Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Martyrs Win Yahoo Public League #688652!

Martyrs win despite losing Priest Holmes!
Trade of R. Droughns for D. Driver toasted from coast to coast!
Championship week:

MotorCityMaulers (11-2-0)
Pos Player Opp Status Pts
QB P. Manning (Ind - QB) SD W, 34-31 17
WR J. Walker (GB - WR) @Min W, 34-31 10
WR Ro. Smith (Den - WR) @Ten W, 37-16 8
WR K. McCardell (SD - WR) @Ind L, 34-31 0
RB L. Tomlinson (SD - RB) @Ind L, 34-31 20
RB N. Goings (Car - RB) @TB W, 37-20 7
TE J. Shockey (NYG - TE) @Cin L, 23-22 3
K J. Brown (Sea - K) Ari W, 24-21 6
DEF Indianapolis (Ind - DEF)SD W, 34-31 2
Total 73

The Martyrs (8-4-1)
Pos Player Opp Status Pts
QB D. Culpepper (Min - QB) GB L, 34-31 24
WR B. Stokley (Ind - WR) SD W, 34-31 12
WR D. Driver (GB - WR) @Min W, 34-31 14
WR E. Kennison (KC - WR) Oak W, 31-30 3
RB C. Dillon (NE - RB) @NYJ W, 23-7 4
RB La. Johnson (KC - RB) Oak W, 31-30 17
TE D. Graham (NE - TE) @NYJ W, 23-7 7
K M. Stover (Bal - K) @Pit L, 20-7 1
DEF Atlanta (Atl - DEF) @NO L, 26-13 8
Total 90

The Other Archives - Prison Rodeo

I'm cleaning out my old university account - this beauty was written by Albert, then a student at Tulane, to his brother Zach - Zach then forwarded it to me in October 2001:
Oh, the rodeo. Angola State Pen every Sunday in October. Come see the
rodeo and stay for the prison craft show. Oh, the rodeo.

You should look into the possibility of a Missouri prison rodeo. Apparently they're spreading to states other than Louisiana now. The concept is solid. Take a sport in which highly skilled riders compete in competitions involving the murderous force of wild animals and then remove any element of skill. I don't see any problem with that.

As you may guess, today's prisoners are not very capable on horseback. Even simple rodeo tasks like rounding a barrel in a race become difficult when you have only a cursory understanding of livestock. When these same individuals are asked to ride a bull for eight seconds hilarity ensues. There were something like 20 riders in the bull-riding competition without one competing a qualifying 8 second ride. Since no winners can be declared in events where no one qualifies prisons have developed competitions where skill is less important than luck and brute strength.

The first prison-only event Angola offered was the 8-man simultaneous bull ride. Eight men, eight gates, one starting pistol. After you fall off the bull other bulls (with riders still attached) attack you. In this situation you have to stay on the bull just to avoid the wrathful fury of a stampede. Prisoners stay on bulls substantially longer during this event than during the normal bull ride.

Later, after several other events which prove the crappiness of prisoners at real rodeo, the second prison-only event occurs. Once again eight gates are simultaneously opened, but this time there are no riders. Instead eight unbroken horses with ropes tied around their necks run out. Then, teams of three prisoners grab the ropes and try to get one member onto the beast. Disaster. Horses can kick with their front legs. I'd never seen it till the rodeo but trust me, they can. The prisoners were exceptionally strong(weightrooms) and easily stopped the horses from running away, but every time one of them got close the horse would unleash a flurry of kicks. The winners appeared to pull the rope so hard that the horse needed the front legs for balance so it could not kick when the prisoner neared. I'm glad those guys are in prison and not near me. Any three men who can pull a horse off balance are scary.

Other rodeo events ensue, then an event where prisoners try to milk a wild cow using three-man teams and ropes like the horse-breaking competition. This was better than the horses to start since cows are stronger than horses and most of the teams were dragged around the arena. However it ended sooner when a team of particularly strong prisoners first pulled the cow to a stop, then got one prisoner alongside. I figured this would end like other such attempts with the scared cow suddenly pulling the two remaining rope-holders over, but the designated milker had another plan. Rather than risk a cow kick to the head this future parolee pushed the cow over and milked it while it lay in the mud. Well played.

The final event was the most conceptually simple event any rodeo could have. The prisoners who wish to participate are released into the ring, then a bull with a poker chip tied between its horns is released. All you have to do to win is grab the poker chip.

