Queasy Quotes

I found this on my flash drive and find no record of it in my archives, so...



To meet this brief list's criteria, a film or television quote must:

1.> Initially, be funny
2.> Be co-opted by the dregs of humanity
3.> As a result, cease to be funny



"Yeah baby!"

The inspiration for this list comes from Mike Myers' first Austin Powers movie, a laugh-a-minute juggernaut unleashed upon the world in 1997. Unlike the franchise follow-ups, the original film is still a joy to re-watch, with the exception of this line. Every time I hear it, I think back to one sad morning, watching Kathy Lee exclaim "Yeah baby!" again and again, Regis powerless to stop her.

"Do I make you horny?!" would make the honorable mention list.


"You're so money!" and "Vegas, baby! Vegas!" and "This place is dead anyways."

These lines were hilarious back in the day, when a thin Vince Vaughn delivered them with swagger in "Swingers". Sadly, the American public cannot handle the lines as capably as Mr. Vaughn.


"How you doin'?"

The list's lone television representative comes from Matt LeBlanc's (arguably) finest role, Italian-American Stereotype #1, aka Joey Tribbiani. Joey utters this line to women he wants to have sex with. Your annoying coworker says this line to anyone within earshot.

And I know some would argue that this quote does not meet the first of the aforementioned criteria, but that is elitist. "Friends" wasn't high art, but it was nearly universally accepted as funny until Matthew Perry beat his addiction to painkillers.


"Earmuffs."

What do you know? Vince Vaughn makes another appearance on the list, this time from TBS staple "Old School". I never really understood why people liked to quote "Earmuffs" so much -- that kid putting his hands on his ears isn't nearly as funny as Vaughn claiming he and his friends "are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass."

I recently discovered that an acquaintance has taught her child to apply hand-earmuffs on command. How am I ever supposed to find this scene funny again?


I'm sure the list neglects many fine choices -- please add others in the comments.

Mount Rushsmore

Everyone knows that my favorite text on a movie prop is the footnote on Max Fischer's "Heaven and Hell" invitation that reads "Casual dress, refreshments, etc." But what are my five favorite "Rushmore" quotes?


“Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich, and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs. And take them down.”

--Herman Blume

Get some rootbeers for anybody who wants one. I don't want one. OK. Next scene. Frank, you enter stage right with a bag of cocaine.

--Max at “Serpico” rehearsal

You're supposed to say, "Forget about it, Sanchez - the old man likes his cannoli --"

--Max, upset with a student who forgot a line in “Serpico”

These are glorious. Let me put them in some water.

--Mrs. Guggenheim, after Max presents a pitiful bouquet of flowers

Make sure these don't get wet.

--Max, casually handing dynamite over to Dirk

Quotes - Part Four - Wrap Up

So, what have we learned? Probably, not much. But it was fun.

A few I forgot, and a few solicited quotes...

There's this sketch, "Taco Mail", performed by The State:



I like to adjust Michael Ian Black's line, "I love the ________. They're probably the best ________ I've ever had," before suggesting someone change his / her behavior / product.

There's also a Simpsons quote I neglected. It's from the episode when Lisa created her own doll, and Mr. Smithers had to turn on his computer to get the real-life Malibu Stacy's contact information. As his computer booted, there was a provacative image of Mr. Burns on the screen that robotically said, "Hello Smithers, you're quite good at turning me on." Smithers then told Lisa, "Um... You should probably ignore that."

I remember the last time I used this quote. I was in a room with a bunch of scientists -- people I didn't know well, professionals from out-of-state. I had been using my work-assigned laptop, but gave up on it due to its general crapiness. I turned on my personal laptop to do some PowerPointing, forgetting the sound that played during the Windows sign-on was inappropriate. Specifically, it was Michael Ian Black's character, Captain Monterey Jack, screaming, "What if my pants fall off and everybody's looking at my weiner?" Good times.

When asked for the quotes he uses regularly, Jeff said:

1) "You're my boy, Blue!" (Old School)

pretty much works for any show of support.

2) "I am a sexy bitch!" (Austin Powers)

i say this as i am primping myself, typically if someone else is around, and esp. if they are giving me a hard time for taking too long.

