[Floyd and I are still watching AMC's "The Walking Dead", even though I think it's not scary nor thrilling, and even though Floyd read the first series of the graphic novel it's based on and didn't want to read the rest.]
dn: The show starts with a scene where Shane shaves his head
dn: you told me you thought this was a flashback at first
floyd: I did
floyd: because of the running shower
floyd: and the electricity
dn: did you wonder why they would flash back to such a boring time in everyone's life?
floyd: couldn't be much more boring than the zombie apocalypse lives they're leading
dn: how long until you figured out it was a flash forward?
floyd: I didn't realize until they finally came back to it later in the episode
dn: ok. we'll get into that later
floyd: I thought they were just showing a time in the past that Shane shaved his head for some reason
floyd: figured it made as much sense as anything else they show us
dn: for now, we've got Shane and fat hunter trapped in the school, standing on bleachers, planning to get away from the zombie horde
dn: they come up with a "plan" in 20 seconds, decide it's foolproof, and begin its execution
floyd: how did the fat guy get up on top of the bleachers?
floyd: never mind
dn: they both immediately sprain their ankles escaping the zombies
floyd: the plan being to use human bait
floyd: becoming a common theme
dn: I never thought about it before
dn: but it seems like jumping from high places
dn: is an important survival skill
dn: when the undead are involved
floyd: yeah, it's important to know how to do
floyd: there's lots of climbing and jumping when zombies are chasing you
dn: i wish there was a parkour guy in this group of characters
dn: meanwhile at the farmhouse, Grimes' wife Lori is considering letting her child die
dn: rather than risk an operation
dn: or something?
floyd: which is a nice thought to have after you've already sent two people on a suicide mission to bring back surgical equipment
floyd: also the same woman that gave the doctor a bitch fit after finding out he wasn't a people doctor
dn: she says "This isn't a world for children anymore."
floyd: haha, FORESHADOWING
dn: good parental instinct? or THE BEST parental instinct?
floyd: Darwin in action
floyd: maybe Lori realizes that she and Rick/Shane aren't fit for survival
dn: then we're back at the school clusterfuck
dn: Shane is up against a chain link fence
dn: lots of chain link in this episode
dn: and zombies are advancing.
floyd: it's a school
floyd: all I remember about high school is the chain link fences
floyd: also, I went to school at a prison
dn: Shane gives a look like, "Time to activate BEAST MODE!"
dn: but then it's like, whoops, this is too many zombies to kill
floyd: "BEAST MODE" meaning letting three zombies get dangerously close before shooting them
dn: when all the sudden a zombie head explodes, and we see the fat hunter shot him from behind
dn: in fact, it seems that the hunter, the zombie head, and Shane were all lined up
floyd: which struck me as awfully dangerous, considering the fat hunter already shot one person by shooting through his intended target
dn: this guy needs a basic hunter's safety course
floyd: it would have been great, though, if he shot Shane the same way he shot Carl
floyd: and then that kind of became his catch phrase
dn: uh oh, Spaghetti-Os!
floyd: especially if, after shooting another person by shooting through something, he shrugged his shoulders and asked the camera, "Did I do that???"
dn: well, he does have suspenders like Urkel
floyd: this show could use some Urkel
dn: did you watch Family Matters growing up?
floyd: I think
floyd: I don't remember any plots, I just remember Urkel
dn: I did. I remember kind of wondering if it would be more funny to me if I was black
floyd: I felt the same way about Friends
dn: and Urkel really liked the neighbor girl, right?
dn: but I wasn't really sure how hot she was
dn: because I had no exposure to hot black people
dn: other than The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
dn: so it's like, "Why is Urkel so obsessed? Is this the hottest black girl in the world or what?"
dn: ...maybe I should have kept this to myself
floyd: what about Lisa Turtle?
floyd: I mean, Screech was just a white Urkel
floyd: I think that's the title of his biography: "Screech: White Urkel"
dn: but he was the original
dn: the first nerd ever on TV
dn: or film
dn: don't research it - just trust me
dn: I feel like maybe I got us off track?
dn: now seems like the time to say that the farmhouse vet guy is named "Hershel"
dn: just a classic backwoods Georgia name
dn: one time I asked my dad if Hershel Walker was Jewish
dn: and he kinda laughed and said "maybe"
floyd: what did he say?
floyd: and why would you ask that?
dn: uh, I guess because he was the only Hershel I knew
dn: but then there was an SNL skit that made it kind of obvious that Hershel was a classic Jew name
dn: but explained there weren't a lot of Jewish blacks out there
floyd: did you know any Jews?
dn: of course not
dn: I feel like maybe I got us off track again
floyd: well, there's a lot going on
floyd: and it's really easy to get back on track
floyd: because maybe 4 things happen in an episode
dn: thing #3: the redneck and the bitchy chick decide to walk around in the pitch black woods searching for the lost girl
dn: must've been a full moon or something
dn: plenty of light for them
floyd: I thought they were going to hump, maybe
dn: me too
floyd: but no, that would have been intriguing
floyd: or at least something
floyd: instead, they talk about her wanting a gun some more
dn: they find a guy that hung himself, then turned zombie afterward
floyd: "Got Bit. Got Lit. Ended It. Sayonora"
floyd: isn't that what his note said?
dn: Got Bit. World went to shit. Might as well quit.
dn: why do I know that?
