Thursday, March 31, 2005

MSM, IDU, and HIV / AIDS

dukkillr read this and wrote about it on his website. Below is that Daily Limit post, including an HIV/AIDS epidemiologist's italicized comments. I know that I'm Sean Penning this issue, but I feel that Mr. Dukkillr made some poor conclusions from the data - my two cents couldn't change his view, so maybe the words of an expert will:

44% of AIDS (HIV and AIDS combined) cases (are presumed to) come directly from gay sex, 16% come from IV drug use, and 4% of infections come from both (both as defined by someone who both injects drugs and is a MSM [Man who has Sex with Men]). 34% come from heterosexual intercourse, but that intercourse is with a "High Risk" individual. What constitutes a "High Risk" individual? Individuals who have had past gay relationships and/or were an IV drug user. (this is also not 100% true, because the true definition includes heterosexual contact with a person known to be HIV positive regardless of their risk for infection, sex with an IDU [Injection Drug Use], sex with a bisexual male, or sex with transfusion/transplant recipient with HIV)

So only 2% of AIDS cases come from "other"� places such as getting infected platelets (Ryan White was infected this way) or "dirty sticks" in the healthcare field (a constant concern while I was working in the hospital). (dirty sticks are extremely low risk, there is very little chance that a person will become infected with HIV via needlestick, Hep B maybe, but not HIV. Some of the reduction in the number of cases associated with any type of contamination is due to the existence of pep and improved testing of blood banks, etc. Because these numbers are cumulative numbers divided by risk they will naturally become a smaller proportion of the cases as time progresses and measures are taken to prevent such infections. This is a simple intervention and has obviously been more effective here then in other areas of the world where hospital acquired HIV remains a problem.)

So to summarize:

98% of AIDS cases in the US = from risky behavior. (While this may appear true with these statistics it isn't completely true because while the original source for the heterosexual cases may have been IV drug defining the secondary infection was via heterosexual contact.)

"Risky Behavior" = Using IV drugs, having homosexual intercourse, or having heterosexual intercourse with someone who uses IV drugs or has homosexual intercourse.
(or having unprotected sex with someone whose infection status you do not know or someone who doesn't know their status. The definition of risky behavior seems to be rather judgemental. All people are responsible for themselves and themselves alone, we can not completely control the actions of our partners and what we don't know can hurt us.)

AIDS cases caused by homosexual contact outnumber the infections by IV drug use by a 3:1 ratio.

2% of AIDS cases in the U.S. = bad luck. (or unsafe procedural action)

Key Point: If we assume that the disease is a "gay and IDU disease" then we will not adequately protect ourselves from infection. It is not difficult to imagine that as the disease becomes more prevalent in the heterosexual community (as the current statistics nearly everywhere indicate) even currently monogamous relationships could encounter the disease through behaviors from previous partners. The old adage that says "when you have sex with someone you have sex with all of their previous partners and their partners, etc." is relatively accurate at least for diseases that remain active for a lifetime. It is crazy to believe that the disease is only a disease for any group, because the possibility of cross-over is likely. There are always people secretly or openly playing on both sides of the "plate." I would also like to reiterate that the statistics he is quoting are likely based on estimations that redistribute risk (i.e. move those whose risk is unknown into categories based on historical proportions) which could potentially overinflate those groups which have been historically over-represented.

Finger Foods

Heather writes:
here's a thought for you: why do vending machines have Braille on them? Like on the key pads. You can't see what's in the machine (e.g. what is B7). Does a blind person say fuck it, I'm going with C17 - 6/10 it's been Cheetos. I'm feeling lucky today.
This will keep me awake tonight.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Mighty Casey

There was good news and bad news for the Minnesota Twins this week. The good news - Jacque "3rd out" Jones is trade bait. The bad news - Bob Casey, Twins' PA announcer for over 3,000 games, died. I grew to appreciate Bob during my year as a Twins season ticket holder, but felt I couldn't adequately eulogize the man. Instead, I asked friend and season ticket partner Jeff to sum up the glory that was Bob Casey:
Bob Casey was the biggest part of the Metrodome experience, the perfect ringleader of baseball's indoor circus. Most kids come away from their first major league ball game with a sundae helmet and inspiration from having seen their heroes up close. I distinctly remember thinking, "what was up with that guy's voice?" (they were out of sundae helmets).

