I think we all miss Matt and his hilarious text messages. As a public service, I pass on some of his messages from China. Note that Matt has not given me permission, but he's in China, so what's he gonna do about it?
Saturday, September 3rd
I have been in Shanghai for about two days now. There is a new Australian girl in my room. Not sure about her yet, she was sleeping. An old lady yelled at me when I came into the room at 7:30 PM and turned on the light. I guess I didn't think anyone who would pay a shitload of money to come to China would go to bed at fucking 7:30. But then again, she is old. Met up with a British guy last night and had a couple pints of beer called Suntory. Its good. Not great. Thought you would like to know, for lunch I ate a peach. A peach as big as three of my fists. Remember that time I stuck three of my fists up your ass. Sounds impossible due to the fact that I only have two fists but as I recall you really fucking liked it, you dirty whore. Okay, I will write to you later.
Sunday, September 4th
Forgive poor spelling and grammar. I am at an Internet bar in the Fuxing district of Shanghai. It is just after midnight. I am with Will, a guy from the Netherlands and Alise (sp ?) from Paris. She is hot. I am fairly certain that Will is gay as I am 100% sure that we just left a gay bar that he said is his favorite and he knows everybody there.
Helpful hints:
1: What are listed "amenities" in the description of a hostel in Shanghai are bullshit unless it means: do not put toilet paper in the toilet as it will block it; security lockers means no security lockers, free internet means 2 RMB per 10 minutes; key card access means a chinese woman will let you into your room if and only if you show her a receipt.
2: What the amenities should say: Free lizards in every room; cheap beer; hot international women, shitty toilets.
Explanation about lizards:
Last night I went out with Will. At one point we had to go back to the hostel so he could take a shit. While there we met Alise and sat on the patio and had a few beers. Later we left, Alise stayed. In the morning I was awoken by Alise, who is also in my room, saying its time to go. This is the conversation as I remember it:
Alise: Matt, wake up.
Me: What?
Alise: Time to go to Pudong.
Me: What?
Alise: There is a lizard on your bed.
Me: Motherfucker! Get it off!
Alise: No.
Me: (after flicking lizard off my bed): Sleep.
Alise: You said you would take me to Pudong.
Me: When?
Alise: Now.
Me: No, when did I say this?
Alise: Last night.
Me: Was I serious?
Alise: Yes.
Me: I'll get up.
So we went to Pudong. Quite a ways from the hostel and not yet to Pudong, Alise says "I'm tired, lets take a break".
Me: No.
Alise: Please.
Me: (Didn't say anything, just gave her a look of disgust).
Alise: Oh look, shoes!!!
Me: You've got to be fucking kidding.
After visiting Pudong Alise needed a nap. Which I was all for. So I spoke with Will and we made plans for tonight. The plans included a really seedy bar with beers that cost about 17 cents and then we moved on to the internet/bar/snackbar place. We are leaving now to go to what is certainly a dirty, dirty bar/whorehouse.
Peace out fuckos
Matt
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