I'm off to witness a marriage.
Here's a fun fact: Saturday will mark the first time in about 3 years since my parents have been in the same room! And the time before that was about 6 years back, when the current bride's sister got married! Did I mention they haven't spoken to one another in approximately 12 years? It's always a good time when my folks are around.
Check back Sunday night for pictures of me: DanPretendsNotToBeUncomfortable.jpeg, TheLovelyBride.jpeg, GodWhenIsOneOfThemGoingToLeaveTheReception.jpeg
Thursday, April 27, 2006
How Not To Date A Black Woman
[A companion piece.]
Step 1. Live in Kansas.
Step 2. Be a passive white dude of German ancestry.
Step 3. Be terrified of dating a black woman.
Step 1. Live in Kansas.
Step 2. Be a passive white dude of German ancestry.
Step 3. Be terrified of dating a black woman.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
The Forgettable Fire
I know we're all exhausted from talking about board games, but can we take a moment to discuss Crossfire?
No, it's not that gay CNN show that was cancelled (I think), it's slightly better.
As a kid, I was very, very excited when my brother and I received Crossfire for some reason. The commercials we'd seen for Crossfire looked super-awesome. No one we knew owned Crossfire. Crossfire was going to kick so much ass. How could we be so lucky?
The object of the game was to fire your gun, loaded with ball bearings, toward the two puck thingys, and to push both puck thingys all the way across the board. Your opponent also tried to shoot both thingys across the board.
Two players. Two puck thingys. Can you see why Crossfire turned out to be a bust?
It was terrible. One person would succeed in shooting puck 1 across the board, while the opponent would succeed in shooting puck 2 across the board. Ties are for soccer, not board games. Not board games that inflate your hopes with promises of gun-shooting.
Now I see that the goal of Crossfire was to "push your puck into your opponent's goal as often as you can", which sounds even lamer than the way my bro and I played. Amazon also features some customer reviews:
No, it's not that gay CNN show that was cancelled (I think), it's slightly better.
As a kid, I was very, very excited when my brother and I received Crossfire for some reason. The commercials we'd seen for Crossfire looked super-awesome. No one we knew owned Crossfire. Crossfire was going to kick so much ass. How could we be so lucky?
The object of the game was to fire your gun, loaded with ball bearings, toward the two puck thingys, and to push both puck thingys all the way across the board. Your opponent also tried to shoot both thingys across the board.
Two players. Two puck thingys. Can you see why Crossfire turned out to be a bust?
It was terrible. One person would succeed in shooting puck 1 across the board, while the opponent would succeed in shooting puck 2 across the board. Ties are for soccer, not board games. Not board games that inflate your hopes with promises of gun-shooting.
Now I see that the goal of Crossfire was to "push your puck into your opponent's goal as often as you can", which sounds even lamer than the way my bro and I played. Amazon also features some customer reviews:
My 7yo son cried the first (and therefore only) time he played it because it was too hard to fire the guns. He had to squeeze with both hands, which prevented him from being able to use one hand to reload. They often misfire and you have to jiggle them to get the balls to roll into place and that can mess up the whole playing surface. He also said it hurt his hand to pull the trigger. I tried to play the game to see how bad it was. I couldn't even finish the game because I developed a blister on my trigger finger. The next day, my whole hand was sore and the pain extended up my forearm.Nice work, Crossfire! You sucked and you always will suck. Get fucked.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Beating Bush
Nathan and Julie had an argument about our President - was he above average intelligence, or was he below? I couldn't decide, so I tried to tackle the issue from another perspective. Could I match him in a game of wits? Like Trivial Pursuit?
People and Places
Unlike myself, W has visited every state in the Union (I assume), as well as many foreign countries. I have been to Cancun. This category also tends to favor the older player, who may know folks like Pol Pot from something other than a history book, and who may have actually known Elizabeth Taylor as a hot young actress.
EDGE: George W. Bush
History
Again, the older player usually has an advantage in this category. Now would be a good time to point out that I'm referring to the traditional Trivial Pursuit games, not the pop culture versions, which shouldn't be purchased or played.
