The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 1

[As promised, Floyd and I are going to chat online every Monday to complain about AMC's "The Walking Dead", a free television show we watch of our own free will.]

dn: Season 2 of The Walking Dead starts, and our heroes are driving a caravan down the Georgia interstate. We learn they're short on gasoline. Why are they short on gasoline? Granted, they have several cars and a huge RV, but it seems there are plenty of cars around to siphon gas from in this post-zombie world.

floyd: yeah, I felt that a lack of fuel was a weak excuse to not turn around and avoid the blocked highway

floyd: also, why did they think the highway wouldn't be blocked?

floyd: it's like Post-Apocalyptic Living 101

floyd: avoid the highway, because it's going to be crammed full of abandoned cars

floyd: or some reason

dn: it is strange there there would be sudden congestion on one short stretch of interstate. do you think there was some kind of Oceans 11-esque pulse bomb the zombies set off to disable everyone's cars?

floyd: without knowing the exact geography it's impossible to tell

floyd: I guess it was because of that overturned trailer

floyd: but why did that overturn?

floyd: that's the thing that's never really explained in zombie lore

dn: I'm dubious. Anyway,

floyd: was the traffic jam swarmed by slow-moving zombies?

floyd: which somehow made a trucker jackknife and overturn?

dn: the group decides to use this opportunity to siphon gas and search for supplies

floyd: sure

floyd: turns out there's plenty of fuel, as you pointed out

floyd: and supplies

dn: Mrs. Grimes has a problem taking things from the cars, saying, "This place is a graveyard."

floyd: but it's a graveyard!

dn: how long after the inital zombie invasion do you think this is?

dn: several months, right?

floyd: two weeks?

floyd: three?

floyd: how long did it take Grimes to find the others?

floyd: you think several months?

floyd: they're still freaking out too much for it to be that quick

dn: I guess we don't exactly know, but wouldn't you say it's time she start thinking in Post-Apocalypic terms by now?

floyd: well, sure, but I mean, for me that switch would have turned on really quickly

floyd: probably right around the first time zombies tried to kill me

floyd: and the abandoned cities and all

floyd: and the legions of corpses

dn: She should have a tougher attitude. Tough enough to do something CRAZY like TAKE FOOD FROM DEAD PEOPLE'S CARS

floyd: right

floyd: she's showing total pre-apocalypse morality

floyd: although to be fair, I don't see the problem with stealing from the dead now, so I can't really relate at all why that would be a problem

dn: yeah, that is kinda your thing

dn: with the necrophilia and all

floyd: Bring back the estate tax! Occupy Zombie Atlanta!

dn: So next...

dn: The lookout does an excellent job of looking out for zombies, because he sees one. It's next to the other hundred that he failed to see.

floyd: that are 50 yards away

floyd: all of a sudden

floyd: he was using binoculars

dn: yes. and Grimes directs everyone to get under the cars

floyd: which seems, at the time, like a terrible idea

floyd: but it almost works

floyd: because zombies can't smell people this season or something

dn: let me talk about some plot holes a moment

dn: in season one, they successfully camouflaged themselves by wearing zombie flesh.

dn: so the zombies couldn't smell their aliveness

dn: now, they can hide their smell by hiding under cars?

floyd: sounds like an Axe commercial

dn: and

dn: two of the group had to act fast because they couldn't get under cars, so they threw corpses over themselves for shields

dn: and that worked? So the zombies can smell you if they can see you, but not if you're hiding under a van?

dn: am I missing something?

floyd: I mean, I guess

dn: shall I move on?

floyd: i mean, I don't know any better

floyd: it's almost as if the zombies behavior is predicated on what will create the most suspenseful scene

dn: it's almost like this WHOLE THING is FAKE!!!

floyd: these zombies are real drama queens

floyd: did you ever consider that maybe it was a trick?

floyd: that the zombies were just pretending not to sense them as they shuffled by

floyd: and then, when the humans were lulled into a false sense of security, the zombies would turn around and slowly shuffle back and eat them?

dn: well, that would be interesting. setting them up for a later ambush

floyd: it would be more interesting than what happened, anyway

dn: so next...

