Monday, June 26, 2006

For Those Of Y'all That Wear Aviators

A hard-hitting piece this weekend in my local newspaper:
Throwback aviators also are flying off the shelves this season, says Megan Garren, optical manager at The Spectacle, 935 Iowa — and not just for men. Gals often add a feminine flair by modifying the style with pink lenses or white frames.
I'm hardly surprised. Nearly every male at the Memorial Day campsite chose to sport aviators. (As Nathan put it, "When God created sunglasses, he made aviators first.")

I'm not surprised, but I'm not happy about it, either. You see, I've been wearing aviators for years. In January 2003, at a truck stop an hour north of Oklahoma City, I bought a pair for $5. I took a photo a few days later:

As you can see, I didn't buy my aviators to look cool. I'm not cool -- not when it comes to sunglasses, anyway. I look RIDICULOUS in sunglasses.

Aviators were the only answer. Aviators said, "Hey, I'm not cool. I'm not ironic. I'm just a guy that looks like a fucking retard when I wear sunglasses. And I'm not playing YOUR GAMES anymore, Fashionista -- I'm just going to stick with these cheap sumbitches and hope for the best."

With aviators the new, hip trend, my message becomes muddled. If you know me, you know there's one thing I can't tolerate, and that's muddled messages.

So listen up, you hip assholes. Stop wearing aviators. They look RIDICULOUS.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Text Time

My SIM card is getting full, and I need to do some deleting to free up memory. You know what that means -- it's time to post humorous text messages I've received in the past 6 months!

I'd like to give you a good reason why I archive my text messages, but I don't know if I can do that. These are the ones that I couldn't justify deleting until now. Kudos to Matt for all his hilarious contributions, especially the few toward the bottom -- those roused me from a deep slumber, but the payoff was worth it:

1/26/06 5:35 pm

1/28/06 12:25 am
God, Alf loved eating pussy!

2/6/06 11:54 pm
I love Delilah. She makes life worth living.

2/18/06 12:54 am
True. Last weekend she called me and said she wanted to cuddle and that she loved me.

Jack Serpentine
2/21/06 5:31 pm
Check it. We like Moesha

2/25/06 7:51 pm
Hi Dan. Um I got drunk last night and I may have put a jihad on your ass. Sorry.

Jack Serpentine
3/12/06 4:18 pm
I incited a slave rebellion for you.

3/13/06 10:40 am
Fauria signs with Redskins

4/3/06 3:56 pm
Brokeback Mountain pre party tonight my place.

4/5/06 11:16 pm
Tori Spelling is the dumbest cunt ever

4/27/06 11:05 pm
When am I not? Hey do you want to finger me for a little bit?

4/27/06 11:25 pm
What if god was one of us?

5/1/06 9:26 pm
this papi looks a lot like some guy who used 2 suck it 4 the twins

5/2/06 9:10 pm

5/3/06 3:12 pm
God you looked sexy last weekend. Thanks for the super bj.

5/7/06 12:00 am
And yet you're too good to polish the candlesticks?

5/17/06 1:05 pm
The loss to science!
The loss to science!

5/24/06 8:00 am
Old Navy sells fucking jean shorts.

5/24/06 11:37 am
Your greasy boner is welcome anywhere in on or near the vicinity of my masticators

Jack Serpentine
5/25/06 3:28 pm
He sliced her from ear to ear

6/14/06 12:16 pm
Boner jams 03

6/20/06 12:48 am
Mountain laurel

6/20/06 12:50 am

6/20/06 12:50 am
Rainbow trout

6/20/06 12:51 am
What do those three things have in common?

6/20/06 1:01 am
fine. I will tell you. They are all the little phrases on the bed spread in my motel room. I can't believe you didn't get that.

6/21/06 6:20 pm
i would like to jerk off all over mother nature's face.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Quotes - Part Four - Wrap Up

So, what have we learned? Probably, not much. But it was fun.

A few I forgot, and a few solicited quotes...

There's this sketch, "Taco Mail", performed by The State:

I like to adjust Michael Ian Black's line, "I love the ________. They're probably the best ________ I've ever had," before suggesting someone change his / her behavior / product.

