[Floyd and I continue to discuss AMC's "The Walking Dead", a hugely popular cable series about zombies that is terrible and makes little sense.]
dn: do you want to go through the show bit by bit
dn: or just discuss a few things
floyd: I mean, with this episode, it could be recapped in about three sentences
floyd: what with all the action and plot movement and all
dn: right. so let's discuss the dying boy plotline first
dn: The boy gets shot by a bullet that goes through a deer and into his stomach
dn: turns out this fat hunter was the guy who fired
dn: so he directs Grimes and Shane to a farmhouse, where he says a doctor can help the boy
floyd: it was a hell of a shot
dn: yes, through dense woods
floyd: and a convenient time to know a doctor nearby
floyd: without that doctor within running distance, that plotline would have really fizzled
dn: lots of stuff was near this area, it turns out
dn: i mean, the traffic jam on the highway
dn: the church in the woods
dn: and now a gorgeous turn-of-the-century farmhouse/ranch
floyd: that the zombie hordes have completely left alone
dn: maybe they should call this show "The Walking Deux Ex Machina"
floyd: I will if you will
dn: so they get to the farmhouse, and the boy is in bad shape but maybe the doctor can fix him
dn: he's got to pull some bullet fragments out of his flank
floyd: the doctor also immediately knew how many fragments the bullet split into
floyd: it was 6
floyd: six fragments
dn: yeah, he could see all 6 somehow
floyd: there's more to this doctor than we see at first glance perhaps?
dn: you're suggesting he has magical powers?
floyd: I mean, why not?
floyd: in a world where zombies can use tools and climb ladders, anything is possible
dn: he had more of a Wilfred Brimley vibe, in my opinion
dn: I just figured he'd fix some oatmeal and check his diabetes and let the kid die
floyd: which would have possibly been more exciting than what actually happened
floyd: I mean, I'd watch that show
floyd: "Kid's a goner. Now if you'll excuse me, I got some 'meal to much on"
dn: he'd be such a loveable curmudgeon!
dn: "In my day, we beat zombies to death with whole grain oats."
floyd: I would kind of like to see Brimley fight a zombie invasion, though
dn: I would like to see the whole cast of "Cocoon" fight them
floyd: you wouldn't be able to tell who the zombies were
dn: But anyway, the doctor and his lovely daughters go into medical mode, and transfuse the dad's blood into the kid. The kid wakes up as the doc is pulling out a bullet fragment, so he's screaming in pain
dn: this causes the dad to freak out and yell, "STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM!!!"
floyd: still hilarious
dn: the best! I laughed for the next five minutes, no joke.
floyd: way to be tough, Rick
dn: i mean, the kid had no idea where he was!
dn: all he knew is he woke up
floyd: and some old man is cutting him open
dn: someone was digging in his chest
dn: and holding him down
floyd: and his dad is screaming like a lunatic
dn: great parenting. very cool under pressure.
floyd: he's been through a lot!
floyd: as they constantly remind us
floyd: over and over
floyd: I'd like "STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM" to become a meme
dn: i'd love to hear that every week
floyd: also, what are the odds of the phrase "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME" occurring in the next episode?
dn: the show moves so slow I'd like to have something to look forward to
dn: well, let's talk about the planned surgery
dn: Shane and fat hunter decide to go to the high school to get supplies for the bullet fragment surgery
dn: because the hospital burned to the ground about "one month" ago
floyd: convenient again
dn: which helps us with the timeline we discussed last week
dn: these people have been in zombieland for more than a month
dn: I'd say two months easy, right?
floyd: I have no idea
floyd: how long was Rick under?
dn: who knows? not the writers, that's for sure
floyd: I figured he woke up about a week after shit went down, right?
dn: i guess it doesn't matter, except to say that everyone should be more used to zombie life by now
floyd: and then he found his family pretty quickly
floyd: the point is that it took his whore wife less than a month to start a relationship with his best friend
dn: get busy fuckin or get busy dyin
floyd: man, remember how disgusting that sex scene was in the first season? between Whore and Shane?
floyd: gives me shivers
dn: yeah, backwoods fuckin
floyd: and then later Shane tries to rape her
floyd: good pick there, lady
dn: plus, not that it would improve things much, but neither are very attractive?
floyd: has either smiled yet?
floyd: in the entire series?
dn: really strange that AMC decided not to cast any attractive people in this show
floyd: she might be more attractive if she ever, ever smiled
floyd: and maybe ate a cheeseburger once in awhile
dn: most horror flicks ONLY cast attractive people to make up for the shit writing
dn: she might be more attractive if she wasn't a wet blanket
floyd: on EVERYTHING
dn: and if this show didn't have, like, 7 wet blanket characters that would help too
floyd: like when she finds out the doctor
floyd: the doctor that miraculously was close by in the woods
floyd: was only a veterinarian
floyd: I mean, Jesus, lady, this old man is trying to save your boring son
floyd: give him a break
dn: yeah she's the worst
dn: everybody is the worst
floyd: btw, that kid makes Jake Lloyd seem like Marlon Brando
dn: all he's asked to do is frown, so...
floyd: and smile when he sees deer
floyd: he's decent at playing dead, I guess
floyd: perhaps he's got a future in crime serials
dn: ok ok. so to sum up this plotline, the 2 guys go to get medical supplies, but as they try to escape the zombies they end up locking themselves in the high school
dn: will they make it back to the house with the supplies in time to save the shitty acting kid?