3) "Your brain...has the...shell on it..."

this is my go-to line any time i get stuck during a bout of good-natured ribbing.

actually, Tommy Boy is a gold mine of one-liners for everyday occurrences, including, but not limited to:

"What'd you do?"
"It doesn't hurt so much here...or here...but right here..."
"Brothers don't shake hands...brothers gotta hug!"
"Are you talking?"
"I was checking the specs on the endline...for the rotary girder...i'm retarded."

4) occasionally, the opportunity presents itself to gain someone's favor and i can whip out, "I caught you a delicious bass." this might be a stretch for everyday scenarios. and it usually confuses people, especially if they haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite. and usually even if they have. if only i hung out with people who actually got these references...i'd probably be the hilarious guy instead of the weird guy...or maybe i'd just be the derivative guy who can't be funny on his own. i'm going to stop typing now.

Jeff also pointed out two "golf-related ones that are pretty versatile", "Get there..." (Swingers) and "Go to your home...are you too good for your home?" (Happy Gilmore).

Bobbo went hog-wild:

Tombstone
This is fortuitous. That means lucky.
I have not yet begun to defile myself.
You're a daisy if you do.
I'm your huckleberry.

Anchorman
That really escalated quickly.
It's science.
Drink it in...it always goes down smooth.

Billy Madison

What day is it? October?

I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy. (used after making a slop shot in pool or basketball)

what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. (Particularly useful in law school.)

Well I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge. (said in response when one is asked "What do you want to do?)

T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

Dumb and Dumber

(complete subset, maybe better to just go with the entire script here, since I'm pretty sure I've used every line from the movie in conversation at some point or another):

The first time I set eyes on [blank], I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.

That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

Well suck me sideways!

So you're telling me there's a chance!

Nice set of hooters you got there!

Kick his ass, Sea Bass! (always a favorite when Matt Siebrandt was playing for KSU)

You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine? (When someone appears drunk.)

I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.

We're really doing it!

Super Troopers

Gimme a liter o' cola.

I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans." (Always has to be said when someone sees or uses the word "shenanigans.")

You boys like Mex-i-co? Woo-hoo.

I am all that is man.

Littering and... littering and... smokin' the reefer.

You gonna set my country music award on fire? (Usually used when responding to the question, "do you understand what I'm saying?")

Phil also chimed in with a few. You have to feel for Phil sometimes, because you know he whips some of these out and is faced with blank stares:

Another great Austin Powers line that I use a lot is, "I get it. I have bad teeth" or "You have 17, sir."

Anchorman is always good:
"I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm kind of a big deal"
"He really ripped the lid of it" - From the seconds movie, "The Legend of Ron Burgundy"

A little more obscure but I frequently use Sifl N' Olly lines. Some of the more choice ones are:

"I'm so curious about knowledge and obtaining knowledge" (When Olly has laser eyes and sings a song about it.)

"I've got two words for you. Double-A. They're getting all the work right now." (When a robot guest hosts for Sifl, they interview a 9-volt battery. This is the
battery's response to "What advice do you have for those of us that want to become batteries?")

Quotes - Part Three - Film

Continuing on, movie quotes myself or my friends use in everyday conversation.


--Bottle Rocket--



"On the run from Johnny Law... Ain't no trip to Cleveland."

Used to express the difficulty of a task.

* * *

--Rushmore--



"I miss the seasons."

Max says while he is enrolled at Grover Cleveland High, referring to his old life at Rushmore Academy. The schools are both in Houston, making this lament absurd. Get it? I get jokes. Anyway, it's used nostagically.


* * *

"Let's rock, Esposito! I repeat - let's rock!"

This is one of the lines in Rushmore that I wasn't familiar with until I watched the whole movie with the subtitles on. It's one of Dirk's lines in Max' opus, "Heaven and Hell", a play about Vietnam. He says it while radioing a platoon or gunboat or something. Used as a rallying cry.


* * *

Miss Cross: "Do you want a carrot?"
Herman Blume: "Yeah, I'll have one of those."

Used as above, said evenly.


* * *

--Anchorman--



Brian Fantana: "No, no. She gets the special one. It's called Sex Panther, by Odeon. It's made from bits of real panther, so you know it's good! ...They've done studies you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works everytime."
Ron Burgundy: "That doesn't make sense."

Used as above.