There's also a Simpsons quote I neglected. It's from the episode when Lisa created her own doll, and Mr. Smithers had to turn on his computer to get the real-life Malibu Stacy's contact information. As his computer booted, there was a provacative image of Mr. Burns on the screen that robotically said, "Hello Smithers, you're quite good at turning me on." Smithers then told Lisa, "Um... You should probably ignore that."

I remember the last time I used this quote. I was in a room with a bunch of scientists -- people I didn't know well, professionals from out-of-state. I had been using my work-assigned laptop, but gave up on it due to its general crapiness. I turned on my personal laptop to do some PowerPointing, forgetting the sound that played during the Windows sign-on was inappropriate. Specifically, it was Michael Ian Black's character, Captain Monterey Jack, screaming, "What if my pants fall off and everybody's looking at my weiner?" Good times.

When asked for the quotes he uses regularly, Jeff said:
1) "You're my boy, Blue!" (Old School)

pretty much works for any show of support.

2) "I am a sexy bitch!" (Austin Powers)

i say this as i am primping myself, typically if someone else is around, and esp. if they are giving me a hard time for taking too long.

3) "Your brain...has on it..."

this is my go-to line any time i get stuck during a bout of good-natured ribbing.

actually, Tommy Boy is a gold mine of one-liners for everyday occurrences, including, but not limited to:

"What'd you do?"
"It doesn't hurt so much here...or here...but right here..."
"Brothers don't shake hands...brothers gotta hug!"
"Are you talking?"
"I was checking the specs on the endline...for the rotary girder...i'm retarded."

4) occasionally, the opportunity presents itself to gain someone's favor and i can whip out, "I caught you a delicious bass." this might be a stretch for everyday scenarios. and it usually confuses people, especially if they haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite. and usually even if they have. if only i hung out with people who actually got these references...i'd probably be the hilarious guy instead of the weird guy...or maybe i'd just be the derivative guy who can't be funny on his own. i'm going to stop typing now.
Jeff also pointed out two "golf-related ones that are pretty versatile", "Get there..." (Swingers) and "Go to your home...are you too good for your home?" (Happy Gilmore).

Bobbo went hog-wild:
This is fortuitous. That means lucky.
I have not yet begun to defile myself.
You're a daisy if you do.
I'm your huckleberry.

That really escalated quickly.
It's science.
Drink it always goes down smooth.

Billy Madison

What day is it? October?

I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy. (used after making a slop shot in pool or basketball)

what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. (Particularly useful in law school.)

Well I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge. (said in response when one is asked "What do you want to do?)


Dumb and Dumber

(complete subset, maybe better to just go with the entire script here, since I'm pretty sure I've used every line from the movie in conversation at some point or another):

The first time I set eyes on [blank], I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.

That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

Well suck me sideways!

So you're telling me there's a chance!

Nice set of hooters you got there!

Kick his ass, Sea Bass! (always a favorite when Matt Siebrandt was playing for KSU)

You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine? (When someone appears drunk.)

I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.

We're really doing it!

Super Troopers

Gimme a liter o' cola.

I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans." (Always has to be said when someone sees or uses the word "shenanigans.")

You boys like Mex-i-co? Woo-hoo.

I am all that is man.

Littering and... littering and... smokin' the reefer.

You gonna set my country music award on fire? (Usually used when responding to the question, "do you understand what I'm saying?")
Phil also chimed in with a few. You have to feel for Phil sometimes, because you know he whips some of these out and is faced with blank stares:
Another great Austin Powers line that I use a lot is, "I get it. I have bad teeth" or "You have 17, sir."

Anchorman is always good:
"I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm kind of a big deal"
"He really ripped the lid of it" - From the seconds movie, "The Legend of Ron Burgundy"

A little more obscure but I frequently use Sifl N' Olly lines. Some of the more choice ones are:

"I'm so curious about knowledge and obtaining knowledge" (When Olly has laser eyes and sings a song about it.)

"I've got two words for you. Double-A. They're getting all the work right now." (When a robot guest hosts for Sifl, they interview a 9-volt battery. This is the
battery's response to "What advice do you have for those of us that want to become batteries?")

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Quotes - Part Three - Film

Continuing on, movie quotes myself or my friends use in everyday conversation.

--Bottle Rocket--

"On the run from Johnny Law... Ain't no trip to Cleveland."

Used to express the difficulty of a task.

* * *


"I miss the seasons."