floyd: real quick on that
floyd: so they use flares to distract the zombies
floyd: to get into the surgery trailer
floyd: they didn't have an exit plan?
dn: yeah, they could have brought an extra flare with them
floyd: or, I don't know, anything other than what they did
floyd: crap, have the guy mow through the zombies in the truck or something
dn: pretty terrible work
floyd: I would have gotten some gasoline and set the zombies on fire
floyd: or maybe set the truck on fire, with a corpse in it, so it'll smell tasty to the zombies, and then rolled it past them so they'd chase and kill themselves trying to get in
floyd: it's not that fucking hard, Shane
dn: and now they're trapped inside the school, so maybe some chemistry lab stuff will happen next week to kill all those zombies
dn: but probably not, because that would be exciting
floyd: I'm actually kind of interested to see how stupid the way they escape is
floyd: what deus ex machina they'll use this time
dn: i bet they won't cover themselves in zombie entrails
floyd: does one-armed redneck brother make a reappearance?
dn: because that already worked once
floyd: right, they won't do that again
floyd: I was kind of hoping that they'd just start blasting zombies through the grate
floyd: with enough bullets, that could work
dn: with infinite bullets, yes
floyd: and the fat guy is already good at hitting two targets with one bullet
dn: you know, what's stopping them from just stabbing each zombie in the eye through the grate?
dn: it would take a lot of time, but isn't it foolproof?
floyd: well, I think the grate is going to break before they could finish that
floyd: but otherwise, yeah, that would work
floyd: the zombies are just going to line up for it
floyd: patience is the key when dealing with zombie hordes
floyd: also, having an exit plan
floyd: that's important
dn: should we mention the other plotlines? they are barely worth mentioning
floyd: you know who would do really well in a zombie apocalypse?
floyd: you guessed it, John Olerud
dn: he's protected, and he's precise
dn: my hero
floyd: well, the only other real plotline is that the others are getting ready to leave them behind, right?
dn: the group is split up and maybe they should move on down the road?
floyd: where were they going again?
floyd: another army base or something?
dn: although they haven't been attacked on the highway for days and it seems kinda fine at the moment.
dn: Yeah, I guess an army base
floyd: right, the zombies are kind of thinning out
floyd: and apparently are content to just swarm around FEMA trailers
floyd: is that a metaphor?
floyd: is that a RACIST metaphor?
dn: I assume so
floyd: also note that the only black guy still alive would die without the help of the Southern white man
floyd: this show is suspect
dn: right, the black guy has an infection and needs antibiotics
dn: which he gets from the redneck
dn: and i'm sure there is no problem with dosing or antibiotic resistance
floyd: are those things?
dn: I'm sure you can just grab some from the bag and fix your problems, no sweat
floyd: I'm not in the medical field
floyd: I would just grab some from a bag and fix my problems, I think
dn: yeah it's fine
dn: any pill will fix you, basically
floyd: you sound like my grandma
floyd: rest in peace
floyd: STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM
dn: so that's it? that was the whole goddamn hour of television? we've summed it all up?
floyd: that took an entire hour
floyd: there was one interesting part
floyd: just one
floyd: when Rick and the doctor are having the conversation on the porch
floyd: you know, just wasting away the afternoon while the little boy with the gunshot wound lays dying
dn: they had to get some air
dn: the whole house smelled like boy death
floyd: and the doctor talks about how this is just a correction
floyd: and Rick disagrees
floyd: see, that's the glimmer of a deeper story that I enjoy
floyd: I doubt they'll get back to it
floyd: but they almost had something interesting there
floyd: then we got back to angst
floyd: and Shane and Rick's awkward, forced bromance
dn: didn't he compare the zombie outbreak to AIDS?
floyd: ha, yeah, he did
floyd: AIDS was just like a zombie outbreak
floyd: all those homosexuals running around, biting people
floyd: man, the 80s were crazy
dn: Crystal Pepsi. Ghostbusters. Gay sex. The '80s!
floyd: so I was reading another message board about the show
floyd: and spoiler alert: apparently there's more to this farmhouse than it first appears
floyd: what are the odds that this "doctor" is performing unorthodox, perhaps unethical experiments in an attempt to find a cure?
dn: I bet there's just a cellar with some root vegetables in it
floyd: they're just Mormons
floyd: they politely ask Rick and his wife if they've heard of Mormonism
floyd: Rick and wife decline, and they leave it alone
floyd: and that's episode 3
floyd: that conversation takes 45 minutes
dn: it takes the next 4 episodes
floyd: at the end a single zombie is seen walking toward the house
floyd: that's it
floyd: thanks for tuning into another awesome episode of The Walking Dead
dn: they try to get Rick and his wife to sign up for Amway
floyd: Shane's totally into it
floyd: "I've always wanted to own my business"
dn: "This could be the sign I've been waiting for"
floyd: if this show is a metaphor for Amway ... ok, I could accept that
dn: so we're done? just waiting to see if this kid dies I guess?
floyd: and if the little girl shows up again, maybe
floyd: and to see how Shane and the fat guy survive the zombie horde
floyd: I mean, those are the only plotlines they really left us with at this point
dn: well, if the kids and a few adults die, we could maybe get this show down to a manageable number of horrible people I don't care about
floyd: they need to kill Jamie Lee Curtis already
floyd: and the blonde
floyd: really most of the other group besides the redneck