Unbarleyvable

If you ever think to yourself, "The weather is terrible, so I'll just stay inside and cook some lamb and barley stew," don't double the receipe. Lamb and barley stew is a very hearty meal; a high volume of lamb and barley stew is not consumed as easily as, say, an equal volume of vegetable beef stew. You will have a ton of lamb and barley stew left over, and you will think to yourself, "I am already tired of eating this lamb and barley stew." And you will pray tomorrow will be different.

But it won't. The weatherman is relentless with his forecast, and the refrigerator didn't get this far by losing precious cargo. You're on the line for a doubled stew receipe. This is your Vietnam.

You think about mistakes you've made in the past, culinary and otherwise. The speeding ticket in Osage County. This is worse. The beef brisket that was 10 minutes overdone. This is worse. The oatmeal that spilled over while being microwaved. This is worse. Ordering the twice-cooked pork instead of the seasame chicken. This is worse. The double-dribble penalty against Andale's 8th grade team. This is worse.

This is the worst mistake you've ever made. You think about mistakes others have made, culinary and otherwise. The bacon Floyd burned. This is not as bad. Earnest Byner's fumble. This is not as bad. Your father's failed brownies. This is not as bad. Vietnam. This is not as bad.

You get to thinking you're pretty hot shit, and you've got solid data to back it up. You're invincible. You've got to spread the news. You're going to look up your old girlfriends, and let them know what they're missing -- the most brilliant mind since Lex Luthor. You'll have to explain who that is, and how his plans were always foiled by The Man of Steel, and how you're actually better than the fictional villan. Your plans are executed without fail (sans the lamb and barley stew). You have a complete head of hair. You are not a character in a comic book. You are real.

She'll try to call bullshit -- some existential tangent, "Is it really better to be real? What is real? What is reality? What is is?" You'll be reminded of why you broke up with her in the first place, unless it's your high school girlfriend, who broke up with you. Or your college girlfriend. Or your last girlfriend.

You are perfect but alone, and you are stuck with a lot of lamb and barley stew.