My Stolen Identity, Regained

So someone with little command of the English language tried to type his or her way to a $2500 payday. That makes sense.

Yahoo made things right, giving me control of the account again today. I've looked things over to see how badly Hacker McHacks screwed up my stuff.

MEMBER INFORMATION
Preferred Content: English - United Kingdom
Industry: Automotive
Occupation: Network Administrator
Specialisation: Computer: Database
Home Address: buckinghamshire nw15ee
Alternate Email 2: olawalench@yahoo.com

My archived emails were still there, arranged correctly in their folders. I checked the trash folder, and found several unopened messages had been sent there to die. How dare you, you Redcoat fuck? How dare you deprive me of "New Choices from Kaplan University"? What if I really needed to know "Coldplay's European/UK tour announced"? And what kind of a person doesn't have the common decency to alert Netflix as to "When did you mail "Upright Citizens Brigade: ASSSSCAT"?"? They're constantly working to improve the Netflix experience for their customers! Your participation in this survey helps them ensure that all Netflix customers receive the very best customer service possible!

I also had the chance to look at what some of my friends wrote in response to the hoax. Some assumed I sent it as a joke -- I'm not sure how to feel about my perceived sense of humor -- and some even fought back. I'd like to highlight the efforts of my friend cjv:

Thank you for your inquiry into the well being of my family. We are fine and have been fortunate to have avoided daredevil robbers. I am sorry for your thorough beating. Of course I will help you. Like all Americans I keep stacks of cash next to my computer for just this type of situation.

Sincerely,
cjv

hello
thanks for your reply and am so glad you care about my well being,i cant collect money with my name cos my passport is in the embassy for renewal, not to worry have spoken with the hotel manager and he has promised to help me here are his details below

JAMES AMOS
7 Ravens Way
London
SE12 8EY
question.....favourite colour
answer......white
i will be waiting to hear from you
Dn

Sorry, the daredevil robbers have broken in at my house and stolen my stacks of cash. They also beat me and shoved a corncob up my dog's ass, which at first seemed downright mean but later kind of excited me. My dog still cries when she takes a shit. Damn. Anyway, I am no longer able to help you, however I would gladly pay you for any erotic photos you could provide involving corncobs in asses, as this has become a new thing of mine. Unfortunately my wife took the cob out of my dog's ass before I could get a picture, otherwise I would not even have to trouble you like this. If you could please help by sending these photos I could ease the pain of having this massive hardon for corncobs in asses.

Sincerely,
cjv

Good stuff from cjv. Thanks, friend.

And if my British fans could look into that London address, I would be happy to finance a flaming-bag-of-poop-campaign against Mr. James Amos.

My Stolen Identity

If you were unfortunate enough to be listed in my Yahoo address book, you received a message from someone claiming to be me. I didn't send the message. Someone hacked my account, and this cyberdoppelganger sent the message. I've contacted Yahoo, and am working feverishly to correct the problem.

I will now use the asshole's message as a tool to help you decide the authenticity of future communications.

Hello

I never greet people this way, in text or otherwise. You know how I am -- I cut out the bullshit. I shoot from the hip. All of my correspondence begins, "Yo peeps!".

how are you today and your family, hope all is well,am sorry to disturb you at these point in time but my situation really warrants it.

You guys know me. I don't give a shit about your families. Why would I ask how they are?

actually i went to pursue a long time contract which have been aiming for in the uk, on getting to the uk the hotel i lodged was attacked by dare devil robbers killing two people in the process, i myself was not spared i was thoroughly beaten, all the money i have on me was stolen, as if that was not enough my passport and other document were stolen, i have no means of contacting my families and friend cos the hotel lines were disconnected by the robbers and they are trying to get it fixed up.