Since I learned of his death the other day, I've been trying to characterize what made his voice unique, and the best thing I can come up with is that he sounded like a pretentious carnie. But Bob Casey was baseball, or at least baseball as I knew it under the Big Top. Was he senile? Yes. Was he drunk most of the time? Probably. Did he have a voice that made you wonder why people paid him to use it? Absolutely. But these things are in the job description (see: Harry Caray). We used to laugh at him when he would literally pass out mid-game, and stop announcing players, or better yet when he would catch himself and blurt a punchy, "now...Guzmn..."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: As I remember, there was one game that Jeff attended without me - the Twins were playing the Indians. The Twins crushed them, but, if memory serves, Thome got in a few bombs of his own, even hitting one ball off the curtain in the right-center upper deck. Anyway, the hits were coming at such a furious pace, poor Bob Casey struggled to keep things together at the mic. That's when he went into panic mood, "Uhh--Guzman." I wish I would have been there that night.]

I always loved when the Jays were in town because four times a game we got to hear Bob try and say "Frank Catalanotto." He would butcher it but still deliver the goods, "Cannananadanaaaaa..." Some days, Bob's only sign of life would be his announcement that there was NO SMOKING in the Metrodome, and he would turn it into a stupid joke, like, "If you must smoke, (insert punchline: quit, move to Wisconsin, etc.)" He was kind of a running joke and a gimmick, but I still get chills when I think back to the late 80's/early 90's when the Metrodome was full..."and now batting [the "a" in batting sounds like a soft "o"], the center fielder, KIRBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PUCKETT!!!"...cut to crowd going apeshit, myself included. Thank you, Bob.

-jeff.
Well, now we know that Kirby was a horrible person that may have deserved his affliction. It's safe to say that history will be more kind to Mr. Casey. Thanks for the memories, Bob. I wish the upper deck acoustics would have allowed me to comprehend more of your ramblings.

Noble Experiment

I saw my gastrointestinal doctor Monday. The anti-tumor necrosis factor alpha IVs are working; still, to further encourage my once huge fistula to heal, he is prescribing metronidazole pills (trade name Flagyl). Flagyl is usually used to treat people with parasites -- for reasons unknown, it also helps heal fistulas in those with Crohn's disease.

Here's a little snippet from Flagyl's package insert:
If patients receiving
Flagyl metronidazole tablets drink alcoholic beverages, they may experience abdominal distress, nausea, vomiting, flushing, or headache.
My physician advised me that my chance of a bad alcohol/antibiotic interaction is nearly 1 in 5. He suggested I spend a lazy afternoon determining my body's tolerance -- drink half a beer, sit around for about 6 hours, check for adverse reaction(s). If I'm feeling fine, I'm likely not going to have any problems during my course of treatment, and I can drink as I please.

I'm not too sold on his theory; I'm soliciting advice from Tornado Slide readers. I prefer advice from those outside of the Lawrence area, from readers who wouldn't directly benefit from my months of designated driving.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Heather on Holiday

Frequent commenter Heather visited over the weekend and experienced the bounty and beef of Kansas. We had some laughs, much like we did a year or so ago when she sent an e-mail about salsa:
I bought a jar of Chi-chi's salsa. On the lid it says "Even when you are not hungry". Yes...eat salsa when you are not hungry and get fat because what do you eat salsa with...chips.
I surmised that Chi-chi's marketing strategy could easily be applied to other products with great success. Think about the possibilities!

"Condoms, even when you're not having sex"

"Treadmills, even when you are not conscious"

Monday, March 28, 2005

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Boner

This year's March Madness has been overrun with Cialis commercials. After my 3,000th viewing, it struck me - while Viagra and Cialis are good for those with erectile dysfunction, most Americans don't need these drugs. Most of us actually need the OPPOSITE of Cialis: America needs an over-the-counter anti-boner pill. Got a long flight? Take one! Hernia checkup? Take one! Job interview? Take one! Headed to your daughter's high school volleyball game?* Take two!

*Example credited to the roommate. Other examples? Post a comment!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Fiona Freed

Fiona Apple's new album, long delayed by Sony, has been leaked.

Low Grade Fever

Bill Simmons had some thoughts on the upcoming Jimmy Fallon vehicle Fever Pitch, which I previously discussed:
So here's my question: Why am I rooting so hard for a movie that prominently involves footage of Fenway Park, David Ortiz, the 2004 World Series celebration, the city of Boston and everything else to fail?

