Sunday, November 28, 2010

Holiday Embarrassments 2010

Did your aunt heap praise on "Sarah Palin's Alaska"? Did you see a Goldline pamphlet next to your father's recliner? Did New England running back Benjarvus Green-Ellis' name and/or race inspire lamentable comments from Gramps?

Communicate your "favorite" holiday moments in the comments.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Card Me

I don't know anyone who has ever run out of their initial supply of business cards. I assume it takes a special kind of douche to force them upon strangers so frequently that you'd need to reload.

One inconsequential line of my signature block changed a few weeks ago, so new business cards were printed for everyone in the area. I looked at the box of my old cards, and considered the staggering amount of similar paper waste that goes on every day in businesses across the globe, and I wondered how these old cards could be meaningfully re-purposed.

As a youth, I'd build multi-story complexes from playing cards, and then shoot rubber bands at them until they crumbled. (It's hard to say why I chose to do this; either we didn't have Nintendo yet, or my sibling was playing a marathon Dragon Warrior session.)

I knew just one well-placed rubber band would collapse this structure, so I instead chose to see how long it would survive on my desk.

A few hours later, a young woman walked into the cube and intentionally fanned her notebook toward the pyramid.

HER: "I didn't think it would fall down!"
ME: "It's a HOUSE of CARDS!"
HER: "I thought you taped them together."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana

Today someone cleaned their cubicle with a Corporate Express (Staples) aerosol cleaning spray. It initally smelled like oranges, and gradually the olfactory cloud spoiled.

What I'm trying to say is: it literally smelled like vomit at work today.

* * *

Worse guy in the adjacent bathroom stall: sighing loudly, or talking on his phone?

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Are You Cereal?

Since I never shut up about it, I'm sure you all know that I love Cracklin' Oat Bran more than any other cereal. Many weeks ago, HyVee slashed the cost of this pricey yet delicious breakfast; a box could be had for TWO DOLLARS! Since I never shut up about it, I'm sure you know that represents more than half the usual retail price.

I purchased six boxes. As I'm sure you all know, I have breezed through that stockpile; I'll finish the final box on Friday or Monday. Then it's back to the eternal struggle: buy more COB at the top shelf price, or slum it with store-brand mini-wheats or honey-oat-bunches? Since I never shut up about it, I'm sure you all know that I hate to spend more than two dollars on a box of cereal.

I eat a bowl of cereal almost every single weekday morning.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Bleh Market

I saw these bull/bear cufflinks at Nordstrom yesterday:

They're perfect for the asshole on your Christmas shopping list. Only $150! Buy them now! 47 shopping days left!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Tea Party Time

Matt: Is Kentucky serious? Rand Paul?

dn: Hard to believe Kentucky would make a bad decision.

Matt: I guess I didn't take the Tea Party seriously. I kinda thought they were joking.

Monday, November 01, 2010


Getting ready for Show Zero tonight at 11 pm (10 Central).

Lost in all the excitement? Once Conan's TBS show starts, you'll have something to watch at 11 pm (10 Central) when you're away from home in a Comedy-Central-less hotel.