Monday, September 27, 2010

Tray Not Cool

I don't care how many customer ratings say otherwise - this is a stupid way to make nachos.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Beib To The Future

There was a rumor that Justin Beiber was going to star in a Back to the Future remake. It’s not true, I guess, now I’m thinking about how a reboot would look. You know, staying a few steps ahead of Hollywood, just like with Hangover 2.

OLD BTTF: Marty wants a cool truck
NEW BTTF: Marty wants a Bugatti

OLD BTTF: Marty plays “Johnny B Good” in the style of Chuck Berry
NEW BTTF: Marty plays a smooth (but filthy) R&B jam in the style of R. Kelly

OLD BTTF: Christopher Lloyd
NEW BTTF: Christopher Walken

OLD BTTF: Marty invents the skateboard
NEW BTTF: Marty invents the razor scooter

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Great Big Convoy

I know a lot about The Simpsons. If you were paying attention, you already knew that. The lady of the house is less obsessive about decades-old cartoons, which can lead to confusion. When I say "Abortions for some" while making breakfast, she can't place the reference. And when I'm excited about a 1978 Sam Peckinpah film on cable, I just say, "Simpsons" instead of explaining that the song on which the film is based is briefly mentioned in a television commercial inside the "Radio Bart" episode.

So, last Thursday, I shared my excitement with Jack Serpentine instead.

dn: Convoy is on Reelz channel. CONVOY!
js: Holy shit! I know what I'm doing the rest of the night. Oh man, it's starting. I love that it's based on a song.

dn: Kim is not happy about this.

js: She'll be even less happy about that redneck sheriff. Now Vanessa is bitching. Ladies don't understand cinema.

dn: I am fighting pretty hard. We just switched from The Office. It's my biggest triumph.

js: The casting is pretty much perfection.

(There is a huge barfight (okay, diner-fight) between the truckers and the redneck sheriff trying to extract bribes. The truckers win, and decide they'd better haul ass across the state line.)

dn: I feel the state line is underused in modern plotlines.

js: Agreed. Totally agreed. I demand a frame-by-frame remake of this classic. I just can't think of a lead. Certainly Don Cheadle for the black guy.

dn: Jeff Bridges. Duh.

js: Nailed it. V wants Dylan McDermott. Borgnine should reprise his role.

dn: Well, obviously. Or Tom Arnold if he passes. Tarantino directs.

js: Either Tarantino or Rodriguez. Or Michael Mann. Female lead is Zooey Deschanel, right?

dn: I vote Portman. She has a track record with short hair, and she can play "tough" way better.

js: I can buy that. Zooey is more pouty than tough. P.S. I think Al is now sucked in.

dn: Jack Black is the slob trucker, Pigpen.

js: Soundtrack remixed by RZA. Although there's not much soundtrack. Mostly police sirens and truck engine revving.

js: From Al: "Eating ramen, watching Convoy, living life."

(Kris Kristofferson, AKA Rubber Duck, AKA "The Duck", leaves the convoy. The crowd asks if he's coming back.)

dn: Whew. I was worried that The Duck wouldn't be a Christ metaphor.

js: Why's it always got to be the duck?

(The convoy arrives at a small Texas town, where they rev their engines a lot, then proceed to destroy every small building in the village as they retrieve the black trucker from his jail cell.)

dn: Movie trivia: filming many takes of this scene caused the hole in the ozone layer.

js: This movie melted four glaciers.

(The convoy has to stop, because kids buying treats from an ice cream truck are clogging the road.)

js: Goddamn kids stopped the convoy? You think The Duck is going to get out of this sticky situation?

dn: Are the kids a metaphor? I need to get the Criterion DVD to confirm.

(There is an absurd climax I will not spoil for you, because I know this has really piqued your interest. Ah, hell, I know you're not going to watch it. You probably didn't even watch the embedded video earlier, even though it's AMAZING, especially considering it's a film trailer that is ostensibly trying to explain the plot to a potential audience, yet it's just a mess! Shot after shot of trucks crashing into things, usually from a helicopter's point of view! Crazy!)

js: The Duck and the sheriff are really two sides of the same coin.

(There is an absurd resolution.)

js: Now I'm just confused.

dn: Convoy. Really makes you think.

js: Well, we did it. We watched Convoy.

Monday, September 13, 2010


I was sick today, but wanted to do something productive while I recovered. What did I do? You guessed it: uploaded cat-related media. It's been too long!

In the wintertime, Lou Dobbs was an active feline, despite his disinterest in the Saints amazing comeback Super Bowl victory.

He sometimes stared longingly out the window, squeaking instead of meowing.

The cat always demands my attention before I start a relaxing evening game of Playstation, and will bother me on the couch if I choose not to pet him on the floor.

And Doby will lay on the other couch, too, because SOMEBODY SPOILS HIM.

Sometimes he'll get involved during a spirited game of stairball.

But usually he plays with a strip of felt.

At least, he used to. The summertime seemed to vanquish both the cold and his free spirit. Perhaps it was the spring storms, which forced him to seek cover under the couch's upended cushions (part of a barricade to prevent him from lying on them all day).

Or perhaps he is growing older, and looking for meaning in his life.

It's a deep philosophical quest, filled with ennui.

Ennui and rage.

That makes him sleepy.

So very sleepy.

Monday, September 06, 2010

That's Nuts!

Back from the Ozarks, home of the "Hillbilly Nut".