And The Oscar Rant Goes To...

This year's Oscar broadcast included many annoyances. To my surprise, the shadowpuppet tumblers were not chief among them. That honor goes to the female voiceover that filled time between the announcement of each award and the acceptance speech, which provided one bit of trivia about each winner. When Martin Scorsese won his Oscar for Best Director, the voice cheered, "Martin Scorsese has described The Departed as the only film that he has directed that had an actual plot!" And as Michael Arndt stepped onstage to accept the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, the voice said, "In order to find time to complete the screenplay of Little Miss Sunshine, Michael had to quit his job as Matthew Broderick's personal assistant!"

I don't need or want a disembodied voice telling me useless facts about Hollywood's elite directors. What's more, this poor screenwriter doesn't need the whole goddamn world to hear about how he used to lower himself to serve Inspector Gadget's every beck and whim. "Yes, Mr. Broderick." "Right away, Mr. Broderick." "No, Mr. Broderick, I agree -- The Stepford Wives was totally underrated." "Can I get you more Perrier, Mr. Broderick?" "I don't think you wife looks equestrian at all, Mr. Broderick." It's the highlight of this guy's career, and he shouldn't be subjected to this kind of embarrassment.

I haven't read much commentary about the Oscars, but I did come across this tidbit on Monday, when I was reading about the upcoming NFL draft at Sports Illustrated's website. It's one Peter King's "non-football thoughts of the week":

How sad at the Oscars. The Departed kicked tail. I say that's bad because ... well, have you seen it? Did the gore bother you? The over-the-top, pandering, blood-gurgling murderous spree was too much for me. We must be inured to it by now, because the Academy voted Oscars not only for the movie but also for Martin Scorsese for making the flick. What's next, I wonder. A beheading in Times Square? Gouging someone's eyes out? So sad we seem to be in search of the next great gruesome thing in movies.

I was surprised by Mr. King's statements, but more surprised by the fact that he is a little fucking girl.

"Pandering"? To whom did the film pander to? People who love awesome shit? "Blood-gurgling"? One character gurgles a bit of blood, but that's because the dude was shot in the gut. That's the shit that goes down when you get shot in the gut, Mr. King. That's life, man. "Murderous spree"? How many people are killed in this movie? Ten? Twelve? Does that sound excessive to anyone, considering the movie is about THE FUCKING MOB??? Does anyone think that a make-believe portrayal of a dozen murders is equivalent to executing someone in Times Square? Oh, and memo to Petey King: we already have several movies in which characters have their eyes gouged out -- check out Kill Bill 2 sometime. That is, when you're free NOT COVERING OUR NATION'S MOST POPULAR VIOLENT SPORT.

Slam a cock!