Squanto Speak

In fifth grade or so, I had to do an oral report after reading a book about Squanto, a famous Native American who helped the Plymouth pilgrims through their first winter and taught them the ways of maize cultivation. I wore a vest or put some feathers around my head or something, and stood in front of the class with an index card. I spoke in a racially insensitive, stereotypical, "How! Me Squanto!" type accent, explaining the story of the brave and benevolent Squanto. And I got overly confident and tossed my index card to the floor, and later had to pick it up. I remember saying, "Indian look cue card." It's okay, guys, it was a different time. We knew not what we did.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 6

floyd: hi

dn: hello

dn: how are you?

floyd: not bad

floyd: yourself?

dn: I'm glad we have a holiday tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving!

dn: you hate Thanksgiving food though

floyd: I don't hate it

floyd: just kind of meh

floyd: to most of it

floyd: turkey is no McRib

dn: the McRib could be made of turkey for all we know

floyd: there's probably some in there

floyd: somewhere

dn: you know what else if full of turkeys? THIS SHOW!

floyd: I'm trying really hard to think of a Thanksgiving joke

dn: John Wayne would say, "It's tough to do, Pilgrim."

dn: Pilgrim? Thanksgiving?

floyd: um ... eating turkey makes me feel like a zombie?

floyd: you know

floyd: because it makes you drowsy?

dn: i get it

floyd: I have 11 condoms left?

dn: I get jokes

dn: So episode 6

dn: last season was only 6 episodes long

dn: so such luck this year

dn: the episode begins with one of the farm ladies feeding the barn zombies

floyd: right

dn: fuck man

dn: can you believe I wrote that sentence?

dn: and that sentence refers to a show I watch every week?

floyd: and she breaks the leg of the one chicken, needlessly graphic, so that the zombies are attracted to the movement or something

floyd: I guess?

floyd: is that what happened?

dn: I assume it's so the zombies can catch it

dn: instead of the chicken running circles around them

floyd: well, chickens are notoriously more agile than woodchucks

floyd: or cows, I guess?

floyd: wouldn't the chicken eventually just get tired, though?

floyd: the zombies wouldn't swarm the chicken?

floyd: it just seemed needlessly cruel

floyd: I cared about 200 times more about that chicken than I do about Sophia, for example

floyd: Sophia is the missing girl

floyd: that's a bad sign

dn: I think they have probably tried NOT breaking the chickens' legs before

dn: trial and error has resulted in this method

floyd: ha

floyd: the zombies just eventually gave up

floyd: because zombies do that

floyd: they get bored and just give up sometimes

dn: who knows?

dn: maybe a healthy chicken pecked one of their eyes out

floyd: who cares?

dn: so at the end of this episode, we see a herd of cattle in the background

dn: and like you just pointed out

dn: zombies eat chickens and woodchucks

floyd: your catching that really made me laugh

dn: I guess barbed wire is doing the job for those cows

floyd: zombies are Hindu?

floyd: IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE

dn: haha

floyd: this show is just an Imperial British racist drama

floyd: it's all just an allegory

floyd: now I kind of want to write that screenplay

dn: it writes itself, really

floyd: "Everybody knows that the British brutally oppressed the Indians"

floyd: "What my show presupposes is ... maybe the Indians deserved it?"

floyd: -- pitch of The Walking Dead

dn: haha

dn: so this episode starts, and little Carl gets in trouble for stealing a handgun

floyd: haha

floyd: oh, Carl

floyd: what a Freudian mess that kid is

floyd: he gets shot, and then he wants to get closer to the gun

dn: and Grimes and Mrs Grimes argue about if they should teach the kid to shoot

dn: which should NOT EVEN BE AN ARGUMENT

floyd: actually, aren't they arguing over whether their small child should be able to carry a loaded gun around?

floyd: and Rick's totally for it

floyd: because Rick is somehow a worse parent than Lori

dn: I thought it was just teaching him how to shoot and whatnot

dn: since no one is supposed to be carrying guns

dn: per Hershel's orders

floyd: man, that rule just went by the wayside

floyd: Hershel is kind of a pushover

dn: so is Lori, because Rick wins and lil' Carl immediately starts shooting at empty bottles

dn: as do like 6 other people in this little gun class they start

dn: lots of bullets shot in this episode

floyd: bullets are virtually unlimited in the zombie apocalypse

floyd: contrary to popular belief, they do NOT become currency

floyd: or maybe that comes later

floyd: since the worst group of survivors ever is just wasting them left and right

floyd: shooting them at each other, even!

dn: next plot point: Short Round spills the beans about the barn zombies to old man Dale, so Dale confronts Hershel about it

dn: and Hershel explains that the barn zombies are his wife, etc, and he wants to keep them around

dn: in case a cure is found

dn: and feed them limping chickens

floyd: a cure for rotting corpses

dn: even though zombies don't need nourishment, I'm pretty sure

floyd: who knows what they need in this world

floyd: it hasn't been addressed much

floyd: if they do need nourishment, it doesn't seem to keep them from rotting

dn: yeah what's up with that?

