There Goes My Hero

I am speechless. Found via Thighs Wide Shut:

Man peed way out of avalanche

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

I Swear

I did some laundry yesterday, and I forgot to take the second load out of the dryer. When I noticed my delay, I heard

FUCK! THE LAUNDRY!

echo in my head. Why is that? When exactly did I decide such emotion was deserved in response to such a small issue? Shouldn't my inner monologue have been something like

oh yeah I need to take those clothes out of the dryer and fold them

instead, reserving the fuck!s for when I get kicked in the balls?

Office Decor Revisited

The co-worker I hate posted this witty image outside of her cubicle. Isn't it hilarious? Isn't it funny to examine male stereotypes like this? Aren't men silly? Wouldn't it be equally funny for me to post something like this outside of my cubicle? You know, something that explores a female's fascination with shoes? OMG! I'm laughing already!

R.I.P. R.O.C.K.

I keep seeing articles like this one, alerting the world that the drummer from Traffic is dead. In the past month or so, I've read about the passing of Jefferson Airplane's drummer and a Bread guitarist.

Is this really newsworthy? What will be the future equivalent for these stories? When I'm 55 years old, sipping coffee, eating half a grapefruit, what headline will I see? Maroon 5 Keyboardist Dead of Stomach Cancer? Long Time Usher Producer Killed in Hoverboard Accident?

The Other Archives - No Pepper

Below is the censored text of an e-mail from my friend. I believe it's well over a year old; nevertheless, it is a stunning account of the hidden life of produce:

The things I go through so that rich people can enjoy their nachos. This is not the best story in the world, but it kind of gives insight into what kind of shit can ruin my day in a hurry.

One of our biggest and best accounts, [company name deleted] of [city name deleted] supplies all the food for [football stadium A]. [company name deleted] is a very important customer, being that they buy about $32,000 worth of produce, 3 times a week. No small number by any means, so when they say "jump," [company name deleted] says "how fucking high bitch?"

Well, before the season, [football stadium A]'s luxury box chef decides what his nachos need are not only green jalapeno peppers, but also, red jalapeno peppers. Unfortunately, after sampling the red jalapeno peppers, he decides they are not pretty enough. We at [company name deleted] are always eager to help a customer in need, decide what he is looking for is a red Fresno pepper. A Fresno is similar to a jalapeno in size and shape, but has a more mild flavor, smaller seeds, and thinner outside wall. It also carries a consistent, deep red color throughout the pepper, (much better than the red jalapeno, which is often streaky, or more orange in color). Unfortunately, Fresnos are readily available in good supply during the summer months, September not being a summer month, they are extremely difficult to find. Today, of course is the day that [company name deleted] decides to order 300lbs of these fucking things, with no notice what so ever. They have to be produced by 9:00PM when the truck leaves for [city name deleted]. The order hits our fax at 10:00AM central time. I hit the phones to make a token effort to find these things, knowing full well that no one in [city name deleted] carries these things. When I get told no about 7 times, I have our customer service guy call the big boss, who is out of town on business. The boss says, "Under no circumstances will we short this order."

Nice. So this is how I solve the problem. I call every produce house, broker, and general food distributor in [city name deleted] to get these peppers. Everyone has 10lbs here, 20lbs here, 5 lbs here. So I'm thinking how the fuck do I get these up here by 5 so production has a chance to make them? I call in a favor with our tomato supplier, who owes me anyway, and have him send a guy around to like 5 places to get these dumb ass peppers, then run them to the airport, where Southwest has a flight out to [city name deleted] at 3:15PM, with an arrival time of 4:05PM. I then go to the airport, load all these bastards up, then haul them back to the plant to get the Mexicans to slice them up.

Yeah, we lost a shitload of money on that deal, but at least we didn't tell a customer no. Like I said boys, 6 months and we're going under. I will have the official numbers tomorrow when I see all the paperwork come in on this little deal.

Tracking Poll

I've always thought an album's best track was most likely to be #3. Corinne has noticed it's usually #7.

What do you think?

Things I Learned in the Past 36 Hours

*Dave Matthews will make his acting debut in a movie that I will not see. It is about a dog. I haven't checked to see if the dog relieves itself onto Chicago boat passengers or makes progressively worse albums.

*Euripides is the new Tupac. Please tell me someone gets this joke.

*Iron and Wine's Fever Dream is a shoo-in for inclusion on my next makeout mix CD. You can listen to a tiny part of it - probably still enough to get to 2nd base (the old school 2nd base, not the one these teens use nowadays) - at Amazon.

*The penis has sebacious/oil glands, just like anything else covered with skin, but because the penis is a unique fellow you can see the penis' glands. Little white bumps. Now, some of you may not find this interesting, but I do - what I find more interesting is that NO ONE EVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME THIS. You'd think with all of the STI education they'd throw in a "Oh, by the way, there are these little white bumps that are just oil glands. They're different from warts/etc. because they are smooth, not rough." Instead, I learn why girls can't go swimming. Thanks. That'll come in handy when I grow a vagina.

What else had no one told me about the penis? I did some internet research and found this little nugget. Huzzah!

One of my testicles hangs down further than the other. Is this normal? What causes it?
Yes it's normal. The right testicle hangs lower than the left. This is because the blood supply to the right testicle is different than the left. The testicle is suspended by a structure called the spermatic cord. This is like a rope or bungy cord. The spermatic cord contains the sperm duct, nerves, arteries and veins. The right spermatic vein attaches directly to the inferior venacava and at a level lower than the left spermatic vein attaches to the left renal vein. Hence the left side is held higher in the scrotum and the right side hangs lower.

WHY WAS I NOT TOLD??! HOW COULD THIS INFORMATION BE KEPT FROM ME??! HOW THIS BE KEPT FROM A MAN OF SCIENCE - A LOVELINE LISTENER FOR CHRISSAKE - FOR SO LONG??!

My outrage is offset by my optimism for the new generation (the one with the retooled 2nd base) and their internet research abilities.