Max says while he is enrolled at Grover Cleveland High, referring to his old life at Rushmore Academy. The schools are both in Houston, making this lament absurd. Get it? I get jokes. Anyway, it's used nostagically.

* * *

"Let's rock, Esposito! I repeat - let's rock!"

This is one of the lines in Rushmore that I wasn't familiar with until I watched the whole movie with the subtitles on. It's one of Dirk's lines in Max' opus, "Heaven and Hell", a play about Vietnam. He says it while radioing a platoon or gunboat or something. Used as a rallying cry.

* * *

Miss Cross: "Do you want a carrot?"
Herman Blume: "Yeah, I'll have one of those."

Used as above, said evenly.

* * *


Brian Fantana: "No, no. She gets the special one. It's called Sex Panther, by Odeon. It's made from bits of real panther, so you know it's good! ...They've done studies you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works everytime."
Ron Burgundy: "That doesn't make sense."

Used as above.

* * *

"It's boring, but it's part of my life."

Used after explaining one's hobbies or work activities. In Ron Burgundy's case, lifting weights.

* * *

"I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities."

Used after someone points out an error or inaccuracy in your statement(s).

* * *

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet. [pause] I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.

Used as a punchline, after others have remarked about loving a certain item or food.

* * *

"It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice."

Used to remark on the high temperature.

* * *

--Old School--

"You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy."

Used to express appreciation toward a person or that person's wild sensibilities.

* * *

"Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!"

Used to describe a person's place or residence, chosen vacation spot, destination, etc, regardless of which state the person is travelling to/living in. An alternative phrase is, "Ah, yes - the City of Lights!"

* * *

[Mitch has caught Mark with another woman]
"What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there."

Used when wrapping up a trivial conversation.

--Dirty Work--

[Mitch is trying to talk on a phone he has just destroyed. The caller can't hear him well.]
"It must be... your phone."

Used as above, but usually on a phone that hasn't been beaten with a baseball bat.

* * *

"Old Jack's an odd duck. Many times, I catch him staring at me sleeping, which is off-putting. His feet bleed..."

Used to describe a gross or undesirable person or thing.

* * *

"Oh yeah: intense physical attraction to me."

This was Mitch's reasoning for why the film's female lead was putting up with his behavior. I use it the same way.

* * *


"Shit that was a fun party!"

Used as Paul "You Betzler" Metzler uttered it.

* * *

--Billy Madison--

"Mr. Madison, what you have just said, is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul."

I think everyone uses this, or has at least heard it, so I don't feel any need to explain.

* * *

"This is the best night of my life!"

Billy and his friends said this after the old man "called the shit poop". Used somewhat sarcastically, after something funny happens.

* * *

--Notting Hill--

Anna: Can I stay for a while?
William: You can stay forever.

Used as above, said while doing a horribly, horribly bad Hugh Grant impersonation.

* * *

--Office Space--

[Michael Bolton is having trouble with the fax machine.]
"PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?"

Used when confused about something, especially technology.

* * *

--There's Something About Mary--

"All I've got are these damn Nepalese coins"

Used when you're asking for a loan, especially if you don't have the correct amount of change, enough cash, etc.

* * *

"We got this one guy Mongo, he's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theater, but he's a good shit, so we don't bust his chops too much."

Used describe a good friend or acquaintance.

* * *

Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

Used when jogging someone's memory.

* * *

--Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery--

Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

Used to solicit comments from individuals that are uninterested in your idea/joke/etc.

* * *

--The Royal Tenenbaums--

[Eli is on drugs while being interviewed on Peter Bradley's television show. He is wearing a microphone.]
Peter Bradley: Now, your previous novel...
Eli: Yes, "Wildcat".
Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?
Eli: Well... "Wildcat" was written in a kind of obselete vernacular...
[long pause]
Eli: ... wildcat... wild... cat...
[he stares into space]
Eli: ... pow... wildcat... I'm going to go. I'm taking this off and I'm going.

Used when making an exit, especially a quick exit.

* * *

[Raleigh St. Clair is experimenting on Dudley]
"How interesting! How bizarre!"

Said excitedly when witnessing an odd event.

* * *


[Zoolander and Hansel are trading barbs.]
"You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't."

Used immediately before unleashing a damaging comment.

* * *

[Zoolander is explaining why he hasn't yet unleashed "Blue Steel".]
"You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage."

Used to explain one's inaction.

