Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Football, CPR, Lovemaking Furniture

Paul McCartney was last year's Super Bowl halftime performer. The Rolling Stones are this year's entertainment. Next year: the corpse of Buddy Holly. Thanks, Janet Jackson!

* * *

I'm a card-carrying, certified CPR guy. (No big deal.) Anywho, should I not be around when needed, you should know that mouth-to-mouth is less important than chest compressions. It's all in the latest CPR guidelines. 2 breaths per 30 chest compressions. Sure, it will save more lives, but what of the whacky teenage coming-of-age comedies? How will a zany, ugly teen scam a prolonged kiss from the lady lifeguard?

* * *

If you want to know the story behind this photo, you can read all about the Dream Love Chair at its English-language website. Think "Craftmatic Adjustable Bed", but sexier. Note the site points out the chair's usefulness for the overweight and the physically challenged -- not to mention the corpse of Buddy Holly!

Or, if you're feeling daring, you can watch some Japs get it on in the instructional video. [Don't even think about opening the video at work. Found via Gizmodo]

Note the lack of technique on the part of the male - you can't just put your hand there, dude! You've got to move it around! Squeeze! Release! Caress!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

More Search Word Fun

Hats off to the hard-working students at St. Cloud State University.

Question: what Matt Damon film doesn't have latent homosexuality?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Holiday Hiatus

Some questions for you to ponder while I am away for T'sgiving:

If you could sing one song perfectly - if you could be the world's best performer for that particular song - what song would you choose?

If there had never been a movie called King Kong, would you even consider going to see a movie starring Naomi Watts and a giant gorilla? Just read the plot summary from IMDB - what about this makes you think it would be worth your $8+?
Set in the 1930s, this is the story of a group of explorers and documentary filmmakers who travel to the mysterious Skull Island (near Sumatra) to investigate legends of a giant gorilla named Kong. Once there, they discover that King Kong is a real creature, living in a massive jungle where creatures from prehistoric times have been protected and hidden for millions of years. As the explorers search for the great ape, their quest puts them up against both Kong and his dinosaur enemies. Ultimately, it is the attention of a beautiful human woman that soothes Kong long enough for him to be subdued by the explorers and shipped back to New York, where his bleak future involves being put on display in front of humans... but how long can even the mightiest shackles of man hold back an ape 25 feet tall?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Commune, Feel The Noise

It could work. There's no reason it couldn't. Lots of people don't have jobs.

Housewives (remember back before the Teri Hatcher resurgence when we had to call them "homemakers"?) don't have jobs. That is, they usually don't bring in much income. They do things around the house and they care for a child or two.

This could work, because I don't even have a kid. Or two. I just have me. And my peers - they only have themselves, too.

There's a lot of math involved. Sometimes, I miss math. Assigned equations to solve, little puzzles.

Letterman once interviewed someone - the (moviestar?) was once responsible for sacking groceries, as was Letterman. Letterman enjoyed the work. "Every bag is like a puzzle," he said. His guest was less enthusiastic.

So, math. Let's say there is a house full of five of us. Families of five are all over the place - the difference here is that we're all adults. But let's say the house exists, it's roomy, and we are in it. There is a mortgage. We all have enough space. Five of us. Professionals.

Five professionals, living together, utilities shared, mortgage shared.

If all five professionals were employed, the house would have significant income. I make about $40 K right now. Math says the five of us would pull in about $200K.

Here's the trick - if only four of us were employed, the house would still make $160 K, and one lucky individual could sit around in his/her boxers all day.

We'd work in shifts. You work for a year, maybe two, pay your dues, then you take a year off, you play with the house money like a teenager with an allowance. Maybe after that year (when you travel, you spend time with your dog, etc.) expires, you go back to the same job. Or maybe you spent your year off learning a new trade, and you decide that you want to take a job in that line of work. No sweat. Just get back to making some scratch so your housemate can relax.

There are some problems. By now you've noticed that this reeks of socialism/communism, and you might want to point out that such isms have a spectacular rate of failure/tragedy. Fair enough. You might also point out that that "allowance" for an adult would be much higher than for a child. Health insurance and the like. And who gets to take a year off now? Who has to wait a few more years?