So much pain.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Gifted

Asked and shall received:

Nirvana box set - B
Scrabble dictionary - A
Guernica print - A (will have to pay $jillion to get it framed)

Unprovoked:

Metal flamingoish lookin' statue thingy - A+
Simpsons talking ornament - B
Cash - A
Pint glasses w/ poker design - C
Chocolate covered peanuts from Nifty Nut House - B+
Dish towel thingies that you can attach to drawer handles (clearly regifted) - F

Superhunks - Matt and Ben

How the superhunks stole your high school girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

Matt Damon distracted your girlfriend with small talk about men's fashion.

"Yeah, I just feel more comfortable in a sweater vest. Sleeves are too scratchy."

Your girlfriend giggled, trying not to stare at Matt's dimples.

"You're so weird! ...But that's okay," your girlfriend said as Ben Affleck discretely slipped rohypnol into the red plastic cup she had placed on the bookcase.

"Here's to sweater vests!" Matt said, hoisting his own red plastic cup toward the ceiling.

"Cheers!"

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Seek and You Shall Find

Recent visitors to my site have arrived after searching for:
"all i wanna do is race daddy" (Google)
TORNADO IN SESAME STREET (MSN)
superhunks (MSN.co.uk)
modest mouse uptown theater (Yahoo!)
I'm sure you found what you were looking for.

Dear Only Handicapped Guy On My Floor

You seem like a nice and reasonable man, so how's about we come to an understanding?

As you may know, there are only 3 stalls in the men's bathroom, and one of them is handicap-accessible. As you also may know, one of the normal stalls is usually unusable (I mean, poop on the seat? HOW DO YOU GET HIRED TO WORK HERE IF YOU CAN'T PREVENT YOUR POOP FROM LANDING ON THE TOILET SEAT? How do you LIVE?!). During high-volume periods, myself and others find ourselves with little other recourse than to utilize "your" stall.

Mind you, I don't feel all that comfortable when I use it. Physically, everything's fine - more than fine. But I'm a tad anxious in there, hoping you won't come in the restroom and find your stall occupied. That would be awful - I don't want you waiting for a spot that is rightfully yours. I were you, and someone was in my spot, I would be seriously pissed.

So, I'm happy to leave you what is rightfully yours whenever you need it; however, I have no way to know when you need it. Let's fix that.

We'll just put up a little sheet - tape it on the stall door, put a little golf-pencil next to it - and you can record the time when you use the stall. If I notice that you haven't visited for a while, I'll use one of the other stalls or even go to the restroom upstairs. Cool? Cool.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Sex and the Shitty

No new Gilmore Girls tonight. No new Scrubs. No new Real World. My options were so limited, I decided that I would try to watch an entire episode of Sex and the City.

I shuddered a bit when the 2nd or 3rd line of the show was Carrie's voiceover saying:
"Nothing is more frightening than running into your ex before your morning coffee."
What? Nothing? Stomach cancer, global warming, haunted houses. That's 3 more frightening things right off the top of my head. Running into your ex when you've got a booger, running into your ex when your hair is a mess, running into your ex with your car. That's 3 more.

Cut to a scene of Kim Catrall's character with her lesbian girlfriend at a bar. KC knows the bartender a little too well, it seems. And some other guy at the club. Oh, I get it - she has sex with a lot of men.
In the city.

Sigh.

Frown.

I give up and switch it to Who's Line reruns.

Work Spam


Some dolt decided to send an e-mail to every employee in the entire organization today featuring this cute little elf (I can't post a .gif file, so you don't get to see the cute little elf wave at you or the colorful banner that switches back and forth from "Happy Holidays" to "Season's Greetings").

Thanks, fellow employee! It's not like I already delete 30 e-mails a day or anything!

(I also like how the message featured non-denominational greetings, yet featured an elf waving from a box of presents.)

Monday, December 20, 2004

Sit On It

I got a new office chair at work today - a hand-me-down from the office director. It was probably the biggest thrill I've had at work since the summer, which is incredibly sad.

I also had time today to reflect on the lyrics of Elvis' "Return to Sender". Lots of problems if you think about it:
I gave a letter to the postman,
He put it his sack.
Bright in early next morning,
He brought my letter back.
Mail in the morning?
This time I’m gonna take it myself
And put it right in her hand.
And if it comes back the very next day
Then I’ll understand - the writing on it
What's not to understand, King? She's mad at you! She doesn't want to read your letter! Remember the quarrel you were just singing about? That's why!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

More Dirty Stuff

Since Zach and I didn't take a trip to historic Lecompton today, I've washed my sheets, got screwed over in a game of Heisman-level NCAA Football on the PS2, and browsed the internet. Ubersite has provided me with the funniest link so far, "Bert and Ernie's Guide To Eroticism". Here's an excerpt:
6) Roleplay! Once Bert and I decided to roleplay that we were Luis and Maria from down the block on Sesame Street. Soooo, I stuffed up my ears with cotton and let him beat me.

