Monday, October 24, 2011

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 2

[Floyd and I continue to discuss AMC's "The Walking Dead", a hugely popular cable series about zombies that is terrible and makes little sense.]

dn: do you want to go through the show bit by bit

dn: or just discuss a few things

floyd: I mean, with this episode, it could be recapped in about three sentences

floyd: what with all the action and plot movement and all

dn: right. so let's discuss the dying boy plotline first

dn: The boy gets shot by a bullet that goes through a deer and into his stomach

dn: turns out this fat hunter was the guy who fired

dn: so he directs Grimes and Shane to a farmhouse, where he says a doctor can help the boy

floyd: it was a hell of a shot

dn: yes, through dense woods

floyd: and a convenient time to know a doctor nearby

floyd: without that doctor within running distance, that plotline would have really fizzled

dn: lots of stuff was near this area, it turns out

dn: i mean, the traffic jam on the highway

dn: the church in the woods

dn: and now a gorgeous turn-of-the-century farmhouse/ranch

floyd: that the zombie hordes have completely left alone

dn: maybe they should call this show "The Walking Deux Ex Machina"

floyd: I will if you will

dn: so they get to the farmhouse, and the boy is in bad shape but maybe the doctor can fix him

dn: he's got to pull some bullet fragments out of his flank

floyd: the doctor also immediately knew how many fragments the bullet split into

floyd: it was 6

floyd: six fragments

dn: yeah, he could see all 6 somehow

floyd: there's more to this doctor than we see at first glance perhaps?

dn: you're suggesting he has magical powers?

floyd: I mean, why not?

floyd: in a world where zombies can use tools and climb ladders, anything is possible

dn: he had more of a Wilfred Brimley vibe, in my opinion

dn: I just figured he'd fix some oatmeal and check his diabetes and let the kid die

floyd: which would have possibly been more exciting than what actually happened

dn: right

floyd: I mean, I'd watch that show

floyd: "Kid's a goner. Now if you'll excuse me, I got some 'meal to much on"

dn: he'd be such a loveable curmudgeon!

dn: "In my day, we beat zombies to death with whole grain oats."

floyd: I would kind of like to see Brimley fight a zombie invasion, though

dn: I would like to see the whole cast of "Cocoon" fight them

floyd: you wouldn't be able to tell who the zombies were

dn: But anyway, the doctor and his lovely daughters go into medical mode, and transfuse the dad's blood into the kid. The kid wakes up as the doc is pulling out a bullet fragment, so he's screaming in pain

dn: this causes the dad to freak out and yell, "STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM!!!"

floyd: haha

floyd: still hilarious

dn: the best! I laughed for the next five minutes, no joke.

floyd: way to be tough, Rick

dn: i mean, the kid had no idea where he was!

dn: all he knew is he woke up

floyd: and some old man is cutting him open

dn: someone was digging in his chest

dn: and holding him down

floyd: and his dad is screaming like a lunatic

dn: great parenting. very cool under pressure.

floyd: he's been through a lot!

floyd: as they constantly remind us

floyd: over and over

floyd: I'd like "STOP YOU'RE KILLING HIM" to become a meme

dn: i'd love to hear that every week

floyd: also, what are the odds of the phrase "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME" occurring in the next episode?

dn: the show moves so slow I'd like to have something to look forward to

dn: well, let's talk about the planned surgery

dn: Shane and fat hunter decide to go to the high school to get supplies for the bullet fragment surgery

dn: because the hospital burned to the ground about "one month" ago

floyd: convenient again

dn: which helps us with the timeline we discussed last week

dn: these people have been in zombieland for more than a month

dn: I'd say two months easy, right?

floyd: I have no idea

floyd: how long was Rick under?

dn: who knows? not the writers, that's for sure

floyd: I figured he woke up about a week after shit went down, right?

dn: i guess it doesn't matter, except to say that everyone should be more used to zombie life by now

floyd: and then he found his family pretty quickly

floyd: the point is that it took his whore wife less than a month to start a relationship with his best friend

dn: haha

dn: get busy fuckin or get busy dyin

floyd: man, remember how disgusting that sex scene was in the first season? between Whore and Shane?

floyd: ugh

floyd: gives me shivers

dn: yeah, backwoods fuckin

floyd: and then later Shane tries to rape her

floyd: good pick there, lady

dn: plus, not that it would improve things much, but neither are very attractive?

floyd: has either smiled yet?

floyd: in the entire series?

dn: really strange that AMC decided not to cast any attractive people in this show

floyd: she might be more attractive if she ever, ever smiled

floyd: and maybe ate a cheeseburger once in awhile

dn: most horror flicks ONLY cast attractive people to make up for the shit writing

dn: she might be more attractive if she wasn't a wet blanket

floyd: on EVERYTHING

dn: and if this show didn't have, like, 7 wet blanket characters that would help too

floyd: like when she finds out the doctor

floyd: the doctor that miraculously was close by in the woods

floyd: was only a veterinarian

floyd: I mean, Jesus, lady, this old man is trying to save your boring son

floyd: give him a break

dn: yeah she's the worst

dn: everybody is the worst

floyd: btw, that kid makes Jake Lloyd seem like Marlon Brando

dn: ahahaha

dn: all he's asked to do is frown, so...

floyd: and smile when he sees deer

floyd: he's decent at playing dead, I guess

floyd: perhaps he's got a future in crime serials

dn: ok ok. so to sum up this plotline, the 2 guys go to get medical supplies, but as they try to escape the zombies they end up locking themselves in the high school

dn: will they make it back to the house with the supplies in time to save the shitty acting kid?

floyd: real quick on that

floyd: so they use flares to distract the zombies

floyd: to get into the surgery trailer

floyd: they didn't have an exit plan?