* * *

"It's boring, but it's part of my life."

Used after explaining one's hobbies or work activities. In Ron Burgundy's case, lifting weights.


* * *

"I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities."

Used after someone points out an error or inaccuracy in your statement(s).


* * *

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet. [pause] I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.

Used as a punchline, after others have remarked about loving a certain item or food.


* * *

"It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice."

Used to remark on the high temperature.


* * *

--Old School--



"You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy."

Used to express appreciation toward a person or that person's wild sensibilities.


* * *

"Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!"

Used to describe a person's place or residence, chosen vacation spot, destination, etc, regardless of which state the person is travelling to/living in. An alternative phrase is, "Ah, yes - the City of Lights!"


* * *

[Mitch has caught Mark with another woman]
"What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there."

Used when wrapping up a trivial conversation.

--Dirty Work--



[Mitch is trying to talk on a phone he has just destroyed. The caller can't hear him well.]
"It must be... your phone."

Used as above, but usually on a phone that hasn't been beaten with a baseball bat.

* * *


"Old Jack's an odd duck. Many times, I catch him staring at me sleeping, which is off-putting. His feet bleed..."

Used to describe a gross or undesirable person or thing.

* * *


"Oh yeah: intense physical attraction to me."

This was Mitch's reasoning for why the film's female lead was putting up with his behavior. I use it the same way.


* * *

--Election--



"Shit that was a fun party!"

Used as Paul "You Betzler" Metzler uttered it.


* * *

--Billy Madison--



"Mr. Madison, what you have just said, is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul."

I think everyone uses this, or has at least heard it, so I don't feel any need to explain.


* * *

"This is the best night of my life!"

Billy and his friends said this after the old man "called the shit poop". Used somewhat sarcastically, after something funny happens.


* * *

--Notting Hill--



Anna: Can I stay for a while?
William: You can stay forever.

Used as above, said while doing a horribly, horribly bad Hugh Grant impersonation.


* * *

--Office Space--




[Michael Bolton is having trouble with the fax machine.]
"PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?"

Used when confused about something, especially technology.


* * *

--There's Something About Mary--



"All I've got are these damn Nepalese coins"

Used when you're asking for a loan, especially if you don't have the correct amount of change, enough cash, etc.


* * *

"We got this one guy Mongo, he's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theater, but he's a good shit, so we don't bust his chops too much."

Used describe a good friend or acquaintance.


* * *

Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

Used when jogging someone's memory.


* * *

--Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery--



Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

Used to solicit comments from individuals that are uninterested in your idea/joke/etc.


* * *

--The Royal Tenenbaums--




[Eli is on drugs while being interviewed on Peter Bradley's television show. He is wearing a microphone.]
Peter Bradley: Now, your previous novel...
Eli: Yes, "Wildcat".
Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?
Eli: Well... "Wildcat" was written in a kind of obselete vernacular...
[long pause]
Eli: ... wildcat... wild... cat...
[he stares into space]
Eli: ... pow... wildcat... I'm going to go. I'm taking this off and I'm going.

Used when making an exit, especially a quick exit.


* * *

[Raleigh St. Clair is experimenting on Dudley]
"How interesting! How bizarre!"

Said excitedly when witnessing an odd event.


* * *

--Zoolander--




[Zoolander and Hansel are trading barbs.]
"You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't."

Used immediately before unleashing a damaging comment.


* * *

[Zoolander is explaining why he hasn't yet unleashed "Blue Steel".]
"You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage."

Used to explain one's inaction.

--Super Troopers--



[A highway patrolman is examining the police station's detention cells]
"What are your cells, 8 by 8? Ours are 9 by 9. No big deal."

Used when bragging about the quality of one's possessions or one's superior qualities, especially when speaking to the opposite sex.


* * *

[A car has just sped by the highway patrolmen.]
"Mother of God."

Said gravely and slowly, after something trivial has occurred.


* * *

--Wet Hot American Summer--



[The assistant professor is teaching the nerdy campers about Earth's orbit around the sun.]
Asst Prof: "You might say that each and every one of us is a crewmember here on Spaceship Earth."
Nerd: "When can we say that?"
Asst Prof: "Any time. Dinner... Literally, any time."

Used as above, or any time after someone says, "Any time".



