Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lust For Lifetime

When I first saw the commercials for "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist", I recognized one of the actresses, but couldn't place her. IMDB revealed that she was naked in "Broken Flowers", but that wasn't the movie I was thinking of. Turns out I remembered her from "She's Too Young" (Tagline: "To fit in, you've gotta put out."), a Lifetime Original Movie (starring Marcia Gay Harden!). An outbreak of syphilis forces students and parents to examine why kids shouldn't bone all willy-nilly. There was a scene where the school nurse mistakenly calls syphilis a virus. Great flick.

That Lifetime DVD cover image is pretty small, so here's the nude scene. You know, just so you know what actress I'm talking about.

Alexis Dziena in Broken Flowers - Funny bloopers are a click away

Anyways, this week, I bit on the trailer for "Twilight", the upcoming smash based on novels about teenage vampires that aren't really teens, but look like teens, and they're pale and gross, but terrified looking chicks want to bone them anyway.

Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer

Deja vu, kids -- where did I recognize that actress from? Why, "Speak", of course! "Speak" was another Lifetime movie (starring Steve Zahn! As the understanding, hip art teacher!), much less hilarious than the aforementioned film, because it was about non-consensual sex that didn't result in syphilis.

Finally, let me again point to's brilliant summation of the Twilight trailer. ("Again" because I've already pointed to it via my shared items site, which you should have bookmarked by now.)
...if you're like me, you don't entirely understand the Twilight phenomenon. In fact, you might not care about it at all. Here are a few reasons why.

1. You are an adult.

I think that's mostly it. Although that reason breaks down into some more specific sub-reasons.

1. As an adult, you recognize that vampires do not exist. At all. Not like 'they probably don't exist, but I'm still keeping garlic in my locker because I'm going to be a junior next year.'

2. As an adult, you are interested in adult relationships between human beings that have meaning and resonance in your own life and are not based on mythical creatures that can stop mini-vans with their bare hands and make you stand up in some tree after barely escaping the ragball game with your life.

3. As an adult, you understand the realities of sexual intercourse, and as such you find metaphors about the power and tension and adultness of sexual intercourse to have very little to do with the actual act and sometimes those metaphors make you embarrassed for the things you used to think and feel when you thought about sex but didn't really know what you were thinking about.

4. As an adult, you are unaware of Twilight because Twilight is a book for children, and maybe you finally caved in on the whole Harry Potter thing but at this point it's getting ridiculous and maybe it's time for adults to start reading books written for adults again, like, hey, Bob Woodward and Thomas Friedman both have new books out about the inner workings of our government and the ecological ramifications of our global economy that are way scarier than some pubescent vampire who's waited 400 years to kiss some mousy girl up in some tree after barely escaping the ragball game with their lives (and unlives).

Probably. Those are just guesses as to why you might not care about Twilight.


Anonymous said...

A couple of things:
1. Why are you watching so much Lifetime?
2. Vaguely reminds of The Lost Boys of which I will gladly still watch - Coreys and all.
3. Correction: Have read Woodwards Bush Trilogy - Bush at War, Plan of Attack, State of Denial. Include vampires.


Jenny said...

Antique malls, Lifetime... what's next, Dan? Mani/pedis and cosmos with your girlfriends?

dn said...

I stopped drinking cosmos a long time ago. Chocotinis are far better.

Cara said...

you've moved on from cosmos, but not yet lifetime? (she says while ironically watching Lifetime)