These are hard questions to answer. Harder than working every day for the next 40 years? Probably not. Let me know when you want to move in together.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Tornado Slide Circa 1996

[Every day, I thank God that blogs didn't exist in my youth. I shudder to think of the things I would have published...actually, I know exactly the kind of things I would have published. Below is a typical post from my high school days.]

i fear that i am ordinary, just like everyone
to lie here and die among the sorrows
adrift among the days
for everything i ever said
and everything i've ever done is gone and dead
as all things must surely have to end
and great loves will one day have to part
i know that i am meant for this world
my life has been extraordinary
blessed and cursed and won
time heals but i'm forever broken
by and by the way...
have you ever heard the words
i'm singing in these song?
it's for the girl i've loved all along
can a taste of love be so wrong
as all things must surely have to end
and great loves will one day have to part
i know that i am meant for this world
and in my mind as i was floating
far above the clouds
some children laughed i'd fall for certain
for thinking that i'd last forever
but i knew exactly where i was
and i knew the meaning of it all
and i knew the the distance to the sun
and i knew the echo that is love
and i knew the secrets in your spires
and i knew the emptiness of youth
and i knew the solitude of heart
and i knew the murmurs of the soul
and the world is drawn into your hands
and the world is etched upon your heart
and the world so hard to understand
is world you can't live without
and i knew the silence of the world

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What A Post Looks Like Before It's Edited

best food per shape

hexagonal polygon: oyster crackers
sphere: cheese balls (puffed kind or the kind you spread on crackers), chocolate orange, not gumball
cube: Jell-O shouldn't count, nor should cheese - caramels?
rectangular polygon: starburst, candy bars (uneven bars like Snickers disqualified?)
oval: not cadbury eggs
pyramid: toblerone comes close, but not quite a pyramid. ditto Hershey's Kisses.
disc: M&M beats Skittles, Spree, etc.

Monday, November 14, 2005


The ladies hate it when you don't come to the party.

A smattering of photos can be found on my Flickr account.

Found: a woman's black hat (66% acrylic, 18% nylon, 16% wool), one pair earrings (metal looking, spiral design)

Thanks for attending.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Meat Marketing

Matt drove up for the party.

"I saw this billboard for beef - you know, 'Beef: It's what's for dinner.' But if you take out the contractions, it's saying 'Beef: It is what is for dinner.' That's stupid. It should just be, 'Beef. Dinner.'"

Pork is the other white meat. Beef is dinner. But there isn't a slogan for chicken. What gives, National Chicken Council? Think of a catchphrase already.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Crappy Crafts

I was in Concordia, Kansas for work on Thursday - I wandered around this Methodist church's classrooms, including one room called the Craft Zone. This season's project seems to be nativity scenes made from clothespins. Here's what it's supposed to look like, and here is what happens when the less-than-gifted kids try to make their own.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Barely Legal Advice

Could one of you lawyer-types could let me know if I should contact the authorities about this particular website visitor?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Hershey's Hypothesis

Hershey's Miniatures have been available since 1939; the tiny candy bars always disappear in a nonrandom order.

1. Krackel. These chocolate and crisped rice treats are the first to be eaten, and for good reason - they are unquestionably the cream of the crop. Delicious.

2. Milk Chocolate. If Hershey's Miniatures are neapolitan ice cream, the milk chocolate bar is the vanilla. Despite being so plain that it isn't even provided with a catchy name, the milk chocolate bar is next in line to the Miniatures throne. Baffling.

3. Mr. Goodbar. People love Snickers, the best-selling candy bar that is Packed With Peanuts (TM). The reaction to Mr. Goodbar is less enthusiastic. Perhaps we don't appreciate its moral superiority. Or maybe, just maybe, Mr. Goodbar kind of sucks, because the peanuts dry out the whole experience and make you really thirsty.