We'll All Float On

Modest Mouse
Uptown Theater
KC
Tuesday, Feb 22nd.
GA seats are $22 + Ticketmaster rape/surcharge

See you there?

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Nicknames of Naughty Bits

I'm told some ladies name it. These are a few (true) examples of nicknames for it:
B.A.P. (Bomb Ass Pxssy)
The Fun
Mein Cxnt
The Creamery
Cream Castle
Veggie Delight
My Precious
(braces himself for the comments)

Friday, December 17, 2004

Superhunks - Usher

How the superhunks stole your high school girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

The rims were unforgiving, and there were no nets. Still, the 4th street court was the best place to go if you wanted a pick-up game of hoops.

You were well into the second contest when you buried an eight-foot turnaround jumper. As you jogged backwards and began your defense, you noticed your girlfriend. She was sitting at the bottom of the lone set of bleachers, exhausted from her run around the adjoining park.

Kicked ball. Carry. Foul on the lay-up. The demands of the game kept your attention, and you couldn’t decipher what was happening on the bleachers. Defender’s hands in your face, someone seated next to your girlfriend on the bench, ball bouncing on rim, a notebook pulled removed from a backpack at the bleachers, “No, it’s 10-10. Bull#$^%, it’s 10-9!” from half court, “I really like the way this one is shaded!” from the bleachers. The park was a flipbook with most of the pages missing.

“His name is Usher – he’s a really great artist,” your girlfriend told you on the walk home.

“His name is Usher?”

“It’s not nice to make fun. And you wouldn’t be so judgmental if you just would have looked at his sketches.”

“But wouldn’t I have judged the sketches, making me ‘judgmental’?”

“God...”

The remaining distance to home was silent, save for the bounce of your orange ball on the pavement. You held it to your ear and listened to trapped air reverberate.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Tone Loc's Legacy

Sorry this is all just links, but fuck it, I've got Apprentice to watch tonight. Check out this Chuck Klosterman article, where he examines bands that were neither overrated nor underrated. This is an excerpt from his paragraph on Tone Loc:
Those two songs were actually cowritten with Young MC, whose single “Bust a Move” is con-fusing for the following reason: Its last verse states, “Your best friend Harry / Has a brother Larry / In five days from now he’s gonna marry / He’s hopin’ you can make it there if you can / Cuz in the ceremony you’ll be the best man.” Now, why would anybody possibly be the best man in a wedding where the groom is their best friend’s brother? Why isn’t your best friend the best man in this ceremony? And who asks someone to be their best man a scant five days before they get married? This song is flawed.
(Found via Jeff Johnson's blog - see permanent link at right.)

Holiday Health

Sometimes it pays to read the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. Case in point, the most recent issue's cover article is entitled "Fall-Related Injuries During the Holiday Season --- United States, 2000--2003". Here's my favorite parts:
A fall-related injury was defined as one received when a person descended because of the force of gravity and struck a surface at the same or lower level.
The majority of falls were from ladders (e.g., while hanging holiday lights), followed by roofs (e.g., while mounting an artificial Christmas tree on the roof), furniture (e.g., while standing on a table decorating a Christmas tree, standing on a chair hanging holiday decorations, or standing on a step stool when hanging a tree topper), stairs, and porches. Other falls were caused by tripping over or slipping on holiday-related objects (e.g., tree skirts or ornaments). Among 46% of injured persons, injuries occurred to the extremities (i.e., arm/hand and leg/foot); most persons (88%) examined in EDs were treated and released, and 12% were hospitalized. Fractures were the most commonly reported injury (34%); approximately half (51%) of the fractures were caused by falls from ladders. Of those who fell from ladders, nearly half (47%) were hospitalized.
That fascinating report is followed by "Fatal and Nonfatal Occupational Injuries Involving Wood Chippers --- United States, 1992--2002", which unveils non-Fargo related data such as:
Societal costs of all chipper-related fatalities...for 1992--2001 are estimated at $28.5 million in 2003 dollars.
Stay safe, kids!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Creationism Crap