EDGE: George W. Bush
Science and Nature
Unless he could use his position to skew the scientific information, as he does in real life, my two scientific degrees would prove too much for the President. "Working" on a ranch in Texas does not a nature expert make.
EDGE: Me
Sport & Leisure
W is a sports fan, and we all know that he enjoys his leisure. This is always a strong category for a male - I don't see either of us struggling to gain this piece of pie.
EDGE: None
Art & Literature
I imagine that George has read the same classics as I have, and perhaps even a few more. His wife is a librarian, so he's been at least subliminally exposed to hundreds of authors' names. For some reason, though, I think he'd be weak on Renaissance painting and sculpture. I, on the other hand, know that Rembrandt painted "The Night Watch".
EDGE: Me
Wild Card
Here's the thing about the Wild Card category - it's full of ridiculous questions like "How many paperclips does the average Croatian use per year?" And they often give you multiple choice: 20, 2000, or 20000000? You have to be savvy enough to know that it's always the huge number, or the tiny number. You have to be a veteran of the game. I'm guessing a college-aged W never stayed in on a Saturday night, playing very, very serious games of TP with his classmates until 3 or 4 in the morning. I have.
EDGE: Me
Taking three of the six categories outright, I would defeat our President. I could also dispatch him at Scrabble, Scattergories, Boggle, any fantasy sport, and Catchphrase.
I may be smarter, but that doesn't mean I'm invincible. I'll give W the nod in a game of Monopoly (he's the kind of guy that could convince you to trade him Pennsylvania Avenue for the Electric Company and a Get Out of Jail Free card), Stratego (irony rule in effect), and Quarters.
People and Places
Unlike myself, W has visited every state in the Union (I assume), as well as many foreign countries. I have been to Cancun. This category also tends to favor the older player, who may know folks like Pol Pot from something other than a history book, and who may have actually known Elizabeth Taylor as a hot young actress.
EDGE: George W. Bush
History
Again, the older player usually has an advantage in this category. Now would be a good time to point out that I'm referring to the traditional Trivial Pursuit games, not the pop culture versions, which shouldn't be purchased or played.
EDGE: George W. Bush
Science and Nature
Unless he could use his position to skew the scientific information, as he does in real life, my two scientific degrees would prove too much for the President. "Working" on a ranch in Texas does not a nature expert make.
EDGE: Me
Sport & Leisure
W is a sports fan, and we all know that he enjoys his leisure. This is always a strong category for a male - I don't see either of us struggling to gain this piece of pie.
EDGE: None
Art & Literature
I imagine that George has read the same classics as I have, and perhaps even a few more. His wife is a librarian, so he's been at least subliminally exposed to hundreds of authors' names. For some reason, though, I think he'd be weak on Renaissance painting and sculpture. I, on the other hand, know that Rembrandt painted "The Night Watch".
EDGE: Me
Wild Card
Here's the thing about the Wild Card category - it's full of ridiculous questions like "How many paperclips does the average Croatian use per year?" And they often give you multiple choice: 20, 2000, or 20000000? You have to be savvy enough to know that it's always the huge number, or the tiny number. You have to be a veteran of the game. I'm guessing a college-aged W never stayed in on a Saturday night, playing very, very serious games of TP with his classmates until 3 or 4 in the morning. I have.
EDGE: Me
Taking three of the six categories outright, I would defeat our President. I could also dispatch him at Scrabble, Scattergories, Boggle, any fantasy sport, and Catchphrase.
I may be smarter, but that doesn't mean I'm invincible. I'll give W the nod in a game of Monopoly (he's the kind of guy that could convince you to trade him Pennsylvania Avenue for the Electric Company and a Get Out of Jail Free card), Stratego (irony rule in effect), and Quarters.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
More Than One Way
We were given a pale, dead rat. It came with instructions. After moving the scalpel around the torso and making a few other precision cuts, remove its skin "like you're taking off a T-shirt".
Since my sophomore year of college, I've peeled tees from my body thousands of times. In my luckier days, I've been allowed to remove T-shirts from the bodies of women; although usually, I wait for them to handle that themselves. I'm shy.
But whenever I get crossed up, I look back to my training, and I think, "Remember, it's just like peeling the skin from a bisected rat."
Since my sophomore year of college, I've peeled tees from my body thousands of times. In my luckier days, I've been allowed to remove T-shirts from the bodies of women; although usually, I wait for them to handle that themselves. I'm shy.
But whenever I get crossed up, I look back to my training, and I think, "Remember, it's just like peeling the skin from a bisected rat."
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Pamoja
[Hi. I found the following text over the weekend, when I was searching for the letters I wrote to former Minnesota Twins players. (I asked several of them to put me up in their mansions while I went to graduate school. I did not receive any correspondence in return.) The text is an email I sent on behalf of the student senate - we were hosting a get-together for all the grad students. It was called "Pamjoa", for reasons I'm still not quite comprehending. Regardless of its name, we needed to get the asses in the seats, as they say. I thought this email would do the trick. It's ridiculous, ridiculously long, and of little interest to anyone.]
I hope you are all considering to attend Pamoja: An Evening of Community. Wednesday evening will surely prove to be a good time.
I'm sure more than a few of you have thought, or even wondered aloud, "Pamoja? Why is it called Pamoja? Well, I'll tell you why.
There's a reason for everything, and--
No, stop. Wait. I'm sorry. I'm off to a bad start already. That's a lie, the thing about a reason for everything. Reassuring as it may sound, it's simply not true; I don't want to start off with a lie like that. What message would I be sending? A message of untruth, or, at the very least, a misleading memorandum -- and that's, like, the Best Case Scenario.
There is not a reason for everything, and that fact is a difficult thing to wrap one's head around. Still, for some things a reason exists, and one of these reasoned entities is the naming of Pamoja. After an extensive survey of young professionals, the name for the back-to-school Student Senate-sponsored event was shortlisted to three. They were, in order of popularity:
1. Twilight Enchantment
2. Banquet Under the Sea
(and)
3. Pinnacle: A Remembrance of Heart
Clearly, Student Senate had its work cut out for itself. After separately voting on the best event name at four separate meetings, the deadlock was broken. "Banquet Under the Sea" won out by the narrowest of margins, and planning began in earnest. Things hit a snag rather quickly, however, when it brought to our attention that seawater caused unfortunate aftertastes in the dishes we planned to serve. This detail -- in combination with the grim realization that humans cannot dine or survive for extended periods underwater -- was great enough to abort the underwater buffet idea. I thank heavens to this day for the rehearsal that brought these points to our attention; I fear the loss of life may have been far greater if we had proceeded as planned.
So, there we were, a mere two months away from the event date, without a name for our gathering. Down on my luck, I turned to my usual therapy -- a steamy helping of alphabet soup. As I sipped the broth from a plastic spoon -- irregularly shaped due to unfortunate, improper placement in the automatic dishwasher -- I happened to glance down at my bowl's literary content. Clearly spelled out between a bit of celery and a chunk of chicken (the manufacturers claim it's 100% All White Meat!, but I have my doubts) was the word that inspired it all: "PARTOFME".
Granted, it was hardly a word at all, more like 3 words in one magical grouping, but it did the trick. A switch in my noggin flipped, and I rushed to the file cabinet in the next room. Inside was the answer we had been searching for: 3,000 pieces of correspondence, the result of an intensive, nationwide letter-writing campaign to Student Senate the previous semester. All across America, both youths and adolescents alike sent their voices soaring past the walls of their middle schools. They urged us to, should we sponsor a gathering of public health students and faculty, name the event "Pamoja".
Without bothering to alert the others, I immediately began researching the etymology of Pamoja. What I found was alarming. Not only was its aesthetic value off the charts, Pamoja's literal and figurative meanings were perfectly suited for its designation. Clearly, the letter-writing youth of America were on to something…something BIG.
It turns out that Pamoja is a Swahili word for "together". Can you believe it? What a happy coincidence! Here we are, planning an event to bring together two groups of people, and we get a name that MEANS WHAT WE'RE DOING!! Amazing. And it didn't stop there -- as my research continued, I found that "together" is actually an English word for "pamoja"!
Furthermore, "together" is taken from the essential derivative "ghedh", which in turn becomes words like "gadrian" (meaning "gather", Old English) and "gaduri" (meaning "in a body", Germanic). Just fascinating. Didn't I tell you it was fascinating? Here we are, "gathering" people (or, "bodies") into a place that originally was going to be a "body" of water…I mean, does it get any better than Pamoja?
Pamoja, were it to appear in a common English language dictionary, would be placed adjacent to "pampero", a strong, cold southwest wind that blows across the Pampas. It's cold here in Minnesota -- where wind sometimes blows -- where we're having Pamoja! And it's being held at the Weisman Museum, a museum that just HAPPENS to face the southwest!
Books of learning scattered across the floor, my hands shook as I sat there, trying to light a cigarette. My anxiety was so great that I failed to accomplish that task; indeed, my anxiety was so momentous that I had forgotten that I do not smoke -- in fact, my anxiety was so very, very big that I had no recollection of stopping my research briefly, walking outside, punching a passerby in the stomach, taking his wallet and cigarettes, then calmly moving back inside my abode and attempting to enter Flavor Country.
And you should be excited, too. Pamoja could very well be the last event we ever attend. Not the last function we go to at Gehry's Wacky Shack, not the last gathering at the University of Minnesota -- the last event, like, ever. The world could end immediately after the interactive entertainment we have planned for Pamoja comes to a close. Don't believe me? What if I told you that "Pampas" was a vast plain of south-central South America from the lower Parana R. to south-central Argentina? Am I the only one that sees the significance? Pamoja? Pampero? Pampas? Parana R.? Vast plain? A vast plain is, like, only the most OBVIOUS reference to the all-encompassing void of space known as the ever-expanding universe, where our souls will drift for all eternity after the planet we know as Earth implodes upon itself.
Please, I urge you to come to Pamoja before life as we know it comes to an end. Also, there will be food and drinks.
Bye,
Student Senate
I hope you are all considering to attend Pamoja: An Evening of Community. Wednesday evening will surely prove to be a good time.
I'm sure more than a few of you have thought, or even wondered aloud, "Pamoja? Why is it called Pamoja? Well, I'll tell you why.
There's a reason for everything, and--
No, stop. Wait. I'm sorry. I'm off to a bad start already. That's a lie, the thing about a reason for everything. Reassuring as it may sound, it's simply not true; I don't want to start off with a lie like that. What message would I be sending? A message of untruth, or, at the very least, a misleading memorandum -- and that's, like, the Best Case Scenario.
There is not a reason for everything, and that fact is a difficult thing to wrap one's head around. Still, for some things a reason exists, and one of these reasoned entities is the naming of Pamoja. After an extensive survey of young professionals, the name for the back-to-school Student Senate-sponsored event was shortlisted to three. They were, in order of popularity:
1. Twilight Enchantment
2. Banquet Under the Sea
(and)
3. Pinnacle: A Remembrance of Heart
Clearly, Student Senate had its work cut out for itself. After separately voting on the best event name at four separate meetings, the deadlock was broken. "Banquet Under the Sea" won out by the narrowest of margins, and planning began in earnest. Things hit a snag rather quickly, however, when it brought to our attention that seawater caused unfortunate aftertastes in the dishes we planned to serve. This detail -- in combination with the grim realization that humans cannot dine or survive for extended periods underwater -- was great enough to abort the underwater buffet idea. I thank heavens to this day for the rehearsal that brought these points to our attention; I fear the loss of life may have been far greater if we had proceeded as planned.
So, there we were, a mere two months away from the event date, without a name for our gathering. Down on my luck, I turned to my usual therapy -- a steamy helping of alphabet soup. As I sipped the broth from a plastic spoon -- irregularly shaped due to unfortunate, improper placement in the automatic dishwasher -- I happened to glance down at my bowl's literary content. Clearly spelled out between a bit of celery and a chunk of chicken (the manufacturers claim it's 100% All White Meat!, but I have my doubts) was the word that inspired it all: "PARTOFME".
Granted, it was hardly a word at all, more like 3 words in one magical grouping, but it did the trick. A switch in my noggin flipped, and I rushed to the file cabinet in the next room. Inside was the answer we had been searching for: 3,000 pieces of correspondence, the result of an intensive, nationwide letter-writing campaign to Student Senate the previous semester. All across America, both youths and adolescents alike sent their voices soaring past the walls of their middle schools. They urged us to, should we sponsor a gathering of public health students and faculty, name the event "Pamoja".
Without bothering to alert the others, I immediately began researching the etymology of Pamoja. What I found was alarming. Not only was its aesthetic value off the charts, Pamoja's literal and figurative meanings were perfectly suited for its designation. Clearly, the letter-writing youth of America were on to something…something BIG.
It turns out that Pamoja is a Swahili word for "together". Can you believe it? What a happy coincidence! Here we are, planning an event to bring together two groups of people, and we get a name that MEANS WHAT WE'RE DOING!! Amazing. And it didn't stop there -- as my research continued, I found that "together" is actually an English word for "pamoja"!
Furthermore, "together" is taken from the essential derivative "ghedh", which in turn becomes words like "gadrian" (meaning "gather", Old English) and "gaduri" (meaning "in a body", Germanic). Just fascinating. Didn't I tell you it was fascinating? Here we are, "gathering" people (or, "bodies") into a place that originally was going to be a "body" of water…I mean, does it get any better than Pamoja?
Pamoja, were it to appear in a common English language dictionary, would be placed adjacent to "pampero", a strong, cold southwest wind that blows across the Pampas. It's cold here in Minnesota -- where wind sometimes blows -- where we're having Pamoja! And it's being held at the Weisman Museum, a museum that just HAPPENS to face the southwest!
Books of learning scattered across the floor, my hands shook as I sat there, trying to light a cigarette. My anxiety was so great that I failed to accomplish that task; indeed, my anxiety was so momentous that I had forgotten that I do not smoke -- in fact, my anxiety was so very, very big that I had no recollection of stopping my research briefly, walking outside, punching a passerby in the stomach, taking his wallet and cigarettes, then calmly moving back inside my abode and attempting to enter Flavor Country.
And you should be excited, too. Pamoja could very well be the last event we ever attend. Not the last function we go to at Gehry's Wacky Shack, not the last gathering at the University of Minnesota -- the last event, like, ever. The world could end immediately after the interactive entertainment we have planned for Pamoja comes to a close. Don't believe me? What if I told you that "Pampas" was a vast plain of south-central South America from the lower Parana R. to south-central Argentina? Am I the only one that sees the significance? Pamoja? Pampero? Pampas? Parana R.? Vast plain? A vast plain is, like, only the most OBVIOUS reference to the all-encompassing void of space known as the ever-expanding universe, where our souls will drift for all eternity after the planet we know as Earth implodes upon itself.
Please, I urge you to come to Pamoja before life as we know it comes to an end. Also, there will be food and drinks.
Bye,
Student Senate
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Looking West
You can climb to the top of the Topeka Capitol on a clear and eyeblue day, but you'll still be in Topeka. You'll take some pictures out of obligation, and mill about to acknowledge the effort it took to get there, and wonder exactly how long a good acknowledgement should last. Then you'll leave, back down 296 stairsteps.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Son of Christ's Coming Up, Got Cakes On The Griddle
[As you will recall, National Pancake Day was back before Lent began. Now, we're at Easter, and I'm purging the interview with Corinne, lover of pancakes. I originally pictured this to be a longer Q&A, but I ran out of pancake-related questions. Feel free to add your own in the comments.]
1. Why do you love pancakes so much? Can you pinpoint a psychological reason for your love of pancakes? I mean, did you have pancakes on special occasions when you were growing up, or did a pancake salesman save your father's life, or something like that?
2. Dad would stack said pancakes lumberjack-style, 7 or 8 high, pouring syrup over each as he built his column. In your expert opinion, was this method an absurd way to eat pancakes? How many pancakes do you use to make each stack?
3. Tell me about your Pancake Day breakfast. How many pancakes did you eat? What kinds of pancakes? Which tasted the best? The worst?
4. How do the pancakes at Perkins, IHOP, Denny's, Waffle House, etc. stack up (get it)? What restaurant has the best pancakes? The worst?
1. Why do you love pancakes so much? Can you pinpoint a psychological reason for your love of pancakes? I mean, did you have pancakes on special occasions when you were growing up, or did a pancake salesman save your father's life, or something like that?
I have always been a sucker for breakfast food in general, however, my mom would sometimes make breakfast for dinner growing up and I always loved that. However, she would always make oatmeal pancakes and would only make "all-purpose flour" pancakes when us kids had done something incredibly worthy of her praise. So she would slip in a couple "bad" pancakes with the super-healthy oatmeal ones. At one such dinner, I ate a total of 16 pancakes; a record I still have not broken. So there is a family attachment to the pancake. I also think pancakes are amazingly comforting. Wake up late on a Saturday, take your time getting out of bed, head downstairs, and cook up some pancakes....saving a special chocolate chip one as a dessert. Lovely. Pancakes encourage you to slow down, and savor something magnificient... be it the company of loved ones, or the fluffy (sometimes gooey) joy of the round little cakes.
2. Dad would stack said pancakes lumberjack-style, 7 or 8 high, pouring syrup over each as he built his column. In your expert opinion, was this method an absurd way to eat pancakes? How many pancakes do you use to make each stack?
First of all, 7 or 8 pancakes is too many for me...I'm not sure of the physical stature of your father...but damn! He was smart to individually coat each pancake.
My method is as follows: I usually make a stack of 3 pancakes (sometimes 4 if I'm feeling crazy) pour syrup --mapel syrup from Canada, not the imitation 'corn syrup' of Aunt Jemima...although that shit's pretty good--over the top pancake letting it drip down the sides of the other pancakes, and then I make a small pool of syrup away from the stack to dip each individual bite. I find this is the best way, as you still get some of the sogginess of the top pancake in addition to getting each piece freshly coated in syrup. Delicious!
3. Tell me about your Pancake Day breakfast. How many pancakes did you eat? What kinds of pancakes? Which tasted the best? The worst?
I actually had my pancake day celebration midday on Tuesday. We had oatmeal pancakes with chopped pecans, fresh strawberries and bananas and maple syrup. They were amazing... the pecans were a nice touch. We also had beet pancakes. A little non traditional, and I was a little skeptical... but they were really sweet and delicious. They were a beautiful, vibrant fuscia. I ate mine sans syrup, but Corey ate his with. Then we used the remaining oatmeal batter and made chocolate and peanut butter chip pancakes which were also a new creation, but very good. So all the pancakes turned out to be delicious, and none dissapointed.
4. How do the pancakes at Perkins, IHOP, Denny's, Waffle House, etc. stack up (get it)? What restaurant has the best pancakes? The worst?
Let's just go ahead and rule out Denny's first. For a long time, I went to Denny's because it always sounded like a good idea, but my stomach always disagreed. So I don't even bother anymore...it's cheap, but probably because it's shitty. I'm a fan of IHOP, but I haven't been in a while. Their pancakes are what you would expect from a pancake, without much pizazz (sp?). Ummm...I don't go to Perkins. And waffle house...I've only had the waffles. Milton's pancakes are pretty good, but their french toast is the better menu option. The best pancakes I've ever had at a restaurant was in Colorado Springs on a family vacation at a little breakfast nook type place in uptown. That was, um, four years ago...but the taste still lingers.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Hoppy Easter!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Road Game
I'm at Circle V today, expanding on her post about girls and baseball.
It's probably best to read her post before mine, much like you shouldn't watch Major League II before you see the original.
It's probably best to read her post before mine, much like you shouldn't watch Major League II before you see the original.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Always Thinking About Tang
Yesterday, speaking to a group of about 100, I came to the slide discussing certain medications, and a bullet point that read "side effects".
"You can use one of these prophylactically, for prolonged periods within defined populations, to prevent illness. But it's impractical to use for weeks and months. And there can be side effects to these medications; I mean, keep in mind it's not like you're drinking Tang every day."
"Wait. Tang? Why did I say 'Tang'?"
"I guess since one of the drugs is a powder, I was thinking about powdered things, and Tang is a powder."
"Huh."
"..."
[I intentionally tried to stay silent for as long as I could, to make things as awkward as possible, and to see if anyone would laugh at the awkward silence. They declined.]
"..."
"Okay, so, there is also a limited supply of these medications..."
"You can use one of these prophylactically, for prolonged periods within defined populations, to prevent illness. But it's impractical to use for weeks and months. And there can be side effects to these medications; I mean, keep in mind it's not like you're drinking Tang every day."
"Wait. Tang? Why did I say 'Tang'?"
"I guess since one of the drugs is a powder, I was thinking about powdered things, and Tang is a powder."
"Huh."
"..."
[I intentionally tried to stay silent for as long as I could, to make things as awkward as possible, and to see if anyone would laugh at the awkward silence. They declined.]
"..."
"Okay, so, there is also a limited supply of these medications..."
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Spoon Fed Rock
There are still some good things about being alive.
There's the 7 p.m. set that Spoon played yesterday at KU's Day on the Hill, which rocked me convincingly. There's the fact that I didn't bring a camera to the show, but I can still get good, quality photos, free, conveniently, the next day, courtesy of a fellow Flickr user.
And, thanks to the early show, there's a chance to unwind with Rampart before heading to karaoke night. While I was displeased with my attempt at "Cracklin' Rosie" - the DJ used some strange, elevator muzak-style accompaniment instead of the real deal - "Go Your Own Way" turned out pretty well.
There's the 7 p.m. set that Spoon played yesterday at KU's Day on the Hill, which rocked me convincingly. There's the fact that I didn't bring a camera to the show, but I can still get good, quality photos, free, conveniently, the next day, courtesy of a fellow Flickr user.
And, thanks to the early show, there's a chance to unwind with Rampart before heading to karaoke night. While I was displeased with my attempt at "Cracklin' Rosie" - the DJ used some strange, elevator muzak-style accompaniment instead of the real deal - "Go Your Own Way" turned out pretty well.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Give Up
I assume that our biology would encourage us to accomplish things, as it is in humankind's best interest to get stuff done.
And it does feel good to see something through to completion - it feels good to finish writing a paper, it feels good to finish cleaning the house.
But why does it feel equally good to quit?
And it does feel good to see something through to completion - it feels good to finish writing a paper, it feels good to finish cleaning the house.
But why does it feel equally good to quit?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Living On The Edge
Being flown across the state in a jet to give a powerpoint presentation makes you feel like the world's lamest rock star; and, like that dude from Nickelback, my extravagant treatment is undeserved and fleeting.
We walk from the tarmac to the waiting van and are driven to the hotel. Even with the windows up, it smells like Garden City. We check in and proceed to Las Margaritias, the highly recommended Mexican restaurant downtown.
Downtown GC is like most every downtown in Kansas, and feels like a bricked-up window. There's something else here, different than the surrounding city, which is low, flat, and humbling. There's something in the air here. It's Aerosmith.
Yes sir, no sir
Don't come close to my
Home sweet home
Can't catch no dose
Of my hot tail poon tang sweetheart
Sweathog ready to make a silk purse
From a J Paul Getty and his ear
With her face in her beer
"Home Sweet Home" is playing over every loudspeaker in downtown Garden City. It follows us as we cross the street, and fades as we walk down the steps into the restaurant. I stand on the third step from the bottom, the exact point where the scent of refried beans halves the smell of manure wafting through the entrance.
It's then when I discover that Las Margaritas does not have a liquor license.
(No joke is needed here, but just in case: I haven't been that disappointed since I stepped inside Cheeseburger in Paradise! *rimshot*)
[photo via artistwd.com]
We walk from the tarmac to the waiting van and are driven to the hotel. Even with the windows up, it smells like Garden City. We check in and proceed to Las Margaritias, the highly recommended Mexican restaurant downtown.
Downtown GC is like most every downtown in Kansas, and feels like a bricked-up window. There's something else here, different than the surrounding city, which is low, flat, and humbling. There's something in the air here. It's Aerosmith.
Yes sir, no sir
Don't come close to my
Home sweet home
Can't catch no dose
Of my hot tail poon tang sweetheart
Sweathog ready to make a silk purse
From a J Paul Getty and his ear
With her face in her beer
"Home Sweet Home" is playing over every loudspeaker in downtown Garden City. It follows us as we cross the street, and fades as we walk down the steps into the restaurant. I stand on the third step from the bottom, the exact point where the scent of refried beans halves the smell of manure wafting through the entrance.
It's then when I discover that Las Margaritas does not have a liquor license.
(No joke is needed here, but just in case: I haven't been that disappointed since I stepped inside Cheeseburger in Paradise! *rimshot*)
[photo via artistwd.com]
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Executive's Guide to Personal Security
Sentences taken from a book I found at work, Executive's Guide to Personal Security, by David S Katz and Ilan Caspi:
Chapter 3: General Recommendations
*One veteran agent used to say, "Make the bad guy kill you in public."
*The Bill of Rights is not transferable to other countries.
Chapter 7: Vehicle Safety Measures
*The purpose of terror is to terrorize.
*The bomb could easily be mistaken for a pizza box that had fallen to the ground. If you were parked near a pizza shop, you might ignore it.
Chapter 9: Protective Equipment
*Early man used animal skins.
*One item of extreme importance that must be considered when providing protection for an entire family is how to provide respiratory protection for infants and small children.
Chapter 16: Hotel Safety and Security
*Let the bellman open the door to your room, and have him turn on the lights for you as well.
*The reason to avoid the first floor should be obvious to everyone by now.
Chapter 18: Hostage Survival
*If you are being kidnapped, will the situation get better or worse?
*Expect to be blindfolded.
*If it is three o'clock in the morning, it is very likely that the guards will look lethargic and sleepy.
*Exercise is also one of the best ways to relieve stress, which will be one of your most difficult challenges during captivity.
*Try to recall the names of your classmates from the first grade. Mentally relive your favorite vacation. You can see the point here.
*Pray often and earnestly and rely on the Creator of the Universe to sustain you.
Chapter 22: Studying Abroad
*The German police do not want to hear "But it is legal in Amsterdam."
*Think from your own personal experience about friends or others you may know who have gotten into trouble while drunk or stoned.
Chapter 3: General Recommendations
*One veteran agent used to say, "Make the bad guy kill you in public."
*The Bill of Rights is not transferable to other countries.
Chapter 7: Vehicle Safety Measures
*The purpose of terror is to terrorize.
*The bomb could easily be mistaken for a pizza box that had fallen to the ground. If you were parked near a pizza shop, you might ignore it.
Chapter 9: Protective Equipment
*Early man used animal skins.
*One item of extreme importance that must be considered when providing protection for an entire family is how to provide respiratory protection for infants and small children.
Chapter 16: Hotel Safety and Security
*Let the bellman open the door to your room, and have him turn on the lights for you as well.
*The reason to avoid the first floor should be obvious to everyone by now.
Chapter 18: Hostage Survival
*If you are being kidnapped, will the situation get better or worse?
*Expect to be blindfolded.
*If it is three o'clock in the morning, it is very likely that the guards will look lethargic and sleepy.
*Exercise is also one of the best ways to relieve stress, which will be one of your most difficult challenges during captivity.
*Try to recall the names of your classmates from the first grade. Mentally relive your favorite vacation. You can see the point here.
*Pray often and earnestly and rely on the Creator of the Universe to sustain you.
Chapter 22: Studying Abroad
*The German police do not want to hear "But it is legal in Amsterdam."
*Think from your own personal experience about friends or others you may know who have gotten into trouble while drunk or stoned.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Brown Bears Run At You
There is a boatload of "The More You Know" skits on The Office website - this is the only one I could find on YouTube:
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