dn: and I was thinking today about their clothes

dn: seems like zombies lose weight over time

dn: I'd like to see them shuffling around with pants around their ankles

floyd: haha

floyd: I'm sure you would, pervert

dn: it's a very specific fetish

dn: and I REFUSE to be silent or ashamed about it

floyd: this isn't an erotic zombie drama

floyd: God, is it not erotic

floyd: speaking of a total lack of eroticism, Shane and Andrea do it in a car

floyd: poll: More or less disgusting than when Shane banged Lori?

floyd: I say less

dn: probably less, because there is less camera time on the actual event

dn: post-apocalyptic sex in a Hyundai

dn: that's livin!

floyd: Hyundai? More like Fun-day!

floyd: I hate myself

dn: Finally for this episode, Lori asks Short Round to make another pharmacy run, and he brings back MORNING AFTER PILLS for the pregnancy she is weeks into

dn: to her credit, she does say she doesn't know if they will still work

floyd: only because she thinks they expire

floyd: like vodka

dn: and I guess she couldn't tell Glen to pick her up some Pennyroyal Tea or RU486

dn: or U571

floyd: or a coat hanger

dn: wait - was that my joke?

floyd: it was

dn: God, I'm the best

floyd: here's the thing

floyd: if Lori really wanted an abortion

floyd: which, by the way, is a terribly irresponsible thing to do in a zombie apocalypse, given that the human race has been almost completely wiped out

floyd: there's an animal doctor right inside that could probably help somehow

floyd: I mean, I get that she doesn't trust Hershel

floyd: but you know, taking abortion pills weeks after they're supposed to work seems like a pretty poor idea, too

dn: so glad she has this plotline

dn: love to see more camera time for Lori

dn: she's the best, and not at all a horrible skeleton bitch

floyd: yep, it's why I tune in

floyd: for normal life dramas set in a fantastic apocalyptic world

dn: anyway, she takes the pills then IMMEDIATELY vomits them back up

dn: instead of just taking ONE extra minute to make a decision

floyd: a real blow to the pro-choice movement

floyd: so does Rick catch her?

dn: and then Grimes finds out and they have a boring talk about it

floyd: right

floyd: well, it's pretty exciting, for this show

dn: and he's like, "Anything else?"

dn: "Well, I boned Shane."

floyd: and then he doesn't even really care that much

dn: "Oh. That's fine." 
floyd: see, that should have been the breaking point

floyd: Jesus, they have a chance for some real drama and they just defuse it by making Rick understanding

floyd: I mean, we'll see what happens, I guess

floyd: I guess ...

dn: we have to see what happens

dn: we're pretty committed to this bullshit

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 5

[After a week delay, we are still doing this. Hopefully we'll be caught up with the current episode (#6) by tomorrow night.]

floyd: hi

dn: heeeey

dn: it's the Tyler Palko era!

floyd: this is the worst chat room ever

dn: why?

floyd: it causes Chrome to crash

floyd: Chrome!

floyd: it keeps having connection errors

floyd: ok, maybe it's settled in now?

dn: so how about opening it with Explorer or Firefox

dn: or Netscape?

floyd: Explorer?

floyd: good one

floyd: ok, I think it's good to go

dn: like your mom

dn: Episode 5

dn: starts with a flashback

dn: people watch as Atlanta gets napalm dropped on it

floyd: which explains all the burned-out buildings we saw in the first season

dn: does napalm kill zombies?

dn: it would, right?

floyd: well, I imagine it would melt their brains

floyd: but that's the only way it would work

floyd: also, it seemed to have done a really shitty job

dn: haha. yeah

floyd: considering Atlanta was still crawling with zombies

floyd: sorry, WALKERS

dn: have they ever used the word "zombie" on this show?

floyd: not that I can remember

dn: huh

floyd: this show inhabits a world where the word zombie never existed

floyd: for some reason

dn: so this show is big on flashbacks

dn: but the one flashback I'd like to see

dn: is one involving Grimes and his wife

dn: i'd like to see why they got married

floyd: haha

dn: because she is always such a whiny sourpuss

floyd: I was just going to joke about that

floyd: yeah, she's not pleasant to be around

floyd: ever

floyd: has she even smiled yet in the entire show?

dn: maybe a flashback to them at a roller rink or something

dn: or seeing Gallagher smash a watermelon

dn: she'd laugh then!

floyd: doing blow off of a Duran Duran vinyl

floyd: Lori desperately scrambling around the house to flush the drugs

floyd: when the cops are arresting Ray Liot- I mean, Rick

dn: haha i get it

dn: so this episode focuses on the redneck

dn: he takes a horse and goes looking for the little girl

dn: and WHOOPS the redneck falls down a ravine

dn: the redneck is hurt badly. will he survive? will he make it back to the farmhouse?

