Saturday, July 29, 2006

March Madness

In March 2003, I arranged a meeting with a young woman. We watched a terribly dull Tim Roth movie before she fell asleep on my futon. I felt a little silly when I found out about the boyfriend, but we became friends nonetheless.

Before all that, there was this online chat with Floyd. As you will see, we had a lot of time on our hands that night*:

dn: you there?
floyd: yes I am
floyd: what's up?
floyd: I'm actually on right now
dn: man, shit, I'm just chillin'
floyd: and I think I found my calling
dn: wha?
floyd: I found a job titled: Model Scout
dn: like Lorenzo Lamas in that Are You Hot show?
floyd: apparently, if hired for said job, I'd be working for none other than Lou Pearlman, creater of New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync and O-Town
floyd: yes, much like Lorenzo Lamas, except I'd have no Renegade experience
dn: well, very little Renegade experience, at least
floyd: right
dn: I'm e-mailing that Jewish chick just now
floyd: oh, the attractive Jewish girl?
dn: except I'm not for certain if she's of Jewish decent or a practicing Jew or what
dn: yes, the attractive one
dn: she invited me bike riding on Friday, when the high is supposed to reach 50
floyd: wow
dn: People are going nuts. It's all we can think about
floyd: did you ride bikes?
floyd: oh wait, this Friday
dn: yeah
floyd: right
dn: but I've no bike
dn: and that's what we're discussing
floyd: hmmm...
floyd: I'd let you use mine, but I don't think I could ride up there by Friday
dn: she wrote: "you might have to ride on my handlebars."
dn: does that mean sex?
floyd: by handlebars, does she mean cooter?
dn: that's what I'm gonna ask in my reply
floyd: lol
dn: I think I might say I can't get off work for Fri afternoon, and see if she wants to do something at night instead.
dn: that's, like, money, right?
floyd: that seems pretty money to me
dn: you're, like, Mr. Money, so that's good to hear
dn: what I really want to know is: what would Nick Collison do?
floyd: lol
dn: I can't do what Jesus would do, b/c of the whole Jew thing
floyd: Nick Collison would say, "hey, I'm Nick Collison, and I'd love to ride bikes with you"
dn: lol
floyd: that's what Nick Collison would sya
floyd: say
dn: that's why he's a star
dn: I'm taking next Thurs off to do nothing but watch March madness and drink and eat shrimp cocktail
floyd: is next Thursday the opening round?
floyd: wow
dn: oh yeah
dn: Just enough time to recover from St Paddy's day, really
dn: I don't want you to have to skip work to help me fulfill my dream of
> outdoorsy excitement. We can go some other time if you have to work. Or,
> let me know what time works best for your work schedule. My only other
> plan Friday is to see my cousin in the evening.

dn: that's text from her message
floyd: the cousin thing is weird
dn: yeah, and "in the evening"?
dn: when is that?
floyd: I don't know
floyd: is that like from 5-8, leaving the nighttime hours open?
floyd: hmmm...
dn: this is one tough cooter to crack
floyd: lol
dn: It can't be past 8. Seriously. Who would say "evening" if it was an all night deal?
floyd: let's remember that she is Jewish
dn: She's giving me the opportunity, right?
dn: lol
dn: she's leaving the door open for activity later in the evening.
dn: ..or is she?
floyd: I think the door is open
dn: so far all I have written is this:
Do you have a basket on the front of your bike? Maybe I could ride in that. Handlebars are not really my thing.

