Monday, October 17, 2011

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 1

[As promised, Floyd and I are going to chat online every Monday to complain about AMC's "The Walking Dead", a free television show we watch of our own free will.]

dn: Season 2 of The Walking Dead starts, and our heroes are driving a caravan down the Georgia interstate. We learn they're short on gasoline. Why are they short on gasoline? Granted, they have several cars and a huge RV, but it seems there are plenty of cars around to siphon gas from in this post-zombie world.

floyd: yeah, I felt that a lack of fuel was a weak excuse to not turn around and avoid the blocked highway

floyd: also, why did they think the highway wouldn't be blocked?

floyd: it's like Post-Apocalyptic Living 101

floyd: avoid the highway, because it's going to be crammed full of abandoned cars

floyd: or some reason

dn: it is strange there there would be sudden congestion on one short stretch of interstate. do you think there was some kind of Oceans 11-esque pulse bomb the zombies set off to disable everyone's cars?

floyd: without knowing the exact geography it's impossible to tell

floyd: I guess it was because of that overturned trailer

floyd: but why did that overturn?

floyd: that's the thing that's never really explained in zombie lore

dn: I'm dubious. Anyway,

floyd: was the traffic jam swarmed by slow-moving zombies?

floyd: which somehow made a trucker jackknife and overturn?

dn: the group decides to use this opportunity to siphon gas and search for supplies

floyd: sure

floyd: turns out there's plenty of fuel, as you pointed out

floyd: and supplies

dn: Mrs. Grimes has a problem taking things from the cars, saying, "This place is a graveyard."

floyd: but it's a graveyard!

dn: how long after the inital zombie invasion do you think this is?

dn: several months, right?

floyd: two weeks?

floyd: three?

floyd: how long did it take Grimes to find the others?

floyd: you think several months?

floyd: they're still freaking out too much for it to be that quick

dn: I guess we don't exactly know, but wouldn't you say it's time she start thinking in Post-Apocalypic terms by now?

floyd: well, sure, but I mean, for me that switch would have turned on really quickly

floyd: probably right around the first time zombies tried to kill me

floyd: and the abandoned cities and all

floyd: and the legions of corpses

dn: She should have a tougher attitude. Tough enough to do something CRAZY like TAKE FOOD FROM DEAD PEOPLE'S CARS

floyd: right

floyd: she's showing total pre-apocalypse morality

floyd: although to be fair, I don't see the problem with stealing from the dead now, so I can't really relate at all why that would be a problem

dn: yeah, that is kinda your thing

dn: with the necrophilia and all

floyd: Bring back the estate tax! Occupy Zombie Atlanta!

dn: So next...

dn: The lookout does an excellent job of looking out for zombies, because he sees one. It's next to the other hundred that he failed to see.

floyd: that are 50 yards away

floyd: all of a sudden

floyd: he was using binoculars

dn: yes. and Grimes directs everyone to get under the cars

floyd: which seems, at the time, like a terrible idea

floyd: but it almost works

floyd: because zombies can't smell people this season or something

dn: let me talk about some plot holes a moment

dn: in season one, they successfully camouflaged themselves by wearing zombie flesh.

dn: so the zombies couldn't smell their aliveness

dn: now, they can hide their smell by hiding under cars?

floyd: sounds like an Axe commercial

dn: and

dn: two of the group had to act fast because they couldn't get under cars, so they threw corpses over themselves for shields

dn: and that worked? So the zombies can smell you if they can see you, but not if you're hiding under a van?

dn: am I missing something?

floyd: I mean, I guess

dn: shall I move on?

floyd: i mean, I don't know any better

floyd: it's almost as if the zombies behavior is predicated on what will create the most suspenseful scene

dn: it's almost like this WHOLE THING is FAKE!!!

floyd: these zombies are real drama queens

floyd: did you ever consider that maybe it was a trick?

floyd: that the zombies were just pretending not to sense them as they shuffled by

floyd: and then, when the humans were lulled into a false sense of security, the zombies would turn around and slowly shuffle back and eat them?

dn: well, that would be interesting. setting them up for a later ambush

floyd: it would be more interesting than what happened, anyway

dn: so next...

