In March 2003, I arranged a meeting with a young woman. We watched a terribly dull Tim Roth movie before she fell asleep on my futon. I felt a little silly when I found out about the boyfriend, but we became friends nonetheless.
Before all that, there was this online chat with Floyd. As you will see, we had a lot of time on our hands that night*:
dn: you there?
floyd: yes I am
floyd: what's up?
floyd: I'm actually on Monster.com right now
dn: man, shit, I'm just chillin'
floyd: and I think I found my calling
floyd: I found a job titled: Model Scout
dn: like Lorenzo Lamas in that Are You Hot show?
floyd: apparently, if hired for said job, I'd be working for none other than Lou Pearlman, creater of New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync and O-Town
floyd: yes, much like Lorenzo Lamas, except I'd have no Renegade experience
dn: well, very little Renegade experience, at least
dn: I'm e-mailing that Jewish chick just now
floyd: oh, the attractive Jewish girl?
dn: except I'm not for certain if she's of Jewish decent or a practicing Jew or what
dn: yes, the attractive one
dn: she invited me bike riding on Friday, when the high is supposed to reach 50
dn: People are going nuts. It's all we can think about
floyd: did you ride bikes?
floyd: oh wait, this Friday
dn: but I've no bike
dn: and that's what we're discussing
floyd: I'd let you use mine, but I don't think I could ride up there by Friday
dn: she wrote: "you might have to ride on my handlebars."
dn: does that mean sex?
floyd: by handlebars, does she mean cooter?
dn: that's what I'm gonna ask in my reply
dn: I think I might say I can't get off work for Fri afternoon, and see if she wants to do something at night instead.
dn: that's, like, money, right?
floyd: that seems pretty money to me
dn: you're, like, Mr. Money, so that's good to hear
dn: what I really want to know is: what would Nick Collison do?
dn: I can't do what Jesus would do, b/c of the whole Jew thing
floyd: Nick Collison would say, "hey, I'm Nick Collison, and I'd love to ride bikes with you"
floyd: that's what Nick Collison would sya
dn: that's why he's a star
dn: I'm taking next Thurs off to do nothing but watch March madness and drink and eat shrimp cocktail
floyd: is next Thursday the opening round?
dn: oh yeah
dn: Just enough time to recover from St Paddy's day, really
dn: I don't want you to have to skip work to help me fulfill my dream of
> outdoorsy excitement. We can go some other time if you have to work. Or,
> let me know what time works best for your work schedule. My only other
> plan Friday is to see my cousin in the evening.
dn: that's text from her message
floyd: the cousin thing is weird
dn: yeah, and "in the evening"?
dn: when is that?
floyd: I don't know
floyd: is that like from 5-8, leaving the nighttime hours open?
dn: this is one tough cooter to crack
dn: It can't be past 8. Seriously. Who would say "evening" if it was an all night deal?
floyd: let's remember that she is Jewish
dn: She's giving me the opportunity, right?
dn: she's leaving the door open for activity later in the evening.
dn: ..or is she?
floyd: I think the door is open
dn: so far all I have written is this:
Do you have a basket on the front of your bike? Maybe I could ride in that. Handlebars are not really my thing.
dn: ...I'm so getting laid
floyd: that's a good line
dn: Yeah, I tried it in a bar once and it didn't work out
floyd: was it a biker bar?
dn: no, it was a coffee house
floyd: well there was your problem
floyd: maybe you should buy a sidecar, or even make one
dn: maybe I should take the text of our conversation about her message and use that as my reply
floyd: I'd think it wouldn't be too hard to make with a shopping cart
dn: aren't sidecars just for nazi motorbikes and those asian thingys
dn: what are those things called...
floyd: I've seen Harley sidecars
dn: when the asian peasant pulls you
dn: hmm...I'd have to cut out our references to her being jewish
dn: in case she's not
dn: and the whole, "well, she is Jewish" line
floyd: you don't know that she's Jewish?