Geez, where to begin?? First, I'm not Ernest Fucking Hemingway: one or two commas and I'm slapping a period down lickety-split. If I do run on, you're bound to see a semicolon or an em-dash somewhere. Second, while I DO commonly use the phrase "on getting to", I DO NOT call thugs "dare devil robbers". I prefer the dissimilar term "street toughs". Third, I would gladly die before I let some ruffian steal my Other Document. Whatever it is, I guard that thing with my life. Finally, I do know that there is more than one phone line in the UK. I've pursued enough contracts throughout Britain to know the hotel phone isn't my only option.

all i need from you is to please lend me the sum of $2,500 pay the hotel bills am oweing and used the remaining to come home,i only have access to my Email as i did not have a phone with me here, the hotel management are now threathening me to pay my bills or vacate the hotel, i have no money on me please come to my rescue by helping me send money through any western union point closer to you,am not sure if i can use my name to collect the money cos my passport is with the embassy for renewal so tell me if you will help me out so i can discuss with the manager here to help me out.

Seriously with the run-on sentences. Anyway, you guys should know me well enough to realize that, no matter how much I am oweing, I do not respond to threaths. I don't take kindly to threaths, especially from some Limeys that can't even protect their hotel phone line from dare devils.

Sincerely
Dn

I always sign with lowercase initials.

Savage Love

[NOTE: I got bored in a meeting today and wrote most of this post to occupy myself. That's not all that cool, but you know what is? I wrote in CURSIVE! Remember cursive? It turns out it's pretty easy to slip back into the habit after years of neglect. Sure, no one else can read my cursive, but I can. Cursive!]

Not to barge into Linds' territory here, but here's a note about film.

I watched "The Savages" Sunday night. I recommended the DVD to anyone, most especially those who have had experience with nursing homes, senile family members, or both. Philip Seymour Hoffman is good, as usual, and Laura Linney is great, as usual, in her Oscar-nominated role. Her scenes are hysterically, darkly funny, extremely emotive, and occasionally half-naked. Can we give it up for Ms. Linney? She always brings the goods.


TORNADOSLIDE'S TOP LAURA LINNEY SCENES

6. You Can Count on Me

I never saw this one, but she was nominated for an Oscar, so let's assume there was a great moment in there somewhere.

5. John Adams

Did you see that scene where Abigail Adams poisoned two dozen redcoats with tainted licorice? Me neither. Let's get to the films I actually did watch.

4. The Squid and the Whale

OK, I did watch this, but it was a long time ago, so I can't single out a moment. Well-acted all the way around, though.

3. The Savages

There are two scenes where we see Linney's character exercises to an aerobics video. They're pretty funny, but it might not have anything to do with her acting. Maybe that's how everyone looks when they exercise in front of the TV.

2. Love Actually

She got naked in "Love Actually", remember? Yeah, I knew it! Apparently she's also naked in something called "Maze". Full frontal, according to Mr. Skin.

1. The Truman Show

TRUMAN: "Why do you want to have a baby with me? You can't stand me!"

MERYL: "That's not true! ... Why don't you let me fix you some of this Mococoa drink, all natural cocoa beans from the upper slopes of Mount Nicaragua, no artificial sweeteners!"

TRUMAN: "What the hell are you talking about?!? Who are you talking to?!?"

MERYL:"I've tasted other cocoas, this is the best!"

Bad Wrap

Wendy's, responding to the McDonald's Ranch Snack Wrap (which was probably a response to KFC's Crispy Twister... I must confess I don't keep track of fast food chronology as much as I should), has been heavily advertising their new Homestyle Chicken Go Wrap. All three items contain essentially the same ingredients. Wendy's product has:

"Our signature chicken breast fillet specially seasoned and lightly breaded. Plus crisp lettuce, cheddar cheese and a zesty ranch sauce all wrapped in a flour tortilla. Think of it as a wrappetizer."

Oh, okay. I'll think of it as a wrappetizer. Because you know what I don't think of it as? REAL FUCKING FOOD!!!

Where did this piece of shit come from, and why is it taking over our fast food eateries? NOBODY has EVER walked to the kitchen and thought, "Hey, I've got some chicken tenders in the frig. Why don't I fry those, then put 'em in a tortilla with, uh... some lettuce? And I'll throw some cheese and ranch dressing in there for good measure. That'll be some good eatin'! And I won't have to use any of this silverware I own!"