dn: the little girl in the group runs off in the woods to escape some zombies, and the rest of the episode is the group trying to find that girl

dn: and it's terribly dull

floyd: well, let's go back for a second

floyd: the one zombie decides to check out the RV, which must have just reeked of manflesh

floyd: just the one

floyd: the others shuffle past

floyd: but this one is a little more canny

floyd: he smells it, the whiny panicking woman

floyd: so he checks it out

dn: she's hiding in the bathroom, so he decides to open the door, like a zombie does

floyd: but only after she decided to continue trying to reassemble the gun

floyd: and drops a piece on the floor like someone that deserves to die would do

floyd: the zombie hears this

floyd: puts it all together

floyd: "RRRaaaarrrghghg, there's people in there"

floyd: THEN tries to open the flimsy door

floyd: None of the other zombies notice this commotion

dn: no, even with all the screaming

floyd: for some reason

floyd: and, as you pointed out, she proceeds to stab the zombie in the eye socket with her mouth wide open


floyd: despite the spurting, highly contagious zombie blood

floyd: which miraculously misses her mouth and eyes

dn: like she's desperately trying to infect herself with some zombie blood in her orifice

floyd: well, she was suicidal ...

floyd: maybe she ... wanted to be infected?

floyd: TWIST

dn: going back a second, do you think a zombie can easily set up and get in that RV?

floyd: was the door even open?

dn: yes, but I always thought they took the path of least resistance

floyd: God

floyd: ok, let's follow this really quick

floyd: man stands on top of 14 foot RV with binoculars

floyd: doesn't see zombies until they're right fucking on top of everybody

floyd: not even enough time to warn the woman IN THE RV DIRECTLY BELOW HIM

floyd: that there's zombies on the way

floyd: she's caught by surprise

floyd: by these fucking zombies

floyd: ugh

floyd: ok, Christ, moving on

floyd: it's just, would it be that hard to set up the zombie shuffle-by better?

dn: yeah, seems like she could have closed the RV door

floyd: it's just so goddam lazy

dn: the writers just try to think of ways to get close human/zombie proximitiy on camera

floyd: so all the zombies go by except for the two stragglers

floyd: despite the rrrhaarrrging, and the screaming

floyd: remember Dan, it's not about the zombies, it's how these regular people cope with living in a zombie world

dn: bleh

dn: anyway, the girl goes missing, so Grimes and Co. have to search for her

floyd: can we talk about that for just a second?

dn: yup

floyd: this girl gets noticed by zombies

floyd: the mom doesn't make a fucking peep

dn: you think she should have made noise to draw the zombies toward her?

floyd: well, she should have done something if she was going to play guilt trip for the rest of the episode

floyd: on Grimes, the only one with enough balls to actually try to save the child

dn: right, so mistakes were made, and she gets lost in the woods.

floyd: after the least exciting chase scene since ...

dn: Grimes and redneck guy go searching for her, and come across a new zombie, which is shot in the face with a crossbow

dn: they realize he's eaten recently, and decide to cut him open to see if he has little girl in his stomach

dn: they find the remains of a woodchuck. like, the whole skull of a woodchuck. in the zombie stomach.

floyd: is that what it was?

floyd: I didn't see that, I was eating

dn: pretty sure they pulled out bones, a skull specifically, because how else would you know what rodent it was?

floyd: I just took their word for it

dn: this raises a billion questions about zombie digestion, and the zombie's quest for flesh in general

floyd: exactly

dn: if they NEED flesh to eat and survive, why are there so many half-eaten humans lying around?

floyd: and how did that zombie catch a freaking woodchuck?

floyd: I mean, woodchucks aren't as agile as many other rodents

floyd: but they're still hard to catch

floyd: for a living human

dn: Yeah! I don't think zombies can even bend over far enough to pick a dead woodchuck off the ground!

floyd: much less the slow-moving, creaking undead

floyd: those zombies chasing that girl were almost running, though

dn: yeah. not 28 Days Later speed, but ambling kinda fast

floyd: they probably had the agility to bend over

floyd: if the woodchuck was actually dead

floyd: the zombies did eat that horse in the first season

floyd: maybe the woodchuck was injured?

dn: and climbed up the zombie and went to sleep on his shoulder?

floyd: haha

floyd: I just pictured a zombie woodchuck sitting on a zombie shoulder

floyd: the woodchuck was basically the puppet from Caddyshack

floyd: now that's what they should have pulled out of the stomach

dn: haha

floyd: "It's ... it's a hand puppet ..."

floyd: "

floyd: and then the Caddyshack song plays

floyd: "It's alright .... nobody's looking at me"

dn: this show needs more Kenny Loggins

floyd: and then zombie Rodney Dangerfield appears


dn: can we talk about the church?

floyd: haha

floyd: yes

dn: so they hear bells ringing, and find a church in a clearing

dn: your typical rural Georgia church in the clearing of some dense woods

dn: the doors are closed, so they open them and see...

dn: 3 zombies in pews, facing Jesus at the altar

dn: those zombies aren't hungry? Don't wanna get out of that room and explore?

floyd: I think it was a metaphor

dn: for a shitty tv show?