--Super Troopers--

[A highway patrolman is examining the police station's detention cells]
"What are your cells, 8 by 8? Ours are 9 by 9. No big deal."

Used when bragging about the quality of one's possessions or one's superior qualities, especially when speaking to the opposite sex.

* * *

[A car has just sped by the highway patrolmen.]
"Mother of God."

Said gravely and slowly, after something trivial has occurred.

* * *

--Wet Hot American Summer--

[The assistant professor is teaching the nerdy campers about Earth's orbit around the sun.]
Asst Prof: "You might say that each and every one of us is a crewmember here on Spaceship Earth."
Nerd: "When can we say that?"
Asst Prof: "Any time. Dinner... Literally, any time."

Used as above, or any time after someone says, "Any time".

* * *

Add others in the comments. Next up will be user-submitted quotes from both TV and film. If you have any to add to that list, email me, or leave a comment.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Quotes - Part Two - Television Shows

Continuing on, here are some quotes used in everyday speech by me, or by my group of friends. Inspired by The Onion's list of Simpsons quotes for everyday use.

[And, what a difference a day makes - most of the YouTube clips I'd found have now been removed due to copyright infringement. And I thought this was America!]

* * *


Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?
Jerry: Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly.
Vanessa: How masculine...
Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos.

Used often during the winter months, as I have poor circulation, and am consistently the only person in the room that is still cold enough to wear my coat or jacket.

* * *

Boss: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: Who said that?
Boss: She did.
George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.
Boss: You're fired.

Used as above (when you were NOT ignorant to X), as well as the opposing situation.

* * *

(Jerry is being interrogated at the post office, and is drinking a soda.)
Newman: All right, then let me ask you this: didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? Huh? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define "rarely".
Newman: Frequently.
Jerry: Are we about through here, Newman?
Newman: It's pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld? Pretty... Hot.
Jerry: Actually I am quite comfortable.
Newman: Can I have a sip?
Jerry: No.
Newman: Not going to play ball, huh? All right, admit it - that stereo was already busted.
Jerry: You can't prove anything.
Newman: Is this or is this not your signature?
Jerry: No, as a matter of fact it isn't.
Newman: (read signature) Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence.

Used any time you're in an extremely well-lit place, or near an unusually low-hanging light fixture. Ideally used in the company of someone who will follow up with, "Actually, I'm quite comfortable."

* * *

(Kramer and Newman are hosting a talk show from Kramer's apartment, using the old Merv Griffin set furniture. George is talking about squirrel surgery.)
GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
KRAMER: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
NEWMAN: (laughs) El Paso!
JERRY: What's he here for?
KRAMER: To take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life, mmm?

Used as a lame joke, substituting "El Paso" with the name of the boring/disliked city someone is headed to.

* * *

--Ren & Stimpy--

"Call the police."

When Ren and Stimpy were peddling rubber nipples, Mr. Horse was one of the prospective customers they spoke to. Mr. Horse was shown breaking character here, as his usual straightforward, stern demeanor was replaced by a nervous, panicky paranoia. He was seen wearing pants, gloves and a cap made of rubber, and was concerned that the FBI had sent Ren and Stimpy to find him. It appeared that he had a walrus captive with him, as the walrus whispered "call the police" to the salesmen.
Always whispered urgently, but never in truly urgent situations - you don't truly wish for the police to be called. Substitute for, "Help me get out of this uncomfortable position."

* * *

--David Letterman--
"It's not bad. It's pretty good, actually." (?)

Unfortunately, I can't find any record of this one on the internet, and I'm uncertain if it is verbatim. It's taken from an old Letterman sketch (that Shawn happens to have on VHS - I think it was from Dave's NBC days, prior to his CBS promotion), spin-off of the old commercials that replaced coffee X with Folger's Crystals. Dave's coffee is replaced with "scalding hot candle wax"; after he takes a sip, he says the line. Used after taking the first drink of a beverage, often a beverage that appears unappealing or has never been sampled before.

* * *

--Saturday Night Live--

"Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, 'When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?'"

There are probably a ton of little things we've stolen from the good years of SNL - I didn't want to spend a lot of time on it, but this one warrants mentioning. Used to poke fun of someone else's bad idea. It could also be used to chide someone's decision to practice unsafe sex.

