Saturday, February 27, 2010


Whew! I've really dropped the blogging ball around here, huh? You know, they should call the blogging ball the blogosphere! Right? Am I right, folks?

The sun was out today, so my lady and I celebrated by hitting the library, the grocery store, and the antique mall. I didn't find any unorthodox paintings of Christ this time, but there were a few other notable items:

This framed print of a doggie wearing human clothes was $27, but it came with a similar framed print of non-bespectacled doggies wearing human clothes.

Less reasonably priced? These cassettes. Just because The Spin Doctor's tape is a quarter cheaper than the Steve Winwood one does not mean you're getting a bargain. These were next to a bunch of $2 VHS tapes. Get these things out of the antique mall and into the junk mall, right? Am I right, folks?

It's the only gynecology I like.

The 2nd edition is a good antique, sure, but the real hard-to-find text is the first edition of Impractical Gynecology.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bathroom Humor

Once, as a child, after I stretched up on my tippy-toes to wash my hands, a belt hook on my jeans became snagged on the cabinet handle beneath the bathroom sink. Owing to my light frame and the sturdily constructed denim, I was caught, slightly dangling, and could not free myself. I was entangled for only moments. Still, before my brother freed me, I had a vision of the future where I remained hooked to the bathroom cabinet handle for years, and my meals had to be brought to me.


One day I turned the sink faucet to its far left, waited until the water was hot, filled a glass and sipped.

"It tastes like tea!" I said.

"Never do that again," Mom said.


One day I spent a lot of time looking at my reflection in the mirror, and thinking about the parallel-universe mirror me, living his life in the mirror world, and walked back-and-forth from the bathroom to the hallway, where I looked at the opposite side of the mirror's wall, kind of hoping every time that I would be able to access the Mirrorland.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Last Friday Night

Our new restaurant of choice is the recently opened 715. I've still not heard if its proper name is seven-fifteen or seven-one-five; I've opted for the most literal: seven-hundred-and-fifteen. We arrived early Friday night, around 6:30, to beat the crowd, and were promptly seated near the door. A half-liter of the cheap white house wine. For the lady, a simple green salad featuring goat cheese and five thin radish slices, followed by potato tortelli with local bison ragu. I enjoyed the special -- a pan-seared, wild-caught striped bass over broccoli and calabrian chiles -- more than any fish I've ever eaten outside of Oregon.

Despite the allure of the after-dinner drink menu's hot apple cider Tuaca, I convinced Kim to join me for a vanilla vodka and Coke at Henry's Upstairs. Walking along Massachusetts Street, already discussing her dad via an unrelated thing, I told her what he said on the day after Thanksgiving, when I asked his permission to propose.


Her father shared one additional, deceptively simple sentence: "Just make her happy." I apologized for my lack of plans or timeline, and returned to silently chopping vegetables for the turkey soup.

I told Kim all this -- by now we'd trekked to our nearly empty destination, climbed the stairs, accepted our drinks, and sat at the same table where I'd first held her hand -- and I told her how happy she made me, and I asked her to marry me. It took a few moments to convince her to open the box in my left hand instead of looking at it, and me, and smiling.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

2009 Recap - Lyrics

Worst Flow

Kanye West as featured in Jay-Z's "Run This Town"

She got a ass that a' swallow up a G-string
And up top, ugnh, two bee stings
And I'm beasting
Off the Reisling
And my nigga just made it out the precinct

You're beasting off the Reisling, eh? The fruity, flowery German wine? That's mad gangsta, Kanye.

Most Forced Rhyme

Vampire Weekend - "Horchata"

In December drinking horchata
I look psychotic in a balaclava

Andrew Bird - "Tenuousness"

From proto-Sanskrit Minoans
to porto-centric Lisboans
Greek Cypriots and harbor sots
who "hangaround", in quotes, a lot

Most Nonsensical Lyric

Fiery Furnaces - "Lost at Sea"

There was a time I was happy to know you
Because you were me
And I was you

Most Nonsensical Lyric (English as a Second Language)

Phoenix - "Lisztomania"

Do let do let do let jugulate do let do let do

Least Nonsensical Lyric Followed By Most Nonsensical Lyric

Yo La Tengo - "Periodically Double or Triple"

never read Proust
sounds a little too long
never used a hammer
without somehow using it wrong

Best Alliteration

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - "Goodbye Good Luck"

we have sad sex
we move steady to forget
we swear upon our happening lives

Best Assonance

Tegan and Sara - "The Cure"

Oh, oh when you say it
So, so slowly to me
Oh, oh will I keep going
Oh, no I run while knowing
No, no I know you need it
So, so I need it too and
Oh, I must keep going
So you must too

Best Simile

Peter Bjorn & John - "Nothing to Worry About"

Trouble seems to follow you
It's always 'round you
Like something you subscribe to

Best Metaphor

Death Cab for Cutie - "Little Bribes"

you pretend every slot machine
is a robot amputee
waving hello

Best Backhanded Compliment

An Horse - "Camp Out"

like that good Hole album
I can "Live Through This"
I can live through us

[I was able to ask An Horse's Kate Cooper about this after their local show. I asked if she was implying that "Live Through This" was Hole's only good album. As I recall, Kate said she enjoyed "Celebrity Skin" back when it was released, but listened to it recently and found it didn't hold up, and found the production values particularly bad. She was very nice about it, and obviously was very nice to chat with Gav and I for a moment. (Me, I admit to listening to the "Celebrity Skin" title track and even "Malibu" on occasion, and I still have an affinity for the "Celebrity Skin" video's use of purple.)]

Most Puzzling Rhyme

Neko Case - "Never Turn Your Back on Mother Earth"

When she's on her best behavior
Don't be tempted by her favors
Never turn your back on mother earth

I realize this is a cover song so my question should be directed toward Sparks, but why not use "Mother Nature" instead of "Mother Earth"? It would fit the rhyme scheme -- did you guys get tired of making rhymes? Is this a postmodern thing?

Soul Asylum Funeral/Urinal Memorial Award: Best Half-Rhyming Couplet

Franz Ferdinand - "What She Came For"

You make us all feel gauche
Like it's a smutty joke

Neko Case - "People Got a Lotta Nerve"

I'm a maneater
Still you're surprised when I eat 'ya

Most Hilariously Misheard Lyric

Andrew Bird - "Effigy"

If you long to burn an effigy

[At the 3:19 mark, "burn" sounds like "bone". If you're going to bone an effigy, I recommend doing so prior to ignition.]

Best Imagery

Franz Ferdinand - "Twilight Omens"

I wrote your name on the back of my hand
slept upon it
then I woke up with it
backwards on my face
reading forward from my mirror to my heart

Best Turn of Phrase

M Ward - "Stars of Leo"

I get so low I need a little pick-me-up
I get so high I need a bring-me-down

Best Overall Verse

M Ward - "To Save Me"

He push a breath of air and he fills every sail in sight
He spin a big blue ball and your day turns into night
He shifts in his sleep and the Earth begins to quake
So how much difference could it possibly make
How much effort could it possibly take
To save me?

U2 - "Cedars of Lebanon"

Choose your enemies carefully ‘cos they will define you
Make them interesting ‘cos in some ways they will mind you
They’re not there in the beginning but when your story ends
Gonna last with you longer than your friend

Neko Case - "I'm an Animal"

I love you this hour, this hour today
And Heaven will smell like the airport,
But I may never get there to prove it
So let's not waste our time thinkin' how that ain't fair.