dn: ...I'm so getting laid
floyd: that's a good line
dn: Yeah, I tried it in a bar once and it didn't work out
floyd: lol
floyd: was it a biker bar?
dn: no, it was a coffee house
floyd: well there was your problem
floyd: maybe you should buy a sidecar, or even make one
dn: maybe I should take the text of our conversation about her message and use that as my reply
floyd: I'd think it wouldn't be too hard to make with a shopping cart
floyd: lol
dn: aren't sidecars just for nazi motorbikes and those asian thingys
dn: what are those things called...
floyd: I've seen Harley sidecars
dn: when the asian peasant pulls you
dn: rickshaw
dn: hmm...I'd have to cut out our references to her being jewish
dn: in case she's not
dn: and the whole, "well, she is Jewish" line
floyd: you don't know that she's Jewish?
dn: here's what happened
dn: at the last party, a few weeks ago, I asked her ethnicity
dn: because she looks a little different, but mostly I just thought she'd say German or Irish or whatever
dn: that's all I was looking for
dn: and she said Jewish
floyd: ok
dn: Apparently people ask her all the time
floyd: so she's Jewish
dn: which I found odd
dn: so she is?
floyd: could she have been kidding?
floyd: that doesn't seem like something to kid about
dn: no, not kidding
dn: but that doesn't mean she is practicing, it means her parent(s) were Jewish
dn: or of Jewish decent
floyd: right
dn: and I can't ever, ever ask her again, because the time has passed
floyd: you know, the Nazis thought of it as an ethnicity
dn: maybe that's how I can bring it up in conversation again
floyd: I think you could probably ask her again
floyd: lol
dn: "you know, speaking of the Nazis...
floyd: "they sure killed a lot of do you feel about that?"
dn: lol
dn: "do you feel bad? Give me it on a scale of 1-10"
floyd: lol
floyd: speaking of genocide, I made a Holocaust joke the other day
floyd: there's this girl in the law school named Holly that we frequently hang out with
floyd: and her birthday is coming up
floyd: I proposed that we name her birthday party "The Hollycaust"
dn: "speaking of genocide". classic. lol
floyd: and it would have a death camp theme
floyd: fog machines, etc.
dn: sounds kind of like my idea for prom:
dn: The Fall of Saigon
floyd: lol
floyd: right
floyd: I was rewarded with nervous laughter
dn: whatever. She's in law school and has no soul, so she should have laughed heartily
floyd: that's what I was thinking
floyd: actually, she probably just didn't get it
dn: Holly is so dumb
floyd: yeah
floyd: she was probably hoping for some lame "Holly-wood" joke
dn: yeah
floyd: but instead she was forced to laugh at the misery of millions
floyd: courtesy of yours truly
dn: millions?
floyd: 6 million, to be exact
dn: come on, Floyd, get real
floyd: give or take
dn: like, twenty, tops
floyd: so you think the Holocaust was a hoax too?
dn: I've added this past my handlebars thing: Maybe me not having a bike or friends is God telling me not to go biking with you. Maybe he's telling me to spend the rest of my life alone, not on a bike. Or maybe we should just get together Friday night.

dn: I should put "Friday night, after I get out of work."
floyd: that's a money message, I think
dn: and maybe substitute "God" with Yahweh
floyd: lol
dn: is that how you spell it?
floyd: I believe
floyd: maybe you should go with "a higher being" to avoid confrontation
dn: "Fate"
dn: The Fates
dn: yeah, confrontation may be unavoidable
dn: she's Jewish, I'm Catholic
floyd: lots of history there
dn: yeah, that's what I'm saying
dn: how do you spell embarrass?
dn: embarass?
dn: two r's?
floyd: aw crap
floyd: I can't tell now
floyd: two rs
floyd: r's
floyd: yes
floyd: that's it
dn: ok
floyd: embarrass
floyd: yeah
dn: maybe I should just write down the words of Queen's "Bicycle Race" and send that as my reply
floyd: "Biiiiiii-cycle! Biiiiiii-cycle! I like to ride my bicycle!" (set to song)
dn: how's this:
dn: Maybe me not having a bike or friends is God telling me not to go biking with you. Maybe He's telling me to spend the rest of my life alone, not on a bike. Or maybe we should just get together Friday night, when I am not working and you are not with your cousin...or was the whole point of your invitation just to see me embarrass myself on a bicycle? Like the point of the wine party was to see me chill a wine meant to be served at room temperature?
floyd: I would go out with you, if you sent me that e-mail
dn: that puts her on the defensive
floyd: lol
floyd: and that's what you want
dn: that puts what we call "the ball" in "her court"
dn: but she's on "defense"
floyd: the minute she starts feeling comfortable around you is the minute her cootie packs up and runs away
floyd: cooter
dn: yes, cootie I don't want
floyd: lol
dn: this should make - nay, force - her to say something like, "No, it's ok if you can't go biking, let's just go out later." Or, the alternative, "Well, shit, you found my cruel ass out. The point was to mock you, just like we did at my party on Friday. Looks like my Jew ass has been caught red handed."
dn: I'm sending it
floyd: that last part?
dn: no
floyd: ok, good
floyd: don't want to show your hand too early
dn: I'm going to try and refrain from saying "my Jew ass" for a while
dn: until we build a rapport
dn: lol
floyd: lol

