoy. Really makes you think.

js: Well, we did it. We watched Convoy.