dn: I might like yours better
dn: shows he was a party dude
floyd: it's more Southern
dn: got bit, y'all. Go Dawgs!
dn: the redneck asks that bitch if she still has a will to live, and she's like, "Shoot that thing with one of your precious arrows and I'll tell you."
dn: and he does, and she says, "Kinda"
floyd: he should have made her go get the arrow
floyd: for giving such a crappy answer
floyd: here's the question about that scene
floyd: what if she'd said "no"
floyd: what would redneck have done?
dn: maybe then they would have boned
floyd: I think he would have killed her
floyd: wait, that's me
floyd: and then they found the girl
floyd: no they didn't
floyd: why do they all care so much if Andrea kills herself?
floyd: man, let her finish it
floyd: THIS ISN'T A WORLD FOR CHILDREN
dn: OR BITCHES
floyd: "For the last time, you can't have your gun!"
dn: this show has the worst way of bringing up deep conversations
dn: the next one was the vet's daughter and the asian dude
dn: the vet's daughter was like "Do you believe in God"
dn: just jumped right into it on the farmhouse porch
dn: but anyway
dn: then something EXCITING actually happened
floyd: well, are we skipping past where he asked her if she believed in God?
floyd: to which she responds, "I always just took it on faith"
floyd: to which God facepalmed himself
floyd: that somebody is getting paid to write this stuff
floyd: so Shane and fat hunter are kind of jogging away from the zombies
floyd: and you can tell they're getting tired, because they keep looking at each other like they're really tired
floyd: and they only have one bullet left -- "I only have one bullet left" -- because they wasted a bunch of bullets shooting zombies from the top of the bleachers
floyd: although Shane still has a bullet
floyd: which, after saying "Sorry" and TOTALLY not meaning it, shoots it into the hunter's leg
floyd: with his gun
dn: yes, with his bullet gun
floyd: for some reason he didn't just kill the hunger, or really wound him badly enough not to fight
dn: the hunter says, "Uh oh! Spaghetti Os!"
floyd: because then he has to wrestle this disgusting, bleeding fat man to get the surgical supplies
floyd: which thankfully weren't crushed by the hundreds of pounds writhing around on top of htem
floyd: "Did I do that?"
dn: and the hunter feebly fights back by grabbing at Shane's hair
floyd: and then the hunter gets torn to shreds by zombies after Shane miraculously gets away just in time, missing only a tuft of hair, which I guess is why he shaved his head, also because of SYMBOLISM or something
dn: he makes it back to the farmhouse JUST IN TIME
dn: with the supplies, and the kid gets his surgery
floyd: after Carl has his hilarious seizure
floyd: that kid is just begging for the Emmy
floyd: and he's not going to get it
floyd: because he's a terrible actor
floyd: even for a kid
floyd: I think my quote was earlier, "Carl makes Jake Lloyd look like Marlon Brando"
dn: which is performed under bright lights because somehow this rural Georgia farmhouse has electricity
floyd: they have generators, Dan
floyd: a bunch of generatoers
dn: they have a bunch of generators
dn: but the CDC's generators ran out of fuel like a week or two ago
floyd: the CDC was huge, though
dn: and Shane claims the hunter sacrificed himself
dn: instead of saying "I'm a monster and shot that fatty."
floyd: "Natural Selection, bitches"
floyd: "now go save that useless child"
dn: so they're like, "Nice work, Shane."
dn: "you're definitely a hero and not a monster"
dn: "go hit the shower"
floyd: and then five minutes later, the doc comes out and says Carl is going to be fine
floyd: "We were all worried about nothing!" is what he said
floyd: "The X-Rays show that all the bullet fragments are removed!"
dn: "Carl will be fine. He'll walk again. But his acting will still be terrible."
dn: "and he'll still have dumb urges to pet large wildlife"
floyd: "we can't tell if he suffered brain damage or not"
floyd: and Lori's like, "I'm so happy?"
floyd: because she still doesn't think that this is a world for children
floyd: then she nags somebody about something
floyd: and that this farmhouse has an abundance of fuel and water
floyd: pretty convenient
floyd: and white bread
dn: and then we close the episode with Shane's head shaving scene, and we all realize it was a flash FORWARD
dn: here's what I wrote about that head shaving scene on Videogum, which does a magnificent job of recapping this piece of crap:
dn: The cold open/flash forward both took away the suspense of “will Shane escape the high school” AND the suspense of “what’s Shane looking for as he crazily rummages through the bathroom”.
dn: I figured out the flash forward right away
dn: probably because I've seen Breaking Bad and you haven't
dn: and it's clear the writers think they have to imitate Breaking Bad to a tee
dn: and BB really likes those flash forward cold opens
floyd: well, the week before they tried what I guess we'll call a Lost homage
floyd: with the flashback cold open
floyd: then never flashed back again
dn: yep, it was time well spent
floyd: because the flashback was completely useless
floyd: "We need to remind people that Rick was shot"
dn: and that his wife is horrible
floyd: "and that he and Lori's marriage is kind of limp and flaccid"
floyd: "and that Carl is sad that Rick is shot"
floyd: Good use of five minutes, guys!
dn: good series!
dn: can't wait for season 3!
floyd: do you think thye'll have found the girl by then?
floyd: or is the girl like the Russian from the Sopranos?
floyd: just disappears into the woods, never to be heard of again?
dn: it's like the briefcase from Pulp Fiction
floyd: also, if you've never seen Sopranos, apologies for the spoiler