*Note: Floyd and I are not bigoted, just hilarious.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"I know many black men do that."

When I was in Minneapolis for the July 4th weekend, Jeff, Heather and I watched the Anchorman bloopers for the thousandth time each. Jeff asked about the origin of the dialogue on the bridge:
Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!

Ron Burgundy: If you want to go fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.
I knew Jack Johnson was a real life boxer, but I couldn't say about Tom O'Leary. We didn't think much of it - we went on our merry way to sing karaoke at the VFW, and Heather capped off the evening by feeding Jeff glass-laced salsa. Good times.

Weeks later, Jeff sent me an email:
so, remember when i asked you if jack johnson & tom o'leary were actual references? i found my answer, along with some high unintentional comedy:
If you click the link, you'll see that Slang City dedicates itself to explaining American slang down to each painful detail. The above quote becomes:
Biker: I want you to repair my motorcycle before I beat you severely, ridiculous person!

Ron Burgundy: If you want to have a fight, that's fine. I've got my two fists ready for you.

*Jack Johnson became the world heavyweight boxing champion in 1908 (though not officially until 1910. ) Tom O'Leary was a boxer in the 1920s.
If you're curious about why this website exists, there's a pretty good answer. But I would advise you to ignore its practical aspects, instead reveling in its contents:

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you, young man
I've got 99 problems but a woman isn't one of them

There are rappers with guns after me
Enemies that want to make sure I'm dead
Rap critics that say, "he only cares about money and women"
I'm from the inner city neighborhood, stupid! What type of facts are those?
If you grew up with holes in your shoes
You'd celebrate the minute you had some money
I say, "Forget about you, critics! I have no respect for you!"
If you don't like my lyrics you can press 'fast forward' on the CD player
Radio stations get angry with me if I don't play on their show
They don't play my hits well I don't care
Rap magazines try to use me
So advertisers can give them more money for ads...losers!
I don't know what you think I am
or if you understand the intelligence that I have
I got rich after growing up poor, black man, I am not stupid
I've got 99 problems but a woman isn't one of them
Play it!

99 Problems but a woman isn't one of them
If you having girl problems I feel bad for you, young man
I've got 99 problems but a woman isn't one of them
Play it!

The year is '94 and I am driving with uncut drugs in the trunk of my car
In my rear view mirror I can see the police
I've got two choices: I can pull over the car or
Run away from the police by pressing the gas pedal hard
Now I don't want to have the police chase me down the highway
Plus I have got some money: I can fight the case in court
So I pull over to the side of the road
And I heard "Young man, do you know why I'm stopping you?"
"You're stopping me because I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low.
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some more?"
"Well you were driving fifty five miles per hour in a zone that is marked fifty four miles per hour."
Give me your license and registration and step out of the car.
Are you carrying a weapon on you? I know many black men do that."
"I am not getting out of my car! My papers are legitimate."
"Do you mind if I look around the car a little while?"
"Well, my glove compartment is locked and so is the trunk and the back
And I know my legal rights so you are going to need a warrant to search them."
"Aren't you the clever one! Are you a lawyer or something?
Or somebody important or something?"
"No, I haven't passed the test to be a lawyer, but I know a little bit
Enough that you won't illegally search my car!"
"Well see how smart you are when the drug smelling dog unit comes."
I got 99 problems but a woman isn't one of them
Play it!