dn: will we have to watch him nurse his injury for the next 4 weeks?

floyd: yeah, Daryl takes a horse without asking

floyd: Hershel's not pleased, but we've realized by now that Hershel is all bark and no bite

dn: Southern gentleman

floyd: and we find out that the horse was the nervous one

floyd: scared by a rattlesnake

floyd: this is one of the things that really bothered me

floyd: this is a show about zombies

dn: WALKERS

floyd: allegedly

floyd: why is there a rattlesnake scaring anything?

floyd: it really easily could have been a zombie

floyd: come on

dn: haha. yeah. or a skeleton

dn: or a snake squirming out of a zombie's skull

dn: but nope, just a snake chillin' on the ground

floyd: ANYTHING

floyd: other than what happened

floyd: what a bunch of crap

floyd: "well, we need Daryl to fall down for some reason. Any ideas, guys?"

floyd: ".... I got it!!"

floyd: "I bet you're going to say a zom-- "

floyd: "A rattlesnake could scare the horse!"

floyd: "right, that could work, good job Hugh"

floyd: because one of the writers is named Hugh

floyd: he went to Harvard

dn: haha

floyd: his father got him the job

dn: "The boys at the Lampoon will get a kick out of this!"

dn: finishing the storyline-

dn: he hallucinates from the pain of having an arrow in his side

dn: a WALKER wakes him up by ALMOST biting him

dn: so he shoots one with an arrow

floyd: ha, it was gnawing on his shoe

floyd: nothing's more terrifying than monsters so stupid that they go for your shoe rather than your neck when you're unconscious

dn: and kills another

dn: and then just kind of heals himself?

dn: through the power of "gettin' mean"?

floyd: adrenaline

dn: always a pet peeve of mine

dn: this guy fell down a cliff

dn: TWICE

dn: and has lost blood

dn: but he just cuts open a squirrel he shot earlier

dn: and eats some raw squirrel guts

dn: for a boost of energy

dn: PROBLEM SOLVED

floyd: he's a redneck Popeye

dn: haha exactly

dn: it's like when football coaches say their team isn't being tough enough

dn: "We just need to get tougher!"

floyd: it's like when football coaches get really racist for no good reason

floyd: "You know who wins if you die? The n*****s, that's who!"

dn: so he trudges back to the farmhouse

dn: and Andrea, the horrible blonde, is on WALKER watch

floyd: for some reason

dn: she spots him and a bunch of guys goes to see what's up

floyd: somebody finally let her get her hands on a gun

floyd: a sniper rifle, no less

floyd: and the guys are like "don't shoot, we got this"

dn: and she's like, "GIRL POWER!"

floyd: god she's terrible

dn: she tries to shoot the "Walker"

dn: with her first ever shot from a sniper rifle, and possibly any gun

floyd: but it's Daryl!

floyd: from like 100 yards, too

floyd: in direct disobedience of the armed men that were going to kill the single zombie

floyd: also, given the way this show has gone so far, and given what little Carl had surgery for, what, two days ago?

floyd: she goes ahead and takes the shot that easily could have hit one of the confirmed humans

floyd: this all makes sense, because this is something a person would do in this crazy situation, right?

dn: i noticed when I saw part of a rerun

dn: that she was also shooting into the sun

dn: which is partially why she didn't recognize it as the redneck

dn: and adds another degree of difficulty to the sniper shot

floyd: it's why she only nicked him

dn: still a hell of a shot, really

floyd: an incredible shot

floyd: an unnecessary, extremely dangerous and careless, incredible shot

floyd: really, doing something like this would get a person exiled among responsible humans

floyd: but with Andrea, they're just like "shake it off, we all make mistakes"

dn: if she left, there would only be 2 or 3 people left to constantly nag

dn: the other part of this episode worth mentioning

dn: so Short Round is on the porch when the farmer's daughter, Maggie, comes by

dn: and he says, "I still have 11 condoms left."

dn: pick up line of the decade?

floyd: haha

floyd: Glen sucks

floyd: worst comeback ever? "I don't even know if I like you yet"

floyd: "I'm sorry, did you hear I had 11 wedding rings? Because that's not what I said. I said I had 11 condoms. You know, for fucking."

dn: the worst part of that pick up line

dn: is that it worked, because she later slipped him a note

dn: asking where they should meet that night

dn: she chose to pass the note during dinner

dn: when everyone was in the same room

dn: rather than any other time, when it's easy to communicate secretly

floyd: these are decisions that rational people would make

floyd: not characters that exist solely as plot drivers

dn: as if to make your point, she waits until much later to read his written response

dn: "ever done it in a hayloft?"

floyd: just to recap

floyd: she passed him a note

floyd: during dinner

floyd: so important it couldn't wait

floyd: asking where he wanted to have secret, taboo sex again

floyd: that night!