* * *

Add others in the comments. Next up will be user-submitted quotes from both TV and film. If you have any to add to that list, email me, or leave a comment.

Quotes - Part Two - Television Shows

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Quotes - Part One - The Simpsons

I loved The Onion's list of "Simpsons quotes for everyday use" - it made me realize how many Simpsons quotes I use in my own everyday speech. I thought I'd try to make a list of Simpsons quotes that my friends and I use on a daily basis.

Then, one night after dinner, I said, "Right? Right, Comrades?", and realized I was quoting the scene where Austin Powers is unfrozen. I decided to monitor myself for a few weeks, and count the number of TV and movie quotes that came out of my mouth.

Now, bear in mind - there are two different quote situations. One is "in context". If you're out bowling, and someone screams, "OVER THE LINE!!", that Big Lebowski quote is "in context". The other is "out of context". When you're out bowling, and someone screams, "EAT THE HAM, TINA!", that Napoleon Dynamite quote is "out of context".

I'm listing only "in context" quotes - quotes that we honestly, almost subconsciously, use regularly. I'm excluding mainstream quotes, such as Seinfeld's "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

First up, The Simpsons


"Not a looker in the bunch."

The Sea Captain says this after a group of senior citizens board his ship. I think it's pretty obvious when I would use it - at the bar, at a party - whenever the ladies don't meet my exacting specifications.


* * *

"Meh."

Wikipedia (who else?) explains it best:

"Meh" is a commonly used word in the Simpsons universe, and is a sort of grunt of disinterest.

In the episode "Hungry Hungry Homer", Homer asks Bart and Lisa if they want to go to Blockoland:

Bart and Lisa together: Meh.
Homer: But the TV gave me the impression that...
Bart: We said, "Meh!"
Lisa: M-E-H, meh.

The meaning seems to be approximately "I'm not in favour of the idea, but would go along if necessary." It could also be interpreted to mean "Oh well" or "whatever."

One notable use in this form was in the episode "Girly Edition." When Marge says to Homer "Oh, for Pete's sake! Why is that monkey wearing a diaper? I thought he was housebroken!", Mojo, the helper-monkey, responds by waving his hand while saying "Meh".

* * *

"Yoink!"

Again, the web explains it:

After appearing many times on The Simpsons, "Yoink" has gained widespread usage as a verbal exclamation made when removing or stealing an object from its owner or rightful place. First used by Homer in "Duffless", when he snatches the wad of money he saved, by not drinking for a month, from Marge. Coined by Simpsons writer George Meyer.

* * *


Comedian: I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the Zebra did it (crowd laughs)
Homer: I don't get it
Lisa: Dad, the Zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary
Homer: I still don't get it.
Lisa: It's just a joke
Homer: Oooh! I get it! I get jokes.. ahahahahahahaha

Used sarcastically, usually after hearing an obvious, current-events-related zinger. You get a lot of mileage out of this quote during a Leno monologue.

* * *

"I hear that, Renegade."

(Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas' character on the USA Network's "Renegade". His sidekick was agreeing with him about something - I can't find the dialogue online.) Used in place of the more pedestrian "I agree." or "You've got that right."

* * *

Homer: Uh, oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don't see him.
Lorne: Ah, Max Power. Trent said I absolutely must meet you. This is fabulous--
Homer (interrupting): Anyway, Marge, how do you feel about the economy?
(Lorne walks away dejected)

Used to steer the conversation away from its current course. Always said loudly. Usually results in the person really talking about the state of the U.S. economy; at that point, I try to redirect the conversation once more.

* * *

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Used absurdly, as above.

* * *

"All for Syrus! All for Syrus!"

I have no idea as to the context of this phrase (or how to spell the name Syrus/Cyrus), but I think it was from The Simpsons. Most often used in poker, after winning a large pot, while raking chips toward yourself.

* * *

Data: "It must be coming towards us at a fantastic speed!"
Cosine: "We must alert the proper authorities."
Report Card: "To the observatory!"

A nerd code-named "Report Card" said this excitedly at the beginning of their trip - I use it in the same fashion.

* * *

"Careful! They're ruffled!"

Buzz Aldrin's warning about potato chips floating inside the space shuttle. Used at picnics, or wherever chips may be found.

* * *

[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.

Used immediately after deciding to take a trip in a car.

