Read What I Read

Michael Ian Black attempts to determine if, given an infinite amount of time, monkeys could type Shakespeare:

I tiptoed into the lab and looked at what they writing. It certainly looked like “Hamlet.” Upon closer examination, however, I realized that what I was reading was not “Hamlet,” at all, but the second act of “Your Five Gallants,” by the lesser Elizabethan playwright, Thomas Middleton. So frustrating!!! I yell at the chimps to get back to work.

The Onion continues to impress:

Onlookers stated that, upon being woken up from his drunken stupor, the still-inebriated Kilborn asked to be shown to his "regular dressing room." The gangly, 6'5" former anchor then eluded security for long enough to stumble down the studio halls and blurt out random catchphrases from his broadcasting days at SportsCenter, including but not limited to "Gettin' giddy in the zone," "If it feels good, do it," and "The low angle spank!"

"Craiggers is back, people," said Kilborn, whose signature gelled blond hair was described in a later police report as dank and lice-ridden. "Nothing to be afraid of, folks. This is just Kilby simply being Kilby. Release. Rotation. Splash."

The book Matt claims "doesn't entirely suck ass":

Herded out of the subway and into the harried steam of suited men and women that flowed along the early morning canyons of the business district, Julius held himself upright and strove to maneuver with his usual grace.

Shawn sends an important text message:

The TV Guide description of "Big & Hairy", a Hallmark Channel original: "A sasquatch joins a youth basketball team. Awesome.