dn: here's what happened
dn: at the last party, a few weeks ago, I asked her ethnicity
dn: because she looks a little different, but mostly I just thought she'd say German or Irish or whatever
dn: that's all I was looking for
dn: and she said Jewish
dn: Apparently people ask her all the time
floyd: so she's Jewish
dn: which I found odd
dn: so she is?
floyd: could she have been kidding?
floyd: that doesn't seem like something to kid about
dn: no, not kidding
dn: but that doesn't mean she is practicing, it means her parent(s) were Jewish
dn: or of Jewish decent
dn: and I can't ever, ever ask her again, because the time has passed
floyd: you know, the Nazis thought of it as an ethnicity
dn: maybe that's how I can bring it up in conversation again
floyd: I think you could probably ask her again
dn: "you know, speaking of the Nazis...
floyd: "they sure killed a lot of Jews...how do you feel about that?"
dn: "do you feel bad? Give me it on a scale of 1-10"
floyd: speaking of genocide, I made a Holocaust joke the other day
floyd: there's this girl in the law school named Holly that we frequently hang out with
floyd: and her birthday is coming up
floyd: I proposed that we name her birthday party "The Hollycaust"
dn: "speaking of genocide". classic. lol
floyd: and it would have a death camp theme
floyd: fog machines, etc.
dn: sounds kind of like my idea for prom:
dn: The Fall of Saigon
floyd: I was rewarded with nervous laughter
dn: whatever. She's in law school and has no soul, so she should have laughed heartily
floyd: that's what I was thinking
floyd: actually, she probably just didn't get it
dn: Holly is so dumb
floyd: she was probably hoping for some lame "Holly-wood" joke
floyd: but instead she was forced to laugh at the misery of millions
floyd: courtesy of yours truly
floyd: 6 million, to be exact
dn: come on, Floyd, get real
floyd: give or take
dn: like, twenty, tops
floyd: so you think the Holocaust was a hoax too?
dn: I've added this past my handlebars thing: Maybe me not having a bike or friends is God telling me not to go biking with you. Maybe he's telling me to spend the rest of my life alone, not on a bike. Or maybe we should just get together Friday night.
dn: I should put "Friday night, after I get out of work."
floyd: that's a money message, I think
dn: and maybe substitute "God" with Yahweh
dn: is that how you spell it?
floyd: I believe
floyd: maybe you should go with "a higher being" to avoid confrontation
dn: The Fates
dn: yeah, confrontation may be unavoidable
dn: she's Jewish, I'm Catholic
floyd: lots of history there
dn: yeah, that's what I'm saying
dn: how do you spell embarrass?
dn: two r's?
floyd: aw crap
floyd: I can't tell now
floyd: two rs
floyd: that's it
dn: maybe I should just write down the words of Queen's "Bicycle Race" and send that as my reply
floyd: "Biiiiiii-cycle! Biiiiiii-cycle! I like to ride my bicycle!" (set to song)
dn: how's this:
dn: Maybe me not having a bike or friends is God telling me not to go biking with you. Maybe He's telling me to spend the rest of my life alone, not on a bike. Or maybe we should just get together Friday night, when I am not working and you are not with your cousin...or was the whole point of your invitation just to see me embarrass myself on a bicycle? Like the point of the wine party was to see me chill a wine meant to be served at room temperature?
floyd: I would go out with you, if you sent me that e-mail
dn: that puts her on the defensive
floyd: and that's what you want
dn: that puts what we call "the ball" in "her court"
dn: but she's on "defense"
floyd: the minute she starts feeling comfortable around you is the minute her cootie packs up and runs away
dn: yes, cootie I don't want
dn: this should make - nay, force - her to say something like, "No, it's ok if you can't go biking, let's just go out later." Or, the alternative, "Well, shit, you found my cruel ass out. The point was to mock you, just like we did at my party on Friday. Looks like my Jew ass has been caught red handed."
dn: I'm sending it
floyd: that last part?
floyd: ok, good
floyd: don't want to show your hand too early
dn: I'm going to try and refrain from saying "my Jew ass" for a while
dn: until we build a rapport
*Note: Floyd and I are not bigoted, just hilarious.