* * *

Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (imitating Nixon) "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" (Smithers laughs) I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

Used rarely, exactly how you'd think. It comes up more often than you'd think, too.

* * *

[Bart walks into the room looking sad]
Marge: Do you notice something different about Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Used absurdly, in response to a "What's wrong with him?" inquiry.

* * *

[the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson.So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Mr. Thompson.
Homer: Gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.
[FBI man gives up]

The loud whisper, i.e. "I think he's talking to you," or, "He seems nice," is used always said loud enough for the everyone to hear. Used to poke fun at the person that, if the whisper was soft, could not hear the phrase.

* * *

[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.

Used to peer-pressure someone into doing the popular thing - ordering the same beer at a bar, for example.

* * *

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

Used to express support of a revolutionary idea.

* * *

Milhouse: [Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose] It smells funny in there.
Homer: No, it doesn't.

Used to deny an obvious fact. The tone of voice here is key - if you don't say it like Homer does, you're not quoting The Simpsons. (I always think of my friend Nathan saying this - I think he does the best impression.)

* * *
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.
Man: [from audience] You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]

Used to express the finality of a statement, as in, "That's it. That's all. That's the joke."

* * *

Kent: The safe-baby craze: It's sweeping Springfield thanks to one crusading parent.
Homer: That's me! [gets off the couch, dancing and singing] Safety dance, safety dance, everybody look at your pants!
Kent: But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe, he's made infant-related businesses cry -- all the way *away* from the bank. [cut to Kent interviewing a businessman] How are your baby crutch sales?
Businessman: Uh, terrible, Kent. And cartoon character Band-Aids, forget about it.
[cut to Hibbert, holding up a happy baby]
Hibbert: Look at this baby. Not a scratch on him, and I've got boat payments.
[cut to a factory owner, standing in front of the factory that prints baby get-well cards]
Owner: The dream is over. Shut 'er down, boys!
[a steam whistle blows, and the factory stops. Dozens of newly-unemployed workers trudge out of the plant]

This is one of the few quotes I researched for this assignment that I was horrified to find I was saying incorrectly. I had been saying "The dream is dead," rather than "The dream is over." Shockingly, no one noticed. Again, the tone of voice is key here - it's not a Simpsons quote unless you say it like the stereotypical Texas businessman. Anyway, it's used to represent false dismay toward a routine happening, such as a sold-out movie or a closed restaurant.

* * *

(Homer is carrying a gun.)
Apu: Oh! Don't shoot! Just take the money and get out!
Homer: What? Oh, Apu, I would never...or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart...

Homer imagines himself sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a beautiful mansion, dressed in a top hat and suit with a sash reading "Senator". He smokes a cigar and twirls his gun on his finger. As music plays, Marge dances in a pink bikini. Convinced, Homer makes his decision.

Homer: I'll do it! I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart!

Used pretty much anytime after saying, "I'll do it."

* * *

UPDATE 6/12

I caught myself using just a few more today...

Indian #1: Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little Joe and Hop Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout.

Indian #2: You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights. [audience boos] But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? [pause] Am I right, folks?

[the audience doesn't respond, so the two Indians motion for the theme song to play again, which they dance to]

Used whenever a joke bombs.

* * *

Back to the loch with you, Nessie!

Groundskeeper Willie said this after viewing the hideous Selma's video dating submission. Used after viewing, eating, drinking, or reading anything unappealing.

* * *

If I missed anything, or got anything wrong, let me know in the comments.

The next installments will cover non-Simpsons TV shows, and movies.

Was Curly's Gold Just a Legend?

ME (eating 4 Krispy Kreme donuts): "What Billy Crystal movie is this?"

GAVIN: "The one where he goes horseback riding."

And after my morning viewing of City Slickers, it's no wonder they made a sequel. So many unanswered questions.

No Argument Here

"That's so gross! I'm such a queen about that sort of stuff."

--Willie, gay cast member of MTV's The Real World: Philadelphia, reacting to a roommate's scabies infection

"Like anal sex isn't gross..."

--Corinne, reacting to Willie's comment

New Day, New Quote

"If I were a 300 pound black man, and lived in California, that would be a pretty sweet ride."

--My roommate Gavin's indifferent reaction to an episode of Pimp My Ride