Tuesday, August 31, 2010

TV On The Brain-io

Things I saw once and only once on television but never forgot:

1. Alex Trebek explaining that his young daughter definitely would have known the question each Jeopardy! contestant failed to get, "Who is U2?".

2. David Letterman explaining to a female guest what he liked about working as a grocery store bagger: "Every bag was like a puzzle."

3. Ahmad Rashad driving around with Jerome Kersey, talking about how all that was left for Kersey to accomplish was to have his image on a giant, black and white billboard that towered over Portland. But the real NBA Inside Stuff was that the billboard ALREADY EXISTED!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Rooting For Jimmy

Tonight, Jimmy Fallon is hosting the Emmy Awards. He's doing an OK job.

I am taking this opportunity to retract my previous statements about Mr. Fallon and his stint on Late Night. I don't watch often, but from what I've seen he does a nice job. I appreciate his efforts to mix up the format, playing games with the guests instead of only interviewing them. It's fun. Nice job.

I remember back when his reign was beginning, people said, "Did you hear The Roots are going to be the house band?! That's going to be so cool! I'm going to watch it because of them!". I would like to take this opportunity to call those people shitheads. Not because The Roots are sub-par -- because talk show bands have about 4 cumulative minutes of impact per night. If Arcade Fire played the walk-on music for Jay Leno's show, or if The Black-Eyed Peas performed every night for Conan, it wouldn't factor into my decision to watch.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Tom, Chef

Man, I did all that work looking for a good Gmail account when info@fbi.gov was available?

I downloaded the attachment and replied to their message. I signed my full name with my social security number so they'd be sure it was really me.

* * *

Win Butler and Tom Colicchio were both hanging out in my dream last night. I spent all my time talking to an amused Tom about some "Top Chef" suggestions.

First, I brought up my longstanding theory on "The Real World": the show would benefit from an unexciting setting. Instead of placing the young human nightmares in 24-hour parties like New Orleans or New York, MTV should set the show in places like Iowa or Utah. This would force the kids to make their own fun, with disastrous and hilarious consequences.

This theory doesn't work as well for "Top Chef", since it airs very little content outside of the kitchen. Still, maybe my dream self's idea could work for the show. It could be refreshing to see the contestants shopping somewhere other than Whole Foods -- running around the Des Moines HyVee's tiny organic section searching for microgreens and artisanal cheese.

My second, better idea for Tom was an elimination challenge: instead of catering a wedding reception, serve food at a funeral. (Preferably a funeral in a small German Catholic town. Noticing a pattern, I once asked an old monsignor if he'd ever been to a funeral where they did not serve ham and green beans. "Never in my life," he replied.) Tell me you wouldn't watch this episode! Think of the possibilities!

How would the chefs respond?
"I'm taking a big risk with this devil's food cake, but when she wasn't crying, the widow seemed like she had a great sense of humor and a sweet tooth."

Would the grieving attendees give more honest feedback than usual?
"This beef is tougher than my old man was on me. *sigh* Rest in peace, Dad."

Judge's table would be the best ever!
"Your celery foam was wholly inappropriate for the occasion."

"In situations like these, heirloom tomatoes take on even more importance. I'm sorry, but your dish did not respect that."

"This being an Irish wake, I understand your choice to serve corned beef and cabbage. Unfortunately, it just didn't work. And frankly, your loaded baked potato was insulting."

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Space Dementia

If you've got a lot of time to kill, and if you like space exploration, you could do worse than viewing The Science Channel's "Mars Rising. Part IV: The Human Factor". I met those qualifications on Friday.

Much of the program deals with how science plans to prevent the Mars astronauts from getting space dementia and killing each other during the 2+ year mission. I was very amused by the director's attempts to portray these mentally unstable astronauts:

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Gee, Mail!

As you're aware, the internet continues to grow exponentially, and will soon collapse under its own weight.

Case in point: Google Mail. I hastily adapted my university email prefix into my current Yahoo! address back when things were different (before 9/11) (literally). Lately, I've been thinking about upgrading to GMail, but wasn't sure what username to adopt.

So I began to explore my options. My name? Taken. Common variations on my name? Taken. Current Yahoo! username? Taken.

Hmm. This is a very popular electronic mail system!

What if I picked a username that early-adopter types would disagree with?