* * *

(Jack Perkins, host of A&E's "Biography", has been drinking throughout the episode, and is now drunk.)
"We're running with the shadows of the night. So, baby, take my hand we'll be alright. Surrender all your dreams to me tonight, they'll all come true in the end." That's a song! It's called "Shadows of the Night", by Pat Benetar.. we should do a biography about her. But I bet we won't. I hope you enjoyed our look at Tiger Woods and his determined dad, Earl. For "Biography", I'm Jack Perkins. Nighty-night!" SNL Tiger Woods "Biography" sketch

Used hopelessly, to express doubt that you will follow-up on a good, yet difficult, idea or plan. Tone of voice is key.

* * *

--South Park--

"I'm so high right now."

Used when you "have no idea what's going on." Always, always spoken with the Towelie voice.

* * *

(Stan's father Randy is being arressted for fighting at his son's baseball game.)
"I thought this was America?! Isn't this America?!"

Slurred when your civil rights are being very slightly impeded.

* * *

--Sifl and Olly--

"It's great. It's got a little high cholorine though, kinda dangerous... They're good, though..."

Bing the Cholorinator represented Watertower Nuggets, a failed breakfast cereal. Used to extol a product's advantages, despite its more obvious disadvantages.

* * *

"It's a pretty good robot."

I think (I didn't have time to go through all the Sifl and Olly clips on YouTube and my DVD is scratched) that Sifl says this about the news-reading robot he built. Used to describe something that is solid, but not spectacular.

* * *

--Sealab 2021--

President: And that would be the sound of the Komissars phone melting.
Quinn: My god! You bombed Sealab?
President: Well, unless their phone sponteously melted, which they're... no, they're telling me isn't likely.
Quinn: Oh, the humanity!
President: Now listen to me! Bombing us won't bring them back! Two wrongs don't make a right, and... such and so forth.
Quinn: Right, yes, I'll land the plane.
President: Super! I tell you what my friend, you uh, land yourself at Andrews and uh, come on over! We'll have some er ah, Tom Collinses, and I'll introduce er ah, well, you know her. Hot little blonde from Sealab?
Quinn: What, Debbie's there?
President: Oh yes, hell yes yes! Quite a fast piece of er ah, baggage there! In fact, my brother's probably hosing her down as we speak! We can share, eh? You know I'm into that!

Used whenever someone mentions or orders a Tom Collins. Spoken in a Kennedy-esque accent. Usually accompanied by talk of The Hamptons, yachting, etc.

* * *

"Holy Crap! It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!"

Captain Murphy's exclamation is used to describe the effect of something awesome.

* * *


You really have to watch the episode to understand - I won't even try to explain.

* * *

--Arrested Development--

Buster: "I jumped through a plate glass window on a date."
Michael: "Well, women do love to laugh."

To be honest, I haven't used this quote yet. But I will. A lot.

* * *

--Upright Citizens Brigade--

"You ladies going swimming?" (?)

This is another one I couldn't find verbatim on the internet. A Pro Thunderball player directed the pick-up line toward a few of the scantily clad "gorgeous honeys" roaming the field. Used when walking/driving by a group of women, as a faux-catcall. Rarely audible for the women in question.

* * *

[These sketches have not been broadcast on television, but since Stella later got a show on Comedy Central, I think these count.]

"Why don't you go home and suck on your momma's flabby teeeeeat?"

Used as fightin' words.

"I can feel your hard on."

Used during awkward moments when another male is sitting too close to you.

* * *

--Mr. Show--

Take it from me, I love you!

Used... well, it's not used much, to be honest.

It's so big, it's fucking great.
And with the price of beef going through the fucking roof, that's a deal.

Used when talking about big things or non-beefy things.

This cock sucker dragged me down here, I don't know.

Used to explain your presence at an event.

Look lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth...

Used as fightin' words.

* * *

Again, if you have some you'd like to add, or any corrections, please let us know in the comments. (Note: if you've already emailed me some quotes, I'll be posting those soon - no need to put them in the comments for now.)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Quotes - Part One - The Simpsons

I loved The Onion's list of "Simpsons quotes for everyday use" - it made me realize how many Simpsons quotes I use in my own everyday speech. I thought I'd try to make a list of Simpsons quotes that my friends and I use on a daily basis.