I narrowed it down to four reasons:

1. Not only was Nick Hornby's book about following an English soccer team, not only was it one of the better sports books ever written, but they already MADE it into a movie eight years ago. If you're going to bastardize the idea and Americanize it about the Red Sox, at least call it something different. I'm not sure why this enrages me, but it does. The lack of creativity in Hollywood is appalling. It really is.

2. If you're making a Red Sox movie, and you want Sox fans to like it, you cannot cast Jimmy Fallon. You just can't. It's bad enough that he admitted he doesn't like sports, and that he's had three favorite baseball teams over the course of his life -- the Mets, Yankees and Red Sox. More important, it's Jimmy Fallon! He's your choice as a diehard Sox fan, a guy who always looks like he's wearing makeup? Who was the runner-up for the role, the lead singer from Train? Think of it this way -- imagine if Jimmy Fallon played either of the lead roles in "Good Will Hunting"? Would that have EVER happened? So why the hell is he in this movie? I always thought the casting of Timothy Hutton and Michael Rapaport in "Beautiful Girls" was the least realistic casting of any Massachusetts character ever, but this one takes the cake. They could have hired 50 Cent to play the lead character and it would have been more realistic.

3. The trailer screams "chick flick," which is bad enough, but the scene where Fallon's character drops to his knee and makes the Opening Day proposal ... I mean, what guy would ever do that, and what woman wouldn't kill him with her bare hands afterwards? Is it possible to take the movie seriously after that scene? I say no. I'm also worried that this is one of those movies that will give women ideas -- like, "If Drew Barrymore can tame Jimmy Fallon and get him to stop watching so much sports by the end of this movie, maybe my man will follow suit!"

4. I don't blame Fallon and Drew Barrymore for being on the field right after Game 4 of the World Series, since they were actors just doing their job; if anything, I blame the Red Sox for allowing it to happen, as well as the Farrellys for not understanding how offensive that moment was for every Red Sox fan who had been waiting their entire life to see their team finally win a championship -- it was like cutting the umbilical cord of your first baby while Fallon and Barrymore were inexplicably making out five feet away. The fact remains, it happened, there's no going back, and I hope the movie bombs because of it.

DC By the Numbers

Conference attendees: 1593

Attractive female conference attendees: ~20

Notably attractive female conference attendees: 3 (2 more than last year)

Notable obese conference attendees: 1 (roughly 4,000 lbs.)

Offensive photos taken: 2 (giving the finger to the White House, the Capitol)

Offensive photos not taken: 6 (kicking a wheelchaired FDR in the face, peeing on FDR's dog, humping Eleanor Roosevelt, giving the finger to Honest Abe, Jefferson, and the Supreme Court)

Heavily conceptual photos taken: 1 (the Washington monument in the background, a barbed wire fence in the foreground. Think about it.)

Items I wanted to buy in the Japanese shop in Dupont: 5

Items actually bought: 1

Number of times I heard a panhandler yell "I KNOW my place in America" to passersby outside the Japanese shop in Dupont: ~14

Karaoke songs performed: 6 (Rocky Raccoon, Rebel Yell, Cecelia (duet), Against All Odds, Cracklin' Rosie, Dream On)

Foreign beers sampled: 2 (Japanese: Ahsi (sp?), Russian: Baltika #9)

Great Debaters Seen: 3 (Jefferson, Lincoln, Webster)

Great Debates Had: 1 (Should lotion be considered a performance-enhancing supplement when used for handjobs?)

Other handjob-related conversations: 2 (Zach refuses to use the airplane blankets - they are too often used to shield handjobs. The other involves Duke's J.J. Redick.)
Duke basketball player stories heard from a Duke alumna: 2 (Horvath once cried to the alumna in a hallway at the Sigma Nu house. He was upset because everyone thought he was ugly. Coach K even told him that lame joke about his mom having to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dog to play with him. The alumnus spared his feelings and told him he wasn't ugly. Horvath then tried to make out with her - she declined, as he is indeed quite ugly. In other Duke news, it seems J.J. Redick isn't averse to going to a party, meeting an attractive fellow, and giving him a handjob.)

Metro lines used: 2 (blue and red)

Times I wished I had brought my laptop and its sweet sweet wireless card: 5

Times I wondered how DC's signature row houses were built: 6

Times stabbed: 0

Times I thought I could get stabbed: 3

Times I heard about how great Ben's Chili Bowl was: 12

Meals eaten at Ben's: 0

Katherines met: 2 (and a Kathy!)