Once, while I pursued my Master's, a professor made an offhand comment about how Kansas doesn't believe in evolution. I took it in stride, as evidenced by the e-mail I sent to the professor immediately after class (formatting issues below are not entirely my fault):

On August 11, 1999, the Kansas Board of Education voted 6-4 to drop
evolution-based questions from standardized tests taken by Kansas students.
The decision to exclude evolution from the new science standards was a
result what the board thought to be logical reasoning. In their own words:
The proposed draft of the standards presented to the board elevated
evolution to one of the five unifying concepts of science. This was the
only theory given such status, thus suggesting evolution was above
investigation or question. This seemed to contradict a statement in the
document that said students should '...use critical and logical thinking
and consider alternative explanations.' Such a process would not have been
possible in the area of evolution, given the manner in which it was
presented.

The vote had nothing to do with what children were taught within local
schools. Indeed, the very same adopted standards stated, As a result of
their activities in grades 9-12, all students should develop an
understanding ofbiological evolution (p. 79). At no time was there any
mandate from the state board of education to stop teaching evolutionary
theory.

Interestingly, Kansas was not the first state to consider revisions of
evolutionary theory in state science standards. In the three years before
the vote made by the Kansas Board of Education, Illinois, Arizona and New
Mexico experienced similar debates, according to the National Center for
Science Education. Those states did not receive national media attention,
while major national newspapers wrote front page stories concerning the
situation in Kansas. The coverage signaled the beginning of an ambush
against the state's population, with many media personalities -- assuming
that the actions of six men and women in Topeka spoke volumes about the
citizens they were elected to represent -- used the opportunity to get in a
seemingly endless number of jabs against the Sunflower State.

Kansas was not amused. Governor Bill Graves called the board's decision
"terrible, tragic, embarrassing" and his constituents fervently agreed.
Nearly 15 months after the science standards were restructured, four of the
six that voted to drop evolution were incumbents in the fall election.
Only one was re-elected.

(Interestingly, the victorious incumbent was the same man, Steve Abrams,
who was primarily responsible for drafting the 1999 standards. He was
supported by a creationist group based in Missouri, the Creation Science
Association for Mid-America. It would not surprise many Kansans with
knowledge of their state's history that Missouri had a hand in this debacle
-- since the Missouri Compromise of 1821, Missouri has been nothing but a
bad news for its neighbor to the west. That bill indicated that future
states above the southern boundary of Missouri (36030') would be free of
slavery. This idea held until the passage of the Kansas-Nebraska Act of
1854. The new bill, along with the Compromise of 1850, introduced the
notion of popular sovereignty -- territorial settlers themselves would
decide if their state's stance on slavery. Kansas entered the Union in
1861 as a free state, amidst conflict between pro-slavery forces in
Missouri and the population of Kansas -- all means necessary were employed
to influence the new state's stance. Missouri's efforts to influence
Kansas culminated in Quantrill's Raid on the town of Lawrence, Kansas, one
of the few cities in America founded for a purely political reason: the
abolition of slavery. The following is taken from Lawrence's Visitors
Bureau website, just a few clicks away from information on the University
of Kansas and its first basketball coach, Dr. James Naismith, who invented
the game:

"On August 21, 1863, Lawrence suffered what some historians have called the
greatest atrocity of the Civil War: Quantrill's Raid.

While Lawrence slept, pro-slavery guerrilla William Clarke Quantrill and
approximately 400 men from Missouri prepared their attack. Shortly after
five in the morning, they rode into the city. One witness recounted: "The
attack was perfectly planned. Every man knew his place. They flowed into
every street... The order was to burn every house and kill every man." They
killed only men and young boys; women and children were robbed but not
harmed. The raiders killed approximately 200 men that day, leaving slews of
widows and fatherless children. Fires devastated Lawrence's commercial
district; only few buildings remained. As many as 185 homes were burned
during the four-hour raid.

The resilient citizens of Lawrence buried the dead and banded together on
the road to recovery. Within days, makeshift stores re-opened and
rebuilding began. By the following spring, new stores, two newspapers and
telegraph wires were established. The first bridge across the Kansas River
at Lawrence was also finished. Only months later, the railroad came
through. Lawrence had survived and would adopt the city motto: 'From Ashes
To Immortality.'")

The new Kansas Board of Education acted swiftly and purposefully, with a
resiliency similar to those that settled in Lawrence more than 150 years
ago. New standards were adopted in February 2001. Now, teaching
evolution is practically required, and Kansas among the leading states in
preventing religious theory from being taught in science classrooms.
Unfortunately, less media attention was given to this reversal, prompting
the need for essays like this every now and then.

