Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Land Of 10,000 Wows!

We visited old pals in Minnesota over the weekend. Wow! What a state!

Bar, our host, grew raspberries and erotic cucumbers in her backyard with great ease!

Water fell from the streams, as if from the sky!

Beautiful flowers grew in parks, as did sculpture!

Theaters were constructed by crazy people!

The crazy theater had an "Endless Bridge" sticking out of it, from which citizenry could admire the mighty Mississippi!

Or, if the citizenry were too poor or dumb to enjoy the bridge, they could mill about the riverbanks like rabble!

All to enjoy free fireworks!

It is truly the land of opportunity, a land I shared with cherished ladies and one man (the grumpy Nye's bartender - my Grumpy's bartender was unironically pleasant).

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Floyd And I On The Aisle - Inception


So if you haven't seen Inception yet, come back later. Also, get your shit together and your priorities straight, nerd! Get to that flick!

There's no big point to this (on a blog? weird...), we just felt like chatting about the movie we enjoyed.

Floyd's chatwords are blue, like his dreamy eyes:

so I saw inception
it was like a blowjob for the brain

look at runpee.com's suggestions for when to take a bathroom break

I'm interested if I nailed it because I don't feel I missed anything nope didn't nail it

but those suggestions are horrible!
runpee should be ashamed!

they've disgraced the runpee name!

they've pissed all over their reputation
I only have, like, one thought about the movie:
I wish it was longer, or a miniseries or something
because we worked hard to learn the rules, and now those rules are kinda useless

it really could have been an amazing show that setup has endless potential

plus a longer movie with an intermission would have solved the pee problem
it would have given confused people a chance to catch up

thank God I wasn't sitting near anybody that was asking questions
I sat next to a lady who got up to use the restroom with, like, 15 minutes left in the movie

haha right in the middle of the climax? when the van's about to hit the water and everything else?

I was trying not to pay attention, but basically YES
she should murder her bladder

or the cashier that convinced her to upsize her Coke

it should be illegal to sell drinks for that movie

I'll load up the petition template

any revelations you'd like to add?

hmm do you think in the end he was still in a dream? I kind of do I think it was all Michael Caine's work trying to get him over his dead wife

no. but I don't really focus on the ending. I'm not going to fight about something that's clearly ambiguous

sure and I don't really care either but it's an interesting idea

that said,
it is very strange that Caine was waiting for him at the airport

right and it was kind of a "perfect" ending almost dreamlike I'm sure some nerd has found some clue somewhere

well, it could be argued that Caine was informed of the plan beforehand
but whatever

I was surprised how little Ellen Page annoyed me

she is pretty good at acting!

how different would the movie have been if she'd been playing Juno?

no noticeable change
haha jk
it would have been awful, homeskillet

(via Videogum)
possibly worth a parody script

she should have been Juno, and JGL should have been the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun...
when Leo washed up on the beach, Kim said he was Jack from Titanic.

and Cillian Murphy could have been Scarecrow man, that would have been a bad dream!


I wish the reviews for it would have been more cheesy "This movie is a dream come true!" "A wet dream for movie lovers!" and man, the porn spinoff potential

wet dream. Man, that's the best.

I hope they don't invade my dreams because there's going to be a lot of banging going on

well duh. But I'm sure you'd welcome Mal to make an appearance

oh man yeah, she'd play a different role she wouldn't be killing everybody, for starters

she'd stab your dick

with her cat's teeth

I'm surprised how quickly I accepted the fact that people dreamed together
"Oh, okay, sure."
"Whatever you say, Christopher Nolan."
"That machine makes it work. No problem."

it's the future, Dan a wondrous future where women can be architects, and Japanese people own businesses

I thought the Slap Chop was the future?
Was Juno pulled from an architecture program, or some crazy genius dream study major?

not really sure that was kind of ambiguous she seemed fascinated by the dream world, so I thought maybe she was a real architect did you catch the fun connection of her name?

I think she was studying to be Michael Caine.
No, I'm not that deep into mythology. I read about it afterward.

She helped Theseus out of the maze!!

I was mostly trying to hear/understand what her name was. They only say it once or twice.

it was a little convenient that in the super dream, dying doesn't wake you up but sends you to limbo forever I still don't think that would be all bad limbo seemed kind of awesome

uhh, well, maybe the first decade would be cool.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Fire Wheel Jug

Did you know that Chicago's Major League Soccer team is called the Chicago Fire? Did you know that inferno killed around 250 citizens in 1871?

Does it surprise you that a sports club is named after a disaster? A century or so from now, would you expect Lockerbie to name its Rocketgolf team the Pan Am Passengers? Or the Sudanese to name their Hoverball squad the Lost Boys?

* * *

When I pass a semi on the highway, I fixate on the lug nuts on the front wheels.

I imagine each popping off the wheel like a gatling gun, shredding through my car door and torso.

And now you will, too.

* * *

I walk by this image every day. (It is part of a recycling campaign.) It drives me nuts.