Gay couples seen in Dupont Circle: (lost count)

Inexcusable Powerpoint errors seen: 3 (Black text on white background for entire presentation - I mean, Jesus, let's at least use one of the preformatted themes! Another presentation had a blue background, which is fine, but a pie chart within that presentation had a blue slice. I can't see blue on blue, bitches! Another figure had light blue background with white text - a contrast of colors that my eyes couldn't handle. Boo. Boo to all of you fuckers bringing such trash to a national convention. Boo. And this wasn't an error, but at the end of one presentation, the woman brought up her final slide which read, in normal font, "That's all, folks!". No accompanying picture of Bugs Bunny - nothing except that phrase. The room ERUPTED in laughter. It was very, very odd.)

Cash in wallet upon arrival: $190

Cash in wallet upon departure: $9

Good to be back home.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Are You Sure You Want A Monkey?


I will be out of town for a week or so. In the meantime, please enjoy the cover page of a brochure I found while cleaning out my work files. The text of the brochure is online - all you have to do is Google "are you sure you want a monkey". I'm serious. You'll get all the great monkey advice you've come to expect from the Simian Society of America. You won't get the rendering of a monkey, though. You'll only get that here at Tornado Slide.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The Loss to Science

I was tired of reading shit like this:
'Liberalism Will Die'

Despite some disagreement, Calvert, Harris and the Discovery Institute collectively favor efforts to change state teaching standards. Bypassing the work of a 26-member science standards committee that rejected revisions, the Kansas board's conservative majority recently announced a series of "scientific hearings" to discuss evolution and its critics.

The board's chairman, Steve Abrams, said he is seeking space for students to critically analyze" the evidence.

That approach appeals to Cindy Duckett, a Wichita mother who believes public school leaves many religious children feeling shut out. Teaching doubts about evolution, she said, is "more inclusive. I think the more options, the better."

"If students only have one thing to consider, one option, that's really more brainwashing," said Duckett, who sent her children to Christian schools because of her frustration. Students should be exposed to the Big Bang, evolution, intelligent design "and, beyond that, any other belief that a kid in class has. It should all be okay."

Fox -- pastor of the largest Southern Baptist church in the Midwest, drawing 6,000 worshipers a week to his Wichita church -- said the compromise is an important tactic. "The strategy this time is not to go for the whole enchilada. We're trying to be a little more subtle," he said.

To fundamentalist Christians, Fox said, the fight to teach God's role in creation is becoming the essential front in America's culture war. The issue is on the agenda at every meeting of pastors he attends. If evolution's boosters can be forced to back down, he said, the Christian right's agenda will advance.

"If you believe God created that baby, it makes it a whole lot harder to get rid of that baby," Fox said. "If you can cause enough doubt on evolution, liberalism will die."

Like Meyer, Fox is glad to make common cause with people who do not entirely agree.

"Creationism's going to be our big battle. We're hoping that Kansas will be the model, and we're in it for the long haul," Fox said. He added that it does not matter "who gets the credit, as long as we win."
So I wrote the board of education. The letter I sent is a little longer, but is not seen in its entirety due to cyberspace/Blogger eating it yesterday evening. If I ever get a response from the Board, it may contain my original sent message, and I will add the extra paragraphs:
I grew up in Kansas. I graduated from high school here, and I graduated with a degree in microbiology from Kansas State University.

My graduate school classmates at The University of Minnesota's School of Public Health were aware of these facts. So, when our professor casually mocked my home state during a lecture, saying, "...unless you're from Kansas, and you don't believe in evolution," many of the heads in the room swiveled to see my reaction. I frowned.

I was not pleased to be labeled as a disbeliever simply because of my state of origin. I had already graduated from high school by 1999, when the Kansas Board of Education first de-emphasized evolution, and had a good understanding of the subject. Still, because of the publicity that resulted from the Board's decision, I was stigmatized. I was a less educated scientist until I could prove otherwise to my classmates and my professor.

[transition paragraph goes here - I wrote something about how I'm not happy with the Board, how I'm not happy that my science degree from Kansas looks less and less impressive as our science standards become less science-ish.]

Please teach science -- and only science -- in science class.
I was able to restrain myself from writing something like, "There is more than one theory about the holocaust, too, but no one is clamoring for those alternative theories to be included in our high school history books."

