Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Walking Dumb - Season 2 Episode 4

floyd: hello

dn: hi

floyd: just so you know, Aerosmith's Amazing is just wrapping up on my Spotify

floyd: so I expect big things here


dn: man, what an album

floyd: GET A GRIP

floyd: yeah, they were pretty prescient

dn: you gotta have stones if you're livin in the city

dn: you wanna hang loose you gotta GET A GRIP

dn: did I get that right?

floyd: dude looks like a lady!!!

floyd: I think

dn: that seems about right for not hearing the title track for a dozen years

dn: we're off to a great start

dn: !

dn: this won't take long, since nothing happened in this episode. again

dn: there was ONE zombie

floyd: speaking of dudes that look like ladies, Glen gets laid in this episode

dn: Glen is the Asian guy's name?

dn: I thought it was Shortround

floyd: not sure

floyd: haha

floyd: what was the Asian kid's name in Goonies?

floyd: I assume it's the same actor

dn: or Temple of Doom or something

dn: "The boy known as Short Round was born on February 8, 1926 as Wan Li. Orphaned during the Japanese bombing of Shanghai in 1932, Li picked up his alias as a pickpocket on the streets of his home town and attempted to rob the man he would later refer to as Dr. Jones. "


dn: wait...

dn: the street urchins of Shanghai gave him the name Short Round?

dn: speaka the english over there?

floyd: Short Round means something different in Mandarin

dn: Right. OK. So.

dn: the episode

dn: there is some talk from Hershel, the vet who runs the farmhouse, about not carrying guns on the property

dn: I didn't understand it AT ALL

floyd: it made NO sense

floyd: particularly since there were already obviously guns

floyd: I mean, the fat guy was hunting with a rifle

floyd: Rick had a gun the whole time until he needlessly gave it to the hunter

floyd: Andrea apparently carries a gun around with her, despite the rest of the group not letting her have a gun

dn: "Well, we've managed not to turn this ol' farmhouse into an armed garrison, so let's keep doing that, even though an armed garrison would be more preferable by 1000x"

floyd: "barb wire was good enough for my 'pa, and it's good enough now"

dn: i guess they're simply setting us up for something

dn: in the next episode I'll bet

floyd: you think?

dn: they need a gun and oops there aren't any handy

floyd: except I like how easily Hershel later goes back on his hard rule

floyd: "well, since you said a few sentences, I guess I'll think about breaking my ONE RULE"

floyd: also, what kind of farm is this?

floyd: the one rule is "Don't touch my daughter"

floyd: oops, too late Hershel

dn: it's a rich people's farm

dn: they just have horses, so they're just rich folk who live in the country

dn: that's my take

floyd: who are somehow undetectable by zombies

dn: so while you bring up his daughter let's get into that plotline

dn: the daughter is like "We're running low on drugs so I'm heading to the pharmacy"

dn: and Grimes is like, "Take Short Round with you, because he's good at those missions."

floyd: ha

floyd: didn't somebody say something about him being good at getting into tight spaces?

floyd: I swear I heard that line

dn: he's good at SURPRISE ATTACKS

dn: "Asians are great at tunnels."

floyd: was the pharmacy run before or after the well?

dn: after

dn: so they are getting ready to hit the pharmacy, and Mrs Grimes tells Short Round he has to pick up something secret for her

dn: she writes him a secret note that he doesn't understand, and she says "look in the feminine hygiene section"

dn: cool note

floyd: haha

dn: he's gonna learn your secret in an hour - you sure you just don't want to tell him now?

floyd: and is she seriously asking for a brand name?

dn: i think so!

floyd: in a zombie apocalypse, generics still aren't good enough for bitchface Lori

dn: the power of advertising

dn: big pharma

floyd: what a cheap way to heighten suspense

floyd: just terrible

dn: yup! again.

dn: so fast forward, we're at the pharmacy

floyd: and the suspense could have been built even without Glen's confusion

floyd: she could have whispered something to him

dn: haha true!