floyd: and then she waits what appears to have been at least an hour to two to read the response

floyd: MAKES PERFECT SENSE

dn: so she RUNS to the barn

dn: only to see she's too late

dn: Glen has already discovered that WALKERS are kept in the barn

floyd: I realize we're almost done, but this part really, really bugged me

floyd: even though it wasn't surprising at all

floyd: I mean, we knew there was something going on at this weird farm, and it was pretty much directly alluded to when Hershel talked about how he thought he could cure the disease

floyd: but how the fuck are there like 20 zombies being kept in a barn that nobody can detect?

floyd: they don't smell?

dn: maybe the pile manure around the barn to mask the scent of undead flesh

floyd: they don't make noises, or start banging on the doors when they hear people running around shooting each other outside, or dragging zombies out of wells

floyd: I mean, crap, Lori alone has shrieked enough to get those zombies all riled up to start banging on the doors

floyd: like they do at the end of the episode

floyd: and where is this goddam little girl?

floyd: ugh, can they just find Sophia already???

dn: apparently not

dn: they're going to sit and tread water all season

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 4

floyd: hello

dn: hi

floyd: just so you know, Aerosmith's Amazing is just wrapping up on my Spotify

floyd: so I expect big things here

dn: EAT THE RICH

dn: man, what an album

floyd: GET A GRIP

floyd: yeah, they were pretty prescient

dn: you gotta have stones if you're livin in the city

dn: you wanna hang loose you gotta GET A GRIP

dn: did I get that right?

floyd: dude looks like a lady!!!

floyd: I think

dn: that seems about right for not hearing the title track for a dozen years

dn: we're off to a great start

dn: !

dn: this won't take long, since nothing happened in this episode. again

dn: there was ONE zombie

floyd: speaking of dudes that look like ladies, Glen gets laid in this episode

dn: Glen is the Asian guy's name?

dn: I thought it was Shortround

floyd: not sure

floyd: haha

floyd: what was the Asian kid's name in Goonies?

floyd: I assume it's the same actor

dn: or Temple of Doom or something

dn: "The boy known as Short Round was born on February 8, 1926 as Wan Li. Orphaned during the Japanese bombing of Shanghai in 1932, Li picked up his alias as a pickpocket on the streets of his home town and attempted to rob the man he would later refer to as Dr. Jones. "

dn: http://indianajones.wikia.com/wiki/Short...

dn: wait...

dn: the street urchins of Shanghai gave him the name Short Round?

dn: speaka the english over there?

floyd: Short Round means something different in Mandarin

dn: Right. OK. So.

dn: the episode

dn: there is some talk from Hershel, the vet who runs the farmhouse, about not carrying guns on the property

dn: I didn't understand it AT ALL

floyd: it made NO sense

floyd: particularly since there were already obviously guns

floyd: I mean, the fat guy was hunting with a rifle

floyd: Rick had a gun the whole time until he needlessly gave it to the hunter

floyd: Andrea apparently carries a gun around with her, despite the rest of the group not letting her have a gun

dn: "Well, we've managed not to turn this ol' farmhouse into an armed garrison, so let's keep doing that, even though an armed garrison would be more preferable by 1000x"

floyd: "barb wire was good enough for my 'pa, and it's good enough now"

dn: i guess they're simply setting us up for something

dn: in the next episode I'll bet

floyd: you think?

dn: they need a gun and oops there aren't any handy

floyd: except I like how easily Hershel later goes back on his hard rule

floyd: "well, since you said a few sentences, I guess I'll think about breaking my ONE RULE"

floyd: also, what kind of farm is this?

floyd: the one rule is "Don't touch my daughter"

floyd: oops, too late Hershel

dn: it's a rich people's farm

dn: they just have horses, so they're just rich folk who live in the country

dn: that's my take

floyd: who are somehow undetectable by zombies

dn: so while you bring up his daughter let's get into that plotline

dn: the daughter is like "We're running low on drugs so I'm heading to the pharmacy"

dn: and Grimes is like, "Take Short Round with you, because he's good at those missions."

floyd: ha

floyd: didn't somebody say something about him being good at getting into tight spaces?

floyd: I swear I heard that line

dn: he's good at SURPRISE ATTACKS

dn: "Asians are great at tunnels."

floyd: was the pharmacy run before or after the well?

dn: after

dn: so they are getting ready to hit the pharmacy, and Mrs Grimes tells Short Round he has to pick up something secret for her

dn: she writes him a secret note that he doesn't understand, and she says "look in the feminine hygiene section"

dn: cool note

floyd: haha

dn: he's gonna learn your secret in an hour - you sure you just don't want to tell him now?

floyd: and is she seriously asking for a brand name?

dn: i think so!

floyd: in a zombie apocalypse, generics still aren't good enough for bitchface Lori

dn: the power of advertising

dn: big pharma

floyd: what a cheap way to heighten suspense

floyd: just terrible

dn: yup! again.

dn: so fast forward, we're at the pharmacy

floyd: and the suspense could have been built even without Glen's confusion

floyd: she could have whispered something to him

dn: haha true!