Monday, March 14, 2005

Keywords to my Heart

Here's the latest list of referrals to Tornado Slide. Please note I have stopped keeping track of the number of times people search for pictures of Ashlee Simpson's buttcrack and the Hardee's bullriding girl - those searches will not be included in future round-ups.

The most interesting/puzzling searches are in bold:

tornado explain (Yahoo Video)
scarlett johansen pictures (Yahoo)
motley crue concert review (Technorati)
"c'mon hide your lovers underneath the covers" (Google) (only hit!)
Ben Folds lyrics "Bitches Ain't Shit" (Google)
sexy hardee's commercials, video downloads (Google)
"serial killer" (Technorati)
topeka tornado basketball (Yahoo)
Sexhouse (MSN)
ben folds ho's and tricks (Google)
tornado chaser girl (Yahoo)
Sexwhore (Yahoo)
ben folds "bitches ain't shit" (Google)
Sextogo (MSN)
elisha cuthbert+reader's digest (Yahoo)
btk kiley (MSN)
"in the air tonight" nonpoint download (Yahoo)
Sextogo (AOL)
Sexfarm (AOL Germany)
"lonely people" +"think it's kind of" lyrics (Google)
Jimm (Blogpulse)
parked "make out" Cutlass (Yahoo)
"zach braff is hot" (Google)
dennis rader gap teeth (Yahoo)
modest mouse setlist, february 25 (Yahoo)
silverback gorilla v grizzly bear who would win. (Yahoo UK)
Lisa Hannigan (Google UK)
Ben Folds Album release 9/11/01 (Google)
harmon leon (Yahoo)
mp3 "in the air tonight" nonpoint (Google)
winona rider valium (Google)
pictures of ashlee simpson's butt crack (Yahoo)
meth mites pictures (Google)
Carl's jr bullriding (Google)
Tittyfuckin (Google)
Ashlee Simpson butt crack pictures (Blogpulse)
anal OR ass deep sigmoid dildo OR toy OR fist (Google)
Bruce Affleck Crohn's Disease (Google)
"bull riding" commercial Carl's (Google)
"bullride" photos 2005 (Google)
bb king commercials diabetes +kid (Google)
crank bug pictures meth (AOL)
KU calendar (Technorati)
ali 93x hot chick of the day (Google)
tittyfuckin (MSN)
bridge over troubled water lyrics LSD (Google)

Oh, and if you're curious about a link between acid and the Simon and Garfunkel hit, you can check out the lyrics. If you find them to be AT ALL psychedelic, let me know.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

The Other Archives - Fernando

From winter 2001:

I was studying for the Biostatistics final in my apartment. It was night, and I heard some commotion from the apartment I share a wall with. The only things/words I'm CERTAIN I heard that night were:

"Don't EVER call me MOTHERFUCKER! Don't you EVER call me motherFUCKER!"

I believe there was a slap or hit of some kind before, after, or between these statements. There was also talk of one person wanting the other person (the one who was slapped) the fuck out of the apartment. Then there was nothing for the rest of the night - nothing I heard, anyway.

Fast forward to the next day; I, again, was dutifully studying for a biostatistics test that would turn out to be amazingly simple. I heard voices again from next door, and forced myself to write some of the lines down (these lines have been on 2 post-it notes on my desk for the last 7 months, and thank God I can finally throw those away).

First there was sounds that may have been the moving of things in a closet, such as the sound that may have been wire hangers moving on a rod. Then I believe there was the sound of a door unlocking and opening, followed immediately by a "where are you going/what are you doing sort of comment by a man I believe to be Robert. (Robert, although I have never met him, must be the name, as people sometimes come around to the back parking lot and shout up to his window, "Robert!", prompting him to leave the apartment, go downstairs and let them in the building. I may have seen Robert before, but there's no way to tell, as it may have been a friend of his entering/exiting the apartment.) The following is from my post-it notes from that morning, verbatim, keeping in mind there was MUCH emotion in these words, more than CAPS or italics would do justice, so much so that I'm not going to bother:

Fernando don't go!
I'll change!
I will change
I promise you
I am sick enough
I am jealous enough
Why me?
I'll change
I promise you, Fernando!
I will I will I will
I'm sorry
I won't ever do it again
I'll be good
I'm sorry Fernando…no…NO!
I'll never do it again!
Please forgive me I will be different…no, really honey
I won't ever hurt you ever again
I promise you
I don't know, Fernando, I don't know
Will you stay for Christmas?
It's only one week
-but Fernando you don't TALK to me!
Do you think I have a right to be jealous?
I promise I will never do that again. NEVER! NEVER!!!

very long pause, Robert ends his audible diatribe, the final line belonging to Fernando:

Goodbye.