dn: the little girl in the group runs off in the woods to escape some zombies, and the rest of the episode is the group trying to find that girl

dn: and it's terribly dull

floyd: well, let's go back for a second

floyd: the one zombie decides to check out the RV, which must have just reeked of manflesh

floyd: just the one

floyd: the others shuffle past

floyd: but this one is a little more canny

floyd: he smells it, the whiny panicking woman

floyd: so he checks it out

dn: she's hiding in the bathroom, so he decides to open the door, like a zombie does

floyd: but only after she decided to continue trying to reassemble the gun

floyd: and drops a piece on the floor like someone that deserves to die would do

floyd: the zombie hears this

floyd: puts it all together

floyd: "RRRaaaarrrghghg, there's people in there"

floyd: THEN tries to open the flimsy door

floyd: None of the other zombies notice this commotion

dn: no, even with all the screaming

floyd: for some reason

floyd: and, as you pointed out, she proceeds to stab the zombie in the eye socket with her mouth wide open

dn: WIDE OPEN

floyd: despite the spurting, highly contagious zombie blood

floyd: which miraculously misses her mouth and eyes

dn: like she's desperately trying to infect herself with some zombie blood in her orifice

floyd: well, she was suicidal ...

floyd: maybe she ... wanted to be infected?

floyd: TWIST

dn: going back a second, do you think a zombie can easily set up and get in that RV?

floyd: was the door even open?

dn: yes, but I always thought they took the path of least resistance

floyd: God

floyd: ok, let's follow this really quick

floyd: man stands on top of 14 foot RV with binoculars

floyd: doesn't see zombies until they're right fucking on top of everybody

floyd: not even enough time to warn the woman IN THE RV DIRECTLY BELOW HIM

floyd: that there's zombies on the way

floyd: she's caught by surprise

floyd: by these fucking zombies

floyd: ugh

floyd: ok, Christ, moving on

floyd: it's just, would it be that hard to set up the zombie shuffle-by better?

dn: yeah, seems like she could have closed the RV door

floyd: it's just so goddam lazy

dn: the writers just try to think of ways to get close human/zombie proximitiy on camera

floyd: so all the zombies go by except for the two stragglers

floyd: despite the rrrhaarrrging, and the screaming

floyd: remember Dan, it's not about the zombies, it's how these regular people cope with living in a zombie world

dn: bleh

dn: anyway, the girl goes missing, so Grimes and Co. have to search for her

floyd: can we talk about that for just a second?

dn: yup

floyd: this girl gets noticed by zombies

floyd: the mom doesn't make a fucking peep

dn: you think she should have made noise to draw the zombies toward her?

floyd: well, she should have done something if she was going to play guilt trip for the rest of the episode

floyd: on Grimes, the only one with enough balls to actually try to save the child

dn: right, so mistakes were made, and she gets lost in the woods.

floyd: after the least exciting chase scene since ...

dn: Grimes and redneck guy go searching for her, and come across a new zombie, which is shot in the face with a crossbow

dn: they realize he's eaten recently, and decide to cut him open to see if he has little girl in his stomach

dn: they find the remains of a woodchuck. like, the whole skull of a woodchuck. in the zombie stomach.

floyd: is that what it was?

floyd: I didn't see that, I was eating

dn: pretty sure they pulled out bones, a skull specifically, because how else would you know what rodent it was?

floyd: I just took their word for it

dn: this raises a billion questions about zombie digestion, and the zombie's quest for flesh in general

floyd: exactly

dn: if they NEED flesh to eat and survive, why are there so many half-eaten humans lying around?

floyd: and how did that zombie catch a freaking woodchuck?

floyd: I mean, woodchucks aren't as agile as many other rodents

floyd: but they're still hard to catch

floyd: for a living human

dn: Yeah! I don't think zombies can even bend over far enough to pick a dead woodchuck off the ground!

floyd: much less the slow-moving, creaking undead

floyd: those zombies chasing that girl were almost running, though

dn: yeah. not 28 Days Later speed, but ambling kinda fast

floyd: they probably had the agility to bend over

floyd: if the woodchuck was actually dead

floyd: the zombies did eat that horse in the first season

floyd: maybe the woodchuck was injured?

dn: and climbed up the zombie and went to sleep on his shoulder?

floyd: haha

floyd: I just pictured a zombie woodchuck sitting on a zombie shoulder

floyd: the woodchuck was basically the puppet from Caddyshack

floyd: now that's what they should have pulled out of the stomach

dn: haha

floyd: "It's ... it's a hand puppet ..."

floyd: "

floyd: and then the Caddyshack song plays

floyd: "It's alright .... nobody's looking at me"

dn: this show needs more Kenny Loggins

floyd: and then zombie Rodney Dangerfield appears

floyd: STILL GETS NO RESPECT

dn: can we talk about the church?