4. Special Dark. The darkest are picked last - like a pickup game of hoops, but the opposite. Women seem especially opposed to these treats, preferring white chocolate instead. Are they racist? Probably. Nomenclature may play a factor -- calling oneself "Special" rarely scores popularity points. But I'm down with the brown. Good, and good for you. Kind of.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Teen Wolf Talk

Phil and I read "Covering Teen Wolf: One Coach's Guide" on Friday, and spent the rest of the day emailing about the issues it raises:

ME: I always thought Teen Wolf's dribbling skill left much to be desired. Same with his face.

PHIL: Teen Wolf. Man, what a punk. I disagree with that coach's assessment, I think a box and one defense would work.

ME: If the Kate Beckinsdale vehicle Underworld taught me anything, it's that a blood feud between the vampires and werewolves has raged for centuries, and it won't stop anytime soon. Your box & one had better include a vampire manning up with Teen Wolf; or, preferably, an entire team of vampires. Or that kid from Hoosiers.

PHIL: Dan, let's get one thing straight. Vampires hate bright lights. Basketball games in gymnasiums require bright lights. It's just not something you can do. However, what about recruiting other werewolves? Is Teen Wolf the only one? If not, is he the only werewolf that has eligibility? Seriously..

ME: Actually, IMDB tells me that there was another Teen Wolf - Teen Wolf Too. The deuce was aptly protrayed by Arrested Development's Jason Bateman - his character was the original Teen Wolf's cousin. Teen Wolf Too is on a college scholarship, so his eligibility is up. Still, it's clear that the werewolf gene obeys simple Mendelian genetics -- so yes, another werewolf must be out there that could guard Teen Wolf. Much like the Civil War, it would pit brother against brother (or distant relative against distant relative).

And if I might squabble with you on the issue of bright lights...yes, vampires hate bright lights. But more than they hate werewolves? Hardly. So long as the game is not played in sunlight, I see no problem fielding a team comprised of bloodthirsty, fanged, godless, immortal beasts.

PHIL: Not having seen Teen Wolf Too, I have to ask, did this "Bateman" werewolf attend the same school as Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf? If so, do the Beavers have some sort of edge in recruiting werewolves much like the Yankees and Cubans? Or, is it just that all the werewolves live in the same part of town thus requiring them to attend the local high school.

Back to the vampires, who are you kidding. Them have all that clothing, the cape, amulet, etc. There's no way they could "d-up" on a werewolf. Nice try.

ME: You know, it's hard to say what high school TWToo attended. IMDB only gives me so much of the plot outline. I can tell you that the original TW's tagline was, "He always wanted to be special... but he never expected this!", while the sequel's was, "High school was easy. But college is a whole different ANIMAL."

And did you know that TWToo is ranked in IMDB's bottom 100 movies? It's the 67th worst movie on the list. That poor ranking would hurt anyone, including the abnormally thick-skinned werewolf that is the subject of such derision.

Oh, and if you like TWToo, IMDB recommends you watch the original Teen Wolf. Like Teen Wolf? IMDB recommends you watch Fat Albert, starring Keenan Thompson.

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Thursday, November 03, 2005

I Wish I Was Taller

I'm pooped from all my time in the darkroom this week, so today I just want to pass along this awesomeness: an anti New Yorker caption contest, where folks try to come up with the least clever caption possible. Be sure to check out the reader comments - my favorite is "This is wholly unacceptable."

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

All Hallows Images

I've uploaded all of the hilarity and tragedy from Monday's halloween excursion to my flickr account. You'll want to click on each photo individually (or use the "next" link on the right side of the screen) so you can read my hilarious and tragic witticisms.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Feel the Illinoise. And Indianoise. And Ohioise.

This was last night's group costume. Congrats and thanks to Gav for his efforts in creating these costumes. To scale.

Incorrect guesses from last night (Gav and Floyd, correct me if I'm wrong): red states, swing states, bullseye targets, Alaska, Utah, Idaho (2), California, Texas (4), Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Missouri, New York.

I'm going to catch up on sleep tonight, so the rest of the Halloween pics won't be posted until late tomorrow.