floyd: he could have looked at her, kind of a "really?" or even a "wow" or "I understand"

dn: well, that took you two seconds to improve the script

floyd: and the audience would have still had the reveal when he picked it up in the feminine hygiene section

floyd: that was RIGHT NEXT to the hardware section

floyd: stole that from videogum, but too good not to bring up here

dn: it was a small mom & pop pharmacy - I'll allow it

floyd: Georgia is weird

dn: so FAST FORWARD

dn: no zombies so far, they begin to search for what they can bring back and use on the farm

floyd: all the zombies are still at the high school

floyd: just milling around

dn: instead of saying, "you take a look, I'll be on watch for the undead."

dn: "That mercilessly roam this countryside looking to murder us"

dn: and while farmer's daughter is looking around, he scrambles around the female section

dn: and discovers Mrs Grimes wanted A PREGNANCY TEST

floyd: the reveal!

dn: "whoa!" --nobody who's been paying attention to this show

dn: "wow!" --nobody who has a brain

dn: "brains!" --zombies

floyd: I'll be honest, I wasn't completely sure what it would be

floyd: mostly because I figured Glen would know what a pregnancy test was, and where to find it

floyd: I never thought that Lori would ask for a brand name

dn: I wish her note would have said "Noose. For hanging myself."

floyd: haha

floyd: cyanide

floyd: look in the feminine hygiene section

dn: haha

dn: maybe she needed the brand name because she's too dumb to interpret the generic brands

dn: "I need something that shows a picture of a baby after I pee on it"

floyd: after I audibly pee on it

floyd: nice scene, Walking Dead

dn: I wish it was an HBO show so they could have got REALLY GRAPHIC with it

floyd: I was thinking that about the sexy scene

dn: Also, the test was positive. for those of you who read this solely to catch up on what they missed

floyd: farmer's daughter is kind of cute, in a "well, it's the end of the world, I guess I'll fuck you" kind of way

dn: she is legitimately cute

floyd: "We can't be picky anymore"

floyd: Self esteem skyrocketing!

floyd: stop it, you're making me hot!

floyd: "This zombie apocalypse is making me horny!" -- Glen

dn: farmer's daughter sees Short Round messing around in the hygiene section

dn: he panics, trying to keep the secret

dn: and grabs a box of condoms

dn: there's some wacky condom laffs

dn: and then she's like, "Let's do this."

floyd: btw, that move doesn't really work

floyd: I try it in CVS now and then

dn: well, not in a world where the dead stay dead

floyd: yeah, that's why it's not working

floyd: women be picky

dn: let me ask you this

dn: how well do you think you'd perform in a unlocked, unguarded pharmacy in zombie territory?

floyd: some people can only be turned on by imminent death

floyd: I'm not one of them

floyd: so, poorly

floyd: or quickly?

floyd: is there a difference?

dn: I concur

dn: I'm gonna at least need a lock on that door

floyd: you're a romantic

dn: so they boned, but after she's like, "that was a one time thing"

dn: someone horny enough to fuck in a dangerous pharmacy says it's not happening again

floyd: ah, the afterglow

floyd: and Glen just puffs on his cigarette and is like, "Whatever"

dn: the only other plotline was the well

dn: the group is like, "Can we get some water?"

dn: and they're like, "Sure."

dn: and they find a zombie fell into one of the five farm wells

floyd: No. 2

floyd: it was the second well

floyd: they didn't even bother checking the other three

dn: I don't have a problem with that

dn: it's poor form to leave a zombie goofin around on your farm

dn: even if he's at the bottom of your well

dn: what I DO have a problem with

dn: is deciding not to shoot it

dn: so they don't "contaminate the water"

floyd: yeah, that made no sense whatsoever

dn: water that has been steeped in zombie for weeks

floyd: the zombie is bloated and rotting

floyd: I'm pretty sure that water is dirty

floyd: but these people are REALLY stupid

dn: the zombie looked like the monster from Goonies, actually

floyd: Sloth?

dn: right

floyd: Zombie Sloth?

dn: hey you guys, brains!

dn: he also kinda looked like the old lady in the gang from Goonies

dn: she was an unfortunate looking woman

floyd: she lived a hard life

dn: haha

floyd: the crime, the idiot sons, the giant halfwit

dn: was Sloth her son?

dn: do I need to find a Goonies wiki now?

floyd: yes

floyd: Sloth was her child

floyd: he abused him

floyd: which is why he turned against her at the end

floyd: have you even seen Goonies?

floyd: how does someone with your pop culture knowledge forget the plot of Goonies?

dn: many times, but it's been a while

dn: I guess that explains why they looked alike

floyd: ha

floyd: I guess not everybody watched that movie every day for years

dn: I watched it a lot as a kid

dn: sorry I forgot who was related to who

dn: or that it was Josh Brolin's first big role

dn: does it make it any better knowing I've been to Astoria, where The Goonies was filmed?

