Oh, Atlanta

SUNDAY

After checking into the hotel, my fellow coworkers and I headed into downtown Atlanta to find a restaurant. Hooters, McDonalds, and Hard Rock Cafe were open. We chose the one where I could eat a cajun chicken sandwich while watching the video to The Cult's "Fire Woman". This marked the second time in less than a fortnight where I saw The Cult on a television, and I was concerned - was God trying to tell me something? ("Dan, The Cult...you overlooked them. This is a sign from Me. Also, honor your father and mother.")

I avoided drinks in the hotel lobby, choosing a long, long shower and the Oscars instead.

MONDAY

I tried the lukewarm cheese grits available at the hotel's breakfast buffet. Guh.

The conference agenda that afternoon was unimpressive, so I chose to use that time to explore the city. On the advice of others and after my own careful deliberation, I ruled against visiting the World of Coke, Atlanta Underground, and anything that required a train ride. I chose to visit the Georgia capitol.

The fifteen-minute walk south was the whitest stroll I have ever taken. (Remember, this is coming from the farm-raised Kansan that walked to the Hard Rock Cafe just 24 hours earlier. In comparison, the previous day's journey was downright street.) On the way to explore the history of the great state of Georgia, walking through downtown Atlanta, despite the sunny day, my skin actually lost pigment.

The capitol's website touted, "Guided tours are available Monday through Friday at 10:00 a.m., 11:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m., and 2:00 p.m." I arrived before 2:00 and used the extra time to explore the capitol grounds, upon which were many statues. I didn't recognize many of the historical figures - the one I did know, Jimmy Carter, was represented by the most pitiful memorial in the area. Do you remember the Simpsons episode where Marge is convicted of shoplifting, can't make treats for the city bake sale, and Springfield is forced to buy a crappy statue of Jimmy Carter because they can't afford one of Abe Lincoln? (And a Springfield resident shouts, "Jimmy Carter?! He's history's greatest monster!") Well, the actual statue of Carter at the Georgia capitol is a lot like the Simpsons statue. But smaller.


I went through building security and was given a pamphlet and an official state capitol postcard. Two o'clock came and went without the appearance of a tour guide. "That's okay," I thought, "this pamphlet will teach me all I need to know." I unfolded the pamplet. It was in Spanish.

The capitol was crowded with suited men and attractive women; I gradually deducted that they were lobbyists. White lobbyists. The capitol felt very open, uncluttered (I'm guessing a lot of the clutter was thinned by General Sherman), portraits of past governors dotting the first floor walls. A portrait of Martin Luther King Jr. was also on display. It is a great painting - it has the benefit of some background imagery that gives it an unfair advantage to, say, the huge Zell Miller portrait to its left - but it is most striking because it feels forced, "token", to a rapidly bleaching man like myself.


The only photo I took was at the capitol's 4th floor museum. It's a diorama that was commissioned by the Georgia legislature for a World's Fair. You know, to teach the world about peaches and shit.


I walked back toward my hotel, through Centennial Olympic Park, where people like to watch kids watch the fountain.


I wasn't planning on visiting the new Georgia Aquarium, but three factors changed my mind:

1. It was 3:30 and I needed something to do.
2. It was about a block from my hotel.
3. "World's largest"

Granted, I had seen the Monterey Aquarium a few weeks prior, but this one was the world's largest! The largest in the world! There's not a single aquarium bigger than this motherfucker! For the low price of $21? Sold!

I pushed through all five exhibits quickly, then revisited my favorite fish a second time.

Overall, the Georgia Aquarium was less impressive than its Monterey counterpart. (For one thing, it's just too fucking bright - some tanks were difficult to see into due to the glare.) Still, it's not without its perks. For example, slim individuals can climb into a cylinder to examine the penguins more closely.

(my photo)

Plus, this aquarium has beluga whales, which many visitors enjoy photographing with their pitiful, shitty-ass, low-resolution cameraphones.

(my photo)

I ate an orange for dinner.

TUESDAY

The CNN Studio Tour manages to guide you through seven floors of the cable giant's headquarters without actually showing you anything impressive. If you've seen a greenscreen or a teleprompter before, you'll leave disappointed. I did learn that the CNN Center's escalator is the largest free-standing escalator in the world (!), and the CNN Center was originally a H.R. Pufnstuf theme park.


I enjoyed the best meal of the trip at the South City Kitchen that night, sampling authentic southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, collard greens, grits, and fried green tomatoes. Thanks to EST, I was back at the hotel in time for Scrubs.

WEDNESDAY

I spent all day Wednesday at the conference!

(Not even an exclamation point can make that sound interesting.)

One point of note - I tried to decipher The Children's Hospital icon, which was featured in a Wednesday Powerpoint.


What's going on with that logo? Is that supposed to be a man juggling? A man juggling human heads? Doctor heads looking at a child with a broken leg? Shit's fucked up.

THURSDAY

The Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta airport has a tram that moves passengers to their destination concourse. A computerized tram voice uses the NATO phonetic alphabet to inform passengers that they have reached concourse "A, as in alpha", and so on.

(I am familiar with the NATO alphabet. I posted it in my cubicle, next to my phone, after several embarrassing moments where I couldn't think of a word that began with its corresponding letter. "N as in...uh...uh...uh...um...uh... Noodle?" Now, N is November. Every time.)

On my tram, the computerized voice's recitation of the NATO phonetic alphabet was much ado. Two teenagers thought it was hilarious. One young man thought it necessary to explain to his mother, in great detail, why the NATO alphabet is used. "Some letters sound like other letters..."

But when we arrived at the D concourse, the female robot substituted "David" for "Delta", assumedly to prevent confusion between the Delta concourse and Delta Airlines.