Wednesday, July 29, 2009

MS Office Sweet

I was MS Powerpointing and found myself in need of an Uncle Sam "I Want You" image. You know, as people do. Taking the chance of a lifetime, I opened the clip art gallery and searched for "Uncle Sam". Success! The iconic old man with the pointing finger popped right up, and was pasted into my very interesting yet informative slide presentation. I was ready for my webinar! And my subsequent suicide!

I stole a moment from my busy workday to research what other search terms resulted in clip art hits:

Uncle Sam = YES
Condom = YES
Monet = YES
Reagan = NO
Jefferson = YES
Gremlin = NO
Omaha = YES
Shank = YES
Gat = NO
Slut = NO
Prostitute = NO
Sexy = KINDA - .wav file of "Sexy Thing"
Time = YES
Sexy Time = NO

Monday, July 27, 2009

Insane Clown Posse (Literally)

Floyd is right -- you're going to NEED to watch the WHOLE THING.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Only in New York - Day Three + Four

Friday, Kim and I went to Liberty Island and Ellis Island.

My favorite part of Ellis Island was the immigration museum. I've complained about the campaign to restore other buildings on Ellis Island several times before, but my opinion on that matter didn't keep me from having a nice time.

My favorite part of Liberty Island was the Statue of Liberty. Previously, my only exposure to that piece of real estate was via Floyd's copy of Grand Theft Auto IV. It was wonderful to see, live and in person, the small structure that provided my virtual self cover as I shot down police helicopter after police helicopter, before ultimately fleeing the island by boat, somehow outpacing law enforcement, and surviving unscathed. Only in America; only in New York.

You have seen photos of these landmarks before, so let's move on to what you haven't seen.

Our group gathered on the Great Lawn of Central Park that evening to hear a free New York Philharmonic concert.

There were a lot of alfresco diners! And what better place than Central Park, home of a few portable toilets with no adjacent handwashing facilities? More wine and cheese for everyone!

Adrienne brought Emma, the dog with a human name. Everyone loves her (Emma). Linds sure does!

And Floyd!

And me! The better part of my stay in the city was spent teaching Emma how to "shake paw".

Rain interrupted and canceled the philharmonic less than halfway through the performance, which was a surprise to everyone who hadn't checked the weather report or looked up. Sharing umbrellas, we trudged out of the park shoulder-to-shoulder with the rest of the mass. We boarded a train for Tribeca. ALL of us.

We all went to a bar. ALL of us.

Adrienne's friend's friend worked for Peroni, so you can guess what we drank for free. (Peroni. We drank Peroni for free. Because why would we pay for Peroni?)

Saturday, we enjoyed some culture at the Brooklyn Museum, and impersonated the art.

After more Brooklyning, we retired to Floyd's shitty Crown Heights roof, then transferred over the rail to his neighbor's very nice Crown Heights roof. We drank and laughed and enjoyed the view.

Later, two peculiar sounds pierced the Brooklyn night.

"Were those gunshots?" Floyd asked.

"Those were definitely gunshots." I said.

"It was probably just a car backfiring." Linds said.

Then a patrol car's siren sounded. And another. And one more. A helicopter launched from somewhere behind us.

"I'm very impressed with the police response to that car backfire. They are really going all-out to assist that motorist."

"Shut up." Lindsay said.

We watched the helicopter and its searchlight circle the crime scene, which turned out to be a few blocks closer than we'd hoped.

On Sunday, we had brunch and flew home. The end.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Only in New York - Day One + Two

The first thing we did, after looking at apartments Alipete was considering, is eat. Some REAL FUCKIN' MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS PIZZA!

I destroyed Alipete in the pizza eating race we were not really having, because I was so hungry, having last eaten prior to our 7 a.m. flight.

I met up with Floyd to see Paul F. Tompkins deliver hilarious stand-up at the Gotham Comedy Club. The room was less than half full, despite Paul's well-known hilarity. We sat about 7 feet away from the stage. Paul was rehearsing for a live DVD to be recorded very soon, and I will tell you that DVD will be worth the purchase price. (I am assuming the purchase price will be something less than a hundred dollars. Well worth it.)

The next day we went to the Met museum. Kim saw Chris Kattan -- yes, THE Chris Kattan -- while checking out Monets. We also saw...

...Egyptian artifacts that somehow made it out of Egypt:

...Hated historical figures, like Indian genocidist Stonewall Jackson:

...Beloved historical figures, like Atlanta smolderer W.T. Sherman:

...Matthew Broderick and his clan:

...and this painting:

Flower Girl at the Met Museum from chester reboulet on Vimeo.

Here's another look at that last one. Seeing the details of the painting will make my narration seem even more appropriate.

Dinner that night was in Chinesetown, at New Green Bo. Kim made the excellent decision to order veggie dumplings. Later, I was heard to remark, "I ate half a duck."

In celebration of fine crispy duck, I gave Gav's patented fist pump.

Kim and I walked across the street to sample some green tea ice cream, while Floyd, Alipete, and Linds discussed vag nits and cervical erosion.