Then, one night after dinner, I said, "Right? Right, Comrades?", and realized I was quoting the scene where Austin Powers is unfrozen. I decided to monitor myself for a few weeks, and count the number of TV and movie quotes that came out of my mouth.

Now, bear in mind - there are two different quote situations. One is "in context". If you're out bowling, and someone screams, "OVER THE LINE!!", that Big Lebowski quote is "in context". The other is "out of context". When you're out bowling, and someone screams, "EAT THE HAM, TINA!", that Napoleon Dynamite quote is "out of context".

I'm listing only "in context" quotes - quotes that we honestly, almost subconsciously, use regularly. I'm excluding mainstream quotes, such as Seinfeld's "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

First up, The Simpsons

"Not a looker in the bunch."

The Sea Captain says this after a group of senior citizens board his ship. I think it's pretty obvious when I would use it - at the bar, at a party - whenever the ladies don't meet my exacting specifications.

* * *


Wikipedia (who else?) explains it best:
"Meh" is a commonly used word in the Simpsons universe, and is a sort of grunt of disinterest.

In the episode "Hungry Hungry Homer", Homer asks Bart and Lisa if they want to go to Blockoland:

Bart and Lisa together: Meh.
Homer: But the TV gave me the impression that...
Bart: We said, "Meh!"
Lisa: M-E-H, meh.

The meaning seems to be approximately "I'm not in favour of the idea, but would go along if necessary." It could also be interpreted to mean "Oh well" or "whatever."

One notable use in this form was in the episode "Girly Edition." When Marge says to Homer "Oh, for Pete's sake! Why is that monkey wearing a diaper? I thought he was housebroken!", Mojo, the helper-monkey, responds by waving his hand while saying "Meh".
* * *


Again, the web explains it:
After appearing many times on The Simpsons, "Yoink" has gained widespread usage as a verbal exclamation made when removing or stealing an object from its owner or rightful place. First used by Homer in "Duffless", when he snatches the wad of money he saved, by not drinking for a month, from Marge. Coined by Simpsons writer George Meyer.
* * *

Comedian: I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the Zebra did it (crowd laughs)
Homer: I don't get it
Lisa: Dad, the Zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary
Homer: I still don't get it.
Lisa: It's just a joke
Homer: Oooh! I get it! I get jokes.. ahahahahahahaha

Used sarcastically, usually after hearing an obvious, current-events-related zinger. You get a lot of mileage out of this quote during a Leno monologue.

* * *

"I hear that, Renegade."

(Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas' character on the USA Network's "Renegade". His sidekick was agreeing with him about something - I can't find the dialogue online.) Used in place of the more pedestrian "I agree." or "You've got that right."

* * *

Homer: Uh, oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don't see him.
Lorne: Ah, Max Power. Trent said I absolutely must meet you. This is fabulous--
Homer (interrupting): Anyway, Marge, how do you feel about the economy?
(Lorne walks away dejected)

Used to steer the conversation away from its current course. Always said loudly. Usually results in the person really talking about the state of the U.S. economy; at that point, I try to redirect the conversation once more.

* * *

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Used absurdly, as above.

* * *

"All for Syrus! All for Syrus!"

I have no idea as to the context of this phrase (or how to spell the name Syrus/Cyrus), but I think it was from The Simpsons. Most often used in poker, after winning a large pot, while raking chips toward yourself.

* * *

Data: "It must be coming towards us at a fantastic speed!"
Cosine: "We must alert the proper authorities."
Report Card: "To the observatory!"

A nerd code-named "Report Card" said this excitedly at the beginning of their trip - I use it in the same fashion.

* * *

"Careful! They're ruffled!"

Buzz Aldrin's warning about potato chips floating inside the space shuttle. Used at picnics, or wherever chips may be found.

* * *

[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.

Used immediately after deciding to take a trip in a car.

* * *

Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (imitating Nixon) "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" (Smithers laughs) I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

Used rarely, exactly how you'd think. It comes up more often than you'd think, too.

* * *

[Bart walks into the room looking sad]
Marge: Do you notice something different about Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Used absurdly, in response to a "What's wrong with him?" inquiry.

* * *

[the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson.So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Mr. Thompson.
Homer: Gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.
[FBI man gives up]

The loud whisper, i.e. "I think he's talking to you," or, "He seems nice," is used always said loud enough for the everyone to hear. Used to poke fun at the person that, if the whisper was soft, could not hear the phrase.

