That Lasagna Betrayed Me

(Interior - Paisano's Italian Restaurant. FOUR DOZEN YOUNG WORKERS, all dressed cleanly, stand behind a podium near the front entrance.)

FOUR DOZEN YOUNG WORKERS: (look at each other, murmur for ten seconds)

FOUR DOZEN YOUNG WORKERS: (stare blankly)

ONE YOUNG WORKER: How many?

DAN: Two.

(ONE YOUNG WORKER escorts DAN and JESSICA to a booth. The booth is located at a supernatural position that both attracts the most foot traffic from staff and noise from patrons. JESSICA sits on the north side, while DAN sits on the south side. BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS stands just to the east.)

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: What can I get you to drink?

JESSICA: Water.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Would you like a lemon with that?

JESSICA: Yes.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Hm?

JESSICA: Yes.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Mm.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: And you?

DAN: Water, without a lemon.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Hm?

DAN: No lemon for me.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Mm.

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS leaves.)

DAN (tosses menu down to the table): I don't even know why I'm looking at this.

JESSICA: (makes a face)

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS returns with the drinks)

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: I'll go get you some salad and breadsticks. Do you want another minute to look at the menu?

JESSICA: We're ready.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Gah meh uh gah mah

JESSICA (assumes): I'll have the lasagna.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (blinks)

DAN: I will also have the lasagna.

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS stumbles away. JESSICA and DAN sip their drinks.)

DAN: Good thing you got that lemon, or we'd be having exactly the same thing.

JESSICA: (makes a face)

(DAN and JESSICA observe ONE GIANT TABLE FULL OF KIDS AND ADULTS make a bunch of noise. TWO OLD PENSIONERS also are close by, ordering dessert. JESSICA stares at another table.)

JESSICA: I can hear everything that woman says. I wonder if she can hear everything that I say.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Do you want fresh asiago cheese on your salad?

JESSICA: No.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (makes a face like, "This decision has stunned me.")

DAN: (makes a face like, "Yeah, you heard the lady - no cheese.")

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS leaves. DAN tries to explain why he doesn't like olives, as he uses his left hand

(note: DAN is right-handed)

to pile a few of the salad's black olives on JESSICA's plate, and the remainder at one point in the east portion of the salad bowl. Some eating occurs.)

JESSICA: (can only hear the loud woman to the southeast)

(BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS brings the lasagna to the table. Baked in its own special dish, the browned cheese over the layers of cheese and noodles and cheese and sausage bubbles. A band of hillbillies is seated directly to the south of DAN and JESSICA.)

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Would you like some fresh asiago cheese grated on to your lasagna?

JESSICA: No.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (makes a face that says, "My faith in God has been shaken once more.")

DAN: I feel silly eating with this three-pronged fork.

JESSICA: You should be using the four-pronged fork.

DAN: I received two three-pronged forks.

JESSICA: Do you want to use my four-pronged fork?

DAN: Then you would have to use my three-pronged fork.

LOUD WOMAN: (says something stupid, loudly)

HILLBILLY LEADER: That's the thing about Mount Rushmore! Mount Rushmore Rushmore Mount Rushmore!

DAN: It is good, but there is too much sausage.

JESSICA: There is so much cheese.

HILLBILLY LEADER: And the man repelled down Thomas Jefferson's nose!

LOUD WOMAN: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (sits down in middle of floor, hits own head with a shoe)

(DAN and JESSICA cannot stomach any more lasagna, which is good, but very cheesy, and very filling.)

JESSICA: (makes a face)

DAN: Do you want to split a breadstick? (tears breadstick)

DAN: Do you want the crispy part or the other part?

JESSICA: I don't care.

(DAN hands JESSICA one half of one breadstick.)

JESSICA: What part did I get?

DAN: The fluffy part.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Do you want a box?

JESSICA: No.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: Are you sure?

DAN: I never want to be reminded of this lasagna. Ever.

BIG AWKWARD WAITER WITH BIG LIPS: (walks into a wall)

(Exterior - parking lot.)

DAN: You're still against me opening your door, right?

JESSICA: It is not necessary.