It's a Pun! Bam!

I bought five fluid ounces of Emeril's "Kick It Up!" Green Pepper Sauce today -- it was cheaper than the Tabasco brand product by more than a dollar, plus it featured this little snippet from Emeril himself on the packaging:

Down where I live in Louisiana, people keep a bottle of pepper sauce on the table, and use it to spice up just about everything. We make this one here in the Bayou State. You'll like what this does for pork and chicken. It'll even make your turkey sandwich something special. Kick It Up! Green so full of ripe Jalapenos, it's "Emeril" Green. Ouch!

Please note -- I didn't screw up the formatting, it really says "Ouch!" in the quote. Also note this product is made in Roseland, New Jersey, not the Bayou State.

XO

Elliott Smith tried killing himself through prescription drugs, heroin, crack, booze, and by jumping off a cliff. In all likelihood -- the autopsy left homicide as a possibility -- he died from self-inflicted stab wounds to his heart. So I guess this story about Elliott, taken from this month's Spin magazine, shouldn't surprise or depress me:

He was fed up with the current state of his life. A lot of people from the label were telling him he needed to get it together. He was so sick of people talking about the future. So he carved the word "now" into his arm with a knife. And he sat down at the piano and wrote "Everything Means Nothing to Me" as the blood was dripping down his arm.

The entire article was scanned by someone over at the benfolds.org message board if you care to learn about Elliott's life and death.

Must...Destroy...Boston...

I've got today off, so I have the rare pleasure of watching an entire Sportscenter (or two or three) this morning. A special extended article about the Yankee's Steinbrenner and Cashman was just on, and I was treated to my favorite scene from 2004 several times -- Cashman, up in his ivory tower, staring down at the field as the Red Sox celebrate the greatest comeback in the history of life. Just a great mixture of body language and facial expression -- not quite sheer contempt, not at all dumbfounded, somewhat deflated -- you'd have to invent a new emotion to describe Cashman at that moment. And we could use that new emotion to also describe what a kid feels like when some bully just beat the shit out of his dad, but the kid knows that he can't do anything about it (if his dad couldn't beat up the bully, then neither can he, so he can't even challenge the bully or call him names or anything), plus the kid's dad is going to be in a shitty mood for a month or so, which means no candy, in bed exactly at 8 p.m., and occasional physical abuse.

New U2 Review For You

*extends arm forward, palm down, fingers spread, tilts hand left, then right, repeats*

It's fine. It's alright. It's about 20x better than my Thanksgiving break. I felt a slight bit disappointed after my first couple listens to "All You Can't Leave Behind", too, and it grew on me. We'll see if this album is the same way.

Favorite tracks thus far:

#4 - "Love and Peace or Else" - I shuddered when I saw the title. Then I threw up. Then I saw my puke and threw up again. Then some splattered on my shoe and I screamed in agony. Then I threw the awful shoe as hard as I could down the sidewalk. It landed on a toddler, but the kid was O.K., just a little bump, and the cycle of pain and anguish was broken. So, yeah - the song is pretty good. Kind of reminds me of their BB King collaboration "When Love Comes to Town". No BB King this time around, though - he and his stupid diabetes are nowhere to be found.

#6 - "All Because of You" - Very solid track, save for the unbearable shriek of feedback The Edge inserts before the song begins in earnest. (What if the song began IN Earnest? How would that even happen? What a mindjob!) Hey, The Edge - no need to shock us with the sudden swell! Who do you think you are, Austrian composer Franz Joseph Haydn? Is this "All Because of You" or the infamous "Surprise Symphony"?

Superhunks - Jake Gyllenhaal

How the Superhunks Stole Your High School Girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

"I remember back when I would have to look this up in the huge card catalog," your girlfriend thought as she walked toward the public library's bank of computer terminals. She prayed that she would find the book she needed quickly; the downtown library always made her uncomfortable - too big, too confusing, too sad - the city's homeless were often forced inside during periods of inhospitable weather.

She sat before an available station and began her search. She grew tired of her research subject and allowed herself to relax. Across the table and to her right sat Jake Gyllenhaal. Their eyes met as he looked up from his leather-bound journal.

Your girlfriend quickly looked away - her head swung left, only to find a group of homeless gentlemen playing cards at the corner table. Rattled, she turned away, only to once again meet the calm stare of Jake Gyllenhaal. She looked down at her keyboard. After a moment, she heard a muffled chuckle.

"C'mon, don't make fun of me," your girlfriend pleaded softly, eyes still focused on the home row.

"No. It's just...I used to get nervous, too," Jake offered. "Homeless people would kind of freak me out - I didn't really know how to act around them."

"How did you get over it?"

"You just adapt," he whispered. "You just get used to it."

"God. I don't think I ever will."

"Sure you will...and I'll help you, if you want."

Your girlfriend looked up and their eyes locked for the third time. Jake was hunched forward in his chair, italic. Your girlfriend smiled. She leaned toward him, Hebrew italic.

"I want."

Pride (In the Name of Glove)

This would be what I would title a post if I were to write about Doug Mientkiewicz' demotion from starter to defensive replacement.

Back Under the Covers

The Lawrence Journal-World's music critic had so much to say about A Perfect Circle's "Imagine" cover that he devoted an entire column to it last week. You might say we have differing opinions on the subject. So this is what it feels like to have a nemesis.

And as if "Imagine" isn't bad enough, even more iconic songs are being rehashed. Paul e-mailed me news regarding the latest travesty - he heard a butchered version of "In The Air Tonight" on the radio:

yeah, i'm not sure who it is. all i know is that the song was on a station similar to 93x in minneapolis. so, yes, it is a hard rock version of it, which makes it even worse. as much as i love hard rock and phil, they should never be paired. my guess is that it's some band like alien ant farm who butchered "smooth criminal" and then fell off the face of the planet. we can only hope this band follows suit.

More research than I'd care to admit revealed the source was a band named Nonpoint. The cover is among the tracks on their album "Recoil", and you can hear a clip at amazon. Before you listen, make sure you have a good internet connection, the latest version of Media Player, and plenty of gauze handy for when your ears begin to bleed.

And, as you ask your God how this could have happened, take a gander at the various groups that have covered "In the Air Tonight" before this latest instance. This is at least the seventh attempt to cover it! SEVEN!! That's like a new version every other year since its original release!

So I guess if New Year's 2006 rolls around and you think to yourself, "I could really use a jazzed up version of 'In the Air Tonight' right about now," you may be in luck.