floyd: he could have looked at her, kind of a "really?" or even a "wow" or "I understand"

dn: well, that took you two seconds to improve the script

floyd: and the audience would have still had the reveal when he picked it up in the feminine hygiene section

floyd: that was RIGHT NEXT to the hardware section

floyd: stole that from videogum, but too good not to bring up here

dn: it was a small mom & pop pharmacy - I'll allow it

floyd: Georgia is weird


dn: no zombies so far, they begin to search for what they can bring back and use on the farm

floyd: all the zombies are still at the high school

floyd: just milling around

dn: instead of saying, "you take a look, I'll be on watch for the undead."

dn: "That mercilessly roam this countryside looking to murder us"

dn: and while farmer's daughter is looking around, he scrambles around the female section

dn: and discovers Mrs Grimes wanted A PREGNANCY TEST

floyd: the reveal!

dn: "whoa!" --nobody who's been paying attention to this show

dn: "wow!" --nobody who has a brain

dn: "brains!" --zombies

floyd: I'll be honest, I wasn't completely sure what it would be

floyd: mostly because I figured Glen would know what a pregnancy test was, and where to find it

floyd: I never thought that Lori would ask for a brand name

dn: I wish her note would have said "Noose. For hanging myself."

floyd: haha

floyd: cyanide

floyd: look in the feminine hygiene section

dn: haha

dn: maybe she needed the brand name because she's too dumb to interpret the generic brands

dn: "I need something that shows a picture of a baby after I pee on it"

floyd: after I audibly pee on it

floyd: nice scene, Walking Dead

dn: I wish it was an HBO show so they could have got REALLY GRAPHIC with it

floyd: I was thinking that about the sexy scene

dn: Also, the test was positive. for those of you who read this solely to catch up on what they missed

floyd: farmer's daughter is kind of cute, in a "well, it's the end of the world, I guess I'll fuck you" kind of way

dn: she is legitimately cute

floyd: "We can't be picky anymore"

floyd: Self esteem skyrocketing!

floyd: stop it, you're making me hot!

floyd: "This zombie apocalypse is making me horny!" -- Glen

dn: farmer's daughter sees Short Round messing around in the hygiene section

dn: he panics, trying to keep the secret

dn: and grabs a box of condoms

dn: there's some wacky condom laffs

dn: and then she's like, "Let's do this."

floyd: btw, that move doesn't really work

floyd: I try it in CVS now and then

dn: well, not in a world where the dead stay dead

floyd: yeah, that's why it's not working

floyd: women be picky

dn: let me ask you this

dn: how well do you think you'd perform in a unlocked, unguarded pharmacy in zombie territory?

floyd: some people can only be turned on by imminent death

floyd: I'm not one of them

floyd: so, poorly

floyd: or quickly?

floyd: is there a difference?

dn: I concur

dn: I'm gonna at least need a lock on that door

floyd: you're a romantic

dn: so they boned, but after she's like, "that was a one time thing"

dn: someone horny enough to fuck in a dangerous pharmacy says it's not happening again

floyd: ah, the afterglow

floyd: and Glen just puffs on his cigarette and is like, "Whatever"

dn: the only other plotline was the well

dn: the group is like, "Can we get some water?"

dn: and they're like, "Sure."

dn: and they find a zombie fell into one of the five farm wells

floyd: No. 2

floyd: it was the second well

floyd: they didn't even bother checking the other three

dn: I don't have a problem with that

dn: it's poor form to leave a zombie goofin around on your farm

dn: even if he's at the bottom of your well

dn: what I DO have a problem with

dn: is deciding not to shoot it

dn: so they don't "contaminate the water"

floyd: yeah, that made no sense whatsoever

dn: water that has been steeped in zombie for weeks

floyd: the zombie is bloated and rotting

floyd: I'm pretty sure that water is dirty

floyd: but these people are REALLY stupid

dn: the zombie looked like the monster from Goonies, actually

floyd: Sloth?