With that, it was over, and Fernando left. A few minutes later, I heard the Righteous Brothers' Unchained Melody through the wall - a touch of tenderness by this man who hit his boyfriend and positively wailed his case to his victim, only to be left alone (a week before Christmas!) I'm not sure what terms they're on now. I have heard Fernando's loud Latino music in early 2002, but I haven't seen him lately. I do not miss him.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Brutal Doodle


The Wichita Eagle online posted this image, the signature of serial killer BTK. The police & FBI had to use this piece of crap to validate BTK's communications. The lameness of this doodle should extend his prison sentence by no fewer than 5 life terms; alternatively, should he be sentenced to death, they should, like, kill him twice. Just brutal. I've seen better boobies drawn by Asian high school students. Seriously - his name was Hung Lam. Now that was a guy I expected to become a serial killer. In fact, I think he was voted "Most Likely to Commit Fetishized Murder" by his fellow seniors. Hard to believe the yearbook committee thought it fit to include such inappropriate "most likely" categories. I still can't believe they got it past the yearbook advisor. Man, those were the days.

The Other Archives - Why I'm Friends With Phil

I'm sick today, which means I don't have to write something original. My only responsibilities on sick days are to A.> watch Dawson's Creek, and B.> discover that Comedy Central shows reruns of Upright Citizen's Brigade in the early afternoon. UCB! Why was I not told? I may never go to work again, folks.

These e-mails are about a year old:

So it's cold here...really cold...all the time. It's snowed almost everyday I've been here and I've seen the sun maybe twice. Anyway, about 6:00 pm yesterday I decided it was too cold to do anything. Then I kept thinking it was making me feel cold inside of my own house. Then I checked the thermostat. Set for 68. Actual temp...54. So, the gas was out.

We called the gas company and there was a message saying they knew of the gas leak and would be going door to door to fix the problem. Great. So, by 12:30 am no one had been by so we put on a bunch of clothes, blankets, etc and went to bed. Current temp inside...44. Surely they'll come tomorrow morning. Right?

At about 1:15 as I was drifting off to sleep I thought I saw someone walk by the window. This turned out to be false so I went to sleep. No heat.

At 3:37 am the doorbell rings. The gas company. We're here to turn the heat back on. What? What's going on? The exchange went something like this:

Gas Lady: I'm here to turn the heat on...can I come in?

Me: Sure. [drowsy]

GL: Where's the furnace...in the back?

Me: Yep. [little less drowsy]

GL: You don't have it turned on do you? Did you know the gas was even out?

Me: I knew [current temp according to Casey...38]

Suddenly thermostat LCD goes blank...nothing.

GL: OK, turn it back on.

Me: Doesn;t work...screen's blank.

GL: I know. Now turn it back on.

Me: No switch.

Gas Lady looks at screen...says...

GL: Uh oh.

Anyway, this continued for quite a while until suddenly it came back on.

I have never been awoken by the gas company before. By then I thought...we would have froze to death. What happens if they don't turn the heat back on. Would it be like a cartoon where I would wake up in a giant block of ice? What mold did they use [off camera presumably] that those characters came out in such a perfectly shaped block?

> Did you act like Balky and Larry in the episode of perfect strangers where they were > trapped in a ski lodge (?) with no heat, and Larry said something like, "you know,
> we could stay warm by BODY HEAT" suggestively to the flight attendant he liked?
> Did you act like that?

Yes, it was exactly like Perfect Strangers. Do you realize that at one point in my life I had four, 4 hour tapes of Perfect Strangers. I taped them off ABC...not the reruns but the originals. I bet they would be worth like 5 bucks today...basically the same price as the tapes.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Red, White, and Crue Review

Paul once changed an office computer's wallpaper to a photo of Spandau Ballet - this guy knows his music. Taking a break from his doctorate work, he took the time to file this report:
last night i attended the motley crue concert in columbus, oh, and i thought i owe you a review. i would probably give the whole production an 8.5 out of 10. going in, i was a little skeptical about vince neil's voice, but i was pleasantly surprised. the whole band sounded extremely good, with obviously one of the best drummers ever. they played a great selection of songs with multiple selections from "Too Fast for Love". there were the obvious high points, with "Girls, Girls, Girls" and "Dr. Feelgood", and there were lighters lit from here to cleveland with "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)."

