Magnified Life

In the 8th grade, I tried on a classmate's glasses. Stacey, widely considered the second-most attractive of the class' six females, said they looked good on me, and that I should get a pair for myself.

Stacey went on to marry a cousin of mine and have his babies. And, as we all now know, I went on to develop hyperopia.

MONDAY: I pick up my Columbia-framed lenses.

TUESDAY: My boss describes my new look as "distinguished".

WEDNESDAY: A co-worker compares me to Clark Kent, a pathetic nerd whose life is worthwhile only when he removes his glasses.

The dream is dead.


* * *

Good reading on the internet today.

Dan Kennedy is my favorite regular contributor to the McSweeney's website. His latest effort is typically fantastic:

As we discussed last year at the beginning of our business relationship, investment is risk. That is to say, markets are constantly fluctuating; the economy is often volatile in times of war; I tend to drink; stocks and commodities are not fixed-value assets; larger firms are constantly affecting the market share and value of an independent fund like ours; a sex worker is involved in my benders; because of an understood inherent risk, investments are not underwritten or insured by the FDIC; a recessive economy has affected certain markets that we both agreed to invest aggressively in; I have a cocaine habit; and, overall, now more than ever, there are no "secrets" to generating wealth, just cold, hard truths.

Pop Candy has an excerpt from a new book that was nice:

At midnight, I gave her the poems.

"What’s going on?" she asked.

"Well, the last word in the first line is a trochee, and it rhymes with the end of the next line. So 'catachresis' rhymes with 'fleece.'"

"No, what’s going on?'"

"In a catachresis?"

Finally, lawrence.com has an article that is all about Spangles advertising, which is hilarious only because of its depth, and of absolutely no interest to anyone outside of the eastern half of Kansas.