Phil and I read "Covering Teen Wolf: One Coach's Guide" on Friday, and spent the rest of the day emailing about the issues it raises:
ME: I always thought Teen Wolf's dribbling skill left much to be desired. Same with his face.
PHIL: Teen Wolf. Man, what a punk. I disagree with that coach's assessment, I think a box and one defense would work.
ME: If the Kate Beckinsdale vehicle Underworld taught me anything, it's that a blood feud between the vampires and werewolves has raged for centuries, and it won't stop anytime soon. Your box & one had better include a vampire manning up with Teen Wolf; or, preferably, an entire team of vampires. Or that kid from Hoosiers.
PHIL: Dan, let's get one thing straight. Vampires hate bright lights. Basketball games in gymnasiums require bright lights. It's just not something you can do. However, what about recruiting other werewolves? Is Teen Wolf the only one? If not, is he the only werewolf that has eligibility? Seriously..
ME: Actually, IMDB tells me that there was another Teen Wolf - Teen Wolf Too. The deuce was aptly protrayed by Arrested Development's Jason Bateman - his character was the original Teen Wolf's cousin. Teen Wolf Too is on a college scholarship, so his eligibility is up. Still, it's clear that the werewolf gene obeys simple Mendelian genetics -- so yes, another werewolf must be out there that could guard Teen Wolf. Much like the Civil War, it would pit brother against brother (or distant relative against distant relative).
And if I might squabble with you on the issue of bright lights...yes, vampires hate bright lights. But more than they hate werewolves? Hardly. So long as the game is not played in sunlight, I see no problem fielding a team comprised of bloodthirsty, fanged, godless, immortal beasts.
PHIL: Not having seen Teen Wolf Too, I have to ask, did this "Bateman" werewolf attend the same school as Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf? If so, do the Beavers have some sort of edge in recruiting werewolves much like the Yankees and Cubans? Or, is it just that all the werewolves live in the same part of town thus requiring them to attend the local high school.
Back to the vampires, who are you kidding. Them have all that clothing, the cape, amulet, etc. There's no way they could "d-up" on a werewolf. Nice try.
ME: You know, it's hard to say what high school TWToo attended. IMDB only gives me so much of the plot outline. I can tell you that the original TW's tagline was, "He always wanted to be special... but he never expected this!", while the sequel's was, "High school was easy. But college is a whole different ANIMAL."
And did you know that TWToo is ranked in IMDB's bottom 100 movies? It's the 67th worst movie on the list. That poor ranking would hurt anyone, including the abnormally thick-skinned werewolf that is the subject of such derision.
Oh, and if you like TWToo, IMDB recommends you watch the original Teen Wolf. Like Teen Wolf? IMDB recommends you watch Fat Albert, starring Keenan Thompson.
[werewolf] , [vampire] , [basketball] , [teen wolf]
8 comments:
Reading this brings back so many memories. I guess they are memories from Friday but still.
-Phil
That "hack-a-wolf" thing killed me...Personally, I would go to the 2-3 zone & make Teen Wolf beat you from the perimeter. You can't tell me that with those furry claws he has any kind of touch from downtown...
Teen Wolf Too is justifiably one of the worst movies ever made...however, that didn't stop me from watching it about 263 times in my youth. Bateman was a stud, if a little soft (softer than Fox?--discuss). The sport of choice this time was boxing. And I don't care how many times he scores on your girlfriend, if you are stupid enough to get into a boxing ring with a werewolf, you deserve what you get. The "twist" of the movie is that his academic advisor is also secretly a werewolf. And Styles has way too big of a role. I am going to rush out and rent this to see how it holds up today. Gut reaction?...high unintentional comedy.
[-jeff.]
Seriously, it's boxing? At least basketball seems a little more believable. Speaking of which, a 2-3 zone simply won't won't. In case you don't remember, Teen Wolf can easily leap from the 3-point line and dunk. Try stopping that from the perimeter.
-phil
Question: Does a boxing werewolf wear gloves?
Bateman and Fox were both soft - no use in debating who was more soft. That's like debating Snuggle vs. Downy. And I'm so, so tired of debating Snuggle vs. Downy. So, so tired.
Having not seen the movie, I would believe that he'd have to wear gloves. C'mon, teenwolf's claws on his paws would kill many, many men.
As for Bateman v. Fox... I'd have to go with Fox. Simply because in "Family Ties" he at least had the balls to stand up to his liberal, tree-hugging, hippie parents and live by his own beliefs as a Reaganomics-loving, young republicans card-carrying, suit-and-tie-wearing, conservative d-bag.
Of course he wore gloves...otherwise he would just look silly.
Seriously though...it should be noted that both wolves respected the game so much that, despite becoming werewolves (a debate-worthy gray area), they always played within the framework of the rules. I feel a SportsCentury/Behind The Glory in the works.
My question is: what college has a boxing team?
...and the real reason why Teen Wolf Too didn't work: no Boof.
[-jeff.]
Jeff brings us a good point with zoning up Teen Wolf. I've been giving this alot of thought (probably too much), and I think you're going to have to combine the works of Dean Smith and Mike Krzyzewski to counter the wolf. First, I think Carolina's classic half-court "diamond press" could be effective against the wolf. Jumping him with two men right across half court forces him to give up the ball. Extending the defense out that far also prevents against the infamous takeoff from the 3 point line. Sure, he's going to break the press sometimes, but hey, he's a freakin' wolf.
The other part involves what Duke did against UNLV in the NCAA championship in the early '90s. Duke made Larry Johnson (who is kind of wolf-like) play defense every trip down court, thereby wearing him down quickly. So, my suggestion is to get Christian Laettner on your team and have him go right at the wolf every time down court. And when Laettner gets tired, bring in Cherokee Parks or Alaa Abdelnaby. Trust me, the wolf can't keep that pace for an entire game.
Paul
Along with Paul's idea, I think wearing Wolf down on defense is the best tactic. Particularly, getting him into foul trouble. Head fakes are key, and a savvy player should be able to take advantage of the red-hot bloodlust of a fully transformed werewolf to draw some stupid fouls away from the basket. Teen Wolf can't score if he isn't in the game. Working the refs would play a big part in this strategy, assuming the refs aren't werewolves as well.
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