I am saddened. I am saddened that this food was created, and I am saddened that it apparently sells well enough to spread to three chains.

Listen up, America: you've got to stop combining random ingredients and calling it food. Moreover, you've got to stop pouring ranch dressing on your ghastly concoctions. And, if I could go so far as to issue a third piece of advice: just because it's called a "snack wrap" or a "wrappetizer" doesn't mean you can eat two. These things are about 350 calories each. I know, I know. I know it's weird, but just because you stuff your junk into a tortilla doesn't mean it's healthy. All it means is you could have eaten something between two pieces of delicious bread, and you blew it.

I Know I Know I Know

It's been a while. I'm writing South America stuff. It will be posted as soon as I (and possibly Matt) can manage.

You should keep an eye on my Google Shared Items site. I've been putting a few things on there a day. Nick has one, too. But mine is better. I type more.

Gourmet Supreme Love

I've already sent this article to half my readership, but in honor of tonight's trip to Wichita, here is a Wichita Eagle piece about a local fast food chain:

Time to cut the burger

For at least the third time in Spangles history, a couple wed there last week.

Christy Storm, general manager of the Spangles near 21st and Maize Road, spotted customer Daryl Layton across the restaurant. She was on her way to the bank with her son and asked him to approach Layton to find out whether he was single.

"You're a big girl, mom," her son answered. "You can do it."

But she couldn't. So she persuaded another manager to approach him.

"Hey, there's some girl behind the counter who wants to know if you're married or single," he said.

Layton's son and his buddy teased him all the way home, but he returned the next day for breakfast. And he kept returning, especially for the car shows in the parking lot on Friday nights.

After a couple years of dating, the two decided to wed. Layton wanted to give his bride a church wedding.


But she chose Spangles (or, more accurately, the parking lot of the car show) instead.

"It would mean more for me to do it there because that's where it all started," she said.

As Rene Steven puts it, "It was love at first bite.

What I love about this story is the first line, especially the words "at least". As if they really couldn't remember if it has occured more than 3 times. "Uh, I don't know. I think it's 3, but there might have been an extra wedding or two when the manager was outside on his smoke break."

Kooky Keypads

I don't know if the numeric keypad or the touch-tone phone keypad came first.

But it's pretty inexcusable that they aren't arranged in the same pattern.

Way to go, jerks.

Tune That Name

(UPDATE: Artist names have been added to aid your guessing.)

I used to post these things on Facebook, but Facebook notes are awkward. So here we are.

This is a list of proper names taken from the lyrics of my music library. If you can identify the which song the name(s) belong to, leave a note in the comments.

HISTORICAL FIGURES
1. Anastasia screamed in vain
2. Martin Van Buren, a former president and an abolitionist; James Buchanan, a moderate; Lewis Cass, a general and expansionist. (They Might Be Giants)
3. Chairman Mao
4. son of Tricky Dicky (John Lennon)

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
5. we can live like Jack and Sally if we want (Blink 182)
6. Billy Shears
7. Kitty Pryde
8. Superman or Green Lantern ain't got nothing on me

POP CULTURE ICONS
9. Yo, plug me in just like I was Eddie Harris
10. the night Sinatra died and the night Jeff Buckley died and the night Kurt Kobain died and the night John Lennon died
11. John Coltrane and the Love Supreme (U2)
12. march down the street like the Duracell Bunny
13. Yoko brought her walrus (Ricky Nelson)
14. I'm Steve McQueen, I'm Jimmy Dean (REM)

GODS
15. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama

WOMEN
16. me and Suzie had so much fun
17. Suzanne, the plans they made put and end to you
18. a bitch named Mandy May (Dr. Dre)

MEN
19. a roadie named Bart
20. I don't know you from Adam
21. I'm done with Sergio
22. Little Joe was blowing on the slide trombone (Elvis Presley)
23. sarcastic Mister Know-It-All (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
24. Mister Beer Belly (Paul Simon)
25. Sir Hand, or was it ma'am? (They Might Be Giants)