You're The Man Now, Slumdog

Floyd (whose own blog can be accessed through the sidebar at the right) and I spent a good hour chatting on Facebook Sunday night. As you already know, when we get together to instant message, amazing things happen. Our lightly edited chat transcript, which contains MAJOR SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE SPOILERS, is below. If you haven't seen Slumdog, think twice before reading on.

One final point of clarification. There's a running joke among my friends about the titles of our future biographies. It started during a Milwaukee road trip, when Floyd said, "I don't see what the big deal about necrophilia is. It's a victimless crime." Jack Serpentine then suggested that Floyd's biography be titled "Necrophilia: Who's the Victim? The Floyd Masterson Story". From that point forward, we've added "The ___ ___ Story" to friends' hilarious quotes. You'll see a mediocre example below.

Floyd's text is on the left. Mine is on the right.

* * *

Why would anyone want to watch Revolutionary Road? It's like attending somebody else's marriage counseling.

KATE + LEO, TOGETHER AGAIN! duh.

ugh
read the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes
it's exactly what I figured it was
just two hours of arguing and angst
it's like what would have happened to Leo and Kate if Leo had survived the Titanic

I don't know what to believe
have you seen Slumdog?

yes
excellent movie
highly recommended

I saw it too

did you like it?

but don't understand the hubbub
Good, not outstanding

I just think it's one of those rare movies that EVERYBODY should enjoy
and I really like Danny Boyle's directing

well, I bring it up because of the Titanic reference

no, Titanic sucked - it was female fantasy set in man-made disaster

those are both 2 leads that clearly are not in REAL LOVE
and will break up in less than a year

maybe - but that chick is damaged goods by the time the Slumdog gets her

that chick would dump Indian Big Ears after a month

I don't think she has many other options, even though she's really hot
Indian culture values virgins

the Floyd Masterson story

haha
and I liked the setup - a crappy game show sets up flashbacks that tell a socially important story
fairly unique, and I think they pulled it off really well

minor point, but...
how did he get on the show?

you know, I thought they revealed that, but it was when I went to the bathroom

I mean, are we just supposed to believe they accept the first caller?
They showed that he knew how to call in, but don't they require some kind of proving rounds?
and then, once in studio, a play-in challenge?

no idea - India's a strange place
maybe they figured it'd just be fun to show how stupid slumdogs are

I find it hard to believe
that a country with a billion people
lets any jackass with a mobile phone
on WWTBAM

I believe it - I've seen Americans miss the first question, where they literally give you the answer
it's just fate, Dan
that movie is all about fate
that girl was destined to become a child prostitute
despite the slumdog's best efforst
efforts
and his brother was destined to live a terrible, hateful life until he dies in a bathtub full of money

let's talk about the brother
he could have killed that guy pretty easily without his bathtub trick
everybody's watching TV
BECAUSE INDIA LOVES TRIVIA

I think he wanted his death to be symbolic
he had to die, for what he did to his brother and the woman he loved

and he walks up behind him, POP POP POP, he's dead, and the bodyguards are dead

yeah, but he wanted to die

EXTRA POP
murder suicide

and now I can't die in a bathtub full of money, as I had planned, because now I'll be accused of imitating SM

where did all that cash come from?

ATM?

didn't he lock himself in the bathroom right after letting her go?
CHECKMATE, DANNY BOYLE!

he's a drug dealer - they always have lots of cash - I've seen it in person

on your block

yes, outside the Chinese restaurant
there's a bar across the street called 95 South
I'm convinced it's a drug front
and not just because black people go there

because black and chinese people go

actually, very few Chinese in the neighborhood
mostly Caribbean folk
and Hasidic Jews, and hipsters
and a weird amount of dentists
there's a store nearby I found a couple days ago
it's a barber shop that also sells phone cards

phone cards are still huge
strangely

especially in my neighborhood
I'm pretty sure it's the No. 1 scam in Crown Heights
my roommate uses a phone card still
but she's from Toronto

OH

I hung out with Lindsey, Dave and Adrienne last night
Adrienne made us watch Amelie
that movie made me want to hurt something cute and helpless

that movie started OK and dragged
and dragged
until I didn't give a shit if she found love

exactly!

because LOVE IS NOT FOR THE TIMID

ugh - I kind of hated most of it - why were we supposed to cheer for Amelie?
or for annoying cute French girls that leave annoying clues for annoying porn shop workers
the movie was just SO FRENCH
did it really need an accordion soundtrack? Did we not get it was set in Paris already, with the artists and the vivid descriptions of food?

and all the bagettes about?

