Tornado Slide's Hot 9

Yesterday, I noted several poor selections in Maxim's "Hot 100" list. Today, I highlight a few women that were not included on that list, as a way of pointing out the obvious, inherent problems magazines ignore when compiling such rankings.

Before we begin, I'd just like to point out...

...How easy it was to find ridiculously attractive women that were excluded from Maxim's list. I thought it might be hard -- I was a little concerned that I would be trying to tackle a problem too big for tonight's spare time -- but I was wrong. There's a metric shit ton of attractive, famous women out there, ready for the choosing.

...Maxim nailed one selection I assumed they had missed: Kristen Bell of Veronica Mars.

...the requirements for making my list were: A.> Rather famous, B.> Not jailbait, C.> Somewhat classy, and D.> "The Fergie Factor", i.e. "One assumes that this female, unlike Fergie, is free of infectious disease". And, as I mentioned above, these women were excluded from Maxim's list.

#9: Charlize Theron

(Excluded Peers: Catherine Zeta Jones, Rachel Weisz)

Here's the thing -- a woman can't be considered one of the hottest women on the planet and then, 4 short years later, NOT be placed in this top tier, even if they look exactly the same. Granted, Rachel Weisz was super pregnant a few Oscars ago, and that might have freaked us out, and Zeta Jones has popped out a few kids with Michael Douglas, and that definitely freaked us out, but these women look the same! You can drop them a few points, but you can't just exclude them, right?

#8: Naomi Watts

(Excluded Peers: Kate Winslet, Lauren Graham)

Naomi personifies a group of women that aren't quite mind-consumingly hot. They're just hot. And, apparently, they're usually foreign.

#7: Norah Jones

(Excluded Peer: Lisa Loeb)

Maxim included Hilary Duff and Mandy Moore -- fair enough. But Ashlee Simpson and Avril Lavigne? There's no way they compare to Norah -- she comes from the seed of the world's greatest sitar player! That's top notch stuff!

#6: Norah Jones wearing a wig and playing rock music

(Excluded Peer: Fiona Apple)

Yeah, she wore a wig once. I don't really have a comment here, except that if Norah tickling a piano is nice, then Norah slamming a riff is twice as nice.

#5: Winona Ryder

(Excluded Peers: Kirsten Dunst)

Until Winona Ryder falls into a vat of bubbling acid, shouldn't there be a rule that she's in these kind of lists? Same thing goes for Dunst, only she's out once her perfect breasts start to sag. Swing low, sweet chariot.

#4: Rachel McAdams

(Excluded Peers: Rosario Dawson, Elizabeth Banks)

Wasn't Rachel McAdams THE Hollywood "It Girl" as recently as 12 months ago? Wha happened? The Family Stone?

#3: Amy Adams

(Excluded Peers: Rashida Jones, Jenna Fischer)

These Office alums are all pretty hot, which makes the Scranton branch roughly 400 billion times more attractive than my own workplace.

#2: Zooey Deschenel

(Excluded Peers: Alexis Bledel, Christina Ricci)

I guess you'd call this group "unique-looking women with dark hair", which just happens to be my thing. Case in point...

#1: Natalie Portman

Seriously? Really? For true? You've got a list of 100 hot women, and Natalie Portman doesn't make the cut? I once turned down an imaginary BJ from Scarlett Johanssen for the same chance with Natalie Portman; as a result, Mr. Jack Serpentine called me a fag. Whatever. I love you, Natalie, and I will avenge you.