Why would she be allowed to take a free shot from beneath the basket? If the game is being played with a plastic milk jug, why is the referee holding a basketball? WHY IF SHE JUST SHOT THE MILK JUG, WHY IS SHE POSED AS IF SHE HAS YET TO SHOOT?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Queasy Quotes

I found this on my flash drive and find no record of it in my archives, so...

To meet this brief list's criteria, a film or television quote must:

1.> Initially, be funny
2.> Be co-opted by the dregs of humanity
3.> As a result, cease to be funny

"Yeah baby!"

The inspiration for this list comes from Mike Myers' first Austin Powers movie, a laugh-a-minute juggernaut unleashed upon the world in 1997. Unlike the franchise follow-ups, the original film is still a joy to re-watch, with the exception of this line. Every time I hear it, I think back to one sad morning, watching Kathy Lee exclaim "Yeah baby!" again and again, Regis powerless to stop her.

"Do I make you horny?!" would make the honorable mention list.

"You're so money!" and "Vegas, baby! Vegas!" and "This place is dead anyways."

These lines were hilarious back in the day, when a thin Vince Vaughn delivered them with swagger in "Swingers". Sadly, the American public cannot handle the lines as capably as Mr. Vaughn.

"How you doin'?"

The list's lone television representative comes from Matt LeBlanc's (arguably) finest role, Italian-American Stereotype #1, aka Joey Tribbiani. Joey utters this line to women he wants to have sex with. Your annoying coworker says this line to anyone within earshot.

And I know some would argue that this quote does not meet the first of the aforementioned criteria, but that is elitist. "Friends" wasn't high art, but it was nearly universally accepted as funny until Matthew Perry beat his addiction to painkillers.


What do you know? Vince Vaughn makes another appearance on the list, this time from TBS staple "Old School". I never really understood why people liked to quote "Earmuffs" so much -- that kid putting his hands on his ears isn't nearly as funny as Vaughn claiming he and his friends "are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass."

I recently discovered that an acquaintance has taught her child to apply hand-earmuffs on command. How am I ever supposed to find this scene funny again?

I'm sure the list neglects many fine choices -- please add others in the comments.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

2010 Spring Recap - Netflix

A Serious Man

I enjoyed it. But I have nothing to say about it.

The African Queen

I was somewhat surprised this movie is considered such a classic - it's #17 on the AFI's Top 100. A steamboat hobo (basically) played by Humphrey Bogart and a missionary played by Katherine Hepburn find themselves fighting against the German navy. Along the way, they fall in love because they're the only two people on the steamboat. It's a fun old movie, but I get the feeling people loved it because they finally got to see African scenery without having to read National Geographic.

Year One

Guys, it's available for instant streaming on Netflix. It's short, and not nearly as bad as I was led to believe. David Cross is very funny as Cain.

Sherlock Holmes

Hmm. Nothing to say here, either, except that it's good to have Jude Law and Rachael McAdams back in action. I missed their faces.


Excellent. Funnier than you'd expect from a Hitchcock movie, and it's got some weird imagery designed by renowned sexual deviant Salvador Dali.


I love Sam Rockwell so much, I sat through this whole thing.

Big Fan

Decent, if you like watching Patton Oswalt be a schlub.

Youth in Revolt

Kim and I both enjoyed it a lot. I had considered seeing it in the theater, but was scared off by bad reviews. I can only imagine that the bad reviews came from those who loved the book and were disappointed by the screen adaptation, because at worst, this is a funny, extremely passable coming-of-age tale. It's made excellent by Steve Buscemi, Zack Galafanakis, Fred Willard, and Michael Cera.

People seem to be upset that Michael Cera plays the same character in every movie. This school of thought ignores two points: 1.> The Michael Cera prototype is a very funny character, and 2.> Michael Cera is a 21-year-old willow of a man who still looks like he's in high school. What other roles would you expect Hollywood to offer? Should he turn down these Passive Kid roles for a slot in the new A-Team? Let him knock out a few more leading roles, and if he's still playing a anxious geek a few years from now, we'll crucify him.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Mr Jean Dreams

(click to enlarge)

You're a weird guy, Bill.

* * *

dn: I dreamed I went to your funeral and everyone was wearing jeans. I thought that was pretty disrespectful.

Matt: What the fuck are you talking about?

dn: I am just saying, if you died I would wear a suit out of love and respect for you. Unlike those jeans-wearing yokels in my dream.

Matt: Fuck them. I would wear a panda suit to your funeral.

Matt, standing before the curiously named "Chigger Choker" firework on Independence Day.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Never Nude

Monday night I had a dream.

Michael Jordan agreed to appear in an advertisement or film for our av crew. The shot featured him, lying face up on some rocks on the shore. The camera showed his face, and panned down past his topless torso, and down to his HANES brand boxer briefs. But the boxer briefs were cutoffs, like jean shorts. And the cut-off portion, these small rings of jagged cotton, were still around his legs, an inch beneath the shortened boxer briefs.

He seemed to present us with a large apple tart in a box - packaged like it came from a catalog or was on the shelf at Bed Bath and Beyond - the next morning, to show he was in on the joke? And the tart looked like a pie but who am I to argue with my subconscious, let alone with the greatest NBA player of all time?