floyd: something like that

floyd: it was meant to make the audience ask the question: Was Jesus the first zombie?

floyd: the answer is no, no he wasn't

floyd: Lazarus was the first zombie

floyd: it's in the Bible

floyd: anyway

dn: the doors weren't barricaded or locked, you know. and those bells were ringing every 10 minutes or so - they should have been drawn to the sound

floyd: it made absolutely no sense

floyd: these zombies follow no code

floyd: question:

floyd: because I can't remember

floyd: have they explained how zombie-ism is spread?

dn: not really, but biting seems like the cause. you'd assume any zombie blood would also infect you

floyd: I mean, would would assume, but we'd also assume that zombies wouldn't just sit in an unlocked church, or eat woodchucks, or shuffle down the highway for no reason

floyd: I'm just saying, we haven't seen anyone turn yet

floyd: and there are corpses just laying around that aren't zombies

floyd: with no apparent head trauma

dn: right. did it not say anything about it in the comic?

floyd: the comic was worse than the show

floyd: and I can't really remember if it did

floyd: I mean, I think it's just going on those assumptions

floyd: but these people don't appear terribly careful around zombie blood

floyd: bashing brains in with rocks with their eyes open, stabbing while screaming, etc.

dn: wearing zombie flesh on their person. anyway, let's move on to the final sequence, where the group splits up and heads back toward their cars

floyd: God this episode was long

floyd: and they split up after TWO desperate pleas to Jesus

dn: Well, when you have a Jesus statue handy, you gotta use it

dn: the guy's not omnipresent, you know

floyd: haha

floyd: how predictable was it that Grimes wasn't religious?

dn: "I'm a Sheriff. I believe in the law."

floyd: tough as nails, that one

dn: "I'm still wearing a badge for some reason."

floyd: a cuckold, but tough as nails

dn: so Grimes, the redneck, and Grimes Jr are walking in the woods and come across a deer.

floyd: so they split up

floyd: smartly taking the child with them

dn: Redneck goes to shoot the deer with his bow

dn: probably because it's bow season and not rifle.

dn: once you down a buck with a bow, Floyd, you never go back to a gun

floyd: they don't want to fire the guns, because it would attract zombies

dn: Grimes stops him from firing

dn: the bow

floyd: because the kid wants to get close to the fully grown deer with a full rack

floyd: terrible parenting

floyd: wait

dn: and because he doesn't want to collect meat for the group from which to live off of

floyd: it's not the redneck

floyd: it's Shane

floyd: with a shotgun

dn: oh sorry

floyd: the redneck went back with the others, for some reason

dn: so they let Grimes Jr walk up to the deer

floyd: so to be fair, shooting a deer with a shotgun is pretty stupid

dn: I don't know why

floyd: because they're both terrible parents

dn: was he going to pet a deer? try to ride it like a horse?

dn: break its neck?

floyd: get gutted by antlers?

floyd: that's what I thought was going to happen

dn: yeah man, When Animals Attack

floyd: wipe that shit-eating grin right off of that dumb kid

floyd: "and that's why you always leave a note"

dn: instead, we hear a rifle shot, and the bullet is fired from somewhere in the distance, goes through the deer and hits Grimes Jr in the stomach

floyd: that is one high-powered rifle and a lucky shot

floyd: or unlucky, I guess, if you didn't want the kid to die

dn: so the end of this episode

dn: I'm not happy with it

floyd: be honest, though: would you have expected the episode to end with anything other than a shameless deus ex machina?

dn: It's going to focus them on healing this kid now

dn: when I want to see them going somewhere cool and doing something cool

floyd: man, are you looking forward to an hour of people acting anguished over a dying child?

floyd: a child with a high-powered rifle bullet in his freaking gut?

dn: it's a disappointing turn

dn: another disappointing turn

floyd: Tony Soprano barely survived a gut shot from a Midnight Special

floyd: this kid, in a sane world, wouldn't stand a chance

floyd: but this isn't a sane world, is it Dan?

dn: it sure isn't

floyd: in a world where 1% of the population controls 50% of its wealth?

dn: until next week?

floyd: sure

dn: see you then

floyd: I'll work on more ways to push Occupy propaganda

floyd: later

dn: good times. bye.


Floyd said...

That left out some odd words. Apparently redneck is censored?

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you both are taking the time to review this show so that none of us have to watch it ourselves.

I think we should take advantage of the zombie craze by creating a new niche. I'm speaking of course about combining sports and zombies. Guys, it's time we get started on the script for "Brian's Song 2".


dn said...

Sorry about the few words being censored. It's a formatting issue from copy/pasting the chat transcript to my blog's black background. If you select the text with your mouse, the word will show up.