***

Now it all might happen again. As (I'm told) the director of KU's Natural History Museum puts it, "If there's such a thing as intelligent design, why do men have nipples?"

Curses, Yankee! Revisited

Just passing on an ESPN.com Page 3 article that discusses Jeter's previous romances. I recommend reading it, unless you wish to maintain your belief in a fair, just, and benevolent God.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Dear White Blood Cells

I don't mean to be totally unappreciative. I know that you've helped me out a lot in the past, and I know it's tough to work at a job when no one notices your good work, only your failures.

For the most part, you and I have had some really good times. There was a rough patch back in 7th grade when I had pneumonia - knocked me out of school for a couple days and kept me on the bench at the start of my first basketball season (8 and 1/2 foot goals!). There was a period in high school where I couldn't really leave the hide-a-bed, and while I was ill my friends drove around and stole corn for some reason. That's only 2 significant illnesses I can recall in 25 years. Nice work.

You know the part of the job interview when they ask about your weaknesses? And you try to think of something that's only sort of bad, like, "I'm an overachiever"? Well, in your case, your stubborn desire to defeat invading viruses or bacteria or whatnot really is your flaw. Too much of a good thing, in this case, really is a bad thing.

White blood cells, you're producing entirely too much Tumor Necrosis Factor - Alpha (TNFa). TNFa is pretty good stuff, and I have definitely appreciated your liberal production of it over the years. However, and this is key, you're so in love with your own TNFa that you haven't stopped to realize that it's hurting me. It's hurting my colon.

When my parents separated, my mother gave me a book I wish I had now - if it were handy I could show you the chapter about Hobson's Choice. The way the book explained it, you were this guy in the old west, and you needed a horse to go prospect for gold or something. But the stable guy, he just had this one horse left, and he had gout or horse leukemia or something -- bottom line, the beast wasn't going to be a reliable steed. But you're a prospector! You want to get down the road and mine some gold, pronto! So you've got a choice to make: bad horse, or no horse at all? (I guess I should have mentioned - my human mother married an equine. What can I say? It was the '60s!)

White Blood Cells, I've got a serious case of Hobson's Choice. On the one hand, I really, really am anxious to make my fortune as a '49er. No, no -- I mean, on one hand, I like having a competent immune system. Do I like it enough so that I'm willing to let you secrete TNFa all willy-nilly, creating Crohn's complications for me?

My immune system is a team, White Blood Cells, and you're not a team player. You're about to see your role strictly limited.

You may have noticed that, around 9:30 this morning, chimeric antibodies - part mouse, part man - entered my bloodstream. These little guys are going to try to clean up the mess you made, binding up your excess TNFa, preventing it from irritating my lower bowel. Hey, we've had some good times - let's remember that, and try not to dwell on the fact that you've played your way into my doghouse. You're out of control; I'd rather take my chances without you than risk you screwing things up even more.

I don't really know what to say now. Try not to worry about all that TNFa that you produced for naught - I mean, if they've got to die, at least they're being killed by something with a murine component. You've got to admit, that's quite a way to go. I hope you'll respect my wishes and cool it on the TNFa - it's really important to me.

Oh, and if you happen to bump into any of your teammates, you might ask them to take it easy on the chimeric antibodies. Sure, technically they are foreign substances that are trying to invade my body, but make an exception this time and don't attack them. I know it's confusing; I know it's a lot to ask of somebody that I just basically told to fuck off - but you'd really be doing me a solid if you let them know. OK, great. Thanks. Now fuck off.

Curses, Yankee!

When reading People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue, I was shocked to learn that Scarlett Johannson was dating Jared Leto. ("Unjust" and "gross" are two words that came to mind.) Now I read that she's kicked his slacker ass to the side only to replace him with another ass, Derek Jeter. (And no, I don't read the Post on a daily basis; I found the link to the story via Lindsayism.com) Beyond the Jeter thing, a few more dumbfounding snippets from that Post article:

1. Microsoft has a Xmas party?
2. Stars of sport and screen attend a software company's holiday affair?
3. Someone decided to call their new restaurant "Geisha House"?

Monday, December 13, 2004

Candy Cane Moratorium

Every year, you buy more candy canes. You never finish them all. You put them away. They sit on a shelf. A year goes by. You put another unfinished box on the same shelf.

Stop buying candy canes. They never go bad. Let's take a year or three and catch up on eating the old ones. Then we can eat new ones again.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Dry Guy

I just finished a load of whites. My dryer has a few notches to choose from when drying cottons - More Dry, Less Dry, and Optimum Dry. I frequently defy the machine's wisdom by selecting a cycle somewhere between "less" and "optimum".