* * *

[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.

Used to peer-pressure someone into doing the popular thing - ordering the same beer at a bar, for example.

* * *

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

Used to express support of a revolutionary idea.

* * *

Milhouse: [Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose] It smells funny in there.
Homer: No, it doesn't.

Used to deny an obvious fact. The tone of voice here is key - if you don't say it like Homer does, you're not quoting The Simpsons. (I always think of my friend Nathan saying this - I think he does the best impression.)

* * *
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.
Man: [from audience] You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]

Used to express the finality of a statement, as in, "That's it. That's all. That's the joke."

* * *

Kent: The safe-baby craze: It's sweeping Springfield thanks to one crusading parent.
Homer: That's me! [gets off the couch, dancing and singing] Safety dance, safety dance, everybody look at your pants!
Kent: But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe, he's made infant-related businesses cry -- all the way *away* from the bank. [cut to Kent interviewing a businessman] How are your baby crutch sales?
Businessman: Uh, terrible, Kent. And cartoon character Band-Aids, forget about it.
[cut to Hibbert, holding up a happy baby]
Hibbert: Look at this baby. Not a scratch on him, and I've got boat payments.
[cut to a factory owner, standing in front of the factory that prints baby get-well cards]
Owner: The dream is over. Shut 'er down, boys!
[a steam whistle blows, and the factory stops. Dozens of newly-unemployed workers trudge out of the plant]

This is one of the few quotes I researched for this assignment that I was horrified to find I was saying incorrectly. I had been saying "The dream is dead," rather than "The dream is over." Shockingly, no one noticed. Again, the tone of voice is key here - it's not a Simpsons quote unless you say it like the stereotypical Texas businessman. Anyway, it's used to represent false dismay toward a routine happening, such as a sold-out movie or a closed restaurant.

* * *

(Homer is carrying a gun.)
Apu: Oh! Don't shoot! Just take the money and get out!
Homer: What? Oh, Apu, I would never...or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart...
Homer imagines himself sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a beautiful mansion, dressed in a top hat and suit with a sash reading "Senator". He smokes a cigar and twirls his gun on his finger. As music plays, Marge dances in a pink bikini. Convinced, Homer makes his decision.

Homer: I'll do it! I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart!

Used pretty much anytime after saying, "I'll do it."

* * *


I caught myself using just a few more today...

Indian #1: Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little Joe and Hop Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout.

Indian #2: You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights. [audience boos] But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? [pause] Am I right, folks?

[the audience doesn't respond, so the two Indians motion for the theme song to play again, which they dance to]

Used whenever a joke bombs.

* * *

Back to the loch with you, Nessie!

Groundskeeper Willie said this after viewing the hideous Selma's video dating submission. Used after viewing, eating, drinking, or reading anything unappealing.

* * *

If I missed anything, or got anything wrong, let me know in the comments.

The next installments will cover non-Simpsons TV shows, and movies.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Sleep Tooth

Thursday Night

Dreamt that I lost two large teeth, and a third - one of the small ones in the lower front - was very loose. I have these "tooth dreams" regularly, and I hate them. It's my least favorite dream theme. I'd much prefer to relive other bad dreams of my childhood, like when the evil guy from the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon enslaved my family in a mine. Or the Halloween dream.

Friday Night

Dreamt that Death Cab For Cutie was playing a gig at Louise's Downtown. The bassist and I were friendly. Imagine my shock when I learned that, in seven alternate realities, the bassist had been kidnapped or killed or something by aliens or something.

(I might still be drunk.)

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

An Open Letter To McSweeneys

Continuing on...

Despite the disappointing ending, the night was fun, and I continued to click on the McSweeney's website every day. When I became employed, I used some of my new income to subscribe to the quarterly journal. The first issue I received was #13, an issue entirely devoted to comics -- not something I'd usually read, but it was entertaining. Number 14 was solid. I found my name in issue #15; I should have known that marked the beginning of the end. Number 16 was awkwardly packaged and contained a plastic comb.

Issue #17 was packaged as a bundle of mail, and was short on the short stories. I ended up throwing most of it in the garbage -- which is where I anticipate placing much of the current quarterly. Issue #19 comes in a cigar box, and consists largely off odd, old pamphlets and public records. A grand total of four works of fiction are included, and I enjoyed only one of them.