dn: and saw their home with my own eyes?

dn: and saw the beach where they filmed the pirate ship scene at the end?

floyd: that was in Astoria?

dn: the beach is down the road a ways, but the house is in Astoria

floyd: Astoria, Queens, right?

dn: wow

dn: Astoria, OREGON

floyd: I thought Queens was a strange place to film Goonies

dn: I think you've lost your claim to the "King of The Goonies" title

floyd: hey man, there's some weird parts of Queens

floyd: anyway

floyd: the well

dn: so they tried to get the zombie out of the well by lowering Short Round down, asking him to tie a rope around it so they can pull it up

dn: classic well science

floyd: well, first they tried to entice the zombie with a ham, which was somehow going to make it easier to loop a rope around its neck

floyd: seriously

floyd: that was their first idea

floyd: THEN they decided to send a human down there

dn: yeah, they used the WHOLE canned ham

dn: they attached fish hooks to it or something

dn: it's like a plan a first grader would have had

dn: a first grader with no knowledge of rationing

floyd: or water contamination

dn: anyway, there were some shenanigans, but eventually they pull the zombie up

dn: except the zombie tears in half

dn: because it's rotten

dn: so its lower torso falls back in the well

dn: "contaminating" it

dn: even moreso

floyd: keep in mind, the weight of the body didn't tear the head off during its ascent

dn: and now the farm only has four other wells

floyd: yep

floyd: only four more freshwater wells to keep this small group of humans alive

floyd: including the one that supplies the house, that's apparently so ample that Shane can just leave the fucking hot water running while he symbolically shaves his head

dn: haha

dn: yup, lots of water

dn: one less ham, though

floyd: yep, just wasting that canned ham

dn: two other things in this episode, which probably took 20 minutes of our time but can be summed up in one:

dn: 1. Grimes asks Herschel to let the group stay there for as long as they want, not just until his kid is healed

dn: 2. the redneck walks around looking for the lost girl, and of course doesn't find her

floyd: 3. Carl wears a hat

dn: oh right! Looks like grimes will finally not be wearing his sheriff's outfit anymore

floyd: things are changing!

floyd: also, Carl is pretty much totally recovered

floyd: in what might be three days since being shot in the chest?

dn: that rascal will be out catching fireflies next episode

floyd: out petting wild animals

dn: great kid

floyd: and the freaking girl is STILL not found

floyd: they're really going to keep dragging that along

floyd: can they kill the mom at least?

floyd: she might be the worst character in television

dn: I guess we'll see what happens. SUNDAY NIGHT!!!

dn: by the way I saw the season 1 DVD for sale in Best Buy today

dn: you'll recall season 1 was 6 episodes

dn: retail price: $40

floyd: how many copies did you buy?

dn: zero copies

floyd: stocking stuffer!

floyd: it's on Amazon for like $13

dn: and I complained to the manager

dn: and God

floyd: haha

dn: talk to you Monday

floyd: later

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 3

[Floyd and I are still watching AMC's "The Walking Dead", even though I think it's not scary nor thrilling, and even though Floyd read the first series of the graphic novel it's based on and didn't want to read the rest.]

dn: The show starts with a scene where Shane shaves his head

floyd: ok

dn: you told me you thought this was a flashback at first

floyd: I did

floyd: because of the running shower

floyd: and the electricity

dn: did you wonder why they would flash back to such a boring time in everyone's life?

floyd: couldn't be much more boring than the zombie apocalypse lives they're leading

dn: how long until you figured out it was a flash forward?

floyd: I didn't realize until they finally came back to it later in the episode

floyd: seriously

dn: ok. we'll get into that later

floyd: I thought they were just showing a time in the past that Shane shaved his head for some reason

floyd: figured it made as much sense as anything else they show us

dn: for now, we've got Shane and fat hunter trapped in the school, standing on bleachers, planning to get away from the zombie horde

dn: they come up with a "plan" in 20 seconds, decide it's foolproof, and begin its execution

floyd: how did the fat guy get up on top of the bleachers?

floyd: never mind

dn: they both immediately sprain their ankles escaping the zombies

floyd: the plan being to use human bait

floyd: becoming a common theme

dn: I never thought about it before

dn: but it seems like jumping from high places

dn: is an important survival skill

dn: when the undead are involved

floyd: yeah, it's important to know how to do

floyd: there's lots of climbing and jumping when zombies are chasing you

dn: i wish there was a parkour guy in this group of characters

dn: that would liven things up

floyd: parkour?

dn: where you jump around on common objects?

dn: like the opening scene in Casino Royale

dn: www.youtube.com/watch?v=​RaeXVnhw7iU

floyd: ah

floyd: right

floyd: I was thinking of Super Mario Brothers

dn: huge green pipes are not common objects

floyd: giant mushrooms, however ...

dn: meanwhile at the farmhouse, Grimes' wife Lori is considering letting her child die

dn: rather than risk an operation

dn: or something?