Now once upon a time not too long ago
A black man like myself had to use force with a low woman
I don't mean a biological woman
But a low man who didn't have any sense and tried to push me
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
Pray for him, because some fools just love to perform
You know the type - as loud as a motor bike
But wouldn't hurt anyone in a fight
The only thing that's going to happen is I'm going to shoot someone
He and his friends will be talking about me to the police captain
And then I will be trapped in prison
Back through the system with the low people again
Drug addicts lying on the floor scratching themselves
The police will be taking my photo as if they were paparazzi
The District Attorney tried to do wrong to a black man again
I have to pay half a million dollars for bail because I'm African
All because this fool was harassing them
Trying to take advantage of me by acting sweet
But nothing is sweet about how I hold my gun
I've got 99 problems but this low troublesome man isn't one of them
Play it!

You're crazy for this one, Rick (Jay Z's producer Rick Rubin)
This one is yours

Note: This song is based on Jay-Z's experiences as a cocaine dealer. In 1994, he was stopped by the police and refused to let them search his car, knowing they would find drugs. Police called for a K-9 (dog) unit, because if the dogs could smell the cocaine, they could take the car. However, the dogs were unavailable and the officer let Jay-Z go.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Becky And The Wall

Last week I had the gall to propose that one of the Tilly and the Wall vocalists looked a bit like Alicia Goranson, who is better known as the young lady that played Becky on "Roseanne".

I grant you that this is not a perfect match, but keep in mind that, A.> the vocalist in question, Kianna Alarid, was wearing an 80s-style purple dress while performing last Sunday night, B.> we were standing some distance from the stage, next to the bar, where the facial differences were softened, and C.> the Bottleneck's broken air conditioning may have caused me to hallucinate.

I have nothing to say about the other female vocalist, except that she bears little resemblance to Darlene.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Handy Information

Maybe this is a sign of the times, a result of abstinence-only education. It's difficult to tell. But I do know this: I get a shitload of hits on this site from people researching handjobs. Specifically, the risk of HIV infection from a handjob.

Of course, it usually doesn't involve a beer can...

But whatevs.

Now, I just googled "HIV handjob", and you don't see any mention of Tornado Slide until the third page. (Realizing that the third page is pretty high up there in the grand scheme of things, let's pretend it's not, so I don't give myself an aneurysm.) What comes before my blog, you ask? Why, it's numerous trustworthy sources! In fact, the very first two links do a perfectly good job of explaining your low risk.

So please, let the others talk about T Cells and Glycoprotein 120 and whatnot. I'll stick to useless information, like the etymology of "tortilla", and personal tales, like that time I wore a funny hat.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Two Years And No Peaches

I share a cubicle wall with a woman - she has a live-in boyfriend, and the two speak once or twice during the course of a workday.

This morning, she called him to report on what she purchased at the farmer's market. "I bought peaches and corn," she said. "Do you like peaches?"

I was surprised by her question. When you've lived with someone for more than a year - when you've been dating that person for even longer - wouldn't the peach issue have come up by now?

Two years, and no peach cobbler for dessert? No canned peaches? No fresh peaches? No peach pie? No peaches at all?