I play by my own rules.

Gypsies are Indigenous to Pants

A southern co-worker suggested my relaxed fit khakis "looked like a band of gypsies moved out of the back of them". What? A Google search reveals one - only one - use of her phrase online, at an "Active Low-Carber Forum":
I know what you mean now about the inches thing. Today I put on a pair of jeans I haven't had on in a week, and I swear it looks like a band of gypsies moved out of the back end of them. I hadn't thought to measure, but I sure will now. Thing is though, I love getting on the scale and seeing another pound gone. Oh well, I can definately live without the inches!
Those poor gypsies. Always the subject of ridicule.
ME: "I didn't know that Nichole's family was part Gypsy."
PHIL: "You didn't know that? Yeah, that's why she always stole my stuff and moved around a lot."

Saturday, December 11, 2004

All I Wanna Do is Race, Daddy!

"3", the Dale Earnhardt, Sr. biopic, airs tonight on ESPN at 9:00 CST. The over-under on straight-on shots (from the windshield's POV) of actor Barry Pepper's head -- grimacing, turning, holding the wheel steady, just staring at the racetrack, etc. -- is 35.

Happy betting. Should be an inspiring movie. Except for the ending. That might be less than inspiring.

Hand Me That TPS Report...and a Baby Wipe

My place of business recently approved a policy to allow infants in the workplace. Here's a snippet of the policy:
The employee must designate within the care plan, two alternate care providers in the workplace. The care providers must agree to care for the infant in the event the parent is attending a meeting, participating in a telephone conference, etc. Authorization from the alternate care provider's supervisor to participate is required. The parent is required to make his or her workstation suitable for the new infant and shall provide the necessary equipment or furniture.

Sick infants are not permitted at work. Infants who become ill at work or become fussy for a prolonged period of time causing distraction or preventing the parent from working, must be taken home...
I understand the reason behind this policy - I know there's only so much maternity leave you're allowed. Still, I'm more than a little apprehensive. To my knowledge, infants are like my roommate - they only have two moods: "sleeping" and "fussy". Neither state is especially work-friendly. Maybe we should have a trial run with a sack of flour before this policy is fully implemented.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Office Decor


People post a lot of strange, cutesy pictures in their offices/cubicles at work. This one caught my eye this week. Terrifying.

I mean, it's one thing to see a picture of an angel above a phrase about grandchildren or a Bible quote accompanying a field of flowers. Pictures of cats are about as common as it gets. But this image? It's another thing entirely. Does that kitten look happy to you? It's incredibly sad! All that's missing is a noose around the feline's neck.

Why would you want to see this dejected kitten every time you look up at your cubicle wall? You may as well put up a photo of your dog being kicked or a deer with chronic wasting disease.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Superhunks - Bruce Willis

How the superhunks stole your high school girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

ha ha ha ha

Homeroom had never been so boisterous. Bruce Willis' new haircut was so unbelievably goofy that it was met with a wave of mocking laughter. This was even funnier than when that Chuck kid peed himself while solving an algebra equation at the front chalkboard.

ha ha ha ha

Everyone was laughing at Bruce, even the societal castaways that knew how much it hurt to be in his position. The trumpet player that was always tripping over his shoelaces was laughing. The fat kid that never washed his clothes was laughing. The acne-riddled kid that pulled his wheel-equipped backpack everywhere he went was laughing AND pointing. The acne-riddled kid!

ha ha ha ha

Two students were not laughing. You were one of them. Your girlfriend was the other. The Friday prior, you sat hand-in-hand and watched as Bruce delivered a punishing, fumble-inducing tackle to the crosstown rival's halfback.

"That was SICK!" you shouted, releasing your girlfriend's hand to form and raise a triumphant fist of school spirit.

"He's so strong!" your girlfriend agreed. "He's built a like a tank!"

ha ha ha ha

You looked over at your girlfriend. She was silent, watching as Bruce shuffled toward his seat. As he slumped into his desk, his newly shaved head swiveled toward your girlfriend. She smiled and crossed her legs.

Only you were aware that, ever since her Army Ranger father deserted her family when she was 13, she craved attention from men - especially chiseled men with hair cropped close to their scalps so as to prevent infestation whilst living in filthy barracks. Two more people were about to discover this truth - one was your high school girlfriend. The other was Bruce Willis.