NPRsucks@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about an outdated phrase -- one so unused that I can't remember how to spell it?

pantyraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!
pantieraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about an intentionally misspelled outdated phrase?

pantryraid@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about a nonsense lyric from disc 2 of "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness"?

zipperblues@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about a nonsense lyric from Extreme's 1991 album "Pornograffitti", NOT taken from the radio hits "More Than Words" or "Hole Hearted"?

getthefunkout@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about random two-word phrases?

epichorse@gmail.com? TAKEN!
hugelife@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about random sounds?

whoaohoh@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about the tagline from a somewhat forgotten film released just weeks ago?

whoissalt@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about gmail.com backwards?

moc.liamg@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about a sentence no one could possibly agree with?

ihatetrees@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about a difficult-to-spell animated character from Paula Abdul's 1989 "Opposites Attract" music video?

MCSkatKat@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about a religious slant?

saintsebastian@gmail.com? TAKEN!
thepope@gmail.com? TAKEN!

What about a random two-word phrase that really sucks?

bellyfresh@gmail.com? AVAILABLE!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a new gmail account! (Not really.)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Happy Birthday, Antonio Banderas!!!

True story: today, sitting at my workstation, I thought to myself, "Wait, what time is it? Is it 3:00 yet?" Then I remembered that I hadn't had lunch yet. Because it was 10:00 a.m. It was disconcerting.

I don't know how you spent your workday, but we were a Nasonex bee away from hitting the cycle...

From: Gav
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 9:23 AM


From: dn
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 9:31 AM

From: BAG
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 10:44 AM


From: Floyd
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 10:48 AM

From: Alipete
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 1:09 PM

This was the best I could do. I apologize that I am not tech-savvy.

From: Lindsey
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 1:11 PM

I have no idea what's going on. But I'd like it to continue.

From: Floyd
Sent: Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 12:19 PM

From: BAG
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 12:32 PM

And, of course, no tribute to the Antonio Banderas is complete without a guitar case rocket launcher:

From: dn
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 2:06 PM

10 Fascinating Facts About Birthday Boy Antonio Banderas

From: Gav
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 3:38 PM

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to say Thanks! for a wonderful day of celebration.

It’s not very often that we get to come together to celebrate the life and work of one of the Greatest Spanish, Soccer-Loving Actors of Our Generation.

If anything, I hope today served as a reminder for each of us to:

Slow Down, You move to fast.
You’ve got to make the morning last.
Just… kickin’ down the cobblestones.
Looking’ for fun and Feelin’ Groovy.

From: Floyd
Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 3:41 PM

Back at ya, Gav.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Better Leave Her Behind

Tonight I saw a movie titled "The Kids are All Right", a film I expected to enjoy. It enjoys a very high rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and its commercials are somewhat enticing.

My favorite part of the film is when Mark Ruffalo offers Julianne Moore a piece of strawberry rhubarb pie. It inspired me to buy such a pie on my way home.

The rest of the film inspired me to stop wasting my life watching junk. The scenes not featuring pie were well-acted and obvious. Everything you think might happen does. Everything you hope might happen (i.e. Annette Benning, the aforementioned pie eaters, and every other adult featured are all hit by a train) does not.

The movie is about two hours long. It feels much longer. I would have given anything for these characters to die, the house lights to come up, and a large piece of pie be handed to me. But it just went on and on, leaving me to wonder, "Was Annette Benning ever hot?" and "When was the last time Julianne Moore didn't show her tits?" and "Who gives a fuck about these rich white people?" and "If I could design move to show how horrible West Coast liberals are, would it differ in any way from this?" and "Where are all the trains in this California town, and why aren't they plowing into any of these people?".

In summation, this movie can go to hell -- where it will feel right at home, hell and this film both being eternal and horrible.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being Climate Controlled

During these dog days, I experience a sort of white guilt regarding my comfort. It's 100 degrees outside, but the only time I experience the heat is on brief walk from my office to my car. I should be begging for the sun to set, but I barely even notice.

* * *

What percent of Facebook's activity is birthday-related?

What would be the most "like"d Facebook status of all time? It has to incorporate a few key subjects. Here's a guess:
"Little Kaden James' surgery was a success, and today the adoption is official! Praise God for shipping my hubby back from Afghanistan in time for this blessed event!"

* * *

Other offensive things about two blocks away from Groundzero, according to Google Maps:

Men's Wearhouse
Party Poopers ("NYC's premier kids'party planning service since 1991 (and that's kids' 0-120)")
Bed Bath and Beyond
Chevy's Fresh Mex
Manhattan Bankruptcy Lawyer Daniel Gershburg
University of Phoenix