It gives me hope for all long-term relationships. Couples aren't doomed to stick in a rut, repeating the same dialogue between bites of the same casseroles. They can constantly learn new things about each other, and grow old together in harmony. Yes, honey. I like peaches. I eat the fuck out of peaches. How is your day going? I'll see you soon.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Smug Life

Activities that leave me with an undeserved sense of accomplishment:

*minor handiwork

*eating fruit

*cooking something healthy

*unscrewing a tight lid

*washing my hands thoroughly

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Recently Observed

1. "Consummate" and "Consomme" share a root:

clear soup made from well-seasoned stock

Etymology: French, from past participle of consommer to complete, boil down, from Latin consummare to complete


1 : complete in every detail : PERFECT
2 : extremely skilled and accomplished
3 : of the highest degree

Etymology: Middle English consummat fulfilled, from Latin consummatus, past participle of consummare to sum up, finish, from com- + summa sum
2. "Torte" and "Tortilla" share a root:

a cake made with many eggs and often grated nuts or dry bread crumbs and usually covered with a rich frosting

Etymology: German, probably from Italian torta cake, from Late Latin, round loaf of bread


a thin round of unleavened cornmeal or wheat flour bread usually eaten hot with a topping or filling (as of ground meat or cheese)

Etymology: American Spanish, from Spanish, diminutive of torta cake, from Late Latin, round loaf of bread
3. David Hasselhoff feels qualified to judge other people's talent.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Circular Logic

I was over at Circle V today, wondering why people bothered to comment on Anderson Cooper's blog.

No foolin'.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Like Mike

I had a dream last night that I was on a movie set with Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. I tried to be cool around those guys, and Black rewarded my coolness with an errand -- retrieve his DeLorean from a place down the road, where Oprah was sitting. Pretty standard, really.

Paul gave me a shout out during my waking hours today:

Paul wrote on 07/10/2006 12:35:38 PM:

hey dan,

i'm not sure if you've seen this article yet, but it's worth looking at. it may be the most ridiculous lawsuit ever.

and if you can explain to me the rationale behind how this guy arrived at the amount he is suing for, i'd really like to know. i know how he calculated the figure, but the rationale behind the calculation still eludes me.

dn wrote:

I haven't even got past the calculation yet. $416 million each? His age times 7? Is he 59.428571 years old?

I like how his character has been "defamed". Because people despise MJ and all...

And, on a nerdier note, defamation would literally mean being made unfamous: de-fame. MJ is one of the world's most famous people.

Paul wrote on 07/10/2006 01:48:13 PM:

What I would give for this to actually go to trial, even though there is a 0.000001% chance of that happening. Does this guy expect Jordan to get plastic surgery to rectify the situation?

And, based on the definition of defamation, couldn't Jordan more accurately file a countersuit of defamation? Doesn't this guy actually defame Jordan?

And who are these people at this guy's local gym that mistake him for Jordan? Do these people honestly believe Jordan has shown up to play against them?

So many questions..........

dn wrote:

I'll bet you $416 million that this guy carries a basketball around with him everywhere he goes. AND that he got his earring specifically so he could look like Jordan. AND that he's hired a Pippen look-alike. AND that he calls every white guy he meets "Pax".

At least when the lady sued Letterman for sending her messages through her TV, you knew she was crazy. This guy is just annoying.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Separate Ways Means...

So many questions...

1. Why didn't any women look good in the '80s? This chick is in a music video, and yet she does nothing for me. Best example - the '80s film "Weird Science" revolved around a "perfect" woman that was created, via computer, by two nerds. What did this perfect woman look like? Kelly Freaking LeBrock.

No thanks.

2. Were the members of Journey self-aware? Were they capable of rational thought? Who could have thought the concept for this video was a good idea?


4. Could any band look worse than Journey? Could anybody get away with looking so creepy nowadays? Will future Americans ever allow a group of dudes that look like the starting infield from a prison softball team to become rock royalty?

5. Seriously. Was it the keyboard player's birthday? Did he threaten to quit unless the video revolved around him? Could his fake fingering be any more deliberate, or any more terrible?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Do You Smell That? It's Photos, For You!

Home safe.

You can check out the pictures I took at the Bobby/Corinne Birthday Extravaganza and my Twin Cities/Wisconsin adventure at my Flickr page.

Not pictured: all of the corpses I looked at (and dared Heather to lick) at the Body Worlds exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. Photography was not allowed, but the website gives you the general idea:

Best vacation including corpses ever.