Tuesday, May 27, 2008

My Stolen Identity

If you were unfortunate enough to be listed in my Yahoo address book, you received a message from someone claiming to be me. I didn't send the message. Someone hacked my account, and this cyberdoppelganger sent the message. I've contacted Yahoo, and am working feverishly to correct the problem.

I will now use the asshole's message as a tool to help you decide the authenticity of future communications.

Hello

I never greet people this way, in text or otherwise. You know how I am -- I cut out the bullshit. I shoot from the hip. All of my correspondence begins, "Yo peeps!".

how are you today and your family, hope all is well,am sorry to disturb you at these point in time but my situation really warrants it.

You guys know me. I don't give a shit about your families. Why would I ask how they are?

actually i went to pursue a long time contract which have been aiming for in the uk, on getting to the uk the hotel i lodged was attacked by dare devil robbers killing two people in the process, i myself was not spared i was thoroughly beaten, all the money i have on me was stolen, as if that was not enough my passport and other document were stolen, i have no means of contacting my families and friend cos the hotel lines were disconnected by the robbers and they are trying to get it fixed up.

Geez, where to begin?? First, I'm not Ernest Fucking Hemingway: one or two commas and I'm slapping a period down lickety-split. If I do run on, you're bound to see a semicolon or an em-dash somewhere. Second, while I DO commonly use the phrase "on getting to", I DO NOT call thugs "dare devil robbers". I prefer the dissimilar term "street toughs". Third, I would gladly die before I let some ruffian steal my Other Document. Whatever it is, I guard that thing with my life. Finally, I do know that there is more than one phone line in the UK. I've pursued enough contracts throughout Britain to know the hotel phone isn't my only option.

all i need from you is to please lend me the sum of $2,500 pay the hotel bills am oweing and used the remaining to come home,i only have access to my Email as i did not have a phone with me here, the hotel management are now threathening me to pay my bills or vacate the hotel, i have no money on me please come to my rescue by helping me send money through any western union point closer to you,am not sure if i can use my name to collect the money cos my passport is with the embassy for renewal so tell me if you will help me out so i can discuss with the manager here to help me out.

Seriously with the run-on sentences. Anyway, you guys should know me well enough to realize that, no matter how much I am oweing, I do not respond to threaths. I don't take kindly to threaths, especially from some Limeys that can't even protect their hotel phone line from dare devils.

Sincerely
Dn


I always sign with lowercase initials.

3 comments:

Floyd said...

My favorite thing about this message (and there's LOTS to like) is that the "dare devil robbers" cut the phone lines (and apparently the cell phone towers as well) but not the internet connection. Seems like a rather large hole in their daring plan.

I'm also trying to picture the person that would fall for this scam. The email, I mean, not the daring robbery/murders.

Jenny said...

I just hope you're okay - after being thoroughly beaten and all.

Gav said...

So how many people were listed in your Yahoo account? I'm assuming people you haven't corresponded with for years got that email.

Will Yahoo tell you where they track it down to? $2500 says it is somewhere in a foreign computer lab. You can email the money to.........