ITEMS ORDERED FROM KEN'S ARTISAN BAKERY
Pure butter croissant
Black tea (his)
Hot chocolate (hers)
WHEN THE MOUTH BURNS AND THE MIND RACES
I just wanted a little sip of this Indian tea but I couldn't quite measure what a sip was because of the lid on the cup and now I've got a mouthful of scalding tea in my mouth and it's so fucking hot hot fuck fuck fuck fuck this is going to be bad but I can't just spit it out because I'm out here at the sidewalk tables and that guy over there is looking at me and he'll judge me because he'll know I'm not a local and he'll think I'm the kind of person that spits shit out all over the sidewalk for no good reason and his dog might think the same thing oh fuck fuck fuck I'll just swallow it and hope my esophagus doesn't melt.
PRETTY SIGHTS ALONG THE HISTORIC COLUMBIA RIVER HIGHWAY
Portland Women's Forum State Park
Crown Point State Park
The young female sporting punk-lite touches to the standard park ranger uniform working at Crown Point State Park
Trees to the right of the highway
Trees to the left of the highway
(Additional locations to be mentioned below)
MY ARGUMENT FOR NOT STOPPING TO VIEW THE SMALLER WATERFALL
"Latourell Falls is going to look like a big dump compared to Multnomah Falls."
AFTER RECOGNIZING SHE MAY HAVE INTERPRETED THE WORD "DUMP" TO MEAN "LANDFILL"
He decided not to clarify that he intended "dump" to be a scatological reference.
BEGINNING THE HIKE TO THE TOP OF MULTNOMAH FALLS
Woman also visiting that day: "Are more benches like this one along the way?"
Me: "I haven't been here before, but I assume so."
Woman: "My husband will need to stop along the way to rest."
Woman: "So you think there will be benches to stop at?"
Me: "I really can't say."
Woman: "We just want to go as far as the footbridge."
IMAGINGED LECTURE GIVEN TO THE OREGONIAN SCHOOLCHILDREN AT MULTNOMAH FALLS
You're on a field trip today, huh kids? Yeah? School's still in session, but at least you got out of the ol' classroom today, right? Cool. Well, let me tell you kids a little story.
When I was your age, my class was all set to go on a field trip to collect fossils! I was really excited, because I'd always loved learning about dinosaurs, and I like to, uh, dig and shit, so I was pumped. The big day finally came, and mean old Mother Nature decided to make it rain -- field trip cancelled! Teacher said that we'd reschedule, but we never did. I was really sad.
Luckily, a short three years later, a field trip to somewhere other than the oft-visited Kansas Cosmosphere was planned, and this time, it didn't rain! My class went with the eighth graders down to Oklahoma, to explore a cave and the salt flats.
Have you ever been in a cave? It's kind of neat, I guess -- it's tough to rave about a place when the highlight of your visit is experiencing total darkness.
Have you ever been to a salt flat? No? Well, it's a lot like being in an Egyptian desert, except instead of seeing pyramids and camels, you dig around for salt crystals. It's dirty work, and hot, and once you've found one crystal... well, there's not much point in finding your second crystal. Do you know what a crystal is, kids? I fear I'm giving you the impression that a crystal might be like a crystal ball, which is full of fun and witchcraft. A crystal is really just a technical term for a rock.
We went to Oklahoma -- it took half a day on a hot bus to get there, by the way -- to look at rock formations, both within a cave and on an arid plain. Shit, man, have you ever seen pictures of Oklahoma? Well, here's a photo from the salt flat.
I guess what I'm trying to say, kiddos, is fuck off, because this waterfall is about seventy times seven times more beautiful than any of my childhood field trip destinations.
Spoiled little bastards.
STARING DOWN FROM ATOP MULTNOMAH FALLS
Him: "If you had known what it was like up here, would you have made the hike?"
Him: "...I guess I'll take another picture."
VISITOR INFORMATION AND EXPECTATION TEMPERING
Woman: "How do I get to The Bridge of the Gods?"
Visitor Info Guy: "It's really just a bridge..."*
*Denotes the same phrase that one of our hosts used to describe the bridge.
ITEMS ORDERED FROM THE BIG RIVER GRILL AFTER CROSSING SAID BRIDGE INTO WASHINGTON
Salmon chowder* in a breadbowl (his)
Salmon sandwich w/ chowder* and one raspberry beer (hers)
Q: BETTER TO WATCH: HOOD RIVER WINDSURFERS, OR HOOD RIVER KITESURFERS?
A: KITES IN A LANDSLIDE
Q: WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE USE THE KITES? IT LOOKS WAY MORE FUN.
A: PRICE? SKILL? RESEARCH NEEDED. REMEMBER TO ASK JEEVES.
WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE ON A MOUNT HOOD, WITHOUT SKIS, AND YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE LODGE THEY USED FOR EXTERIOR SHOTS IN "THE SHINING" BECAUSE THERE'S A GIGANTIC WEDDING PARTY BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE
"Let's walk up past those trees and take a picture."
THINGS LEARNED ON THE WAY TO THE SHANGHAI TUNNELS
There's a remix of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", wherein the featured rapper (Lil' Mama) references that chick that won an Oscar for her work in "Dreamgirls" for some reason.
My travel companion sometimes becomes hysterical with laughter and tears when frustrated, such as when she attempts to parallel park.
Women hate being waited on by female staff.
Couch Street is pronounced "Kooch".
THINGS I LEARNED INSIDE THE SHANGHAI TUNNELS
In olden times, urinal troughs would run the length of the bar, saving patrons time and effort.
Consumption of embalming fluid is far more common than one would assume.
The guy in the karaoke bar above us trying to pull of Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" picked a song much too difficult for himself.
Other intellectual property I pledged not to disclose.
HEY, IT'S LATE
Hawaiian pizza* at the Silver Dollar Saloon. We're tired, so we don't bother talking much. She hates this female bartender**, too.
**The bartender made it clear that she was NOT a server, even though she took our order and delivered our pizza.