Not Awesome Show Bad Job

I have tried to get into "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!" a few times. It's loved by those I love, but it's not my cup of tea. Case in point, my favorite actor, John C Reilly, debuted his "Tim and Eric" spin-off show last night, "Check It Out!", and I only laughed once -- when his Dr. Steve Brule character discovered that "sushi meat is a big rip-off - it's just cat scraps".



Part of me is happy that programs as odd as "Tim and Eric" and "Check It Out!" are allowed on television (albeit cable television, Mondays at 12:30 a.m. Eastern, for only fifteen minutes at a time); yet, I can't help but wish my beloved JCR was spending his time on other projects.

Here are some other artists I'd like to control:

Adam Sandler

Sandler was nominated for a Golden Globe for his work in "Punch Drunk Love", and was critically well-received for his somewhat serious role in "Funny People". On the other hand, he won the Kids' Choice Award for his 2007 turd "Click". After fifteen years of making piles of cash from middling fart movies, it's time to move up to more challenging fare.

While we're on topic, how about his new movie, "Grown Ups"? "After their high school basketball coach passes away, five good friends and former teammates reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend."

Here are the heights listed for these five teammates -- if these dweebs won a single high school basketball game, their coach was certainly legendary enough for a mournful reunion:

Center - Chris Rock - 5'11"
Power Forward - Kevin James - 5'9"
Small Forward - Adam Sandler - 5'10"
Shooting Guard - David Spade - 5'7"
Point Guard - Rob Schneider - 5'6"


Bill Murray

Murray likes to claim he's retired, so no one will bother him with movie projects. When he does pick a role, Jim Jarmusch films him in black-and-white, smoking a cigarette and staring out a window for 90 minutes. Murray needs to unleash a Rushmore-esque (or even better, a Groundhog Day-esque) role every two years, or a Zombieland-esque cameo every year. That leaves plenty of off-time for a retiree.

Kristin Wiig

Wiig is either a smart comedian who chooses to recycle wacky characters so she can get screen time every week on SNL, or she's a one-trick pony. I'm guessing it's the former, which means my real complaint is with Lorne Michaels. Regardless, I'd like to see more variety from Wiig.

Dave Eggers

Stop helping others via your non-profits and start writing me fiction, Mr. Eggers, you altruistic bastard. Also, while "Away We Go" was okay and I hear "Where the Wild Things Are" was good, I need you to write novels and not screenplays.

She & Him

I would dissolve the musical partnership of M Ward and Zooey Deschanel, restricting Deschanel's output to films where she does not play a manic pixie dreamgirl. (And more cotton commercials -- I guess I have no problem with the cotton commercials.) Ward can keep his membership in the Monsters of Folk supergroup, but must produce two solo albums for every MOF collaboration.

James Mercer

The Shins are fired, or at least on haitus, while Mercer experiments with his sound. Uh oh. His Danger Mouse collaboration, Broken Bells, didn't do it for me, so I'd push him back toward his Shins sound.