floyd: which is a nice thought to have after you've already sent two people on a suicide mission to bring back surgical equipment

dn: haha

floyd: also the same woman that gave the doctor a bitch fit after finding out he wasn't a people doctor

dn: she says "This isn't a world for children anymore."

floyd: haha, FORESHADOWING

dn: good parental instinct? or THE BEST parental instinct?

floyd: Darwin in action

floyd: maybe Lori realizes that she and Rick/Shane aren't fit for survival

dn: then we're back at the school clusterfuck

dn: Shane is up against a chain link fence

dn: lots of chain link in this episode

dn: and zombies are advancing.

floyd: it's a school

floyd: all I remember about high school is the chain link fences

floyd: also, I went to school at a prison

dn: Shane gives a look like, "Time to activate BEAST MODE!"

dn: but then it's like, whoops, this is too many zombies to kill

floyd: "BEAST MODE" meaning letting three zombies get dangerously close before shooting them

dn: when all the sudden a zombie head explodes, and we see the fat hunter shot him from behind

dn: in fact, it seems that the hunter, the zombie head, and Shane were all lined up

floyd: which struck me as awfully dangerous, considering the fat hunter already shot one person by shooting through his intended target

dn: this guy needs a basic hunter's safety course

floyd: it would have been great, though, if he shot Shane the same way he shot Carl

floyd: and then that kind of became his catch phrase

dn: uh oh, Spaghetti-Os!

floyd: especially if, after shooting another person by shooting through something, he shrugged his shoulders and asked the camera, "Did I do that???"

dn: well, he does have suspenders like Urkel

floyd: this show could use some Urkel

dn: did you watch Family Matters growing up?

floyd: I think

floyd: I don't remember any plots, I just remember Urkel

dn: I did. I remember kind of wondering if it would be more funny to me if I was black

floyd: haha

floyd: I felt the same way about Friends

dn: and Urkel really liked the neighbor girl, right?

dn: but I wasn't really sure how hot she was

dn: because I had no exposure to hot black people

dn: other than The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

dn: so it's like, "Why is Urkel so obsessed? Is this the hottest black girl in the world or what?"

dn: ...maybe I should have kept this to myself

floyd: what about Lisa Turtle?

floyd: I mean, Screech was just a white Urkel

floyd: I think that's the title of his biography: "Screech: White Urkel"

dn: but he was the original

dn: the first nerd ever on TV

dn: or film

dn: don't research it - just trust me

dn: I feel like maybe I got us off track?

dn: now seems like the time to say that the farmhouse vet guy is named "Hershel"

dn: just a classic backwoods Georgia name

dn: one time I asked my dad if Hershel Walker was Jewish

dn: and he kinda laughed and said "maybe"

floyd: what did he say?

floyd: and why would you ask that?

dn: uh, I guess because he was the only Hershel I knew

dn: but then there was an SNL skit that made it kind of obvious that Hershel was a classic Jew name

dn: but explained there weren't a lot of Jewish blacks out there

floyd: did you know any Jews?

dn: of course not

floyd: oh

dn: I feel like maybe I got us off track again

floyd: well, there's a lot going on

floyd: and it's really easy to get back on track

floyd: because maybe 4 things happen in an episode

dn: thing #3: the redneck and the bitchy chick decide to walk around in the pitch black woods searching for the lost girl

dn: must've been a full moon or something

dn: plenty of light for them

floyd: I thought they were going to hump, maybe

dn: me too

floyd: but no, that would have been intriguing

floyd: or at least something

floyd: instead, they talk about her wanting a gun some more

floyd: ugh

dn: they find a guy that hung himself, then turned zombie afterward

floyd: "Got Bit. Got Lit. Ended It. Sayonora"

floyd: isn't that what his note said?

dn: Got Bit. World went to shit. Might as well quit.

dn: why do I know that?

floyd: haha

dn: I might like yours better

dn: shows he was a party dude

floyd: it's more Southern

dn: got bit, y'all. Go Dawgs!

dn: the redneck asks that bitch if she still has a will to live, and she's like, "Shoot that thing with one of your precious arrows and I'll tell you."

dn: and he does, and she says, "Kinda"

floyd: haha

floyd: right

floyd: he should have made her go get the arrow

floyd: for giving such a crappy answer

floyd: here's the question about that scene

floyd: what if she'd said "no"

floyd: what would redneck have done?

dn: maybe then they would have boned

floyd: I think he would have killed her

floyd: wait, that's me

floyd: and then they found the girl

floyd: no they didn't

floyd: why do they all care so much if Andrea kills herself?

floyd: man, let her finish it

floyd: THIS ISN'T A WORLD FOR CHILDREN

dn: OR BITCHES

floyd: "For the last time, you can't have your gun!"

