The Wedding Party

There are a few things you should probably know before looking at the bachelor party / wedding photos.

First, many of the photos were snapped when either myself or a companion was under the influence of demon liquor.


Second, many of the subjects in said photos were also under the influence of demon liquor.


Third, you may see that many of us were wearing the same shirt during the bachelor party; Shawn designed them.


Fourth, the wedding was held in a Christian church that also housed a school. The groom and his pals were sequestered in the preschool classroom until the ceremony began.


I guess that's enough to prepare you for all of the photos. Enjoy.

Damn You, Paparrazo!

Photographers are following me. Again.


I was going to circle myself, but I think it might be more "fun" for you to spot me, a la "Where's Waldo?". Hint: I'm wearing the McSweeney's T-shirt that I bought when I visited S.F. with Nathan and Julie.

I like to think I'm the focus of the photo, and therefore the focus of the story, and therefore the focus of the city.

Hearty Har Hars

Last night I was pleased to spend an evening with Michaels Ian Black and Showalter. Mikey Sho opened the night with a tale of gambling, some reclassified iTunes ("I file my Sheryl Crow songs under Cat Power."), and a few slides. Want to see a blurry picture? Okay!



Michael Ian Black took the stage donning a hunter's hoodie, which was later removed. ("Now you're going to see that I dressed like Kurt Cobain circa 1993 today.") Want to see a blurry picture? Okay!



Toward the final third of his set, it was revealed that an eight year old child, Rocky, had been brought to the show. Black was flustered, as he had just run through some graphic material. In fact, he had just finished explaining how he was going to turn a young man's asshole into hamburger via fucking. Want to see a really blurry picture of Michael with the young man? Okay!



The two giants briefly stood alongside each other, mocking each other's jokes, before Mr. Black closed the show alone.



Many, many laughs. It met all of my expectations. Very good times.

That Lasagna Betrayed Me

(Interior - Paisano's Italian Restaurant. FOUR DOZEN YOUNG WORKERS, all dressed cleanly, stand behind a podium near the front entrance.)

FOUR DOZEN YOUNG WORKERS: (look at each other, murmur for ten seconds)

FOUR DOZEN YOUNG WORKERS: (stare blankly)

ONE YOUNG WORKER: How many?

DAN: Two.

(ONE YOUNG WORKER escorts DAN and JESSICA to a booth. The booth is located at a supernatural position that both attracts the most foot traffic from staff and noise from patrons. JESSICA sits on the north side, while DAN sits on the south side. BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS stands just to the east.)

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: What can I get you to drink?

JESSICA: Water.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Would you like a lemon with that?

JESSICA: Yes.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Hm?

JESSICA: Yes.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Mm.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: And you?

DAN: Water, without a lemon.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Hm?

DAN: No lemon for me.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Mm.

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS leaves.)

DAN (tosses menu down to the table): I don't even know why I'm looking at this.

JESSICA: (makes a face)

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS returns with the drinks)

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: I'll go get you some salad and breadsticks. Do you want another minute to look at the menu?

JESSICA: We're ready.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Gah meh uh gah mah

JESSICA (assumes): I'll have the lasagna.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (blinks)

DAN: I will also have the lasagna.

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS stumbles away. JESSICA and DAN sip their drinks.)

DAN: Good thing you got that lemon, or we'd be having exactly the same thing.

JESSICA: (makes a face)

(DAN and JESSICA observe ONE GIANT TABLE FULL OF KIDS AND ADULTS make a bunch of noise. TWO OLD PENSIONERS also are close by, ordering dessert. JESSICA stares at another table.)

JESSICA: I can hear everything that woman says. I wonder if she can hear everything that I say.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Do you want fresh asiago cheese on your salad?

JESSICA: No.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (makes a face like, "This decision has stunned me.")

DAN: (makes a face like, "Yeah, you heard the lady - no cheese.")

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS leaves. DAN tries to explain why he doesn't like olives, as he uses his left hand

(note: DAN is right-handed)

to pile a few of the salad's black olives on JESSICA's plate, and the remainder at one point in the east portion of the salad bowl. Some eating occurs.)

JESSICA: (can only hear the loud woman to the southeast)

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS brings the lasagna to the table. Baked in its own special dish, the browned cheese over the layers of cheese and noodles and cheese and sausage bubbles. A band of hillbillies is seated directly to the south of DAN and JESSICA.)

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Would you like some fresh asiago cheese grated on to your lasagna?

JESSICA: No.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (makes a face that says, "My faith in God has been shaken once more.")

DAN: I feel silly eating with this three-pronged fork.

JESSICA: You should be using the four-pronged fork.

DAN: I received two three-pronged forks.

JESSICA: Do you want to use my four-pronged fork?

DAN: Then you would have to use my three-pronged fork.

LOUD WOMAN: (says something stupid, loudly)

HILLBILLY LEADER: That's the thing about Mount Rushmore! Mount Rushmore Rushmore Mount Rushmore!

DAN: It is good, but there is too much sausage.

JESSICA: There is so much cheese.

HILLBILLY LEADER: And the man repelled down Thomas Jefferson's nose!

LOUD WOMAN: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (sits down in middle of floor, hits own head with a shoe)

(DAN and JESSICA cannot stomach any more lasagna, which is good, but very cheesy, and very filling.)

JESSICA: (makes a face)

DAN: Do you want to split a breadstick? (tears breadstick)

DAN: Do you want the crispy part or the other part?

JESSICA: I don't care.

(DAN hands JESSICA one half of one breadstick.)

JESSICA: What part did I get?

DAN: The fluffy part.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Do you want a box?

JESSICA: No.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Are you sure?

DAN: I never want to be reminded of this lasagna. Ever.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (walks into a wall)

(Exterior - parking lot.)

DAN: You're still against me opening your door, right?

JESSICA: It is not necessary.

48 Hours Left

Micheal Ian Black:

Jim picked me up at Grand Central Station for the drive to B’More. He was two hours late. On the train ride into the city I watched “The Forty Year Old Virgin” starring Steve Carrell. That dude is SUCH A LOSER!!! Imagine being forty and never dipping your candle. I would be like, “MY NADS ARE GONNA EXPLODE!!!” Needless to say, I thought the movie had a lot of genuine warmth and heart.

Unbreakable

I like it when I find scratches on my body that I didn't notice at the time of injury.

It makes me feel indestructible.

Dueling Michaels

Reading this tour update has made me very excited for the Lawrence stop. If I was able to pee my pants, I would:

I question Showalter’s assertion that “sea legs” is a lumberjacking term. I actually think it’s a seafaring term, referring to the fact that on long sea voyages, sailors often used to eat their own legs to fight scurvy.


ps - I pee out of my big toes.

Must See TV

It's Thursday night. I love Thursday night, because my reason for living, The Office, is on at 7:30.

Afterward, I get to play a fun game, "Let's see how long I can stand to watch Grey's Anatomy". Tonight, I lasted eight minutes.

Asterisk: five of those minutes were viewed without sound.

Mostly Sunny

I planted wheat this weekend. On Saturday, the sun went behind the clouds once. On Sunday, the sun went behind the clouds three times. The total length of time during which my part of the earth was shaded was approximately three minutes.

Nathan has postulated that my time farming contributed to my knowledge of music, and he's probably right. Even when there is no radio involved, a lot of songs come into and out of one's head while you slowly drive around a field in circles. The most annoying song in my head this weekend came Sunday, in the form of "Kickstart My Heart". The first time Vince Neil goes through his "I'd say we've kicked some ass," rant, it's funny, and maybe even a little charming. But a dozen cycles later, "And to think we did all of this to ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCKKKK!" just sounds pathetic.