the show itself was unbelieveable. it had everything a concert should have: loud music, fire, explosions, midgets, strippers, topless chicks in the stands, elevated drum sets, chanting crowds, and lots of alcohol being consumed by the band on stage. the metal sign could almost be used as a form of currency at this place.

you know, i've tried to get into new hard rock bands like slipknot, seven dust, etc. and i've even went to a few of their concerts. it just doesn't compare to someone like the crue. at concerts for these new bands, i spend half the time trying to figure out who just shoved me and how long it's going to be before i get hit in the face. it's almost impossible to have a great time. then you go see the crue, and it's almost impossible to not have a great time. true, mick mars may have to be wheeled around by the end of the tour since he can barely move, but it really is better.

they bring the elements of sleaze and fun back to hard rock that new bands just don't offer. so, if the crue hits kansas any time soon, i highly recommend checking it out. it's a 2 hour escape back into the late 1980s that makes you appreciate the hollywood strip and its contribution to music.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Dear Google: I'm Dumb. Need Kill Wife. Please Help.

There's a dude - a professor, no less - on trial for murder here in Lawrence. Recent testimony in the case has focused on the internet searches the professor performed before the murder. Keeping in mind that it's difficult to tell if these are the exact searches entered as evidence (i.e. if he used quotes or the they are the journalist's...pretty sloppy Googling if he didn't use quotes...), they are:
"how to murder someone and not get caught"
"extradition United States"
"Colorless odorless poison"
"Colorless odorless poison murder perfect"
"Murder for hire"
"The best way to kill someone"
"Eye drops murder"
The first sign that you're going to be a bad criminal? Asking the internet how to execute the perfect crime. The second sign? Searching for subtle techniques like poisoning, then killing your ex-wife with "about 28 stab wounds and slashes about her head, neck and chest." Allegedly.

A Beer to Fear

Am I the last to hear about this?
B-to-the-E (BE), Budweiser's newest entry in a long line of innovative beers by Anheuser-Busch, is a distinctive new product for contemporary adults who are looking for the latest beverage to keep up with their highly social and fast-paced lifestyles.
I've looked at other weblogs to see if anyone has tried this unholy brew - the answer is yes, although I only found one reviewer who would drink it again.

Why would a "highly social" lifestyle necessitate a fruity, ginseng-filled beer?

And who are the ad wizards that decided to call it "B to the E"?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Saddest Things

(A list of things that disproportionally affected me, given the fact that I have no real personal connection to each thing.)

PART 1: READ

Paul McCartney's official statement regarding the death of his wife, Linda:
Finally, I said to her: "You're up on your beautiful Appaloosa stallion. It's a fine spring day. We're riding through the woods. The bluebells are all out, and the sky is clear blue."

I had barely got to the end of the sentence, when she closed her eyes, and gently slipped away.
PART 2: SAW

A Nightline story covering a memorial service in Columbine, Colorado.

PART 3: HEARD

Songs probably shouldn't count, but seeing as how it's the inspiration for this post, Arcade Fire's "In the Backseat" gets the nod. Word is that the band experienced several family deaths while recording the album this song is featured on, Funeral. I won't post the entire lyrics, just this couplet:
My family tree's / losing all its leaves
So, upon review of my 3 items, it appears as though death makes me sad. What a revelation. What introspection. What a waste. Still, it fulfills my weblog responsibilities for the day.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Feb '05 Statistics

Spider solitaire, played during work, difficulty level = four suits.

Week ending 2/4
1 W
5 L

Week ending 2/11
0 W
10 L

Week ending 2/18
1 W
8 L

Week ending 2/25
0 W
6 L

2/31 = 6%

I tried to stop playing solitaire this month - I really did. I tried reading, writing, even getting out of my chair and walking instead. No dice. Solitaire fills my need for something totally mindless - because there is so little thought required to play, it's a break from work in the truest sense.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Panamadness!