dn: this show has the worst way of bringing up deep conversations

dn: the next one was the vet's daughter and the asian dude

dn: the vet's daughter was like "Do you believe in God"

dn: just jumped right into it on the farmhouse porch

dn: but anyway

dn: then something EXCITING actually happened

floyd: well, are we skipping past where he asked her if she believed in God?

floyd: to which she responds, "I always just took it on faith"

floyd: to which God facepalmed himself

dn: haha

floyd: that somebody is getting paid to write this stuff

floyd: ok

floyd: so Shane and fat hunter are kind of jogging away from the zombies

floyd: and you can tell they're getting tired, because they keep looking at each other like they're really tired

floyd: and they only have one bullet left -- "I only have one bullet left" -- because they wasted a bunch of bullets shooting zombies from the top of the bleachers

floyd: although Shane still has a bullet

floyd: which, after saying "Sorry" and TOTALLY not meaning it, shoots it into the hunter's leg

floyd: with his gun

dn: yes, with his bullet gun

floyd: for some reason he didn't just kill the hunger, or really wound him badly enough not to fight

dn: the hunter says, "Uh oh! Spaghetti Os!"

floyd: because then he has to wrestle this disgusting, bleeding fat man to get the surgical supplies

floyd: which thankfully weren't crushed by the hundreds of pounds writhing around on top of htem

floyd: "Did I do that?"

dn: and the hunter feebly fights back by grabbing at Shane's hair

floyd: and then the hunter gets torn to shreds by zombies after Shane miraculously gets away just in time, missing only a tuft of hair, which I guess is why he shaved his head, also because of SYMBOLISM or something

dn: he makes it back to the farmhouse JUST IN TIME

dn: with the supplies, and the kid gets his surgery

floyd: after Carl has his hilarious seizure

floyd: that kid is just begging for the Emmy

floyd: and he's not going to get it

floyd: because he's a terrible actor

floyd: even for a kid

floyd: I think my quote was earlier, "Carl makes Jake Lloyd look like Marlon Brando"

dn: which is performed under bright lights because somehow this rural Georgia farmhouse has electricity

floyd: they have generators, Dan

floyd: a bunch of generatoers

dn: they have a bunch of generators

dn: but the CDC's generators ran out of fuel like a week or two ago

floyd: the CDC was huge, though

dn: whatever.

dn: and Shane claims the hunter sacrificed himself

dn: instead of saying "I'm a monster and shot that fatty."

floyd: "Natural Selection, bitches"

floyd: "now go save that useless child"

dn: so they're like, "Nice work, Shane."

dn: "you're definitely a hero and not a monster"

dn: "go hit the shower"

floyd: and then five minutes later, the doc comes out and says Carl is going to be fine

floyd: "We were all worried about nothing!" is what he said

floyd: "The X-Rays show that all the bullet fragments are removed!"

dn: "Carl will be fine. He'll walk again. But his acting will still be terrible."

dn: "and he'll still have dumb urges to pet large wildlife"

floyd: "we can't tell if he suffered brain damage or not"

floyd: and Lori's like, "I'm so happy?"

floyd: because she still doesn't think that this is a world for children

floyd: then she nags somebody about something

floyd: and that this farmhouse has an abundance of fuel and water

floyd: pretty convenient

floyd: and white bread

dn: and then we close the episode with Shane's head shaving scene, and we all realize it was a flash FORWARD

dn: here's what I wrote about that head shaving scene on Videogum, which does a magnificent job of recapping this piece of crap:

dn: The cold open/flash forward both took away the suspense of “will Shane escape the high school” AND the suspense of “what’s Shane looking for as he crazily rummages through the bathroom”.

dn: I figured out the flash forward right away

dn: probably because I've seen Breaking Bad and you haven't

dn: and it's clear the writers think they have to imitate Breaking Bad to a tee

dn: and BB really likes those flash forward cold opens

floyd: well, the week before they tried what I guess we'll call a Lost homage

floyd: with the flashback cold open

floyd: then never flashed back again

dn: yep, it was time well spent

floyd: because the flashback was completely useless

floyd: "We need to remind people that Rick was shot"

dn: and that his wife is horrible

floyd: "and that he and Lori's marriage is kind of limp and flaccid"

floyd: "and that Carl is sad that Rick is shot"

floyd: Good use of five minutes, guys!

dn: good series!

dn: can't wait for season 3!

floyd: do you think thye'll have found the girl by then?

floyd: or is the girl like the Russian from the Sopranos?

floyd: just disappears into the woods, never to be heard of again?

dn: it's like the briefcase from Pulp Fiction

floyd: also, if you've never seen Sopranos, apologies for the spoiler

floyd: it's a really good episode

floyd: ROSEBUD

dn: Soylent Green

floyd: the spinning top from Inception

dn: so we'll talk episode 4 tomorrow?

floyd: yes

floyd: tomorrow

Bottle Serviced

 

I rode in a limo for the very first time on Saturday! I celebrated with the finest reasonably priced champagne!

Now that Floyd and I are not on the road, we will resume Walking Dead chats soon. Very soon.