I'm getting Dr. Strangelove and Forgetting Sarah Marshall next from Netflix
I haven't seen either

Strangelove was much funnier than I anticipated
they both were, really

good
I'm ready for a comedy
man, I miss Rock Band
I'm trying to find people that can go out on a Tuesday night
there's Rock Band karaoke at a bar here, they have a really nice setup

that one lounge that had Rock Band here closed

not surprising

the dream is dead

that place is a black hole

but there are THREE hookah bars here now
fucking Slumdog influence

those things are overrated
as are hookahs
to me it's like the Maxim of smoking
be a man and buy a Playboy/cigarettes

I like how real slumdogs are insulted over the film title

seriously?

oh yeah. there's some protests

that's awesome

portraying India in a bad light
"All you ever talk about is our slums"
that sort of thing
you know, because the slums aren't that big of a deal

which is worse than before, where Americans thought India was all call centers?

we should make a movie about India's pretty colors, and spicy cuisine

right, only about 3/4 of India's population lives in the slums, right?

yeah, only 750 million or so.
(estimate)

well, I can see why they're upset
the question I left Slumdog was: how much would I pay to take shit?
take a shit

both questions are good ones
a park in Chile had pay restrooms
it was only chump change

also, it left me with the option that, if I can't find legit work here in NYC, I can start giving bullshit tours in Midtown to stupid tourists

like what TJ does at the zoo?
"that bird can hold over 10 gallons of water in its beak"

right, a lot like Teej
I'm kind of surprised we don't have pay toilets here
I'm also a bit surprised there aren't more children running around covered in feces

haha
I think the feces kids are just where you aren't
the bronx

probably

or JERSEY
get it?

I get it

I'd fit right in up there

Jersey is like the Mumbai of America
except instead of feces, the youths are slathered in hair gel and aftershave

lol
lolz

so the kid knew about Samuel Colt from his brother...
where did his brother learn about him?

from his gangster friends, I assume
everybody knows the gun is called a Colt
also, colt is a delicacy in India
because they don't eat cows, you know

right. gotcha.

there was a urine-soaked hobo on my train home last night
he was asleep - I was the only person that sat in his half of the train
I switched trains pretty quicky
he smelled really bad

uh huh. cause of the pee pee

I did see a cop in the station look at him, sigh, and just move on
you know, if Guiliani were still mayor, that shit wouldn't fly
that hobo would have gotten dumped in the tracks
fucking slumdogs

on the THIRD RAIL

you know, there's a part of me that wants to see something living touch that thing, just to see what happens
is it instant death?

dunno

I'd just like to see a rat bump against it and explode

seems like there should be lots of dead rats down on the tracks
LOTS

there's not - they get eaten by other rats

and slumdogs
SLUMDOG STEW
also: dogs
in the stew

there is a lot of graffit in the tunnels, which made me wonder how it got there
there's really not much room between the trains and the walls - if a train came while you were spraypainting, you'd be screwed

I think a lot about the tiles in the subway
that's a lot of tiles

was there a subway in Slumdog?

no way, dude
they don't believe in burying their trains
it's a Hindu thing

god, a subway would kill thousands of Indians a day if it existed

i guess the blind singer boy is in a subway station
or maybe just a train station that had downstairs

I think that was just a random tunnel
you know, that movie has made me look at beggars more skeptically

is it possible to be MORE skeptical?

now when I hear a beggar's story, I always ask if they're part of some hobo syndicate
then I ask to see their manager/owner

is Slumdog going to increase Indian tourism?

crap, probably

WHY GOD WHY???

"honey, those slums look so adorable!"

"It's so colorful!"

"let's go adopt some huge-eyed Indian orphan"

"They love to dance!"

"so she doesn't get sold into prostitution and become a gangsters girlfriend"

I'm out of here. This city DOES sleep.

ok