My point (finally), is that I, a loyal, pretentious McSweeneyite, paid for a subscription to a literary journal, and now receive an interesting but forgettable piece of art every three months. I want my fiction back. I want my attractive-yet-traditionally-bound volumes back. Please, Dave -- all you've ever done for me is write my favorite book, sign one of my favorite books, and edit the quarterly that consumes the vast majority of my leisurely reading time. Do me a favor. Think outside the cigar box. Simplify, man!

Monday, June 05, 2006

You Shall Know My Verbosity

Rumor has it a painfully long post of mine will be found on Circle V soon - enter her domain at your own peril.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Last Twenty Six Sixths Of June

I remember never hosting a party, then hosting one. My mother put together an obstacle course in the backyard - through some old tires, the sandbox - and was the official timer, holding our black stopwatch.

It's the only pre-high-school birthday party I can recall; as you can see, even its memory is clouded. There were two campout birthdays. The first was a small affair, when Robert, Shawn, and some friend of Robert's (and casual friend of mine) who had a lazy eye. Shawn brought his guitar, and one of the middle strings broke. We stayed up all night, lighting leftover fireworks - Saturn Missles, to be exact - after daybreak.

The second campout was a much larger affair, with many tents and people to fill them, including girls. There was a fire, courtesy of the fallen limbs near the Cowskin Creek, and there was even booze. Brian returned home that night, busted, forced to pour the cheapest vodka available down the kitchen sink. "Are you sure you don't want to save this for when company comes over?" he asked his dad. "Brian, this is Viaka. None of our friends is going to want to drink this stuff." I don't remember where I slept that night. I had a girlfriend for that birthday - she gave me a Bananas in Pajamas figurine - but I'm sure she didn't stay overnight, certainly not in my tent.

I spent most of my 21st birthday on my bathroom rug, useless to the guests I could hear in the living room, a victim of poor judgment and a gigantic gin & tonic. In the same apartment the following year, attendance was much lower, and I can't blame them.

During my first (and only) full summer in Minnesota, I decided that I would surround myself with the things I loved for my entire day of birth. I listened to my favorite albums (I'm certain Weezer's blue album, In Utero, and Either/Or were among them) that afternoon. I watched Rushmore. Later, my girlfriend treated me to an early bird steak, with a side of mushrooms. Jeff and Ben bought me several shots of "The Doctor" at Sally's. I shot pool. When the jukebox played "Paranoid Android", I calmly excitedly drunkenly explained to everyone that it was about the fall of the Roman Empire.

I think Pat's wedding fell on a birthday weekend.

The T-Birds first match (and the strange events afterward) was just before June 6, 2004. The following night, Brian, Kelly, Floyd and I took shots while playing Hungry Hungry Hippos and Scrabble - I didn't make it past 10 p.m. On the actual birthday, Floyd, Sarah and I ate at El Mezcal, then went to a few bars in downtown Lawrence. I spouted Rattle & Hum quotes most of the night. "This song was written in a hotel room in New York City. 'Round about the time a friend or ours, little Steven, was putting together a record of artists against APART-HEID!"

I've already mentioned last year in Albuquerque. This year, I'll be at work all day, and probably watch Rushmore in the evening.

And if it's like any birthday I've experienced in the last 10 years, I'll think of this when I wake up June 6:
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Race For The Prize

You're looking at the final two competitors from tonight's Scripps National Spelling Bee. It was high drama this evening as these two bright young women matched wits. I somehow found time to break away from the educational action to ask,

"Which one of these chicks is going to lose their virginity first?"

On our left, the winner, New Jerseyan Katharine "Kerry" Close. The bio on the Scripps website states:
This fall she plans to attend High Technology High School, which specializes in science, mathematics, and technology. Kerry enjoys listening to music and reading. An avid runner, she likes to run on the boardwalk near her home. She enjoys training her Maltese puppy, Danny.
On our right, the runner up in our NATIONAL spelling bee, CANADIAN Finola Hackett. Her bio says:
She plays piano, fiddle, and accordion and has studied Irish dance for 10 years. Soccer, badminton, and swimming are her athletic endeavors; and she makes and sells beaded jewelry as a hobby. Finola likes Italian and Asian cuisine, especially anything with noodles. She reads fantasy and Agatha Christie novels.
They are about the same age - both are in 8th grade.

Place your bets! Be sure to support your argument.