floyd: haha

floyd: yes

dn: so they hear bells ringing, and find a church in a clearing

dn: your typical rural Georgia church in the clearing of some dense woods

dn: the doors are closed, so they open them and see...

dn: 3 zombies in pews, facing Jesus at the altar

dn: those zombies aren't hungry? Don't wanna get out of that room and explore?

floyd: I think it was a metaphor

dn: for a shitty tv show?

floyd: something like that

floyd: it was meant to make the audience ask the question: Was Jesus the first zombie?

floyd: the answer is no, no he wasn't

floyd: Lazarus was the first zombie

floyd: it's in the Bible

floyd: anyway

dn: the doors weren't barricaded or locked, you know. and those bells were ringing every 10 minutes or so - they should have been drawn to the sound

floyd: it made absolutely no sense

floyd: these zombies follow no code

floyd: question:

floyd: because I can't remember

floyd: have they explained how zombie-ism is spread?

dn: not really, but biting seems like the cause. you'd assume any zombie blood would also infect you

floyd: I mean, would would assume, but we'd also assume that zombies wouldn't just sit in an unlocked church, or eat woodchucks, or shuffle down the highway for no reason

floyd: I'm just saying, we haven't seen anyone turn yet

floyd: and there are corpses just laying around that aren't zombies

floyd: with no apparent head trauma

dn: right. did it not say anything about it in the comic?

floyd: the comic was worse than the show

floyd: and I can't really remember if it did

floyd: I mean, I think it's just going on those assumptions

floyd: but these people don't appear terribly careful around zombie blood

floyd: bashing brains in with rocks with their eyes open, stabbing while screaming, etc.

dn: wearing zombie flesh on their person. anyway, let's move on to the final sequence, where the group splits up and heads back toward their cars

floyd: God this episode was long

floyd: and they split up after TWO desperate pleas to Jesus

dn: Well, when you have a Jesus statue handy, you gotta use it

dn: the guy's not omnipresent, you know

floyd: haha

floyd: how predictable was it that Grimes wasn't religious?

dn: "I'm a Sheriff. I believe in the law."

floyd: tough as nails, that one

dn: "I'm still wearing a badge for some reason."

floyd: a cuckold, but tough as nails

dn: so Grimes, the redneck, and Grimes Jr are walking in the woods and come across a deer.

floyd: so they split up

floyd: smartly taking the child with them

dn: Redneck goes to shoot the deer with his bow

dn: probably because it's bow season and not rifle.

dn: once you down a buck with a bow, Floyd, you never go back to a gun

floyd: they don't want to fire the guns, because it would attract zombies

dn: Grimes stops him from firing

dn: the bow

floyd: because the kid wants to get close to the fully grown deer with a full rack

floyd: terrible parenting

floyd: wait

dn: and because he doesn't want to collect meat for the group from which to live off of

floyd: it's not the redneck

floyd: it's Shane

floyd: with a shotgun

dn: oh sorry

floyd: the redneck went back with the others, for some reason

dn: so they let Grimes Jr walk up to the deer

floyd: so to be fair, shooting a deer with a shotgun is pretty stupid

dn: I don't know why

floyd: because they're both terrible parents

dn: was he going to pet a deer? try to ride it like a horse?

dn: break its neck?

floyd: get gutted by antlers?

floyd: that's what I thought was going to happen

dn: yeah man, When Animals Attack

floyd: wipe that shit-eating grin right off of that dumb kid

floyd: "and that's why you always leave a note"

dn: instead, we hear a rifle shot, and the bullet is fired from somewhere in the distance, goes through the deer and hits Grimes Jr in the stomach

floyd: that is one high-powered rifle and a lucky shot

floyd: or unlucky, I guess, if you didn't want the kid to die

dn: so the end of this episode

dn: I'm not happy with it

floyd: be honest, though: would you have expected the episode to end with anything other than a shameless deus ex machina?

dn: It's going to focus them on healing this kid now

dn: when I want to see them going somewhere cool and doing something cool

floyd: man, are you looking forward to an hour of people acting anguished over a dying child?

floyd: a child with a high-powered rifle bullet in his freaking gut?

dn: it's a disappointing turn

dn: another disappointing turn

floyd: Tony Soprano barely survived a gut shot from a Midnight Special

floyd: this kid, in a sane world, wouldn't stand a chance

floyd: but this isn't a sane world, is it Dan?

dn: it sure isn't

floyd: in a world where 1% of the population controls 50% of its wealth?

dn: until next week?

floyd: sure

dn: see you then

floyd: I'll work on more ways to push Occupy propaganda

floyd: later

dn: good times. bye.