House Rules

I stayed at Matt's while he was in Barcelona for the holiday. I arrived in his home to find the following note:

There are a few things, just simple tasks, I would like you to take care of while you stay in my home. I have prepared a short list. Please put a checkmark next to items you have finished so I can inspect when I return.

1. Don't fucking order any movies. I will find out about them when I receive my bill.

2. Please put the mail on the blue chair in the living room. Don't fucking read my mail.

3. You can eat anything you want, but I would stay away from any dairy products you might find in my fridge.

4. You can use my bed, the sheets are clean. When I say use I mean it is a place in which you can sleep, NOT fuck. Or anything that might lead to fucking in other parts of my house. If you want to fuck, do it on the porch or in the garage like the thousands of cats that roam my neighborhood. It is OK to fuck in the shower.

5. NO fucking parties. A few friends only, you motherfucker.

6. If you see a mouse, fucking kill it.

7. My computer is not for porn. Got it, freak. Do not fucking masturbate to images you might see on my computer.

8. My pistol is in the nightstand next to the bed. Don't fucking touch it. I don't want to come home to find your or someone else's fucking brains all over the wall. There are exceptions to this rule all of which I am certain you can figure out on your own. I trust your judgement.

9. The rifle by the front door is for raccoons and those fucking Seventh Day Adventists. Watch your fucking back because they are all over the place. It is basically silenced so don't worry about attracting any attention. All corpses should be put in the crawl space in the basement next to the hookers I have murdered.

10. Don't turn on the fan in the computer room. It will knock my fucking house down.

11. HAVE FUCKING FUN. I'll be in Barcelona. How's that feel?

He sent some text messages while he was away, while I was wondering why he had an HDTV but no HDTV channels:

11/21 7:24 pm

I'm in Minnesota. Not a single person here remembers you.

11/22 5:47 am

I'm in Amsterdam. I want to use the restroom. I walk in. There are 15 or so dudes in also. I notice a woman with a mop cleaning between occupied urinals. Weird.

11/23 8:11 pm

It's after three. Just getting in. Too much fish.

11/24 3:09 pm

You need to come to Barcelona. Saturday night is fucking crazy. If I never see another Japanese person it would be fine with me.

11/24 3:19 pm

Why do blind people wear sunglasses? Seriously, why. I am not being an asshole. Just noticed that every blind person I have ever seen was wearing sunglasses

11/25 5:45 pm

So I got into an argument in the customs line. This guy called me an asshole because I passed him getting off the plane while he was putting his two coats on.

I simply stated that only a stupid piece of shit would spend five minutes putting on two coats when everybody was leaving the plane after we all stood there for twenty minutes.

And also it's not as if we were going outside and also he was just going to have to take them off to go through security. The girl next to me said, "Game, set, match," and we all laughed and I called him a stupid ass. Did I mention I was tired?

11/25 6:46 pm

I met a girl from Uruguay. I told her you would bone her sans condom.

11/26 8:52 am

...I came home to a dead mouse in the kitchen. I gave it the finger.