Monday, July 20, 2009

It's Just A Shame

I'm home. I'm overstimulated. I've got 415 unread items in my Google Reader waiting for me. I've got my brand new The State DVD in its plastic wrap -- hours and hours of precious sketches to enjoy. Some podcasts in the queue. A Netflix to watch and return. Photos from the trip to upload. Blogs to blog. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to read.

For now, let me say that I watched more VH1 Classic as I waited for the females to get dressed for NYC outings. In a strange repeat of events, I saw Blue Oyster Cult's strange "Burning For You" video AGAIN.

And I saw the video for "That's All". I've written about that song before. It used to be my favorite Genesis song. Not anymore. I've seen the video, and I can't UN-SEE it.

(This is where I'd embed the video if those fucks in charge of such things would get their shit together. In summary, Phil Collins and his band were dressed as hobos. They were in a burned-out building that held only burning barrels, a new grand piano, and a small electric organ. Phil sang the entire song while looking into the camera and walking around his hobo digs. The pianist played his keyboards. All played cards with a deck of Bicycle playing cards. It was long and repetitive and awful, and not "awful" in the Dickensian or hobo sense. Fuck this video.)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I'm off to New York City. Again.

I'm glad to be on vacation. One drawback is every time I hear the name "New York", "The Heart of Rock N' Roll" by Huey Lewis & the News pops in my head. I'd embed the video here, but I don't hate all of you. How much Huey Lewis did I used to listen to? Too much, friends. Way, way too much.

See you Monday or so. You'll have to stare at the picture in the post below this until then.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A Nice Day For A Nice Wedding

The groom requested a blog shout-out, so I guess this is a shout-out.

Corinne and Ted's reception was probably the best reception I've ever attended. Is that because there was no garter toss? Or because they served a malbec? Or because I knew and liked 75% of the people there? Yes. Yes it was.

When you don't know how to respond to the bluegrass band,
you put your hand where your rodeo belt buckle would be
and perform an impromptu Lasso Dance.

Both halves of the happy couple have been featured on this blog. For example:
"That's so gross! I'm such a queen about that sort of stuff."

--Willie, gay cast member of MTV's The Real World: Philadelphia, reacting to a roommate's scabies infection

"Like anal sex isn't gross..."

--Corinne, reacting to Willie's comment

and, courtesy of Ted:
I thought we had an unspoken agreement. I would never make fun of Dan's cutesy-but-impotent word twist challenges, and he would never make fun of Blue Oyster Cult on his blog. Well, all bets are off. Don't pretend that you didn't know about how much I love that video, Dan. Everybody knows it. Everybody who is anybody!

Ok, so maybe I've never told anybody that I liked that video. Maybe I was watching VH1 classic one night, all alone, drinking gin right out of the bottle. Maybe that video came on, and I thought to myself, "That video is cool! That dude Caught On Fire!" It doesn't matter. People should know things about me, even if I don't specifically say those things out loud.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Mouse In The House

The cat found a mouse.

He walked around with it a few minutes, then dropped it and played with it for a few seconds. Then the mouse ran under the refrigerator. Then I moved the refrigerator to allow for cat access. Then I repositioned the cat, who was hopelessly confused as to the mouse's whereabouts.

After some struggle, the mouse escaped beneath the oven.

Two days later, Doby chased the mouse behind the CD shelf. The mouse was wedged between the wall and the furniture, trapped. Doby pawed a few times, then walked to the kitchen to lay down and relax. So I killed the mouse myself, pushing it toward a gauntlet of mousetraps.

Then I walked over to the kitchen to mock that cat, showing him what a true mouser looks like.

Then I threw the mouse away. Then Doby walked back by the CD shelf to look for the mouse again.

I assume Doby has brain damage from his fall.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Office Decor Cubed

I don't post these often, but here's another thing someone has hung in their cubicle, in plain sight for those walking by, for the last 6+ years:

Appropriate? Or Clive Clemons Inappropriate Response Channel? Would the gender of the responsible party influence your decision?

(My only regret about this recurring feature is that I was unable to photograph the cubicle full of elephant figurines before the weirdo was shitcanned.)

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Jacko's Backo

Michael Jackson First Artist to Sell Over 1 Million Downloads in a Single Week
Fans flocked to the late popstar’s greatest hits, purchasing a record-breaking 2.6 million Jackson solo recordings and Jackson Five songs, according to Nielsen SoundScan data for the week ending June 28. Jackson also dominated Billboard’s “Comprehensive Album Chart,” which tracks both new albums and older catalog albums — the first time a catalog album has ever scanned more sales than any new album.

The “massively talented boy-man,” as his former collaborator Paul McCartney described the eccentric star, posthumously claimed the top three spots with two greatest hits collections and the legendary Thriller album:

1. Michael Jackson - Number Ones (108K album sales scanned)

2. Michael Jackson - The Essential Michael Jackson (102K)

3. Michael Jackson - Thriller (101K)

4. The Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D. (88K)

You know, Black Eyed Peas, four simple bullets could flip the charts back in your favor.

Think about it. My wallet and Matt's Beretta are here if you need us.