The laughter subsided.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Lind-say It Ain't So!

The NY Post reported that superstar double threat Lindsay Lohan pulled an Ashley Simpson during her Good Morning America performance, prompting this response from a disillusioned fan:
"It was embarrassing," one formerly devoted follower told us.
"It hurt my heart."
If you're looking for a site that will report Lohan-related events much, much more frequently than myself, try Thighs Wide Shut. (Not as dirty as you may assume - good clean fun for all.)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Monster and Motley Quotes

Everyone is talking about the new Hardee's Monster Burger. I especially liked this quote from the Yahoo news story:
Edwin Depke, 80, a retired box company worker who has long loved the Thickburgers, was won over by the Monster at a St. Louis Hardee's.

Calories schmalories, he said.

"They're big and thick, with all the trimmings," Depke said. "You
don't have to worry about all bun and no meat."
All the trimmings? Is bacon a trimming now? Or is Ed referring to the mayo they slap on the Monster? The sesame seeds on the bun? The 2nd 1/3 pound angus beef patty? The 2nd and/or 3rd slice of cheese?

But I'll take it easy on ol' Edwin today, because the quote of the day goes to former Motley Crue (sorry for the lack of umlaut...damn English language keyboard) frontman Vince Neil. Oh, snap! Did I say "former frontman"? What I meant to say was "frontman, now and forever", because the Crue is totally getting back together! Tommy and Vince appear to have healed their differences, Nikki Six is off the junk, and the guitarist whose name I don't remember is recovered from his hip replacement surgery (seriously). Sound kind of lame? Sound like a gimmick to sell their upcoming greatest hits album, "Red, White and Crue" (again, seriously)? Well, allow Vince to put your fears to rest with a quote that doesn't overcompensate in the least bit:
"We're just ready to go out and rock," Neil said at the news conference. "We're still Motley. We still rock."

Monday, December 06, 2004

From the (Other) Archives - Urine-barrassed

Occasionally I will have nothing to say; sometimes I will even lack the simple ambition to post a link. When this happens, I will post an entry from my non-online (I guess you could even call it "offline" or "a MS Word document") journal. This one dates back to November 23, 2002 at 8:55 p.m.:
When Steph and I were dating, we'd go to Ciatti's Italian restaurant on Larpenteur Avenue every now and then. On one such occasion, I went to the restroom and took my place in front of a urinal. A middle-aged man then came in and stood beside me. The urinal billboard in front of him was an advertisement for "Friends" reruns on Channel 45, and featured a shot of the three men and three women smiling, walking along a street, thinking about how rich they are and what a boring sitcom "Friends" has become. The man said one sentence that I didn't reply to, but I probably chuckled: "I feel kind of bad pissing in front of these ladies."

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Livestrong How Long?

As far as plastic bracelets go, the Lance Armstrong-(inspired? designed? commissioned?) "Livestrong" bracelets are pretty good. Simple, yellow, waterproof...it's everything you need in an accessory. What's more, they support a great cause, promoting cancer awareness and raising money for research.

There's only one problem -- when are we going to stop wearing them?

Because I must assume that this is not a fashion trend. People aren't wearing them to be fashionable, right? It's completely crass to even suggest such a thing, right? I'd be some kind of cancer-loving jerk if I drew that conclusion, yes? So where does that leave Livestrong? Will everyone wear them until we have a cure for cancer? Until everyone is sufficiently aware of cancer? Until Armstrong wins another Tour? Until he weds Sheryl Crow?

It will be interesting to see how it plays out; I'm certain it will be nothing like the red ribbons celebrites wore for AIDS awareness until, uh...until they got tired of wearing red ribbons.

Upon Further U2 Review

Between sips of vanilla Smirnoff and coke last night (THREE DOLLARS!! I LOVE YOU HENRY'S!! I LOVE YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT!!!), Floyd and I discussed our growing appreciation for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Turns out Phil was right about this one all along. Phil has been wrong in the past, though:
He incorrectly assumed that throwing a rock through my window would only break a small square of glass, rather than the entire pane.

He thought the walnut chicken was the finest menu item at the Chinese buffet off Fort Riley Blvd.

He thought smashing a spider against the interior of his windshield would not cause said windshield to break.