Easily the strangest e-mail I received today. A friend is currently working for an organization (yes, that one) that stationed her in Panama:
The other story is my friend [name deleted], who is just weird. I’d say half the [workers] Panama are cool and about half are just plain weird. Anyway, he apparently has a Panamanian girlfriend from the rural area and they were sleeping together for about 6 months. I guess she got pregnant (they were using condoms) and told him he was the dad. Apparently he was okay with that. What? After a few months she confessed that she cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend and he had poked holes in the condom they used because he loved her so much. What? So now, they are pretty sure it is not [Name]’s baby and the girl is probably going to get back together with her psycho ex-boyfriend who apparently likes to control her. I told [another guy] this story and he was shocked. He said that people in the interior (basically the part of the Panama from the minute you leave Panama City and head towards Costa Rica – the call it the interior) are crazy and may do this, but he’s never heard of anyone doing that among his friends. I wasn’t too surprised to hear that this girl’s ex-boyfriend did that. I think a lot of Latino husbands like to get their wives pregnant and then they go and cheat on them. It is definitely a way of controlling them (the women) and keeping them from cheating. Well, news flash, most women don’t have that tendency or desire to cheat like men. Why are men so stupid??? Will we ever figure it out?
To answer your questions, 1.> I don't know, and 2.> Probably not.

If You Want Me Chimpy Here I Am

You'd think a story that includes this quote would be less tragic:
"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Soda (and other) Suggestion(s)

DO give up your current soda and switch to Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. I know, it sounds like they tried to cram too many flavors into one bottle. In reality, there's only the slightest hint of both cherry and vanilla - that great, god-knows-why-they-call-it-"pepper" flavor is still the major player. The best part, though, is that it lacks the diet soda aftertaste. What a soda pop!

DO try Google Maps - you can actually find the street I live on at Google, unlike present day Mapquest or Yahoo.

DO check this out - the online NFL shop allows you to put a custom name on the jersey of your choice, but does NOT allow you to put just anything on the back. The full list can be found here; the ones that start with "Sex" are below:
SEX
SEX FARM
SEX HOUND
SEX HOUSE
SEX KITTEN
SEX POT
SEX SLAVE
SEX TO GO
SEX TOY
SEX TOYS
SEX WHORE
SEXFARM
SEXHOUND
SEXHOUSE
SEXKITTEN
SEXPOT
SEXSLAVE
SEXTOGO
SEXTOY
SEXTOYS
SEXUAL
SEXWHORE
SEXY
SEXY BIATCH
SEXY BITCH
SEXY MOMA
SEXY SLIM
SEXYMOMA
SEXY-SLIM
DO bookmark Stereogum, a great place to find music news and free mp3s. To wit: download the new Gorillaz track (sweeeeet!) or the Kidz Bop version of Modest Mouse's "Float On" (creepy/unnecessary/confusing). The roommate noticed that track was included on the latest Kidz Bop album when he saw the commercial - we knew it had to suck, but couldn't have predicted this...

DON'T anticipate the new Jimmy Fallon vehicle Fever Pitch, even if the great Nick Hornby wrote the novel. See, he wrote the screenplay for the first movie adaptation (starring the dashing Colin Firth, no less!), which was pretty good - I caught most of it on IFC once back when Pops actually got IFC...those were some heady days, let me tell you. Anyway, the new version did not get the Hornby treatment, and despite the fact the Farrelly brothers are involved, this looks more like Shallow Hal than There's Something About Mary. The trailer will tell you all you need to know. Need another reason not to go? This movie was the reason why you were subjected to a shot of Fallon and Barrymore kissing on the field after the Red Sox historic win this past season.

An Opponent Even Pittsburg can Defeat

Pirates 12, Manatee Community College 0

Hardly a surprise, considering sea cows are, uh, aquatic, and lack adequate physiology to throw or hit. Their half-ton stature probably doesn't help much on the basepaths, either. Still, good to see there's an option for those manatees that weren't offered a D-I scholarship.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

It Hantas My Dreams

I had a dream on Saturday night. It was really involved, but I only remember a small part of it. (I didn't have to write that last sentence, did I? No one remembers entire dreams. So much for brevity.) It was one of those dreams - you wake up and you think your subconscious has uncovered something profound, and you're excited about the possibilities of this new idea that will revolutionize an industry or comprise the theme of your bestseller. Then your brain starts to work, then you realize your subconscious is just as stupid as you are.

My dream was about a group of scientists with a theory: the hantavirus was introduced to America via a contaminated Egyptian sarcophagus.

The only problems with this theory, the theory I thought was AMAZING during my first 3 post-sleep minutes, are:
*Very few Egyptian sarcophaguses (sadly, the plural is not sarcophagi) have made it to the New World (fucking Britain!), and even fewer have arrived unopened.

*No hantavirus has ever been found in Africa so far as I can tell.