Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Great Big Convoy

I know a lot about The Simpsons. If you were paying attention, you already knew that. The lady of the house is less obsessive about decades-old cartoons, which can lead to confusion. When I say "Abortions for some" while making breakfast, she can't place the reference. And when I'm excited about a 1978 Sam Peckinpah film on cable, I just say, "Simpsons" instead of explaining that the song on which the film is based is briefly mentioned in a television commercial inside the "Radio Bart" episode.

So, last Thursday, I shared my excitement with Jack Serpentine instead.

dn: Convoy is on Reelz channel. CONVOY!
js: Holy shit! I know what I'm doing the rest of the night. Oh man, it's starting. I love that it's based on a song.

dn: Kim is not happy about this.

js: She'll be even less happy about that redneck sheriff. Now Vanessa is bitching. Ladies don't understand cinema.

dn: I am fighting pretty hard. We just switched from The Office. It's my biggest triumph.

js: The casting is pretty much perfection.

(There is a huge barfight (okay, diner-fight) between the truckers and the redneck sheriff trying to extract bribes. The truckers win, and decide they'd better haul ass across the state line.)

dn: I feel the state line is underused in modern plotlines.

js: Agreed. Totally agreed. I demand a frame-by-frame remake of this classic. I just can't think of a lead. Certainly Don Cheadle for the black guy.

dn: Jeff Bridges. Duh.

js: Nailed it. V wants Dylan McDermott. Borgnine should reprise his role.

dn: Well, obviously. Or Tom Arnold if he passes. Tarantino directs.

js: Either Tarantino or Rodriguez. Or Michael Mann. Female lead is Zooey Deschanel, right?

dn: I vote Portman. She has a track record with short hair, and she can play "tough" way better.

js: I can buy that. Zooey is more pouty than tough. P.S. I think Al is now sucked in.

dn: Jack Black is the slob trucker, Pigpen.

js: Soundtrack remixed by RZA. Although there's not much soundtrack. Mostly police sirens and truck engine revving.

js: From Al: "Eating ramen, watching Convoy, living life."

(Kris Kristofferson, AKA Rubber Duck, AKA "The Duck", leaves the convoy. The crowd asks if he's coming back.)

dn: Whew. I was worried that The Duck wouldn't be a Christ metaphor.

js: Why's it always got to be the duck?

(The convoy arrives at a small Texas town, where they rev their engines a lot, then proceed to destroy every small building in the village as they retrieve the black trucker from his jail cell.)

dn: Movie trivia: filming many takes of this scene caused the hole in the ozone layer.

js: This movie melted four glaciers.

(The convoy has to stop, because kids buying treats from an ice cream truck are clogging the road.)

js: Goddamn kids stopped the convoy? You think The Duck is going to get out of this sticky situation?

dn: Are the kids a metaphor? I need to get the Criterion DVD to confirm.

(There is an absurd climax I will not spoil for you, because I know this has really piqued your interest. Ah, hell, I know you're not going to watch it. You probably didn't even watch the embedded video earlier, even though it's AMAZING, especially considering it's a film trailer that is ostensibly trying to explain the plot to a potential audience, yet it's just a mess! Shot after shot of trucks crashing into things, usually from a helicopter's point of view! Crazy!)

js: The Duck and the sheriff are really two sides of the same coin.

(There is an absurd resolution.)

js: Now I'm just confused.

dn: Convoy. Really makes you think.

js: Well, we did it. We watched Convoy.


Anonymous said...

What's the next movie we discuss via text message? I vote we stick with trucker films and do Smokey and the Bandit. You know damn well Hollywood is itching to remake that one. Our casting choices will be key.


dn said...

Paint Your Wagon

Anonymous said...

Reckon it could use a coat of paint.


Anonymous said...

By the way, IMDB encapsulates "Paint Your Wagon" thusly: "Two unlikely prospector partners share the same wife in a California gold rush mining town."

How have I not seen this?


Anonymous said...

Pretty strong meat there from Sam Peckinpah.