He thought the sound of cops chasing him was just the car stereo.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Searching for Meaning

Songmeanings.net is a place for people to gather and discuss lyrical significance. The only problem is they're not very good at it. To illustrate this point, check out these thoughts regarding The Kelis' hit "Milkshake":
by msanabear on 04-12-2004 @ 01:27:45 PM
this song has no comments? it must be newly added.

by usernameistaken on 04-16-2004 @ 06:06:33 AM
It has no comments because it has no meaning. this song blows, haha.

by darkgamer on 04-18-2004 @ 01:23:07 PM
in my opinion she is talking about sex or her boobs

by Matty on 04-19-2004 @ 04:55:05 AM
If youve seen the Video clip she makes it pretty obvious its her boobs lol..

Not the most inspiring song, but its got a semi cool beat...

by Bubbley69 on 04-19-2004 @ 05:40:56 AM
I saw an interview with her about the meaning of this song and she stated that its about confidence. She's got attitude that is appealing and the boys like it and the girls who don't have it want it. Milkshake is another word for sex appeal.

by LostProphets417 on 04-23-2004 @ 08:31:32 PM
It doesn't really take a genious to figure this one out...

by funshine on 05-01-2004 @ 03:40:32 PM
my pokemon brings all the boys to the yard
and they're like, let's trade cards
damn right, but not charizard
i can trade you this energy card

by CASSIE ROX YOU on 05-09-2004 @ 04:32:39 AM
its about giving head ((blowjobs)).... if u didnt kno that, i hate to tell u but.... you are stupid and obviously dont get out much!

by Freak A Leak 009 on 05-12-2004 @ 09:30:22 PM
its about what youre good at... what brings all the boys to you

by teacode on 07-06-2004 @ 08:13:30 AM
my friends and i always laughed that it was prostituting prostitution.

by music4thesoul79 on 09-30-2004 @ 10:26:32 PM
Bubbly69 is closer. I heard the interview too. On the online urban dictionary, it's about tittyfuckin, to be blunt and honest. Of course reading that definition and watching the video, make ya wonder...

by angeleyes07 on 10-03-2004 @ 09:50:37 PM
i think its either about gettin eaten out or givin head, something bout what u do wuth your mouth n the southern region of the body on someone.

by omgliekitzlauryl on 10-12-2004 @ 09:20:43 PM
haha. this is the most annoying song EVER in my opinion

by Lici on 10-13-2004 @ 04:00:58 AM
It's obviously very sexual in some way. I'm not sure exactly what Kelis is trying to say, but no doubt it's all about sex and how she's superior and wonderful and sexy compared to everyone else...that's her usual style right? I am not a Kelis fan but i must say, it's catchy to an extent. It's also very annoying. 'My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...' etc. is said in the most irritating voice! Yeah, i'm not really a fan of this.

by clairebaby on 10-15-2004 @ 03:04:23 AM
this song was her one and only comeback. good while it lasted ...not.

by Perfect Wh()re on 11-20-2004 @ 08:03:29 PM
Lighten up kids fantastic song. Makes me wanna dance its truly sad Kelis got bottled of at V festival. Milkshake and trick me are both wicked tunes.

by sfgirl82 on 11-23-2004 @ 04:18:46 PM
I don't know if this is true but my friend told me she has a dirty version which substitutes "milkshake" with "deep throat." What a crass thing to sing about.

Friday, December 03, 2004

November Statistics

Spider Solitaire during work hours. Difficulty level = 4 suits.

Week Ending 11/5
1 win
12 losses

Weed Ending 11/12
1 win
5 losses

Week Ending 11/19
2 wins
15 losses

Week Ending 11/26 (holiday-shortened week)
2 wins
12 losses

Week Ending 12/3 (out sick one day)
1 win
5 losses

November Total
7 wins
49 losses
(13%)

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Giamboobs

Excellent post over at Chris' site (see also permanent link at right) regarding Giambi and BALCO. Looks like medical school is really starting to pay dividends for Chris.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Iron-On

I'm taking daily iron supplements now -- I'll be on them for the foreseeable future. This means I'll hear one or both of these Simpsons' quotes in my head every morning:
"More testicles means more iron."
--Lunchlady Doris, referring to a new formulation of the Assorted Horse Parts used at Springfield Elementary
and
"Iron helps us play!"
--Rod Flanders, upon hearing liver is for dinner

Fat Free American Cheese-Like Food

These are fine you melt the slice, like on a hot ham 'n' cheese or a grilled cheese sandwich. If you do not melt the slice, you are in for some unpleasantness.

Today is World AIDS Day!

I wore a red ribbon pin today.

Nearly 5 million humans are infected with HIV every year.

This planet harbors 38 million people living with HIV.

Think about that the next time you bitch about Bono or Wyclef getting too involved in these kind of issues.