dn: right

floyd: Zombie Sloth?

dn: hey you guys, brains!

dn: he also kinda looked like the old lady in the gang from Goonies

dn: she was an unfortunate looking woman

floyd: she lived a hard life

dn: haha

floyd: the crime, the idiot sons, the giant halfwit

dn: was Sloth her son?

dn: do I need to find a Goonies wiki now?

floyd: yes

floyd: Sloth was her child

floyd: he abused him

floyd: which is why he turned against her at the end

floyd: have you even seen Goonies?

floyd: how does someone with your pop culture knowledge forget the plot of Goonies?

dn: many times, but it's been a while

dn: I guess that explains why they looked alike

floyd: ha

floyd: I guess not everybody watched that movie every day for years

dn: I watched it a lot as a kid

dn: sorry I forgot who was related to who

dn: or that it was Josh Brolin's first big role

dn: does it make it any better knowing I've been to Astoria, where The Goonies was filmed?

dn: and saw their home with my own eyes?

dn: and saw the beach where they filmed the pirate ship scene at the end?

floyd: that was in Astoria?

dn: the beach is down the road a ways, but the house is in Astoria

floyd: Astoria, Queens, right?

dn: wow

dn: Astoria, OREGON

floyd: I thought Queens was a strange place to film Goonies

dn: I think you've lost your claim to the "King of The Goonies" title

floyd: hey man, there's some weird parts of Queens

floyd: anyway

floyd: the well

dn: so they tried to get the zombie out of the well by lowering Short Round down, asking him to tie a rope around it so they can pull it up

dn: classic well science

floyd: well, first they tried to entice the zombie with a ham, which was somehow going to make it easier to loop a rope around its neck

floyd: seriously

floyd: that was their first idea

floyd: THEN they decided to send a human down there

dn: yeah, they used the WHOLE canned ham

dn: they attached fish hooks to it or something

dn: it's like a plan a first grader would have had

dn: a first grader with no knowledge of rationing

floyd: or water contamination

dn: anyway, there were some shenanigans, but eventually they pull the zombie up

dn: except the zombie tears in half

dn: because it's rotten

dn: so its lower torso falls back in the well

dn: "contaminating" it

dn: even moreso

floyd: keep in mind, the weight of the body didn't tear the head off during its ascent

dn: and now the farm only has four other wells

floyd: yep

floyd: only four more freshwater wells to keep this small group of humans alive

floyd: including the one that supplies the house, that's apparently so ample that Shane can just leave the fucking hot water running while he symbolically shaves his head

dn: haha

dn: yup, lots of water

dn: one less ham, though

floyd: yep, just wasting that canned ham

dn: two other things in this episode, which probably took 20 minutes of our time but can be summed up in one:

dn: 1. Grimes asks Herschel to let the group stay there for as long as they want, not just until his kid is healed

dn: 2. the redneck walks around looking for the lost girl, and of course doesn't find her

floyd: 3. Carl wears a hat

dn: oh right! Looks like grimes will finally not be wearing his sheriff's outfit anymore

floyd: things are changing!

floyd: also, Carl is pretty much totally recovered

floyd: in what might be three days since being shot in the chest?

dn: that rascal will be out catching fireflies next episode

floyd: out petting wild animals

dn: great kid

floyd: and the freaking girl is STILL not found

floyd: they're really going to keep dragging that along

floyd: can they kill the mom at least?

floyd: she might be the worst character in television

dn: I guess we'll see what happens. SUNDAY NIGHT!!!

dn: by the way I saw the season 1 DVD for sale in Best Buy today

dn: you'll recall season 1 was 6 episodes

dn: retail price: $40

floyd: how many copies did you buy?

dn: zero copies

floyd: stocking stuffer!

floyd: it's on Amazon for like $13

dn: and I complained to the manager

dn: and God

floyd: haha

dn: talk to you Monday

floyd: later

1 comment:

dn said...

My Astoria trip is at