dn: yeah, they could have brought an extra flare with them

floyd: or, I don't know, anything other than what they did

floyd: crap, have the guy mow through the zombies in the truck or something

dn: pretty terrible work

floyd: I would have gotten some gasoline and set the zombies on fire

floyd: or maybe set the truck on fire, with a corpse in it, so it'll smell tasty to the zombies, and then rolled it past them so they'd chase and kill themselves trying to get in

floyd: see?

floyd: it's not that fucking hard, Shane

dn: and now they're trapped inside the school, so maybe some chemistry lab stuff will happen next week to kill all those zombies

dn: but probably not, because that would be exciting

floyd: I'm actually kind of interested to see how stupid the way they escape is

floyd: what deus ex machina they'll use this time

dn: i bet they won't cover themselves in zombie entrails

floyd: does one-armed redneck brother make a reappearance?

dn: because that already worked once

floyd: right, they won't do that again

floyd: I was kind of hoping that they'd just start blasting zombies through the grate

floyd: with enough bullets, that could work

dn: with infinite bullets, yes

floyd: and the fat guy is already good at hitting two targets with one bullet

dn: haha

dn: you know, what's stopping them from just stabbing each zombie in the eye through the grate?

dn: it would take a lot of time, but isn't it foolproof?

floyd: well, I think the grate is going to break before they could finish that

floyd: but otherwise, yeah, that would work

floyd: the zombies are just going to line up for it

floyd: patience is the key when dealing with zombie hordes

floyd: also, having an exit plan

floyd: that's important

dn: should we mention the other plotlines? they are barely worth mentioning

floyd: you know who would do really well in a zombie apocalypse?

floyd: you guessed it, John Olerud

dn: he's protected, and he's precise

dn: my hero

floyd: well, the only other real plotline is that the others are getting ready to leave them behind, right?

dn: yeah

dn: the group is split up and maybe they should move on down the road?

floyd: where were they going again?

floyd: another army base or something?

dn: although they haven't been attacked on the highway for days and it seems kinda fine at the moment.

dn: Yeah, I guess an army base

floyd: right, the zombies are kind of thinning out

floyd: and apparently are content to just swarm around FEMA trailers

floyd: is that a metaphor?

floyd: is that a RACIST metaphor?

dn: I assume so

floyd: also note that the only black guy still alive would die without the help of the Southern white man

floyd: this show is suspect

dn: right, the black guy has an infection and needs antibiotics

dn: which he gets from the redneck

dn: and i'm sure there is no problem with dosing or antibiotic resistance

floyd: are those things?

dn: I'm sure you can just grab some from the bag and fix your problems, no sweat

floyd: I'm not in the medical field

floyd: I would just grab some from a bag and fix my problems, I think

dn: yeah it's fine

dn: any pill will fix you, basically

floyd: you sound like my grandma

floyd: rest in peace

dn: lol?

dn: lol!


dn: so that's it? that was the whole goddamn hour of television? we've summed it all up?

floyd: that took an entire hour

floyd: there was one interesting part

floyd: just one

floyd: when Rick and the doctor are having the conversation on the porch

floyd: you know, just wasting away the afternoon while the little boy with the gunshot wound lays dying

dn: they had to get some air

dn: the whole house smelled like boy death

floyd: and the doctor talks about how this is just a correction

floyd: and Rick disagrees

floyd: see, that's the glimmer of a deeper story that I enjoy

floyd: I doubt they'll get back to it

floyd: but they almost had something interesting there

floyd: then we got back to angst

floyd: and Shane and Rick's awkward, forced bromance

dn: didn't he compare the zombie outbreak to AIDS?

floyd: ha, yeah, he did

floyd: AIDS was just like a zombie outbreak

floyd: all those homosexuals running around, biting people

floyd: man, the 80s were crazy

dn: Crystal Pepsi. Ghostbusters. Gay sex. The '80s!

floyd: so I was reading another message board about the show

floyd: and spoiler alert: apparently there's more to this farmhouse than it first appears

floyd: what are the odds that this "doctor" is performing unorthodox, perhaps unethical experiments in an attempt to find a cure?

dn: nah

dn: I bet there's just a cellar with some root vegetables in it

floyd: haha

floyd: they're just Mormons

floyd: they politely ask Rick and his wife if they've heard of Mormonism

floyd: Rick and wife decline, and they leave it alone

floyd: and that's episode 3

floyd: that conversation takes 45 minutes

dn: it takes the next 4 episodes

floyd: at the end a single zombie is seen walking toward the house

floyd: that's it

floyd: thanks for tuning into another awesome episode of The Walking Dead

dn: they try to get Rick and his wife to sign up for Amway

floyd: hahaha

floyd: Shane's totally into it

floyd: "I've always wanted to own my business"

dn: haha

dn: "This could be the sign I've been waiting for"

floyd: if this show is a metaphor for Amway ... ok, I could accept that

dn: so we're done? just waiting to see if this kid dies I guess?

floyd: and if the little girl shows up again, maybe

floyd: and to see how Shane and the fat guy survive the zombie horde

floyd: I mean, those are the only plotlines they really left us with at this point

dn: well, if the kids and a few adults die, we could maybe get this show down to a manageable number of horrible people I don't care about

floyd: they need to kill Jamie Lee Curtis already

floyd: and the blonde

floyd: really most of the other group besides the redneck

floyd: weirdly

dn: let's hope.

dn: until next time?

floyd: have a good evening

dn: love you

floyd: real quick:

floyd: costume idea

floyd: Amy Winehouse zombie

floyd: too soon?

floyd: or too late?

dn: uh, too late?

dn: I think you'd just look like a zombie

floyd: but man, what a voice

dn: you'd just look like a gross dead woman

floyd: "She died as she lived"

No comments: