For Those Of Y'all That Wear Aviators

A hard-hitting piece this weekend in my local newspaper:

Throwback aviators also are flying off the shelves this season, says Megan Garren, optical manager at The Spectacle, 935 Iowa — and not just for men. Gals often add a feminine flair by modifying the style with pink lenses or white frames.

I'm hardly surprised. Nearly every male at the Memorial Day campsite chose to sport aviators. (As Nathan put it, "When God created sunglasses, he made aviators first.")

I'm not surprised, but I'm not happy about it, either. You see, I've been wearing aviators for years. In January 2003, at a truck stop an hour north of Oklahoma City, I bought a pair for $5. I took a photo a few days later:


As you can see, I didn't buy my aviators to look cool. I'm not cool -- not when it comes to sunglasses, anyway. I look RIDICULOUS in sunglasses.

Aviators were the only answer. Aviators said, "Hey, I'm not cool. I'm not ironic. I'm just a guy that looks like a fucking retard when I wear sunglasses. And I'm not playing YOUR GAMES anymore, Fashionista -- I'm just going to stick with these cheap sumbitches and hope for the best."

With aviators the new, hip trend, my message becomes muddled. If you know me, you know there's one thing I can't tolerate, and that's muddled messages.

So listen up, you hip assholes. Stop wearing aviators. They look RIDICULOUS.




[sunglasses]